Sunday, June 5, 2011

This is a test of the emergency seductress system. Had this been an actual seduction, instructions would follow...

Seriously, I miss you guys! This cell writing is tough-but reading is even tougher! But I do read you all, but then commenting is hard. I miss this badly. But I do receive some questions and will now answer a few of them because I love you so... You feel it?? The love?? You feel it don't you? I can tell because your paw is tapping the ground when I rub behind your ear like this!!

Q: If you ever came face to face with an Invisible Seductress in her natural habitat, how would you attempt to woo her?

A: Although Invisible Seductress sightings ARE rare (as wild creatures cannot be tamed), there is a small chance that you may one day experience her lure and wile. This is even more intriguing if she has been recently sparkled. However, a word of caution is warranted here; you may find yourself inundated with giddy "Glee Episode" like joy and smarm, christened with excess sparkles and an uncontrollable longing to float in industrial sized green Jello vats on large pineapple rings (cut on the diagonal, of course!) Furthermore, you may also start to look at simple things in a completely new and delightful way. Circus Peanuts, for example, start radiating the warmth and fuzzy feelings of a childhood long past. In the canned meat aisle of your local grocery store, you may burst out singing the praises of Spam, (expertly accompanying yourself with the finely tuned instruments you created lovingly out of Sporks, road-found combs, partially used toilet paper tubes and a smattering of the beautiful light-amber colored Spam coagulant substance you have been saving at home,,,, (because it adds that "little something extra").

Note: The examples I have mentioned here are only a few of the "after effects" of a Seductress sighting, there would really need to be a personal empiricism to understand the gravity of the event, so I will move on to the next question.

Q: What would you do for a Klondike bar? (Please sing this question for your maximum enjoyment)

A: I feel this is an unfair question because you are not actually offering to bequeath to me a Klondike bar. You are in essence going to judge me on my dedication/willingess to perform grand actions of uncharacteristically bizarre or embarrassing feats to "sweeten the kitty" or be rewarded with a Klondike bar. I also feel the premise of the Klondike bar commercial is being misapprehanded here. Where the commercial offered positive and instantaneous Klondike bar gratification for an act that was completely "on the fly" or without premeditation, your question suggests that a totally different strategic position must surface. There would be much more time to conjure up a grandiose reaction thus ENSURING that the individual would demonstrate a much higher level of dedication and AUTOMATICALLY be gifted the Klondike bar in a much publicized reward ceremony. Furthermore, you,,, in a blatant defiant act of cruelness,,, do not even TRY to produce the mere "offer" or thereafter show the actual ability of delivering that sweet, sweet prize to me or another brave undertaker of the feat in question. So once again, as to not be tautological, I will move on to the next question.

Q: Your posts are very long, and as much as I love reading them, sometimesI have to skip through. Have you considered a less wordy way of writing posts?

A: Yes

Q: Seductress, why doest thou hold court alone? Surely with thoust divine beauty, supreme intelligence and "spot on" comedic timing,,,, along with being the most humblest Goddess of light and sparkle in the country,,,, surely you wouldst have daily lines of amazing suitors at your beck and call, Why doest thou dance as a half in a land of many wholes??

Note: Ok, so maybe I wrote this one, but surely thoust does wonder,,,, at least ONE of my royal court should step up "Batman villain style" and "riddle me this" by mentioning this daunting quandary of mine!! If not then they have not heardst the ruling put forth by the divine goddess of light and sparkle in reference to the beheading of any who scoff at my dating status,,, well,,, at least a public scoffing anyways.... And seriously, you have to admit: "Why doest thoust dance as half in a land of many wholes" really IS a great question!

A: I submit the following answerful for your perusal: Randomness.... I an VERY random. In my humor, in my quirkiness, in my clutzy endeavors to look suave in times of attraction to the opposite sex.

You want someone to flub a "come on line" --I'll do it! You want someone to humor you with jokes after I fall down a flight of stairs in front of you on the first date?--pick me! You swant someone who dances down the Cirxus Peanut aisle--*ooooh,ooooh *raising hand*

I guess when I was IN a relationship, I acted AS the relationship permitted. I was so lost in being everything that he needed (or so I thought) that I was scared to come out on my own. But now, I am a quintessential bit of weird and random and wondering if I even CAN fit into a "normal" relationship. Is it like the "riding a bike" thing? I hope not, because if it is, I would revert back into the girl who accepted being treated like an afterthought ALL of the time. So for the sake of logic, if men really DO want women to be organized and precise and are scared of a little whimsy and sparkles, I will submit the following formal resume for you to read at your leisure. Please suggest to me, in comment form, any changes that would need to be made in order to successfully complete the task at hand, which apparently, as stated above, is dancing on land as a whole.

My formal dating resume

The Invisible Seductress
Location:

Stuck in horse country where there really aren't handsome single horse tycoons walking around waiting to find me afterall.

Objective:

To build a meaningful stable relationship where my skills in sarcasm and seduction will be utilized to their fullest potential and a team environment thrives.

History:

Married too long to someone who couldn't care less about things.

Dated numerous men who were not able to stop dragging knuckles and stay erect, er, uh, I mean STAND ERECT (what were YOU thinking I meant? Geesh).

Skills:

Raising beautiful children on my own who are actually more mature than many of the men I have dated.

Can cook, clean, budget, bring home the bacon, fry it up in a pan, and never let you forget you're a man, cause I'm a woman! W--O--M--A--N...

.. and then say it again.....

Dang it, I just don't do "organized and precise" well at all do I??? I'm dooooooomed!!
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9 Seducing Deductions:

DCHY said...

Yup, you're totally done in for. ;)

mac said...

Doomed to a life of sparkly good looking ladiness !

That's terrible :-O

Sir Thomas said...

Good god I never should have left the east coast. I cannot believe how close we were. I always felt the pull but did not even know until now what I have missed...

xoxo

Ca88andra said...

The description of you in a relationship could have been of me in a relationship! Makes me sort of happy to be single, probably because I am afraid of becoming that woman again...

Mike said...

Hi Sedructress! Much love to you! I wish you well.

The Tame Lion said...

I can't be seduced by anything, except seduction... or Invisible Seductress. ;)

Powdered Toast Man said...

holy shit, you wrote all that on your phone? I can barely text a sentence without being frustrated.

Can we get a picture with your bio? Unicorns are asking.

Toyin O. said...

Great post:)

busana muslim said...

Thank you for posting this. It’s exactly what I was looking for!

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giggle, snort....and maybe she pees a little...but it's still cute....really...