Wednesday, December 21, 2011

The First Christmas in Spring!!!

I miss blogging so very bad! If anyone is still out there, I miss you!!! I HAD to post SOMETHING for Christmas as I always do so this is it. Hopefully I will be back soon…..
I feel the best holiday memories can be made when we read to our children. As they sit cross-legged in footed pajamas, they hang on every word. Between melodious giggles and sips of hot chocolate (with extra marshmallows…NEVER skimp on this part), you can see the light in their eyes and the excitement of the holiday season. So, with this in mind I wanted to give the children in my life (and yours) the gift of an original Christmas story.
Merry Christmas to one and all!!


The First Christmas in Spring!!



In a forest so enchanted, no humans have been … there’s a wintery scene, up a hill, ‘round the bend. The Great Deer has called for a gathering there, he has information, he feels he should share.

There are mice on the scurry, hooting owls in the trees and a crowd of little bunnies … you can count if you please!!!

Climbing out from her home is a sleepy box turtle; her mom LOVES to rhyme, so she named her Myrtle!!!

A lizard is hanging upside down, from a branch; Naughty skunk wants to join … should we give him a chance? …………..

P-U!!!

Some frogs are arranged, in a row, on a log, by two clever Badgers drinking homemade eggnog.

A squirrel is digging and searching for nuts. He loses and drops them; he’s such a big klutz!!!

Mrs. Timber wolf howls, to call them to order ... Raccoon flashes some pictures … she’s the forest reporter!

The animals are happy, what a beautiful season! But why are they there? Great Deer shares the reason:

“Mr. Bear is so helpful; we all call him “friend”! And if you need a paw, then it’s FOUR that he’ll lend! But if he always goes sleeping, at the first sign of snow, the magic of Christmas, he NEVER will know!!! He is away from the joy that this season can bring … by the time he wakes up, it’s already SPRING!!!”

“But what can we do?” Mrs. Porcupine hollers “We can’t wake him up; we would be such a bother!”

The animals agree and they chirp and they chatter. Great Deer stomps his hooves, to stop all the clatter.

“We won’t wake him up” Deer states, to correct her “Let’s bring Christmas to him, at the end of this winter! We can string rows of garland, paint cones made of pine and hang shiny ornaments on a tree from a vine!”

“Let’s bring him some goodies!” The skunk says with a smile “He’s probably STARVI NG; he’s been sleeping a while!! We can get some big honeycombs, to place by his door, the bees are so generous and they’ll always make more!! Fruits and berries can be hung by HIS chimney with care; Bear’s rumbly tummy soon WON’T be THERE!!”


They were all so excited, they just couldn’t wait! The spirit of giving makes a GOOD Christmas G-R-E-A-T!!


Soon the snow would all fade and the flowers were in bloom and Bear awoke from his slumber, to come out of his room.

He yawned and he scratched and he stretched VERY loud, all the animals gathered; there was quite a big crowd!

By the time Bear stepped out, they had started to sing, it was the very first Christmas……..


………. IN THE MIDDLE OF SPRING!!

The End

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

Sending many Willy Nilly "pee spot in the pool" warm greetings to you!

I miss you all.

I know that is a bit vague, but writing here is important to me. Nobody else EVER listens to me.

No, no, don't cry for me Argentina!

But.....

I will have to shut the Droid down, and that means no Blogger posting, Facebooking, emails or anything else even remotely socially networkinish! I do hope to get back online someday soon but it will be tough until then.

I really doubt that anyone will actually listen in real life whilst I share about my love of Jello and David Beckham's abs, and licking jello off of David Beckham's abs while simultaneously knitting toe socks for the Elephants of the Zimboboaweaou villages, which is pretty ridiculous because, well, elephants really don't have toes, do they? Or be captivated while I share how that instead of Elephant toe sock knitting I start to Crochet scarves for the Giraffes of the Zimboboaweaou Villages because I really do want to be relevant in my angelic endeavors,, but I find crocheting scarves for Giraffes is very tedious work and I only get one row done before I decide to instead make pot holders for the neighboring Zim Zim Village Mice and this is VERY lucrative work because I can lick ALL the Jello off the first row of David Beckham's abs AND make 10,o52 pot holders for the mice of Zim Zim Village!!

So basically,, I am a HERO to everyone EXCEPT the Zimboboaweaou Elephants who have now barged in to inform me that their "toeish" like things are indeed very cold and striped knitted toe sock(s) really would improve their quality of life. Also, I find out tthat the normally accepting Zimbobweaou Giraffes are a little miffed and rioting because I didn't even offer to refer them to a more qualified Giraffe neck scarf crocheting service and consequently, this is also affecting THEIR quality of life!!

But the Zim Zim Mice kinda sort of still like me even though they don't own pots,, at least THEY can see the beauty in the thought of my gift!

Are you lost? No?? You mean you ACTUALLY understand this smattering of a story and wish to hear more?

That is PRECISELY why I miss you so!!

You respect my usage of a run-on sentence, afterall, they ARE the WD-40 of written word. You also understand that run-on sentences, in spoken word, don't hold any gravity and respect my gift of sharing them all willy nilly and wild like..

So now, if you are still reading this, I offer you a warm thank you, and not like a "swimming through a pee spot in the pool" warm either,, this is a tightly squeezed sweetened with Splenda Thank you for all the comments, and all the support and laughs you have given me warm...

And although I really do wish I could offer you more than just a simple albeit warm "thank you" for all the lub,,,,, my hands are stiff from the crocheting and knitting and grand parades in my honor,,, (oh, and also I am a little vroom, vroom over all of the Jello ab licking talk as well,,) *cough*

But seriously......Thank you!!!!!

Friday, September 9, 2011

Drops of Jupiter

Blue Sky Pictures, Images and Photos

This is a repost, but it is one of my favorite posts and always seems relevant. i donst get to do the elaborate picturing anymore and posting is difficult even more so coming up as I will be downgrading my phone and unable to blog from it. I hope that all who read this (possibly again) will smile and enjoy the ride.

You are looking straight up to nothing but blue sky. A chain crank, gears catch in a rhythmic song of anticipation.

First quickly,,, click,click,click,click......

.......Then it slows down, click.......click......cl--ick.....

Each jerk of the gears catching, jars your body back. Your view is still the same, blue skies and now,, gallons of clouds seem to be so close you can swirl them onto a long paper Cotton Candy cone.

You turn into a child again and wonder:



How would clouds be flavored?????


Cotton Candy Pictures, Images and Photos


What does something so pure and white taste of?????

Cotton Candy Pictures, Images and Photos



But your thoughts deviate as the clicking has stopped and you are at the very tip top of the incline. You are posed for descent, looking down at the car formed in red around you, lightening stripes decorating the sides, your only security from the drop off ahead.

Moments linger as your breath races to catch up with your heart and wind blows your hair in your mouth.

If you are lucky, a hand from the seat next to you reaches out to you and embraces each finger with love.

If you are alone, the strength you gather within yourself is even more of a gift.


Is it too late to question the safety of this roller coaster?

Yes.

You look at the tracks and plot your trip down them apprehensively,, but they seem to disappear beneath your gaze.

Do you have faith that they are still there, even if they are out of your circumspect vision?

Yes.

hands in the air Pictures, Images and Photos


Will you raise your hands and try to lift yourself off the security of the seat, accentuating the adventure of inertia even more and.......

LETTING GO AT THE DROP OFF??????

Or will you close your eyes and hug the harness, screaming at every motion, angle and change of orientation......

TOO SCARED TO LET IT REALLY EFFECT YOU???????

In life we have no option but to ride the track we are on at the time. We may be able to bend and curve the track at times, but to do that.....

......we have to let go of the safety harness and trust ourselves!

What would life be like if we never had a reason to raise our hands high in the air and experience whatever lies in front of us, for what it really is,,,,,,,

Another Adventure

Outcomes will vary but the ride should always be experienced freely, without the reservations of doubt welling up as a result of the last ride you took.

Each ride can be different even if the tracks look the same at first glance.

If you change the way you look at things,,,,,,

,,,,,,the things you look at change


What moments are engraved in your memory banks?

The first time someone held your hand-- Getting an A+ on a test you studied for all night--Your first crush actually KNOWING you are alive--That first kiss--Your first roller coaster ride--The taste of the summers first honeysuckle flower--Fireworks watched from the hood of a broke down Chevy truck--The first time you hit the gas and went 90MPH--The moment you realized you were making love to the right one--Watching your newborn scream, through tears of happiness--Puppy kisses--Letting go-or-Holding on-or-just knowing when--Finally climbing that mountain--Running away with him--Coming back without him--Loving your beautiful smile--Smiling in beautiful love--

Tasting your first Cotton Candy Cloud


Whatever track you are on.....




roller coaster Pictures, Images and Photos

...there will be "wooden roller coaster" shake your existence moments.....


But the wonderful "metal track" loop-de-loops and twisty twirls will always be awaiting you for the next ride......


roller coaster Pictures, Images and Photosroller coaster Pictures, Images and Photosroller coaster Pictures, Images and Photosroller coaster Pictures, Images and Photos


Don't be afraid to buy the tickets and stand in line for the next surprising, wonderful, exhilarating, redeeming, freeing, chilling, miraculous and

ALWAYS ADVENTUROUS

Roller Coaster Ride Of Life



.....And please take me with you...I am a Roller Coaster Junkie!!

Please enjoy "Drops of Jupiter" by Train:




Friday, September 2, 2011

Perhaps you have some advice...

Oh parenting...the drama...the tears...the bodily fluid clean-up..

Does it ever get easier?

Seductressville is an interesting place to live.. It's where all the neighbors knit rainbow toe socks for Troll dolls and sweet little cozies for our 3lb green gummy bears (all the other colors are on their own),, and we lay on thermapudic Circus Peanut mattresses releasing the sweet smell of what dreams are made of whilst we tell tales of Unicorns delicately painting each individual rainbow and naming flowers and Ninja warriors after us.

Sadly, not even this perfect scenario will make their transition from childhood seamless.

These kids lighten my world but also cause an incalculable level of worry and distress, every day.

So, as I sit on the floor rocking back and forth and chanting about cookies and milk (by cookies I mean xanex and by milk, I mean Pink Cosmo's), I hope you understand.

Yet, through all the struggle, I know the days are quickly passing me by and it saddens me.

The freckles painted perfectly on little noses and cheeks are fading--Soon the days of stepping on defiant plastic Superheros with every shower will be gone--Or finding that my razor was used to sneak and shave the babyfine hair on little tanned legs by sweet tiny unprofessionally painted neon colored clad fingernailed hands--the days of candy wrappers hidden in drawers, gone-- Strangely-miniature but still over exaggerated brazierish undergarments won't hide in the back of my dryer--Yes, even the underwear will have a makeover, no more colrful days of the week or fruit, cup cakes and ice cream cones, or even Spongebob will be printed on them as bribery to remember to change them EVERY day--They will soon pretend they are too "mature" to want that free lollipop at the bank, but the fact that they are named "dum-dum pops" will still lead to an hour of hilarity--"Nonsters" won't hide under beds, allowing me to multi-task by spraying an unmarked bottle of Febreeze as "de-monster" protectant on the bed--Nobody's feet will dangle from a shopping cart awaiting a cookie from the bakery (sadly, people will ALWAYS look at me strangely as I dangle my feet from the cart while I savor Publix's sugar cookies). I'll miss popsicle smiles and pictures on the refrigerator of stick figures that still look surprisingly just like our family, even with the lack of fingers and joints.


We won't always be their hero. They probably won't even like me for a large periond of time coming up real soon. I won't be able to control the way other people see them or even more importantly, how they see themselves. I can only hope that they realize that only they can control their self worth. This is a hard lesson that I can not even attest to have learned 100%, few can. But it's one that is invaluable. I had a friend tell me that she is the most "her" that she has ever been before. That translates into happines however you slice it. What a revelation for us to teach to our children. How do you do this with your kids?
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Saturday, August 27, 2011

Uh, does my T-shirt REALLY have "DORK" written on it???

-I have'nt been sleeping very well lately, things are swirling in my head like a rogue slushee machine. This causes brain freeze of a different calibur. Movies of your life play relentlessly without giving you popcorn confetti breaks or moments of Twizzler slappin' fun!

WHAT???

You have never experienced a Twizzler slapping fun time before? Well, well, well my innocent Twizzler slappin' virgin you- I am befuddled at your lack of candy abuse experience! I vow to take your Twizzler slapping virginity and leave you begging for 54 sour straw lashes in my wake...

*cough*

(Yes, I do realize I have issues, that is precisely why you like me!! Right?)

Any way I suppose I should get to the point of this post which is to expose myself to a little humiliation "Seductress style"

It was roughly 2:30 Am when my head finally concreted the fact that I was to be without slumber this night. I accepted my fate humbly and started to instantly crave sex and/or Jello through a straw. I obviously opted for Jello through a straw because the allure of that scandalous act makes me weak in the knees and trembling with passion. I then had the brilliant idea that the mail should be checked NOW!

This place, for some reason unbeknownst to me, has a gravel covering on the porch and sidewalk.

And even though I know that this gravel sidewalk acts like tiny razor blades impaling my super sweet and sexy feets, I still choose to traverse it, barefoot,,, because that's how I roll, yo.

The walk in that level of pain resembles slapstick comedy at it's best. My hobbling rush to get to the grassy patch in front of the gravel sidewalk that is infested with sticker bush weeds then ensues.

I realize that it might sound silly, trading one level of pain for another, but it still doesn't sound sillier that the fact that there are flip-flops right by the door and I am too lazy/stupid to take the time to don them and avoid this whole pain waltz in the first place.

I finally do get to the driveway and amble down torwards the mailbox, which along with mail, also happens to inhabit a larger than normal spidey and its, stickier than normal web. I have learned to reach in and ever so quickly and stealthily pull the mail out, avoiding both web and webmaker 96% of the time.

This would be the .04% that I dreaded.

As I did the OMG there is a @$%$##@! spider on my ^&%$#@ hand dance,,,,,,, police spotlights catch me in the act.

Oh,,,,, did I forget that they were patrolling more these days and "normal" people are not usually break dancing in front of their mailboxes at 2Am in the morning???

Yes, yes I did!

He edged forward.

I reach down to pull my t-shirt down a bit because I find that I am a little shy in police spotlights........*shrugs* Who knew??

The walk up the driveway and the accompanying dance of pain through the sticker weeds and "shards of glass" gravel sidewalk could only be more animated now that I added the pull the t-shirt down ritual.

His beams were getting closer.....

I too was getting closer to the safety of my door and my hopefully anonymous escape that it offered.


But then,,,,

,,,,,this wouldn't really be MY story if that happened now would it?????

.....to be painfully continued.....

Thursday, August 25, 2011

There are absolutes in my life.


I always wear sparkles-I love green olives AND green jello-I am obsessed with Circus Peanuts and David Beckham's abs- I want to go into a little house and do very un-prairieish things to Charles Ingals whilst Mr. Edwards enthusiastically sings: "Old Man Tucker" and plays spoons on his knees right outside the window-If I am at someone's house or business and they have ambient light, I secretly blow out the candles to smell the phospherous wisp of air and then act aloof when someone notices all the candles have been estinguished-I will trip on air but never seem to fall like the dude in the warning signs always does- I believe the risk of salmonella poisioning is minimal compared to the joy of eating raw cookie dough-I still love Santa Claus, thumb war and Vodka, but not always in that order-

Friday, July 29, 2011

Just another day in the life.....

baby giraffe & momma Pictures, Images and Photos


My brain is tapped out for comedy or even a smidgen of intellectual banter of the written persuasion.

This is an example of what my mornings look like:

Middle kid has been sick all night,, middle kid is the Drama Queen of the universe,, Mom wishes ANYONE else but the Drama Queen of the universe would be sick,, ANYONE!!!! (I say again for dramatic purposes) Mom gets no sleep,, oldest spawn gets a little amount of sleep,, oldest spawn is mean when she gets a little amount of sleep,, oldest spawn screams and refuses to wake up,, youngest child awakens and acts like a happy Disney character,, happy Disney characters are very freaking irritating early in the morning,, Mom feels like a Disney villain ,, there is much crying and exaggeration of illness symptoms from middle child,, Mom is trying very hard to be sympathetic and engaging while much crying and exaggeration of illness symptoms ensues from middle child,, Mom goes on an imaginary strike,, imaginary strike does not last long,, the children want,, what do they want??

What could they POSSIBLY want, you ask sweetly:

Everything,,

Mom has nothing to give but love,, they want more than love,, Mom deduces children must have completed advanced underground training courses in aggravation,, Mom concludes children received A+'s in the advanced underground training courses in aggravation and are now just showing off their skills,, main toilet overflows BEFORE 6AM,, Mom does not feel pretty when toilets overflow,, it makes her sparkles dull,, Mom cleans over-flowed toilet bathroom while cursing under her breath and NOT feeling pretty,, there is still much middle child gakking,, there is much ado about said middle child gakking,, middle child's symptoms advance quickly,, middle child starts getting sick from both ends now,, Mom discovers middle child getting sick from both ends moments too late,, Mom cleans up mess from middle child getting sick from both ends which she discovered moments too late and again does not feel pretty,, Mom tries hard to feel pretty,, she fains a smile,, Mom still does not feel pretty,, did mom EVEN put on sparkles today??? Mom determines that it really is too early to go back to bed and thinks about resorting to copious amounts of alcohol and wishing Xanex grew on the tree in the front yard so she could partake in it heavily..

Mom determines it is too early for Xanex and copious amounts of alcohol,, but realizes that had it been 15 minutes later,, this may have been acceptable behavior to everyone EXCEPT Dr. Phil,, Mom realizes that even Dr. Drew would have partaken in this blatant attempt to cope.. He would suggest rehab start tomorrow and offer me a hit on the downlow.. I love chocolate so I would accept..

*The following is an Invisible Seductress PSA*

Just say "NO" to drugs.... But "HELL'S YES" to chocolate!!

Mom would leave town,, but deduces that the children know her name and would inevitably follow her screaming it,, making the scene look somewhat sketchy,, Mom makes plans to change her name and NOT let her children know what her new name is..

Mom realizes the only way out of this bad day that has just started is to face it head on with humor,, Mom starts telling bad jokes and feels a little bit better,, youngest child drops too full bowl of fruity,, nutritionally void cereal on the nice shaggy rug,, Mom cries a little and looks to the sky and screams:

"REALLY ???"

Mom glances at her children,, one is crying because he dropped his too full bowl of fruity,, nutritionally void cereal on the nice shaggy rug even though he will eat breakfast at the sitters and this was sort of a "snack" anyway,, son STILL doesn't understand mom's "snack" philosophy.. One girl is crying because she is sick from both ends even though she is not cleaning it up and has a cool cloth on her head and a sweet mommy rubbing her back,, one kid is cross armed and all attitude because her little sister kept her up all night,, Mom sucks it up and apologizes for the bad morning,, Mom proclaims her love for children, promises that the day will get better and hugs each child individually (although sick middle child gets a half hug pat thingy because she still looks green)..

Kids say:

"I love you Mom!"

This is said almost in perfect unison,, Mom now feels BEAUTIFUL!!!

Her sparkles begin to shine once more,,

...until the car stalls repeatedly before even leaving the neighborhood and youngest child,, who sits in back of mom powerpukes and mom swears the puke was perfectly aimed to fly into the square hole in the back of her head rest.....

"REALLY???"

And then he starts to sing because now he feels better,, guess what is more annoying than a happy Disney character first thing in the morning?? A happy Disney character IMMEDIATELY after powerpuking through the square hole in the back of your mother's head rest...

The End.


Please enjoy my favorite clip from Family Guy:

Saturday, July 2, 2011

Snuggledog's story: Pee'd on and Tee'd off!

Snuggledog lives a charmed life. In the arms of his boy, he is
warm, safe and always in the lap of luxury. At night, he has a pillow and his own special spot tucked in bed, under the blanket, cradled in Traxx's arms.

He is the head of the stuffed animal mafia and calls all the shots in the toy box. He has watched Toy Stories 1,2 AND 3 and is very aware of the importance of his position in a childs life.

A restful nights sleep depends on him. The other "lesser" stuffed animals need him to delagate out time away from the toy box to be engaged in play with Traxx. He has made sacrifices to gain the position of "top dog" in my son's life.

This is just one such story of Snuggledog's sacrifice and the power and magic of a boy's love.

The following story is written by Snuggledog as translated by me. Apparently Snuggledog has a southern girl's accent, not sure why and it is a bit disturbing but you should read the story in that way to best enjoy it.

It was a hot summer evening in the heart of the south, cicada bugs sit screaming on prickly branches as the sun sings it's swan song. Mamma had worked all day in the fields courting gentlemen with her curtsy and bows, whilst my boy had labored tirelessly at being a Stealth Bomber of energy and light. Oh, he is a sight to behold, I declare, a cold glass of lemon infused sweet tea if I might say! (see, weirdly southern right?)

My boy had drifted off to sleep on the long car ride home as I whispered of snails and puppy dog tails in his ear. Mamma lifted him out of his carseat and pointed us in the direction of the door, lovingly reminding him to use the restroom before laying down for the night.

He took me; Snuggledog, his faithful friend, into the loo room.

Still groggy from all of the day's tasks, he began to relieve himself with spotty aim in the porcelin pot.

Mamma asked him to mind this infraction. Her normally soothing and sultry voice must have startled the child as he lost his hold upon me and I fell into the toilet bowl to be pee'd upon.

My boy couldn't help it, he had tried to stop, but he could'nt stop the flow of urine from molesting me.

I declare, I swallowed all the fresh air I could whilst doggie paddling for my furry life as my boy screamed at the horrific discovery.

Mamma assured him I would be fine and went to get a bag to aid in my travel to the washing machine so I wouldn't drip the toilets toxic water on her sparkling floor.


Oh how my boy screamed for my safety as Mamma put me in that plastic grocery bag:

"He will cufficate in that bag mom!! He'll cufficate!!"

Mamma gently pulled my head out so I could breathe and as I took those deep breaths, Mamma allowed Traxx to kiss the tip of my right ear (as it was the only untarnished patch of fur), before she was brought to the task of depositing my newly soiled body into the darkness of the washing machine.

The boy realized that he was to be facing the night without my charms and again voiceforously presented his saddness to Mamma:

"Snuggledog is the ONLY friend I sleep with!! He is my favoriteist aminal!! I CAN'T sleep without Snuggledog!!"

His tears flowed freely as I began to gargle loudly in the soapy water, thus signalling for Mamma to lift the lid to the washer and heed my sweet voice.

"Let the boy sleep with Grandpa Bear tonight" I told her.

"Grandpa Bear will protect and keep him warm!" I continued, in my quest to comfort him.

Mamma told the boy of my valiant biddings.

The boy shrugged off the idea of Grandpa Bear's love at first out of his devotion for me, but Mamma wisely spoke to him once again:

"It's the way Snuggledog wants it, we have to be strong FOR HIM!!"

Mamma is so brave and astute! She is also a fine and wonderful virtuoso translator of stuffed animal linguistical matters.

Yes, I suffered a little collateral damage in the washer and squealed in the dryer at the abuse, and I still do have signs of the torture around my right eye, but the lesson of love is a battle of a sparkling heart and mine shined that day!

When I was reunited with my boy, he asked Mamma if she would have had to throw me away if there had been poop in the loo and I got it on me.

Mamma jokingly, but also a tad cold heartedly replied:

"Yes" upsetting my boy.

He questioned her answer once again:

"If I got poop on ME, would you throw ME away??"

"Yes" Mamma joked once more.

"But I'm YOUR KID!!" he stated strongly.

"Yes, and I will ALWAYS love you.....AND Snuggledog!!!"

And we all laughed and laughed.


Sunday, June 5, 2011

This is a test of the emergency seductress system. Had this been an actual seduction, instructions would follow...

Seriously, I miss you guys! This cell writing is tough-but reading is even tougher! But I do read you all, but then commenting is hard. I miss this badly. But I do receive some questions and will now answer a few of them because I love you so... You feel it?? The love?? You feel it don't you? I can tell because your paw is tapping the ground when I rub behind your ear like this!!

Q: If you ever came face to face with an Invisible Seductress in her natural habitat, how would you attempt to woo her?

A: Although Invisible Seductress sightings ARE rare (as wild creatures cannot be tamed), there is a small chance that you may one day experience her lure and wile. This is even more intriguing if she has been recently sparkled. However, a word of caution is warranted here; you may find yourself inundated with giddy "Glee Episode" like joy and smarm, christened with excess sparkles and an uncontrollable longing to float in industrial sized green Jello vats on large pineapple rings (cut on the diagonal, of course!) Furthermore, you may also start to look at simple things in a completely new and delightful way. Circus Peanuts, for example, start radiating the warmth and fuzzy feelings of a childhood long past. In the canned meat aisle of your local grocery store, you may burst out singing the praises of Spam, (expertly accompanying yourself with the finely tuned instruments you created lovingly out of Sporks, road-found combs, partially used toilet paper tubes and a smattering of the beautiful light-amber colored Spam coagulant substance you have been saving at home,,,, (because it adds that "little something extra").

Note: The examples I have mentioned here are only a few of the "after effects" of a Seductress sighting, there would really need to be a personal empiricism to understand the gravity of the event, so I will move on to the next question.

Q: What would you do for a Klondike bar? (Please sing this question for your maximum enjoyment)

A: I feel this is an unfair question because you are not actually offering to bequeath to me a Klondike bar. You are in essence going to judge me on my dedication/willingess to perform grand actions of uncharacteristically bizarre or embarrassing feats to "sweeten the kitty" or be rewarded with a Klondike bar. I also feel the premise of the Klondike bar commercial is being misapprehanded here. Where the commercial offered positive and instantaneous Klondike bar gratification for an act that was completely "on the fly" or without premeditation, your question suggests that a totally different strategic position must surface. There would be much more time to conjure up a grandiose reaction thus ENSURING that the individual would demonstrate a much higher level of dedication and AUTOMATICALLY be gifted the Klondike bar in a much publicized reward ceremony. Furthermore, you,,, in a blatant defiant act of cruelness,,, do not even TRY to produce the mere "offer" or thereafter show the actual ability of delivering that sweet, sweet prize to me or another brave undertaker of the feat in question. So once again, as to not be tautological, I will move on to the next question.

Q: Your posts are very long, and as much as I love reading them, sometimesI have to skip through. Have you considered a less wordy way of writing posts?

A: Yes

Q: Seductress, why doest thou hold court alone? Surely with thoust divine beauty, supreme intelligence and "spot on" comedic timing,,,, along with being the most humblest Goddess of light and sparkle in the country,,,, surely you wouldst have daily lines of amazing suitors at your beck and call, Why doest thou dance as a half in a land of many wholes??

Note: Ok, so maybe I wrote this one, but surely thoust does wonder,,,, at least ONE of my royal court should step up "Batman villain style" and "riddle me this" by mentioning this daunting quandary of mine!! If not then they have not heardst the ruling put forth by the divine goddess of light and sparkle in reference to the beheading of any who scoff at my dating status,,, well,,, at least a public scoffing anyways.... And seriously, you have to admit: "Why doest thoust dance as half in a land of many wholes" really IS a great question!

A: I submit the following answerful for your perusal: Randomness.... I an VERY random. In my humor, in my quirkiness, in my clutzy endeavors to look suave in times of attraction to the opposite sex.

You want someone to flub a "come on line" --I'll do it! You want someone to humor you with jokes after I fall down a flight of stairs in front of you on the first date?--pick me! You swant someone who dances down the Cirxus Peanut aisle--*ooooh,ooooh *raising hand*

I guess when I was IN a relationship, I acted AS the relationship permitted. I was so lost in being everything that he needed (or so I thought) that I was scared to come out on my own. But now, I am a quintessential bit of weird and random and wondering if I even CAN fit into a "normal" relationship. Is it like the "riding a bike" thing? I hope not, because if it is, I would revert back into the girl who accepted being treated like an afterthought ALL of the time. So for the sake of logic, if men really DO want women to be organized and precise and are scared of a little whimsy and sparkles, I will submit the following formal resume for you to read at your leisure. Please suggest to me, in comment form, any changes that would need to be made in order to successfully complete the task at hand, which apparently, as stated above, is dancing on land as a whole.

My formal dating resume

The Invisible Seductress
Location:

Stuck in horse country where there really aren't handsome single horse tycoons walking around waiting to find me afterall.

Objective:

To build a meaningful stable relationship where my skills in sarcasm and seduction will be utilized to their fullest potential and a team environment thrives.

History:

Married too long to someone who couldn't care less about things.

Dated numerous men who were not able to stop dragging knuckles and stay erect, er, uh, I mean STAND ERECT (what were YOU thinking I meant? Geesh).

Skills:

Raising beautiful children on my own who are actually more mature than many of the men I have dated.

Can cook, clean, budget, bring home the bacon, fry it up in a pan, and never let you forget you're a man, cause I'm a woman! W--O--M--A--N...

.. and then say it again.....

Dang it, I just don't do "organized and precise" well at all do I??? I'm dooooooomed!!
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Friday, May 27, 2011

Ants are our friends!

Oh little ants, you'd think that after a few dozen of your scout ant bretheren failed to return from their mission, you would re-strategize and formulate another plan of attack and possibly another location to ship your scouts. You see, my bathroom is NOT filled with sugar mountains majesty and rivers of syruppy bliss to linger in. Perhaps retraining efforts should begin.

I have not had an ant problem since I moved into my first apartment at 19. I noticed around 3 ants on my counter and did what every single gal would do-go to Home Depot and look for a hottie to save you from your own fained ignorance. It was a great plan of attack and as the handsome gentleman corralled me to the pesticide aisle-I perfected my southern accent with some sweet giggles, took his advice and bought some clear stuff with a picture of a cross-eyed ant on it. The next morning after using the treatment, the 3 ants turned into about 1,052, all swirling around my bait like it was nectar from the ant gods. The morning after that, there were about 2,978 ants on the counter. Approximately 33% of those were dead and had 3 or 4 mourners by their side, I was mortified. I cleaned it up and never used the nectar again. A day later, I only had one ant on the counter and a date with the home depot guy. After the date, I deduced that ant would have been better company for the evening.

Now this is the part of the story that will solidify your true thoughts and perceptions of me as a reader. You will add "certifiably crazy" to your list of Seductress traits. Hopefully nestled nicely behind: Quirky-fun-Circus Peanut eating, goddess of light and inspiration (cough).

You see, these ants are not pesty trailblazing ants. They are unusually large wanderers of peace. And if you cock your head and close one eye they are actually very cute. Their bizarrely long antennae buzz around happily, making them cartoonish in appearance. And you know how I love anthropomorphic things, well, these ants are straight from a Disney flick. And they are always there in the morning when no one but me and the Circus Peanut farmers are awake. And since I love to talk....

I talk to them.

I want you to know that I do understand that they may speak in a different language than I and they may only hear a series of chirps every time I open my mouth, but they do seem to listen, their antennae stop the swirling and focus on my every word, which is more than I can say for most humans.

I talk about things like how upsetting it is to wake up and find that a spawn shat in the middle of the night and it was too big to flush, and how this makes me feel less sexy than I should ALL day!!

I let them know how lucky they are that they don't have unruly coifs to style every morning.

I ask them if the Disney depiction of their existence in "A Bugs Life" is accurate, are they really living in the oppression of grasshoppers? Cause if so, I may have to take grasshoppers OFF my list of bugs I allow to live if found in my house, along with Lady Bugs, Daddy long leg spiders and Roly Poly's. This would give me a completely different political viewpoint and the death penalty may be warranted.

I ask them if ant sex is exciting, we laugh and laugh when they blush over the topic.

I question whether or not they had a choice in their career path, because being a long distance "over the road" ant scout must be strenuous. Is there hazard pay? You Know, for risks like, well, me??

And this is where the conversation turns a little morbid. I have them choose their fate. Would they prefer a watery ride on the loo, or a "to the point" squashing. Counter-clockwise twist of the antennae for the loo and clockwise for the squash. The squash always seems to win, but I assume it is only because antennae can not move counter-clockwise.

I do apologize to them that they do now have to die, but also explain that If it were up to me, I would gladly let them live. They come to an understanding that the girls do that "squealy girl thing" everytime they see one of their kind and the "squealy girl thing", as we all know, makes any rational human want to puncture their ear drums with those little fancy toothpicks you might find securing the layers on a Denny's club sandwich. I would use the pink topped ones (see, I knew you were wondering what color I would choose for this act of mercy, because I'm all intuitive like that).

But the real story here is about my son. He says that the ants are our friends and that we should not kill them. He is also the child that after I mistakenly told him that the grasshoppers that hang out around the front door must be "racing hoppers" because they are black with a bright yellow stripe, brought a dozen or so in the house while I was in the back room and was found laughing and slapping the tile to encourage "the racers".

I have watched him numerous times as he carefully scoops up a lucky ant and carries it gingerly to the porch, talking to it all along the way. He then slowly places them on the concrete and to the beginning of their new found freedom. He says a final sweet goodbye and pats them on the head,,, which promptly and ironically,,,


,,,, kills the ant in a "to the point" squashing fashion....


Thus is the circle of life... (insert Lion King music here)
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Sunday, May 22, 2011

repost of my first eloquently written "Love Letter"...REVAMPED SEDUCTRESS STYLE!!! and sadly still teaches a lesson.....

I wanted to repost this because in looking back at my dating experiences since I wrote this post I can honestly say: WTF?!!

It seems, the further I delve into what are supposed to be the "happiest" and "funnest" single times of my life, the more I realize that maybe that 19 year old I thought I "loved" was actually a love "rocket scientist". That guy who wore tight ball busting jeans and a t-shirt that read: STUD FOR HIRE, to meet my preacher father for the first time, (causing our only "dates" to be on the front porch of my house for months) rivaled Einstein. He "got it", he knew that when/if it was meant to be, it WOULD be. And if it wasn't, then that would be OK too.

Maybe I STILL have it all wrong. Is the moment that I actually just accept my own life "as it is" and without the pressure of feeling "less than" because I don't have a husband or partner, the moment that a weight will be lifted off my shoulders and I can start to enjoy every breath without feeling "slighted"?


=( Pictures, Images and Photos

So, these are words that I wrote for a sweet faced love of mine. Words that as I wrote them, made me weep from the strength and joy I had thought I found. Words that haunt me again as I found them hidden (in rough draft form) in an envelope stuck in a chest full of other memories. The page was still punctuated with the tears of joy I had shed while writing and also the tears of pain shed after he left (insert empathetic sniffle here)... and now the tears of laughter at thinking he ever deserved these words in the first place!! But I was young (19), and he was my first "love"...

So without further ado, I give you:

THE LOVE LETTER
By: The girl who WAS invisible, but definitely NOT a seductress!!

Teenage Love Pictures, Images and Photos

Dear You,

Your words send me into a trance, it's only when I stumble upon the weakness that I have for you that I feel my own mortality. We are transcending time with each touch, like a stop motion camera watching a flower blossom in the spring. The petals of love soften and curl as they open fully to the morning rays, exposing a virgin soul that had otherwise remained hidden from the light, pure and sweet with its intentions. I await further ripening of my spirit with each breath you take, that lingers next to my skin. I pull to you closer and steal the heat away as I enjoy every part of your being. I am renewed when you look into my eyes, pushing me deeper and deeper into a loss of rational thought. I will give you all that I have and would offer all I ever will, if you were to stay here by my side, looking at me that way, feeding every carnal hunger.

It is much more than a love, but a journey into what all of us pray to find in another, a union of mind and body, separate and defined, but parallel on the path to our happy ending.

Love,
Me

Uh,, yea,, that SHOULD have scared the hell out of a normal 19 year old boy!!!!!!

No wonder he ran a few weeks after this!! This left me crushed and questioning my worth.

I now know that this is what I should have written to wooo him at at that very tender age...

Dear Megaman-awesomepants,

You still live with your parents, I have my own place and big screen TV with a remote control that loves the sports channel and soft porn. I also have a fake ID for beer, real tits that your friends all talk about and a blonde room mate who wants a "stripper pole".

You're stupid, but I won't call you on it. I'm smart, but I won't rub it in your face by using big words like: "antidisestablishmentarianism" in our daily conversations although I do feel that the antidisestablishmentarianism of the church has greatly improved.

I work at the bank so you may possibly be entitled to refunds when you bounce $15 checks buying clearance video games at Toys-R-Us. And buy me a Pez dispenser for our anniversary while you are there please!!

I think buffalo wings should accompany every date we go on and going "dutch" is awesome! I want your clothes to smell fresh so I will wash them with jasmine, and also,,,, please allow me to wash your feet and dry them with my hair, as done in biblical times.

When you fart it enlightens my senses. When you burp, I feel the love in the air. Size and time does not matter when I am with you, you are a sexy, sexy beast! The tracks in your underwear that lay on my floor, that I have to walk over to get out of the room, are even very sexy! And it's cool that you don't actually have to un-zip or un-belt your pants because they fall to the ground like you shrunk out of them ie: the witch in "The Wizard of Oz", I think clothes that fit are so over rated!

And YES,,,,, marijuana SHOULD be legalized because you say so! You create a very compelling debate for it when you are high, that is greatly accentuated with the cheez-puff dust on the corner of your mouth and the burn holes on your t-shirt from when you dropped the doobie in passing. When you screamed: "DUDE!!! I'm on FIRE,,,,, DUDE!!!" it was really, really endearing and the warm beer I put you out with worked very nicely!

Your friends are always welcome here as they are all geniuses. And it is OK that your ex-girlfriend still calls you in the middle of the night, you are very thoughtful to take the time to counsel her.

Oh, and I WILL support you until you get another job. I am sure your female boss just "imagined" you were flirting with her when you hand slipped off the King of the Burger's register and slapped her polyester clad rear end.

Love,
Me

Do you think he would have stayed then?

LOL(ing)

Young love and the lessons we have to learn the hard way!!!

Here's to hoping that the men my age have transcended that ignorance,, but still like cheez- puffs...

I'm still OK with cheez-puffs!!!

Please enjoy a classic snippet from the charming men of SNL:



HEY!!! I've danced with these guys!!!!

Note to self: AAAAAAAAAGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH *facepalm*.....

And PS: I love the "retro" comments too! I hope all of you have found great happiness in the months since this originally was posted and even though I seem to be in the same spot, I have since mastered scaring off an even more clueless set of men-- so--here's to all the single gals who are OK with their "weird catless cat-lady" futures if thats what they are meant to have...But if not....single men......watch out......we're coming for ya!!!!

Saturday, May 7, 2011

A Mothers Love.....

This is a repost... One night Traxx climbed in bed with me, the light was shining on his little face SOOO perfectly, it made me tear up. I laid hoping my kids know how much I love them. I ended up writing this story and illustrating it this afternoon (which because I am NOT an artist, took forever!!). DramaGirl got into the action contributing a pic of the most perfect platypus and a tag at the end..... it is so sweet and SPECIAL!!

I am giving this post to you again as a mothers day present. I wish I could print it for you all. Re-gift it to people with kids as much as you want. It may not be an award winning book, but it is sweet and came from a mommies heart. (little tip.... I'm the vixen....*wink*)





Deep in the forest, under big shady trees, a meeting was starting, the kind no one sees.

A Fox took charge and she silenced the crowd:

“We’ll all get our chance now, no need to be loud!”

“We’re here to find out, which mom loves the best!"

"Which animal mommy will beat ALL the rest?”

A polar bear rumbled, and wanted her turn, for HER love was the deepest, as all here should learn.



“I come from the land, of snow and of wind, the days are too long, but the nights never end. I can look to the sky and almost always will see, a dance of bright snowflakes performing for me. With each frozen jewel that will land on this Earth, well, I love my cubs TWICE that much since their birth!”

This number impressed even the head of the meeting, but the other mom’s knew, their love wasn’t fleeting. They mumbled and griped, and refused to be quiet, and then a Toucan flew over to add to the riot:



“I’m from the forest of hard daily rains, and sometimes it gets messy, sometimes it’s a pain, but we love our babies, colored bright like the sun, more than every single raindrop, YES, EVERY SINGLE ONE!”

Again there was gasping, that number WAS grand, but a cheeky mommy monkey would now take the stand:



“Well, everyone knows it’s bananas we crave, we eat TEN each day, and nary we save. Take every banana, and all of their trees, why, we’d give them ALL up just to hug our babies!!”

Mommy Fox looked over, to a small patch of ground, to see the odd creature that was making odd sounds:



“A platypus, HEY, well what do ya know?
I can’t wait to hear THIS, just give it a go!!”

The platypus smiled and waved to the crowd.
She stood on her hind legs and spoke VERY loud:


(I am in LOVE with DramaGirl's Platy, aren't you?)

“Yes, we look strange, I admit that is true, but no love is stronger, just let me tell you! We live in the water where mud swirls up, we dig and make homes there and never give up. For all of our fighting to survive every struggle, we’d do it forever just to raise our sweet little puggles.”

“Oh my," the Fox said! Well, who would have known? Baby plats are called puggles, until they are grown! And I must declare, you gave quite a show, while you talked about your baby with your face all aglow!”


“Glowing, who’s glowing? With THAT we are best!
Just let me speak up, I’ll pass every test!"


There flying high, Fox saw a sweet friend, and this little friend had a light on her end!

“Little, Mrs. Firefly, I bid you HELLO!!
It's your turn to speak now, so give it a GO!"



“We glow like the sun, twinkling bright with our love, that easily out shines, the stars shooting above!!”

Soon a mom grew impatient;
jumping straight to the front:

“Just stop all this nonsense, so I can finish my hunt!”



“Dear Tigress, yes, YES, please, share your story, a mothers love is so precious and deserves ALL the glory!”

“We hunt very often and teach our cubs to be strong, if we respect what is offered, we never go wrong. This great land is a gift, but our cubs are the treasure, the pride land is so vast, it can never be measured. To our cubs we pass down, all they see, they will own, another love so empowered, will NEVER be known.”

One shy little raccoon now waved her black paw:



“I don’t mean to intrude, but there’s something I saw.”

“Sweet Mommy Raccoon, yes, step up and we’ll chat, what did you see, and where were you at?”

“It’s in the small homes of a quaint little village; I stop there to eat, from their garbage I pillage. I look in the window each night and I see, a picture so touching it affects even me!”

“You’ll all come along, I will show you the way!"

"We’ll have the TRUE story by the end of the day!”

The animals all followed their smart little friend and wound up at a window down the street at the end. A mother was snuggled up, reading a book, with her sweet little babies, she shared loving looks. At the end of the story she tucked them in tight and kissed their cheeks softly and turned out the lights. She walked to the hallway, then peeped in again, just to tell them once more, how much she loved them.

The animals were touched, but not ONE could be sure, which mommy animal loved THEIR babies more.

They stood looking in, knowing one thing was clear;
they ALL missed their babies and wanted them near!

Some ran off quickly, and some took it slow...




After all, how fast could a mommy turtle go?

They went to their dens, to the nests or the shore, back home to their babies that each one adored. They told them THIS story and tucked them in tight. They kissed their cheeks softly, and turned out each light.

They took a few steps and then peeped in again, just to tell their sweet babies how much they loved them.

Now I’m reading this story so I can tell YOU, how much I adore everything that you do.

I’ll kiss your sweet cheek and turn out your light, pull up your blankets, and snuggle you tight!

I’ll tell you I love you and smile, but then, I’ll steal one more hug, while I tell you AGAIN!!



That is the story, and it should be the end!
But Mommy Fox's are tricky, so SHE peeps
BACK in!

I have something to tell you!
There is something to know!




This Mommy Fox WINS our little LOVE show!!!


THE END


As an added bonus, the PERFECT song for this post.....



Friday, April 29, 2011

Why don't you come over here and SPARK me sometime!!

I recieved an email notification that someone on a dating site I used to be a member of thought we'd have "sparks" together. This was great news! I like feeling like flintstone from time to time------starting fires with the men of America. And with all this Royal Wedding stuff flying around---who wouldn't want to feel sparkaliscious for a moment?

So I decided to follow the link and catch a glimpse of this very observant hunk muffin.

I open it up to a 53 year old anomoly.

Now I am sure this is a very nice gentleman and I certainly mean no harm, but I was cornfused. Was he Freddy Mercury... Was this Mick Jagger?? Wait.... is this Steven Tyler?? A zombie Axl Rose? Mork from Ork???

There he was, sitting on a counter in a lycra jewel- toned unitardish shirt,,, patterned "Hammer" pants and chunky white tennis shoes accentuated with red socks and yes, suspenders. And he arched his back really nice like whilst crossing his legs too.

There was even a caption over the picture that read: My favorite spot!

Your favorite spot is sitting on a counter posing like it's a Sports Illustrated swimsuit cover shoot???

Is this a joke?

He even had his bangs and the sides of his hair curled under people...

And not just in one "joke" picture, each one was stranger than the last...I could hear the rock and roll screams bellowing in my head and imagine the fights over the curling iron and the last precious spritz's of aquanet. It was confusing... And still confuses me...


Until another "spark" message rang through,,, rehabilitating my hope for a "normal" admirer..

It was Aquarious69...A 69 year old Horoscope follower and Muppet doppleganger.

(Note: Do not add "69" to your screen name for ANY reason, it's 125% extra smarmification that no decent human should want to posess.. just say'n)

I see this "sparked" Muppet and all I can think about is squishing his spongy orange nose and making him do bizarre things with his puppety "arm sticks"....

Is the subset of men in my range so saturated that I may have to settle for a Muppet or a zombie rock star with mad posing skills,,,,

'cause I will.... I tell you sweet friends, I will...And.... I'll LIKE IT!!!
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Sunday, April 24, 2011

A Palooza........

I think there is a problem in this world. "What is it??" you inquire, while you play scrabble with a handsome Indonesian jumping platypus named Stanley Flumple, who curiously enough, knows a lot more 6-letter words ending in double "ZZ's" than you do...

Wow you live a curious life!!

But seriously,,

It's an issue of Circus Peanuts and the horror of candy snubbery!!


What?? This IS serious!! It's a tale of discrimination and loss.....

You see, now with Easter passing us by, candy snubbery is very evident. While Peeps have certainly set their spot as "the unofficial candy of Easter",, and those weird orange wrapped ploops of oddly textured peanut butter have taken over Halloween,,,, where does this leave our beloved pastel orange and monumentally fantastic Circus Peanuts??

...... Out in the cold harsh world of the "side aisle" at Walgreens, that's where...

....Right next to the toothpasty green gum drops (which coincidentally have NO gum in them) ,, hideous black licorish and those mints that old people have been hiding in their sweater pockets or plaid twill pants since 1902.

This is no place for such a confectionary marvel I say........ NO PLACE!!!! (I repeat, pummeling a table for added effect)

I can see this is not a battle you are prepared to wage at this time. Maybe you feel it's not relevant to your life right now and feel you can overlook it.

Well,,,, I say unto you:

HAVE YOU KICKED ANY BABY HARP SEALS LATELY???

Please,, wonderful friends,,, if YOU don't stand up for Circus Peanuts NOW,, where will all of the hard working Circus Peanut farmers go?

Are YOU prepared to take them in as they try and find jobs in the underworld?? The CHILD LABOR INFESTED PEEP FACTORY underworld??

Willst you,, annonymous seal hater, wipe their orange (but strangely, banana flavored) tears of sadness as they rock back and forth cursing at the loss of their precious Circus Peanut crops??

Behold,, shall you counsel them, night after night when they see children enjoying elephant shaped animal crackers and burst out in convulsions with seething memories of the fun they once freely GAVE to the world with their OWN home grown Circus themed celebratory treats?? (or charged .99 a bag for, but whatever)

I think not!

So I suggest to you now the creation of a new holiday that rightfully celebrates the majesty and beauty of the Circus Peanut!!

Who's with me??

And since I am breaking ground creating a new holiday that will certainly be so grand as to rival other great days of celebration such as: Groundhog day and Flag day....

I might as well make up some rules and traditions that will no doubt be cherished in your home for decades to come.

But not right now,, I feel you need some time to prepare yourselves for the regality that is:

CircusPeanutPalooza!!

Teaser: It starts with the World famous "Spangler Parade"!!!

You ready?

Saturday, April 23, 2011

An ODE to my Beaver....with pic....

I wanted to write an inspirational post today.

Something metaphysically advanced and chock full of educationally sound information that would give you the upper hand in conversations with rocket scientists and such. I do worry about you a lot and try to think of things that will enhance your daily living conditions (You're welcome).

But,,, I am laying in bed and could'nt help but to start admiring my Beaver.

I have had my Beaver all of my life and at one point it was getting constant attention, that's not the case at the moment.... But,,, it has had a lot of loving in it's 40 years of service to me and it is amazing how these things hold up so well (even after long periods of time "in the attic").

As a teen, I kept my fascination with it more secretive because I didn't want anyone to know how much attention I gave it, I couldn't seem to go a night without showing it some sweet sweet TLC, strange for that age I suppose.

To this day it is STILL pristeen (for it's advanced age)....... and it's floofy, WONDERFULLY FLOOFY....

Some people believe Beavers should NOT be floofy, maybe it's unattractive and hindersome to "Beaver" activity,, but I think mine is perfect JUST the way it is...

Fat and floofy and ready to be played with!

I LOVE my Beaver....and so should you....


I even feel so comfortable with you as my loving followers and friends that I decided to share a discreet picture of it with you today!
















.
.
.







The Invisible Seductress's Beaver!!
She's a BEAUTY!!!

As you can see it is VERY well kept and aside for a few emergency surgeries to re-attatch teeth/felt appendages and some missing whiskers, it is just like new and ready for action!!

What? REALLY????

You were thinking that I, purveyor of modesty and angelic behavior, would be posting about something else??


I am SHOCKED and flumblegusted by you!

Here I am, innocently sharing a treasure from my childhood with you, and you are thinking about a FLOOFY HOOHAW!!??

(Awkward pause)

(Cough)

FLUMBLEGUSTED I SAY!!

Sunday, April 17, 2011

Weird thoughts of an overactive mind..

I believe sometimes the bully is hurting more than the bullied.

I believe cotton candy would make a fabulous pillow, unless you drool a lot.

I believe the people who feel the weakest are almost always the strongest.

I believe that when I sing, my dad hears me in heaven.

I believe in blowing bubbles as therapy.

I believe a mason jar with holes poked in the top should be a kid's standard summer issue.

I believe today is the first day of the rest of my life, but if nothing great happens, obviously, tomorrow is the first day of the rest of my life.

I believe you can't cry with pop rocks bursting in your mouth.

I believe we should all wear a tool belt that has a can of Reddi-whip in it, if anyone looks sad, offer them a squirt straight in the mouth.

I believe stars sing, but only if the moon is in the mood.

I believe dodge ball is the meanest game in the world..... DUCK!!

I believe every huge oak tree should have a tire swing.

I believe there is a 2011 Chevrolet Camaro (Slate blue with black racing stripes on the hood and custom black leather interior, dual exhaust with a tag that says "try me") that is supposed to be mine. If you are currently driving it, please deliver it to me soon!!

I believe a picture is worth 1,ooo words, but 975 usually are best left unspoken.

I believe Lassie only saved Timmy from the well because Timmy was the one who fed her.

I believe all Oompa, Loompa's were originally from Jersey Shore.

I believe every time I hug someone, another hug is reserved for me when I need it.

I believe milk coming out of your nose from laughter is sexy.

I believe good guys always do finish last but only because they always stop to help.




I believe God counts our every tear and sheds one with us (yes, even cartoon Hippo tears!)


I believe blogging is addictive (twitching uncontrollably)

I believe just because an item says "one size fits all", "all" shouldn't try to fit into it.

I believe the word "EPIC" is an EPIC word.

I believe "Wise" is not a really good name for a potato chip (they really aren't that intuitive)

I believe roots are never square.

I believe those who need the most, also give the most.

I believe that I actually DO care if Jimmy cracks corn.

I believe my sparkles shine brighter when I smile.

I believe my dog knew me better than most humans do.

I believe the stairway to heaven is so long, it would be hell to really have to walk up it...but I can't wait to try!

I believe Jello contains healing properties.

I believe that money can't buy happiness, but it'd be fun to try.

I believe that Unicorns exist, but they are disguised as Ninja's during the day.




I believe the name "Funiuns" was a marketing ploy as I almost never categorize my time as "fun" if I eat them.

I believe Unicorn kisses taste like cherry.

I believe there is a Smurf Utopia and I want to wear white pants and live there.

I believe that when a squirrel initiates a staring contest with a human, he is saying "Yea, that's WHAT I THOUGHT PUNK!" after he wins and runs away.

I believe while driving on a rainy night, you should always swerve to miss the toads playing in the rain.

I believe Nuttella is a crappy imitation of chocolate.

I believe at least one of these touched you.

I believe in you.... and that I am a dork!


Thursday, April 14, 2011

This should'nt even BE a post!

Last night I took a journey. It was a short journey. It was a journey of discovery. A trek into the mind of a self proclaimed clutzy girl. A wonderfully insightful rendition of a college slapstick comedy minus the obligatory nudity and well timed farts.

I walked into my bathroom door.

A full on, dead stopped, collision with a door that perfectly blends in with the walls at night. (facepalm)

I never shut this door, but evidently, I did last night before laying down to rest my then un-bruised sweet seductress head to dream about the cast of glee morphing into evil gummy bears and taunting all of the now also morphed American Idol sour patch kid contestants by whipping them with extreme sour straws after sadistically placing them in gummy lifesaver handcuffs and showing them their Swedish Fish (es)... eeeep!

And of course, because I am devoid of sex, David Beckham was there to set the mood with his swanging licourice.

Is that even how you spell licourice? Licorice, lickorish,, I'd spell check but David Beckham's swanging licorice is monopolizing my brain *long sigh* droooooool...

Where was I?

I never realized that my head could actually bounce off a door like a defiant ping pong ball. It rocketed off that cruelly camo'd hollow core door so severely that I was knocked to the ground in a blur of sparkles and bad karma.

I laid there on the cold tile floor rubbing my head and wondering why... Just why?

But, as often happens to me, I was given a moment of wisdom and otherwordly recognition of the universe in a divine realization that I am making you lucky people privvy to.


I realized............


It's....... PEEPS SEASON BABY!!!!!

What were you expecting? Something all phillisophicalistical or sunthin'???

Well,,,, NOT IN PEEPS SEASON BABY!!

And then, to make this moment on that cold tile, with a throbbing head, stubbed toe and sense of PEEP entitlement even MORE of an epic life changing discovery..(if that's even possible!)..


I added a well timed fart and some obligatory nudity....

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Sunday, April 3, 2011

Another thought process happened.....

When did this happen?

Standing here chasing a steaming hot dog around a paper plate of questionable integrity, I evaluate myself.

Eat, Pray, Love is on in the background, my synopsis of this movie was, sadly, correct.

Are we to live our lives as if they were a movie? If so, which one would it be? I wonder which network they would agree to play mine on for the masses of people seeking clarity through entertainment.

The Lifetime Channel?

I can learn to overcome abuse, betrayal and settle with medocrity there. Let's teach out children to be ruthless in the business world to get ahead. When they realize that's not what they want, we can judge them.

We all say we want simple; fireflies and popsicle smiles, green grass tickling toes and invading picnic ants as distractions. But most of us remain unfulfilled, because we have never been taught how to be.

And who is to blame?

Perhaps the Halmark Channel would be a good fit for my story.

Romance makes everything play out on a softened canvas. The music stirs with each heatened breath, we dance on hope, twirling through time. Your eyes sparkle, until they don't, and I get up to change the channel, before it hurts.

I am trying to focus on the storyline with Julia in this movie.

The hot dogs have assumed the position and accepted my dominance. The children have eaten and my paper plate's integrity, has once again, somehow, eluded me and survived the meal unscathed.

I fade out, into questions again, sorry Julia.

The Travel Channel; that's it, that's where I would be found, at one with myself through adventure.

The only time I was out of the country I noticed the air was different, however, the people were the same, still lost in pursuit of something.

Foreign words buzzed around my ears like hummingbirds to a Hibiscus flower and I stood mesmerized by this, strangely in tune with unfamiliarity.

What would I uncover on a whirlwind documentary style trip?

Stained glass reflections on grand concrete floors lay as a delicate colored lace. The smells of exotic spices rise from a mud walled hut.

Like a can opener, travel is freeing the once tightly sealed tin of my imagination.

I feel the spray of water escaping the confines of an enchanted wishing fountain that seems a mile wide. It cascades in watery greens down walls lined with chiseled sculptures of the idealized male form.

Bikes with bells and flower filled baskets amble by, transporting smiles. The now warm coin, never leaves my grasp.

I am not worthy of this wish......... (yet).....

I want a spaghetti montage, in Italy, like Julia Roberts had!

Who doesn't?

Is this really my destiny, scraping by on prayers that seem to go unacknowledged, scared to give of myself because there is so little left?

When did this happen, I question again, when did I become so alone and such a hinderance? How did I become a shell of the person I want to be?

There is only one thing worse than being a shell of who you want to be..........Realizing it........

.....and trying to fill it to no avail......

So many of us are walking around oblivious to this, but, I have been living through them and that makes me even more oblivious.

I scan Facebook to see what everyone else is doing. I smile at their family life, happiness and adventures. I add my "status jokes" to let them know I am still alive, but just barely, and admitting that here, is therapy.

The "one days" and "once upon a times" in my life are many, only overshadowed by the "what ifs" and "I shoulds".

The chapters never seem to come full circle, my sunsets linger, refusing to accept my advances of "riding off" into them.

.... But I go on.. Undeterred..

.... Still searching..

.... And so will you..

.... Until we learn to be fulfilled within ourselves..

.... And with that, we will experience true happiness..

.... But maybe,, still wanting a "spaghetti eating movie montage" in Italy..

.... And that suits me just fine..

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Saturday, April 2, 2011

.......you have issues....or was that me???

I had forgot about this story. I guess that was a way of coping (ahem).

But now,,, I realize you NEED to hear this! "Why?", you ask as you knit Reggae type hats for your dancing Iguana named Shasta.

"Well", I say in my best Dr.Phil tone of understanding,,, you NEED entertainment,,, because you are,,, afterall,,, knitting reggae type hats for an Iguana you named after a failing soda brand.


...and you don't even OWN an Iguana do you?

Who's weird now???

Anyway......

Me and a friend were talking about my atrocity of a vehicle and how it is robbing me blind by getting 18 mpg and how I am spending $500 a month in gas because of my commute,,,
(Please take a moment to gasp here)...

When the subject of trading came to mention,,, I explained my financial dilema and we talked about the condition of the vehicle and a wreck that I had been in.

You wanna hear about it??? Of course you do!!! Here I go...

It all started while I was breaking the law... But not really,,, I just sound sexier and all dangerous-Seductress-like saying it that way,,, but I WAS driving when I wasn't really supposed to be,,, because I'm a rebel!!! ....(and un-questionably stupid)...

I had just gotten released from the hospital after a 10 day stay. I was on some drugs but nothing drastic. I felt fine and did not have a ride home so, I drove.

I was almost home when I realized I had phased out a bit and was being mesmorized by a pair of them there truck hitch "ball sacks"(Note: You have to say this out loud and a little rednecky or you will just not do this post justice).

They were moving so softly from side to side, hanging there all saggyliscous in nature, taunting me with the lack of cooth, one faded orange ball hanging a tad lower than the other....

......when the truck stopped suddenly.

The "amply balled" hitch, penetrated my front bumper with it's steely member,,, and my PT is now left with a permanent reminder,,, that I am easily distracted,,, by freakishly large balls, that wave innocently in the wind...

Good to know....

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Tuesday, March 29, 2011

I notice things....

I notice that the "weed" in my yard is the perfect shade of yellow that gradiates down into the center like a sunburst. I wonder,, if it had been found in a different time and place,, would it be as cherished as a rose?

I notice a little boy, with bright blue eyes, pulling on his mother's shirt to show her a picture he has drawn for her, but she is tied up in a conversation. I see his little face change from a bright light, to sadness. I wonder,, how many times have I missed my own children's excited tugs, while battling the worlds interuptions?

I notice the teenager with an overcontrolling boyfriend, pulling her away forcefully from her friends. I wonder,, did anyone take the time to tell her she is worth much more than that?

I notice the mom, pushing a shopping cart with children in tow, visibly worried about every item she places in an almost empty cart, watching the scanner and calculating it's damage, a prayer with every beep. I wonder,, do others notice me doing the same?

I see a dog, chained in a yard, surrounded by dirt, no shelter from the elements. He watches as another dog strolls by on a leash with a doting owner. I wonder,, does his heart sink with loss or is he contented to be a yard ornament?

I notice the business man, veins bursting, fist tightened as he drives his Mercedes and screams into the phone. I wonder, is the car worth the stress?

I notice my girls looking in the mirror at their bodies, questioning. I wonder, have my own insecurities jaded them already, or do I still have time?

I notice my comments when I tell bad jokes and long stories and you still read. I wonder, how did I get so lucky!

I notice the seed pods falling down from the trees like miniature helicopters in a botanical army and the dandelions sending out beautiful twirling ballerinas with every wisp of wind. I wonder, why did we ever have to grow up?
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