Friday, July 2, 2010

The Monkey Scream Post

Please enjoy a selection of drunk animal pictures and a cute bunny. I have tried to be like my hero Cal from the Canadian Cave of Cool (and hotness), and "funny" them up with my commentary,, no animals were "actually" inebriated in this post,, however the cat refused to give me photo rights until he got a Zanex and a stripper.. dang cats!!

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I've said it before and I'll say it again:


You see, I thought that was funny. I was just layin',, starin' at the ceiling in the middle of the night,, happy that my handy dandy alarm clock actually shoots the time ON the ceiling in bright blue digital neon so that I don't have to crank my neck over to watch the minutes that I am NOT sleeping and should be,, pass me by. (It also has a button for soothing rain forest noises should I ever feel primal and need to re-enact a jungle scene with my manpillow,, not that that would ever happen,, but the mental authorities wouldn't be able to prove it if it did).

But that one stupid line came to me and made me giggle. Please laugh at it and support me in my search for humor and laughter.. Are you laughing? Perhaps I should say it... again,, because,,

I've said it before and I'll say it again: IT!!

(this is the part where you laugh and laugh and slap your knee and do that breath and whooooo sound as the laughter subsides and gets a little awkward...)

Laugh like this:

DONG,,, DONG,,, BING!!!!!

I have stuff happening around me, bad stuff. Monday it elevated with no warning into:


Which roughly translates as:

OhMyGodWhatTheFudgeAmIDonnaDo stuff!!

I have written out post after post explaining it, but never posted them. It's just that I want you all to think of me differently than I actually FEEL right now. And even though I know you all will say things that will make me feel fuzzy and cry sparklet tears, I'd rather make you laugh and have milk exit your nostrils. It just feels better writing that way.

I just can't be negative right now, I don't have time for that. So I will for now spare you from the details until I figure out WTFIAGD!!

A few nights ago my son was at the sitters and the girls were at their dad's. The sitter thankfully took Traxx so I could deal and just breathe with all that is happening. I did not want him to see me crying in a heap on the floor.

And crying in a heap on the floor is pretty much what I did all day with the exception of getting up at 8Pm and doing something odd for me,, drinking 3 beers. Drinking 3 beers makes me an inebriated girl. An inebriated girl does things like turn her Disturbed CD up entirely too F'n loud and do the "Down with the Sickness" famous "Oooh ah ah ah ah" monkey scream thing over and over... and over.. It also causes the texting of nonsense to people on my mind, random dance moves, crying a little more, texting more nonsense, fixing your self up with sparkles and shine and taking naughty shots of your fixed up with sparkle and shine self to text with even more of the latest nonsense,, deleting the naughty shots and crying in a heap on the floor,, again............

Oh,, and also the eating copious amounts of green olives by throwing them up in the air and catching them,, which {{{{{WARNING}}}}} seems to be a lot harder when you are inebriated,,, and should not be tried at home unless you are a seasoned professional as I am..

I also was a little bit frisky and was wishing a plumber would come over to receive thanks for fixing my toilet or that I could flirt inappropriately with the elderly Walmart greeter man.

Risky Business Pictures, Images and Photos
Should have a bruised thigh

I even acted out the "Tom Cruise" sliding in socks "Risky Business" famous movie scene,, but it was done completely by accident as I just slipped sideways in the kitchen in an a highly un-choreographed rendition,, my ending also did not turn out as cute as his,, (although a large thigh bruise would have been pretty sexy on him).

Pretty Woman Pictures, Images and Photos
Should have Bruised fingers

There was even yet another movie nod,, this time to Julia Roberts in "Pretty Woman". When I went in a drawer to get the jar opener that weak inebriated girls use to open precious new jars of Green Olives, I slammed my fingers in the drawer.. I didn't laugh cutely or make the world fall in love with me and call me their "sweetheart",, but,, the pain scream and sobbing directly after the slamming probably could have been mistaken for laughter because I was a bit too dramatic and slow motiony with it,, even hitting my knees and pleading to the heavens "WHY oh,,,,, WH-Y--Y-Y??" with a dramatic sob stutter. Julia would have also looked cute with bruised fingers had her scene been done a little differently. Richard Gere could have handled that situation a little more violently had he watched a "Saw" marathon and been a psychopath "trick" instead of a rich, deep thinking one. Rich deep thinking "tricks" seem totally boring to me.

Reading my texts the next day WAS fun though.. I was actually pretty impressed. For the most part I was very lucid, using many medium sized words and being pretty aware of my spelling and punctuation,, so even in a 3 beer drunken state I am a word whore.

I kept texting about how furious I was because I only had the 3 Michelob Ultra's and the rest was beer from ages ago when someone brought "Blue Moon" over to a social gathering. "Blue Moon" is NOT the beer to drink in a depressed state. With it's "fruity little under notes" and "wheat based goodness",, it's a "mamby- pamby- manscaping my whole body" beer.

I tried to remember what flake brought it so I could make fun of them again and let them know they were not invited should I ever have another social gathering unless they bring REAL beer and prove to me they are not shaved and entirely hairless like a girl,, ah hem,, then I will consider admitting them to the festivities. Wine coolers will also be accepted and "some" manscaping tolerated as I like Wine coolers and it's MY social gathering dammit.

And then I went to sleep.

The end.

And now for your listening pleasure The Invisible Seductress presents:

Note: Every ones alone drunken experience is a deeply personal matter and may be slightly different and more refined than mine. Please be inebriated responsibly---- without "Blue Moon" beer and Walmart greeter fantasies.


14 Seducing Deductions:

mac said...

Oooh ah ah ah ah !!!

mac said...

Try this version.

It just might solve your drunken singing problem... or give you nightmares :-O

Cal's Canadian Cave of Coolness said...

Hell girl, you are serious competition in the captioning AND the hotness competition. Have I not said that together we would rule the world which is 'NOT enough but it is such a perfect place to start, my love'. I like your short captions very much. For some reason mine turn into novels.

I SO want a clock that plays rain forest sounds. I had a noise box like that once that helped me sleep. I use the fans for that but they aren't the most perfect substitute.

Miss your emails. Hope you are doing better. I believe in you Kitty Kat.

Anonymous said...

Laugh..yes I was laughing so hard I wet myself :-) Great post !

Clyde said...

Ok, so I'm learning---that's three beer and green olives---
So if you are looking at the ceiling, yep, well we know that's the way you like to look.
And hairless like a girl---ok, I'll think on that---I'm thinking, I'm thinking, I'm thinking--oh, yes, I'm thinking
Ok, I've got a 6pack of beer, a jar of green olives and a plane ticket

The Invisible Seductress said...

Mac- poor little animated thingys!! laughing

Cal- We would have a blast co-writing.. ;) i am glad you believe in me!!!

Jeff- See,, I do feel better ;)

Clyde- I'll be the girl with the yellow flower in my hair at the airport....winks...

IT said...

Did I "hear" my name?

I don't do lectures, but three beers ...or more ...never made anything better.

What you said about keeping it positive... it works. When you walk into a room full of $#!+, start looking for the pony. I think you have the right idea.

The Invisible Seductress said...

It-Yes I DID call your name!!! And you are exactly right about the beer..It really didn't.. I'll find the pony.. ;)

Dutch donut girl said...

The 'funny mask' is a great defense mechanism when you're feeling scared and crappy. I know. I guarantee that your adoring fans will be here for you during the funny and not so funny times. Bad times pass, things get better.

As for the 'it' joke. Hilarious!!!
The alpaca looks like my neighbor. Hihi..

I alwasy press 'send' and then delete the images one by one. No beer intake, though ;)

Have a nice Fourth of July with your kids.

One of your fans

Boonsong said...

This is so funny! Thanks. You've cheered me up - and I was already happy.

Have a great day, Boonsong

Dutch donut girl said...

alwasy????? ALWAYS..

OK, I will admit it. I was drunk.

The Invisible Seductress said...

DDG- I am so glad someone liked my joke..smiling..And your comments made me REALLY smile,, I needed that..hugs

Boonsong- I am glad I could help, stop on by anytime, I will leave the lights on!! But unfortunately the chocolates never make it to the pillows her...Eeeeep.. :)

Anonymous said...

Lol! That was a funny read. Wal-mart greeter fantasies? Is that like when you dream about the only two people in the store being you and the Wal-mart greeter and he flashes his buttons at you and then wraps you up in "checked bag" stickers..and the you take a ride on the mechanical dinosaur and...ok, never mind, I can't even imagine what kind of Wal-mart fantasy you are thinking about. - G

Blogger said...

I've just downloaded iStripper, and now I enjoy having the sexiest virtual strippers on my desktop.

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