The Monkey Scream Post

Please enjoy a selection of drunk animal pictures and a cute bunny. I have tried to be like my hero Cal from the Canadian Cave of Cool (and hotness), and "funny" them up with my commentary,, no animals were "actually" inebriated in this post,, however the cat refused to give me photo rights until he got a Zanex and a stripper.. dang cats!!

I've said it before and I'll say it again:

IT!!

You see, I thought that was funny. I was just layin',, starin' at the ceiling in the middle of the night,, happy that my handy dandy alarm clock actually shoots the time ON the ceiling in bright blue digital neon so that I don't have to crank my neck over to watch the minutes that I am NOT sleeping and should be,, pass me by. (It also has a button for soothing rain forest noises should I ever feel primal and need to re-enact a jungle scene with my manpillow,, not that that would ever happen,, but the mental authorities wouldn't be able to prove it if it did).

But that one stupid line came to me and made me giggle. Please laugh at it and support me in my search for humor and laughter.. Are you laughing? Perhaps I should say it... again,, because,,

I've said it before and I'll say it again: IT!!

(this is the part where you laugh and laugh and slap your knee and do that breath and whooooo sound as the laughter subsides and gets a little awkward...)

Laugh like this:

DONG,,, DONG,,, BING!!!!!

I have stuff happening around me, bad stuff. Monday it elevated with no warning into:

OMGWTFAIGD stuff!!

Which roughly translates as:

OhMyGodWhatTheFudgeAmIDonnaDo stuff!!

I have written out post after post explaining it, but never posted them. It's just that I want you all to think of me differently than I actually FEEL right now. And even though I know you all will say things that will make me feel fuzzy and cry sparklet tears, I'd rather make you laugh and have milk exit your nostrils. It just feels better writing that way.

I just can't be negative right now, I don't have time for that. So I will for now spare you from the details until I figure out WTFIAGD!!

A few nights ago my son was at the sitters and the girls were at their dad's. The sitter thankfully took Traxx so I could deal and just breathe with all that is happening. I did not want him to see me crying in a heap on the floor.

And crying in a heap on the floor is pretty much what I did all day with the exception of getting up at 8Pm and doing something odd for me,, drinking 3 beers. Drinking 3 beers makes me an inebriated girl. An inebriated girl does things like turn her Disturbed CD up entirely too F'n loud and do the "Down with the Sickness" famous "Oooh ah ah ah ah" monkey scream thing over and over... and over.. It also causes the texting of nonsense to people on my mind, random dance moves, crying a little more, texting more nonsense, fixing your self up with sparkles and shine and taking naughty shots of your fixed up with sparkle and shine self to text with even more of the latest nonsense,, deleting the naughty shots and crying in a heap on the floor,, again............

Oh,, and also the eating copious amounts of green olives by throwing them up in the air and catching them,, which {{{{{WARNING}}}}} seems to be a lot harder when you are inebriated,,, and should not be tried at home unless you are a seasoned professional as I am..

I also was a little bit frisky and was wishing a plumber would come over to receive thanks for fixing my toilet or that I could flirt inappropriately with the elderly Walmart greeter man.

Should have a bruised thigh

I even acted out the "Tom Cruise" sliding in socks "Risky Business" famous movie scene,, but it was done completely by accident as I just slipped sideways in the kitchen in an a highly un-choreographed rendition,, my ending also did not turn out as cute as his,, (although a large thigh bruise would have been pretty sexy on him).

Should have Bruised fingers

There was even yet another movie nod,, this time to Julia Roberts in "Pretty Woman". When I went in a drawer to get the jar opener that weak inebriated girls use to open precious new jars of Green Olives, I slammed my fingers in the drawer.. I didn't laugh cutely or make the world fall in love with me and call me their "sweetheart",, but,, the pain scream and sobbing directly after the slamming probably could have been mistaken for laughter because I was a bit too dramatic and slow motiony with it,, even hitting my knees and pleading to the heavens "WHY oh,,,,, WH-Y--Y-Y??" with a dramatic sob stutter. Julia would have also looked cute with bruised fingers had her scene been done a little differently. Richard Gere could have handled that situation a little more violently had he watched a "Saw" marathon and been a psychopath "trick" instead of a rich, deep thinking one. Rich deep thinking "tricks" seem totally boring to me.

Reading my texts the next day WAS fun though.. I was actually pretty impressed. For the most part I was very lucid, using many medium sized words and being pretty aware of my spelling and punctuation,, so even in a 3 beer drunken state I am a word whore.

I kept texting about how furious I was because I only had the 3 Michelob Ultra's and the rest was beer from ages ago when someone brought "Blue Moon" over to a social gathering. "Blue Moon" is NOT the beer to drink in a depressed state. With it's "fruity little under notes" and "wheat based goodness",, it's a "mamby- pamby- manscaping my whole body" beer.

I tried to remember what flake brought it so I could make fun of them again and let them know they were not invited should I ever have another social gathering unless they bring REAL beer and prove to me they are not shaved and entirely hairless like a girl,, ah hem,, then I will consider admitting them to the festivities. Wine coolers will also be accepted and "some" manscaping tolerated as I like Wine coolers and it's MY social gathering dammit.

And then I went to sleep.

The end.

And now for your listening pleasure The Invisible Seductress presents:




Note: Every ones alone drunken experience is a deeply personal matter and may be slightly different and more refined than mine. Please be inebriated responsibly---- without "Blue Moon" beer and Walmart greeter fantasies.

NOW MONKEY SCREAM FOR ME!!!