Wednesday, December 30, 2009


I try to do something that makes me feel sexy everyday. I mean it's the least I can do for me right? So I paint piggies, dance, sing seductively with a hairbrush (shhh), try new shade of eyeliner, do my hair wild or just eat Circus Peanuts while laughing like a fiend (these were just tame examples, actual results may vary, activities may HAVE been changed to protect the innocent).

The other day I was bathin' it. Hot baths are a luxury as a single mom. They are NEVER alone or SEXY, but I was trying damn hard to zone into the little vixen hiding under the layers of mom.

The stillness of the water was soothing me as the perfectly timed drops of heat sang a sultry serenade advancing my relaxation.

...........shuffle.......crack........door opens...........

"Hi Mom!!!!!" DramaGirl squeaked as she backed her ass up to the lavatory furniture.

"Whatchya doin'?" the big brown eyes questioned angelically.

"Well, guess I am bathing, ya think?" I said full of love and NOT feeling sexy.

"Guess so"..... Laugh

I don't know for sure WHAT THE HALIBUT stops them from going to the other restroom????!!!!! I mean my mansion is sprawled and all but you don't exactly need a golf cart to get there. Don't they want privacy?????

....... Fart..... Plop...... plop........guessing not........

"Sorry mom, I farted" ...giggle

" I heard, Drama, could ya, uh,, hit the fan next time?? Sitting in your butt funk disturbs me a little from my bath" I retorted wittily and over her head.

"How do I get that 5th grader to love me mom?" She said with audible concern. "He doesn't even know I am alive mom!!"

"Well, I am SURE he KNOWS you are ALIVE Drama,, he just doesn't care cause he's stupid" My wise words permeated the air.

....... Riiiiiiiiip....... laugh..............more butt funk...............

"It's my beauty mark,” She states hanging quotations in the air "I hate it!!"

"But, I have one and I love it, don't you think mine is pretty?" I ask sweetly trying to finally break the "I hate my beauty mark" wall.

"Not to offend you mom, but no, it's a DOT!!!!" Wipes ass and starts to exit.

"Flush it and hit the fan, DramaGirl"...........

"I feel dotted"..... Sighing

........ Nothing like having a punctuation mark on your face to feel sexy! Let me finish that sentence for you RIGHT now!!!

You're welcome!!!

Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Contemplations of 2010

Christmas is over - I'm over it! I know that may sound bitter but, it's really not. This will be kind of my own sounding board post. Sometimes you gotta kick yourself in the ass, and anyone else ready to assume the position, I have a kick for you too.

Normally I am a "Christmas is gone Jan 2" gal. Not this year. I have bagged the tree, stuffed the stockings away, pilfered the garlands -AND- I threw the offending lighted Angel's ass sans-wings on a flight path of doom.

2009 was a bad year- I could complain - it was a sludge year full of my own battles. And yet, I look at my children-unscathed from my plights up to this point. With that I can feel accomplished. They remain healthy happy feisty and just a tad more aggravating than the average bears (fabulous!).

You see it's like this: if you get a puppy keep banishing the puppy to a corner - sooner or later that puppy will stop trying to escape that corner and reside to it. He'll sit shaking, peeing and clinging onto himself. One day he may attack. I have been that puppy this year. I have allowed myself to be put in this corner (wearing depends-ha) and residing there in existence.

It was a matter of appearance. If I did not let you know I was in pain, maybe I wasn't. If I laughed instead of crying, maybe there was nothing TO cry about. Hide your fears and play out the fantasy a bit more -J- that's BRILLIANT!! Yes, but that IS existence and I DID exist this year. ---And--- I was a master of this illusion (David Blaine is duct taped to my closet wall, no you can't have him, he is meditating).

There are all kinds of illusions being played out around us:

"happy" marriages
financial instability
medical revelations

You name it, it's out there and probably happening to someone you think you know. As sad as that is, when is the last time you took a full one-on-one with your loved ones or friends you might not see too often. A quickie call or email or the great modern text can not show the picture of what is really going on. You got them cashmere socks this year,, didn't help. But, you do mean well and try to be in the know. Isn't it worth a trip, a lunch or a walk on the beach to be certain they know you are there (taking my own advice, maybe I should share more).

.....Or could their demons be too real for you, maybe it's easier just thinking everything is OK and not knowing their proximity to "the edge".

I know this because I am a walking example of the "every thing's OK" movement. It's not, BUT,,,, IT WILL BE and I have found my voice and am stronger than I ever knew (and getting HOTTER everyday (sizzle), well with global warming,, we all are,,wink).

Take the time to take care of your loved ones.


Let's just take the time to REALLY take care of ourselves this year.

You are worth the effort!

Love life, love you and love them------often.

....stepping off soapbox.....kicking it away.......

Saturday, December 26, 2009

....and the presents were hidden under 100's of balloons!

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I knew the night before Christmas was gonna BLOW!!!!!!!!! My living room was filled knee high in balloons!!!! I did not know I was sooo full of hot air (silence I beg of you!).. All different shapes and sizes covered up the gifts!!! It was a popping good time!!!!

Thank you to everyone who made this years Christmas memories possible. The love that was shown brings me to tears. My kids were none the wiser that Santa came in a different and unexpected form this year. It was the most precious form he could have arrived in, eyes glowing and not expecting anything in return. Looking after a small posse of kids who deserved a break after a long year and a sick mom who had no clue how to make that happen! Without asking he made a trip to my house and heart. Those responsible for giving him directions and suggestions (wink) will be thanked as best as I can as soon as I can!! I love you all and for now hope these smiles and words bring Holiday joy to you

Thursday, December 24, 2009

A Very Christmas Duping Charlie Brown

We were pretty poor growing up and yet my parental units always tried to make holidays a grand event. Some years were better than others and when they could they did spoil us (of course with me being such a wonderful perfect child, how could they resist?).

One year we were told we weren't getting anything. It was just too rough a year to spend frivolously on wants when we had needs. I was always very understanding to this as my kids are now. If you raise them openly talking about things it returns in understanding.

But still that is no fun!!!!!!

So that year my dad asked if we still wanted to open presents, even if they were not new? We were confused until he explained the rules. They would go in our rooms and take things that we already had. Then wrap them and put them under the tree (wait, it gets better). Then we would have to guess what was missing. (see,,, a lesson in: love what you haveology). So that's what happened. Our rooms were ransacked and toys were maliciously stolen.

Wanna hear the rest??? Of course you do!! here I go:

There were about 10 presents for each of us by the tree. Under thorough examination in my room, I guessed almost all of the missing items correctly (guess I'm anal like that! Hush yo mouth!). We had to then guess from size and shape and shake which present under the tree was the one taken from our rooms. This was trickier but I thought I had it. My first stolen item present was a monkey stuffed animal. I found a package around the same size and shape and determined that was MY monkey. Opening it I was startled, it was not MY monkey but a NEW monkey puppet, his face was so real I jumped back 50 feet screaming.

My parents had duped us! All the presents under the tree were new! I later found out that they had to smuggle the new presents in through the back window. I relish that memory and the thought that went with it. The game factor really made it special for us and that is what growing up is all about. Little memories with grand impact on your life. That was also "Make-up Tin" Christmas year (The official start of all the divalisciousness that I am today, snap in a circle, ya-huh)

When I can, I do a Christmas string....A tag under the tree attached to a string reads:

Hello I am a "Christmas string" attached you'll find a Christmas thing! Follow me and you will see, just how fun Christmas can be!!!!

I wrap this string around everything I can and in every room. Sometimes there are skips of string and notes to pick up the trail. It ends with a "Family Fun" gift like a bowling night, trip, game or books. One year bikes were at the end. Just something a little different.

This year I have bought bags of huge multi-colored balloons and am going to fill the whole living room with them covering the presents and hopefully adding a bit of fun to bopping them around to find things (I will let you know how that works out, tonight will BLOW!!!!!).

I want Christmas to be special for my kids and everyone around me so today I will smile and present a Christmas cheer ditty to anyone who darest cross my seasonally happy ass!!

Starting with you!!!!!


..........AND TO ALL...................


(Santa loves them!!! He is over the cookie jig people, get with the times!!!)

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

.....and then she said what?????

I realize in telling this story I jeopardize the very intelligence that draws you into my blog (My keen sense of street smarts and savvy, suave sensuality is bound to keep you here though, aha-ha,,, ye-a, not supposed to be funny).

In driving around town I was neglecting my little beeping gas pump light thingie. It kept warning me of my ultimate demise and I kept shrugging in the face of danger (AHA! Danger!! How darest you face me).

Well it finally caught up with me. Stupid girl was trying to make it to the gas station and had just pulled into the lot when her car died. No matter how hard I lunged forward and back with the proven swing-set inertia motion, it was to no avail. This happened a car length away from the pump. I had to leave my car flashers blinking (she's dumb,, BLINK,, she's dumb,, BLINK,, she's dumb,, BLINK....).

I walked into a packed line and waited patiently for the two girls behind the counter. They served customers diligently although mechanical and dry in delivery. I bee-bopped up and asked for a gas can in a very sweet voice explaining my plight.

Then SHE said looking at her cohort: "We don't have gas cans layn' around, you need to buy one" piercing me with her coldness and kicking me with the cruelty of her tone.

I had to cock my head like a puppy hearing a screechy noise because I SAW a gas tank right behind her.

"Really" I said masking my sarcasm "that's all you two lovely Santa hat wearing agents can offer a weary traveler?" giving the sad eye.

and SHE said: "this line is for paying customers ma'am".

"Well,, I will BE a PAYING customer in a few minutes-----gas in a can, in my car, kinda WHY I'm here!" I said again masking my anger. "Let me speak with your manager, please".

She gets on the phone complaining about me. I hear her say "really" and he comes around the corner giving her the stink eye. Hands me the tank with a wink to which I reply in my best sarcastic drawl:

"OMG!!!!!-It was RIGHT behind you, like the WHOLE time----how funny----and-------- (adding in laughter for a sarcasm bite)----EMBARRASSING------- for you BOTH!!"

Walking off I knew I would have to face them again. My little mind chirped with anticipation of that conversation, but I had other matters to deal with.

PT Reindeer needed saving and I was just the one to nourish it. But before I did, a man ran up to help me. I thought "wow I must look cute" and flipped my hair, but he wanted money.

.......So I then felt ugly, stupid and angry at the register Santa's. Luckily the manager came and apologized and took the can from me or else I' don't wanna know.....

Sunday, December 20, 2009

Falling for you

When I fall,,, I never look like this:

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I was walking out of my bedroom humming "Santa Baby" when I stepped on the neatly protruding comforter triangle thingie-jigger with my right foot. I tripped over the neatly protruding comforter thingie-jigger with my left foot (moms always say: make your bed, make your bed, make your bed....hmmmpf, because my bed WAS made,,, I could have DIED!!!!!!!). I flew up in the air and had one of those slow motion "this is gonna hurt" realizations, landing directly on my bad knee with a "WOMP" (Rock stars and Superheros always have a bad knee,,,,recognize!!!!). I think there was a curse word or ten uttered (but in a angelic lady-like way).

I am lucky to be alive. The amount of "klutzy" racing through my blood stream is in epic proportions. I decided long ago to donate my body to science to help aid in the study of the genetic codes responsible for determining the "clumsy" percentages in each human being. Ultimately I will be a key source of research in rendering a cure to our societies gangly future (oh and also to donate my killer set of pinkie toes to some lucky toe transplant recipient person, they are fabulooooooouuuuuus!!!!) .

As I fetal positioned myself on the floor I thought of some of the accidents I have had (and also of the "Life Alert" necklace, which in my opinion, they really should BeDazzle).

My first cast experience was in the 1st grade. My teacher was Ms. Fawcett. I remember thinking it was so cool that people wanted to sign my cast. This properly prepared me for my days now in the paparazzi spot light. Things happen for a reason. I received that injury by playing Tarzan with my brother. We were to jump off the front steps while doing "the scream" (for your intense interactive blog enjoyment, insert your best Tarzan scream here: {{{{{{{---}}}}}}} ). Girls were not supposed to be Tarzan. My brother was angry that I was cool enough to pull it off. I was cool enough to pull it off for about one try.

We were jumping on the trampoline to the song "My Baby". Apparently my trajectory was off. I bounced right off the tramp and onto the ground. I was the new kid at school and now I was on crutches. But the hottest boy in school was on them too and he sat next to me on the cripple seat of the bus, our crutches to the side, in perfect broke leg harmony.

My dad loved to skate. He could fly around the ring like a spider monkey stealing quarters. I was very good at straight lines and improperly using the carpeted wall to stop myself. The referee looked like a toffee bar- saweeeeet. I loved him (guys who skate are hot,,wink). Star Wars had just been released and the craze was on. The DJ put on the theme song and my heart sang with happiness. I drove my clanky little body to the height of speed. I am quite sure I blurred as I skated pass the referee. As I impressed all who were around me, I neglected the end of the skate floor. This caused a full force body slamming into the wall breaking my arm. I KNOW the referee loved me.

Wanna know how I know?? Of course you do!! Here I go:

He picked me up and carried me to my dad. I hurt my ARM people-----not my LEG----helllooooooo-----LOOOOOOVE----he carried me!!!-----he loved me!!! SIGH

I was dressed in a pleated plaid skirt with matching vest and shirt. I had dress socks up to my knees and a good pair of shoes on. It was picture day. My hair was straight and black and past my rear. This was a good day to play football with the boys. So I did. I played hard and mean. My brother was also playing. Then my friend Tony tackled me. I heard my collarbone crunch into my neck. I think I was in shock, not crying, just getting up to leave when the boys made fun of me. None of them knew my collarbone was sticking out of my neck. They made more wise cracks and I remember turning and screaming F U on the grounds of my Christian school. That story was like playground YouTube without the video-the whole school heard about it.. My brother beat Tony up.

One winter day I was getting off the bus when the driver decided to DRIVE OFF before I stepped off the last step. This caused me to break my ankle and drop all my books around me. I was embarrassed so when he asked if I was OK, I said yes and waved him on. I sat on a little patch of gravel in pain and wondering how I would make it home. My crush, a senior boy with a car (gasp) drove by and then came back. He had a red convertible and curly brown hair. His Letterman jacket looked warm and I was frothy at the sight of him. He picked me up, put me in his car and drove me home. I loved him. At school we never talked about it but he always touched my arm and asked me how I was. This always sent little shivers up my little spine.

Well these are just a few ankle and wrist injuries I have had. There have been many more but I feel you have shared (laughed at) my pain sufficiently. Someday I will tell you about kicking things and walking into walls.

Friday, December 18, 2009

Zoom Zoom

I've always been a car freak. No, I have never worked on them. I just really respect the lines of a well-designed sports car. Hearing the purr of an exotic or the rumble of a modified always makes me smile. I am not a "make" snob. I like many makes and years.

We just got a new auto showroom here in good ole' "SlOcala" not to long ago. Mopar on display. Drive by droolings.

Over the years I have loved a few odd choices - primo restored El Camino's - Opal's - fastback Mustangs (smile).

Never had the opportunity to HAVE what I would consider a dream car. Not that all of them are expensive, my taste is varied, but all impractical to the situation (and you know how level headed I am,, wink. hush now, eat a pickle!).

You read about my first "baby" a few days back. I loved that Thunderbird but it was my second car that started the fetish.

The Thunderbird had the power- the 1990 Ford Probe had the looks.

She was charcoal grey with flecks of silver. I paid to have a nice streamlined spoiler added and a thin line of red pin striping laid down the side. The stereo was upgraded and screamed the best of AC/DC and thumped a little DJ Jazzy Jeff and Salt -n- Peppa, "pushin' it" for performance sake. She was a lot like me:

She looked A LOT faster than she was.

We got stopped and let go many a time. Sitting still we still were in motion.

Then I got married. Her status changed a bit and we rolled into "good" vehicle choices.

We then found and fell under the spell of an Audi A8. To this day the memory of THAT car still moves me.

I have NOT been able to find a pearl colored paint job that was as divine as the one on my Audi (Cadillac's version of pearl comes close). This car shined with elegance and lent me to a false regal air. Black leather interior and chrome meant that it got the looks of many. It wasn't new, didn't need to be, it was gorgeously designed. We kept her as long as we could until the thought of repair and no available parts took over.

Off to mini-van world...cough...choke.... I just threw up a little in my mouth.....

Months ago I followed a slate blue Ford Mustang Cobra with charcoal racing stripes and chrome underpants. Drooling, I wondered when mine would be delivered and grunted like a fool. As always I wondered who was driving it. A bony hand stuck out of a crack in the window to flick a cigarette at my windshield. Toxins that would never leave this beautiful creation were defiling the interior.

I have a fascination with Chargers and Mustangs and a cheesy Firebird. I also sport a reverent love for the Corvette.

It was sitting on top of a platform, an orgasm on wheels. Its tapered lines were perfectly shadowed and dripping with strength. It sat low and lean, hugging the ground like a Cheetah on the prowl:

A rust colored new model Corvette SE.

"Again with the grunting,” my eldest pointed out "that's just weird!”

But I knew it was grunt-worthy.

On another stand:

A 2010 Chevy Camaro.

It's grille dark and sexy, it's stance thick with an upturned back end. Chromed out wheels turn toward me beckoning me to drive it--fast. But I sit in my PT Cruiser Reindeer in financial defiance.

Of course there are the exotic cars that make me sit and cross leg upon viewing.

Ferrari F-50-Quattro's-Lambo's-Lotus-Tesla-Pantera-Aston's-Maserati's and the like.

A car is a sexual experience if designed right.

A mini-van voids all sexuality if you let it.

I was forced to buy a mini-van (before the PT) after my SUV was wrecked. It was practical for me but I cringed at the thought. The sales men relished at the opportunity to rag on me about my rampant dislike for the term "Soccer mom". My kids allowed me to test drive a yellow Cobra Convertible and helped me by saying:

"You'd get a date if you had THIS car mom!!!"

This was of course spoken in front of about 6 of the young sales hyenas.

Truth is, I don't need a damn car to get a nice date. I need a miracle-don't get it twisted!!

As I drove out of the parking lot with my white no frills mini-van, windows down hair blowing a bit, a sales man screamed "Soccer mom" at the top of his lungs. If security was female they would have understood that a groin paint balling stint was the next chronological step for me,, but whateva'.

ALAS my friends--It comes down to this:

I think "Soccer mom's" are UBER-HOT!!

In fact,,, I'll have you know I sleep with one every night!


I sleep AS one every night!

Thursday, December 17, 2009

Fringed leather - rock and roll - and a SNAKE???

I am wearing a Cowboys football jersey as a nightshirt. My fingernails and piggie toes are painted the same color blue as in the jersey (not by a conscience decision,, this time). My hair is a bit spiky and wild. My eyelids always have just the right shade of eyeshadow and a glint of sexy sparkle magic on them. The accessories I sport are trendy (cheap, but they look good). You could say I don't LOOK my age. I feel YOUNG. HIP. RELEVANT...(cough)


-----I realized last night that I have grown a fascination for John Mayer. I decided that him hanging in my stocking might make me smile (his music, not his being. Seriously guys, if your heads are gonna be in the gutter all the time like mine, we need to meet up!!! NUM--- John Mayer!!!).

This recent discovery comes as a shock to me, the self described little rocker chic from the 80's.

80's FLASHBACK!!!!! Rock stars we were!!!! Spent that night flirting with the carnies to stay on the coasters longer and get free stuffed animals and funnel cakes. Spent the next morning throwing up Waffle House fare ( I believe the hash browns were smothered, covered and chunked,, I knew you were curious,, you're welcome!!).

(stop laughing).......(really).......(I get it, enough).....(geeze).....

The Seether - Staind - Disturbed - Stonesour - Evanessence - STP - Fuel - Mettallica - Linkin Park - Finger 11 - Nickelback....etc...etc..... loving gal is amazed that a soft singing dude caught her attention. I even have bobbed my head and sang along a time or two.

But this is not the first time I have side stepped my long traveled rocker path.

That baby-faced crooner Michael Buble caught my attention for a while. He may still have a little corner on my market.

Dave Matthews for about 2 minutes, but I think I was drunk and lonely.

I even had a stint with Jack Johnson's "Banana Pancakes" CD until Angus Young came and asked "Can I sit next to you girl?" (a little AC/DC never hurt anyone).

So I guess we can adapt ourselves to growing a little mellow. I don't think I will ever fully leave my hard guitar pounding roots. But a diversion from time to time sounds OK. I won't let it age me.

..........walking into living room to turn off Jessica Simpson's Christmas album....It's too soon.... I'm not ready yet.....

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

It's laughable

Things that made me laugh recently!!!

Brought to you by a grant from:

The Mt. Olive Pickle Company


The Letters


*******There was a tag hanging prominently off a machine that was attached to my being at the hospital.

It was bright yellow and read:


- I don't know what that meant but I kept wishing I had a sharpie.

-Then I could change it to:


-And laugh every time I saw it.

*******My daughter has asked me if there is some rule that states "Ambulance" guys must be "hot". She vocalized that if I were to need an ambulance again I should make sure that she was there and looked good.

*******When my daughters came to release me from the hospital, a young male nurse was discharging me. I asked him a question about my incision and he wanted to see it again. We went behind the curtain leaving my daughters to giggle in the aftermath. When we emerged, the nurse left and DramaGirl said:

"You got to go behind a curtain with HIM!!! COOOOOOOOL!!!!!"

*******My son was in trouble for incessantly flushing the toilet. He later asked me in a baby sweet voice:

"Are you MAD at me, mommy?"

"You shouldn't flush the toilet without mommy". I said sternly with the proper amount of mommy finesse.

His brown eyes glimmered as he spoke the following affirmation to effective TV advertising:

"Don't be MAD mommy!! Get GLAD!!"

*******One of the ER guys had the job of outfitting me with EKG stickers. He was young and a little nervous. I was fantastic. He tried to place a sticker tab under my breast. My hands were being searched and IV'd so I couldn't help (-blush-). The sticker kept getting affixed on the underside my breast. Three tries and there was success. But not before sticking and re-sticking and leaving sticker residue junk in it's wake. My breast is still sticking to my chest.

*******I bought bread unaware that I already had a new loaf and there were 3 in the freezer. I pointed this out innocently for a gratuitous "spawn-laugh" at my expense. I got this retort:

"Mom's doing some HEAVY cooking again!!!"

*******Went to the store and saw a lady drop a box of crackers. She kicked it 2 times trying to pick it up. This sent it through the aisle like a hockey puck before she finally retrieved it.

*******I saw a dog wearing a "Snuggie" while being walked. I visualized the whole family in their own respective "Snuggie" cocoons. I mean are you really that retarded that you can't function with a regular blanket. Are you REALLY that freaking cold??? What about a robe???? Do you think the inventor of the robe is feeling slighted about his accomplishments?? I mean at least HIS solution gave you a waist!!!! What will happen if all blankets are phased out and we are all FORCED into fashionable "Snuggie" HELL?????!!!!!

I will start a "Blanket Dexterity 101" course and stop this in its vicious tracks. This will also further my multi-millionaire status and bring me closer to my goal of "World Circus Peanut Domination".

Sign up in the comment section for the class.......

*******Bought kids Cocoa Chex mix as a Christmas movie-watching treat. Let them dish their own out. "One big handful in a cup" I said. Received 3 squeaky little "OK" mom replies.

Wanted a snack tonight. Cocoa Chex mix -- just a bit. Bag felt about right after their dishing. Pour onto plate -- NOTHING but Wheat Chex. Damn it. Fold bag put away.

*******I needed undies after a nice hot shower. Nothing in undie drawer except a rogue robe belt and a lonely sock. I had just done a large load. I am saved. Nice hot undies! But the dryer is from hell. It is a stackable and I can hardly reach the clothes. Open door. A sock dives to its death. A bra follows suit and hangs itself from the lint trap. I dig in. Spiderman briefs size 3T, hmm, not tonight. Ooooooh, I see black satin! My lacies, wore them a few nights back to feel sexy. Pulled them out of my ass all night, balled them up and threw them from the bed. NOPE.... There ---- I see my pattern ---- Hanes sigma 2009 -- DramaGirls -- (WHAT THE HALIBUT possessed me to buy the SAME pattern for her???) ---- Spin basin with a grunt --- Clothes snowglobe --- festive --- reeeeeeeeeeeach --- THERE IN THE BACK!!!!!! Fruit of the Loom Goodness --- peach --- taunting me --- top right hand side --- can't reach --- spin -- grunt --- top left hand side --- damn it --- get stool --- instant access --- I'm a moron!!! Should have thought of that 30 mins. ago --- Slip on warm panties --- Next challenge please ---

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

Captured on film!!!!! (plus small health update)

I don't know when it happened, my girls turning into narcissistic picture divas that is. But every time they are alone with my phone I inherit a modeling photo series. I left them in the car the other day to run in and get paper towels. I found the following series of photo's from MsDebate:

This is EXTREMELY funny because she is covering her top lip in EVERY photo. Why?? Because she has a HA-UGE-ass pimple there! But it was still important to model that day because her eyes look fierce!

I also get these types of pictures alot. One narcissistic child taunting the other in the back ground. Sadly they are unaware of this behavior, sadly I don't discourage it for my own selfish entertainment purposes:

I can't leave out DramaGirl's poses. She really works a camera! This one was around Halloween time. Notice the intensity of her paw:

Hoover gets modeling pictures taken without invite. Because come on people, look at THAT mug it needs to be recorded:

I AM in SOOOOOOO much trouble with them!!! TOTALLY worth it,, Don't ya think????

On a side note:

My last post was very depressing. I apologize for that and thank you for the concern and blog love!!!! Directly after writing it I started feeling very ill. I decided I needed to eat Jello because Jello heals all. I wobbled to the kitchen got my strawberry Jello and a spoon thinking; "get to the couch". I didn't. My kids found me and called 911. I was in the ICU until late yesterday. I am at home recovering with loads of antibiotics and Circus Peanuts.

But now there is another more severe issue. Christmas is fastly approaching.

When I saw my girls they worriedly embraced me and sensitively asked how I was doing. We spent time recapping events of that horrible night and laughing at the Jello spillage. Then it happened. It was only a matter of time before it would. My intelligent children had formulated a conclusion and concocted a plan. It was one very simple statement.

DramaGirl and MsDebate in unison: "Mom, we want a (insert expensive POS here) for Christmas."

Me, groggily "That's pretty expensive girls"

.....................PAUSE FOR PERFECT COMEDIC TIMING AND PRESENTATION..........................

"But Mom,,,,,,,,,,,WE DID SAVE YOUR LIFE!!!!"

................tween laughterfest....................................................................................................................


Confession (long and not happy)

I try to be the best I can be. I give when I don’t have. I encourage when I need it most. When will this diligence pay off?
I thrive on laughter and maintain a happy persona. But, it is facade. I live through humor and the light I see in others. It has been this way for quite some time. The sparkles, diva hair and witty responses hide a world of pain.

I had been working through physical pain for so long last year and this. Not sleeping but not having the time to stop working or not take care of my kids. Self medicating, I managed to get my self up to 42 sleeping pills a night. The pain and the long nights didn’t subside with my “self fix”. It was Tylenol PM and it owned me now. It was ravaging my liver and other organs. Still I worked through with my normalcy of one liners and bad dancing moves.

In April, on the 2nd, I got laid off due to a declining market (April 1st would have worked better for this story, but they suck). My pain grew worse and by May was intolerable- I had to suck it up and be sick, my stool had turned paper white and bloody. Eating was torture. Moving unbearable. Driving dangerous. My Gallbladder had erupted in disease and was damaging everything else around it. My liver function was horrid. The surgeries started and have not ended. There have been major infections and duct collapses. I have been very sick, but again I try not to show it. I have done the best that I can to maintain smiles and the “everything is OK fa├žade”. I am sorry for the misleading nature I feel now.

I had already been in financial hardship when this started. Now my house is in foreclosure and I await the knock of the UPS guy every day. I am somehow keeping the car payment a float through my situation but when will that end? My house is falling apart. I toss utility payments in the air and pay the ones that I think I couldn’t tolerate living without. Sometimes it feels like camping, but with no beer and songs.

This writing has saved me. If I think that one person is reading these stories and laughing, it energizes me. It is therapy. I feel embarrassed coming clean here. There are readers I will definitely wish didn’t see this part of me (mom-my sitter-Superfly-the positive blogs I follow),…..but, tonight, I have no other outlet.

I had been hooked up to a machine and in pain until Friday. The home nurse came to help. I dealt with the pain hopeful the incision and infection would benefit. I thought it had. I was free from the machine!!! (I had no strings to hold me down!! I was a real girl!!)

Until this afternoon. The incision and drainage tube gushed infection. The pain riled up. It increased to the max when I got my girls from school. It hurts to sit, it hurts to stand, it hurts to lay. I sit here shaking and crying with a temp of 102- determined not to arise my kids and do the “I need help dance”. I need a tickle or ten in the morning. I will doll my self up, and drop my kids off and make another lonely journey to the hospital wishing to be humanely euthanized!

Life is comic genius!!!!!

I write the next blog for therapy! I will not correct grammar. smile

I am Hyptnotizing You!!!!


--------You will feel happy and contented always--------You will feel blessed even on bad days---------You will buy Circus Peanuts and eat them with reckless abandon----------You will smile at strangers--------You will dance in your car -------------You will say "WHAT THE HALIBUT!!!" just for fun!----------You will want to buy mascara--but don't--you may be a guy--and that's just weird!!---------You will feel inclined to tell stupid jokes in my honor-------------You will hug your kid so tight they question your sanity---------------------------

-----------------Today will be an excellent day!!-------------------


But most importantly PLEASE do something for me as soon as possible:

Please give of yourself

There are children who don't have a tree or presents under it

There are older people that are alone and cold

There are animals who need a home and still have so much love

There are kids who just need a great role model

There are houses falling apart and people unable to repair them

There are families praying for a blanket and a meal

Someone just needs a smile and a kind word today

Someone needs to be complimented

Call someone and say "I love you! Couldn't do this without you!"

Buy a burger for that homeless guy you pass everyday-don't judge

Stop and help that lady with her car, if it were me, I'd be alone and nervous

Yes---You DO have jumper cables---make the time

You are the best gift someone could receive!!


It's so easy, really!!!!!!

Perhaps I need to take a journey back, to the last truly wonderful dating experience I had. I must dissect it and analyze it's core properties.........But HOLY HALIBUT, it was a long ways back and time travel is so expensive and hard on your body!!!!

There is also the fact that every time I start to think about dating an involuntary twitch starts in my neck (sexy little things like this encompass my being, yes, you may fantasize about me for,, 10,,9,,8,,7,,6,,5,,4,,3,,STOP!!!! You're welcome!).

The married people I know are jealous of my freedom. They say they are happy but long for the excitement of the hunt. I tell them it's been like picking up after a dog. You love the dog but every time you pick up it's scat you wish it weren't there.

I've heard that men are like parking spots:

The good ones are taken and the rest are handicapped!!!!

I don't really think this is true.

I am sure that good available men and women are everywhere.
Good men are hiding.

Where are the men?

In sport equipment stores?
At gyms? (wink, slight secret code msg to someone)
At Home depot in the Dremel aisle?
Eating wings at a dive?
At the lake fishing?
At a blind hunting?
A corner bookstore?
A pet store with their fur buddy?
Circus Peanut conventions? (shiver)

And then there are the Geico Caveman!!!! Where are they???? I have been hunting them since day one to hug their scruffiness, sigh {{{{{{{call me}}}}}}}}}}.

Oh wait!!!! They HAVE been calling me!!!!! sigh!!!!!

I have taken a completely laid back approach to finding someone. I have a few interested parties texting and calling and trying to control me, so I abstain from them. I do not wish to be owned at this time. Rented maybe, completely owned this early in, no thanks. I have things I want to do and I hope my partner will too, then we can have US things.

So if you are texting me like I owe you 10 back, get over it, it's not gonna happen.

The following text sequence happened in a 10 minute span-----seriously-----really-----it did!!!!!!

"Helllloooooo????"--"anybody there????"--"What u doing????"--"Guess you are busy????"--

"Why don't you text me????"--"Haven't heard from you!!!!"----------------------------------------

-------------------{{{{{{{PHONE RINGS}}}}}}}}----------------message tone------{{{{{{{{PHONE

RINGS}}}}}}}}------------------------message tone-----------------------------------------------------

--"I just called you"--"You OK???"--"Left u a MSG"------------------------------"call me"---------

I wasn't ignoring him UNTIL it became obvious he wouldn't LET me ignore him. I was just busy with life.

A life I will enjoy to the fullest dancing happy little jigs.

Wanna come along???????


Monday, December 7, 2009

Hot Dogs and Slim Jims!!!!

I have several handicaps. You might as well know them so that some of my antics make sense in this very logical world.

Let me be totally "PC" when I say that: I am severely "Directionally Impaired".

I know you are concerned about me and want to understand this mental condition, so I will explain it to you.

If there is a way to take the wrong turn or veer off onto an obscure- State Road-County Road-Y
our just screwed Road- I will make that vehicular steering adjustment. If the trip is supposed to take an hour - I will take 2 hours. If you say right: I will go left (unless you say turn next to the Sephora Make-up emporium of happiness- I will find that one EVERY time- just thought you should know, I have an internal mascara and lip gloss GPS system).

I learned how to drive late in life. My very first driving lesson was with 3 cute boys and a fidgety Drivers Ed teacher who wanted a hot dog. I could not let on that I had never driven before in case I were to romantically conquer one of the boys or the teacher (kidding, his orientation was question
able, but choice in hot dog condiments - spot on!). Two minutes into the journey he said sternly "This is your FIRST time driving isn't it?" I had been busted, the laughter ensued. He did not let me drive again. I think he enjoyed life and hot dogs too much for the gamble.

I had more money th
an driving skills when I decided to buy my first car. I was working at a Credit Union making really good money and receiving roses, beer and romantic cards through the drive-in window. The beer came just as my 102-year-old Branch Manager walked by. It was sent as a joke and somehow the air in the tube was strong enough to send it through. The accompanied "WOMP" at its arrival had everyone turn to face me. The cute construction boys flirting with me had left laughing hysterically, leaving the guilty look on the face of an old man who was next in line. Mrs. Opal Jay was not impressed with the alcohol offering, I was 18, I WAS impressed with the humor and sad the beer was confiscated (TOTAL diversion of story, I am sorry, back on task .....1..2...3...... NOW!!!!!!).

I took my dad with me to look at cars for the first time. He would have to cosign. I saw a car and a salesman I wanted promptly after arriving. Under heavens glow sat an '86 Toyota Forerunner. It was jacked up and beautiful. Tan leath
er interior, running boards and KC lights with smiley yellow covers on them graced this vehicle. My dad said "Nikoshema!!!!!! (My nick name, too embarrassing to reveal what it means) you have NO BUSINESS even LOOKING at a jacked up truck!!!! You are 4 foot 11 inches tall for God's sake!!!!".

I mov
ed on with the search with friends.

I knew when I saw it. My first vehicle should be an '85 Thunderbird V-8. It was slate blue with blacked out windows and nice rims. It was righteous. My dad fell in love with it as a car not as a smart purchase (smile, GOTCHYA!!!!!!).

I did not have my license when I bought it. I sat in it every night dreaming of driving it. When I moved out, I went for my license.

My instructor said:

"Watch out for that...............". DAAAAA-DUNK!!!!!!!!! "Pot hole!!!!! Stop
the vehicle ma'am - loooong sigh".

We hadn't left the parking lot and I had failed. Crying cute teenage girls do not woooo driving officials into getting their licenses (who knew????).

I got my license in my friends Toyota Corolla. I then drove my 2000 foot long Thunderbird with a hairpin gas pedal and a rumble that impressed all the boys (winkitty wink wink) as recklessly as I could. I was intelligent enough to know that it was not the right vehicle for me and traded it in for a little sports car with cooler rims and a spoiler (see, I AM a clear thinker!).

When I dated they drove as I entertained them with fun antics and music. When I got married he drove EVERYWHERE, I paid no attention to direction. When I got divorced I had to take over as primary driver. I realized I was a decent driver but that I sucked at finding places and would cry like a baby when I was lost.

I actually had t
o go to Orlando not too long after the break up. It was then I realized that I had never even gone through a tollbooth as a driver. Someone being nervous GOING THROUGH A TOLLBOOTH-------REALLY???? YES!!!!! It's your Superhero of insanity...Can you mess THAT up.....YES..... Yes you can.

Yesterday I had to meet a friend in Palatka or Welatka (WHAT THE HALIBUT?????!!!!). It is in the middle of nowhere and almost 2 hours away.

Wanna hear about it? Of course you do!! Here I go:

First of all when you people make fun of me know this: If the Government thinks there is a reason to put up signs warning you of Black Bears - there has to be a reason. AT some point there HAVE been Black Bears ON that friggerin' road!!! So me worrying about that (with my luck deficiency issues) is totally NORMAL (for once, agree I am normal- awe come on man, really??? There's no support here??? You are officially out of my cell phone circle!!)!!

The drive up was OK. It was daylight and I only cried once.

The way back was in pitch bla
ck with my minds vision of beady glowing bear eyes all around, not so nice. I turned my stereo volume up to "38" and rocked out to AC/DC (because a little "Bedlam in Belgium" goes a long way to calm me). There were deer everywhere. Death wishing.

The veers and the turns were invisible. I would drive on these desolate two lane roads for hours, tears in my eyes, seeing this:



But alas.... I did make it.... Even stopping into a Kangaroo so that I could potty and

I heart happy endings!!!!!

There were no Circus Peanuts harmed in the production of this blog. The "Kiss your Ass Goodbye Princess" road sign is fictional. Beer should not be sent through the tubes at Bank drive-In's. If beer IS sent through the tubes of Bank-drive In's: the underage teller should be able to consume the beer. The preceding was the opinion of the blogger and does not represent the beliefs of the Blogger site. All rights reserved.

Saturday, December 5, 2009

A different side of me!

It's been rainy and chilly here for a few days. Perfect nap weather. But no one in the house will let me nap. How am I supposed to hibernate when my "mini me's" are wide awake and rearing for trouble??

I overheard them saying they were going to make ink. Hmmmmm, wonder how that's gonna turn out??? I don't remember being asked if it would be alright to produce ink in my house? But still I questioned how they would accomplish this task? What scientific avenues would they travel down? I laid low and acted unaware. I knew at the right time I could intercept the mess. Chittering and chattering was echoing happily from the back room. Cups were falling from the cabinets as they searched for material. Water started running from the sink. The operation was in full swing. A few minutes later I walked in to investigate. "Hi MOM! We're making INK!!!!!" DramaGirl said innocently.

They had filled cups with about an inch of water and flipped over open markers to soak in the water and distribute the color. I let them continue and we went on to "tie dye" paper towels with the solution. I figured we could use them as tissue paper in our Christmas gifts.

Growing up I was always doing something crafty. My mom nurtured that creativity in me and I always enjoyed getting my hands dirty and making something. I will do that for my kids as well.

Today I paint stained glass pictures and windows. I have a few examples to share with you.

Sadly I lost pictures on my cell of the big home install windows I have done. I have done carousel horses, aliens and shark windows for kids. Victorian and modern windows, cabinet fronts with interchangeable patterns. Frames, mirrors etc.....

This product is amazing because it is removable but will not budge until you want it gone. It does not attract dust and can be applied to existing windows and side lights etc. You can turn a plain window into a showpiece.

These pics don't do them justice as they don't show the light passing through them and the sparkle and glimmer that comes with it. But I just wanted to share another part of me with you and I hope you enjoy looking at them.

My "Mermaid" series. I want to be like them when I grow up! WINK
They have beads and jewels for extra shine.

I love the leaf design so much, the colors are amazing ambers, golds and greens (you can't tell that at all from this pic). It turned out beautifully!!

My Geisha princess looks innocent like me! HA

Hey kitty kitty!!! Whatchya doing? This one is a two layer piece so it actually looks like an aquarium (fish, "gravel" and greenery on first layer--cat is on the next which is a few inches behind, one of my faves).

I live in horse country, so guess what I can paint with my eyes closed??? This little colt has a leather lead and metal mouthpiece and the frame is embellished with feathers and suade. The
folks here salivate at the sight of anything horse related.

My front window (I did it in the middle of the night, couldn't sleep and no one to snuggle with-sigh), has cut glass chips and looks etched. It is a simple design but adds so much to my living room.

Fairy forest fun! Bunny rabbits have jeweled tails. She's so cute with her diamond tiara and glimmery wings!

This is one of my girl's windows. They have a beach/Hawaiian/surf themed room. Hibiscus flowers with clear etching and pops of highlight colors lining through adorn the top of their windows.

Well I hope you enjoyed looking at these!

Just want to say thank you for reading my blog and commenting (and not calling the authorities to pick me up!!)! It is so fun for me to write for you!!

I know this post didn't have any funny parts, so I'll leave you with a joke:

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

GET IT?????? Instead of a bar he walks into a BRA!!!!! AHA ha ha ha ha

CRAP, it's bad huh????

How about:

What do you call a mushroom that buys a round of drinks at the bar????

A FUNGI!!!!!! (a fun-guy) AHA HA HA HA HA HA HA

I am so sorry.

Friday, December 4, 2009

I'm having issues-egads man!!

You know what???? I have been open here and given you plenty of ammunition to use me as your personal laughing target. As you can tell, I don't mind putting myself out there a little bit to pull humor out of any situation. I am about as honest and open with people as you can get.

But, I am having issues.

This whole dating thing is wearing me down. I am a laid back girl, I know I am not going to magically bump into the love of my life with no effort (unless my cyber boyfriend visits me, wink). So when you put yourself out there you can expect some issues.

Maybe I am old fashioned. Maybe I just have morals. Maybe I just use common sense (maybe). But, something is wrong with these people, something that makes even a strange bird like me go; "HUH?????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

My friends say I have a seductive nature, even when I am not trying. I see that in me, I am flirty I guess. But I don't dress hoochie; I dress closer to business sexy. And I don't talk sexually illicitly in first conversations. But everybody else does (gasp).

And there is more...

Sit down people.............This is gonna sting a bit.........

Wanna hear about it? Of course you do!! Here I go:

I have received 4 pictures in the last week of men.

No, not of their faces, not even their ass, no not of their car, or that big huge caught bass. It's not of their kids or the boat that they love and not of their church and the big sky above. They are pictures of thingies, this shy girl doest gasp! You should keep your pants buttoned and zipper firmly clasped!!!!!

Not really sure when Dr. Seuss possessed me, shhhh, I think he is gone, but, maybe I'm wrong!!!???? (Muhaha ha ha - yes, thank you, I am taking note of your recommendations and getting out more).

But the point is: Why in the hell would someone feel inclined to send me a picture of his nether regions???????? Especially in the first few conversations!!! (WHAT THE HALIBUT????!!!!!)

Now since I have not seen a full grown thingie for so long, I have to look and cock my head (no pun there, just happened, sorry) and think whoa, REALLY!!!!?????? But for the most part I get offended. I have not advertised that I needed to see that. I have not met you or talked to you for more that 15 minutes. We have not had any romantic encounter. Dude, you don't even know my last name or that I love Circus peanuts and car line dancing!


When they do this to ME, someone who verbally knows her way around a block, me thinks it's a BIG mistake!!! I am forced to play. I should feel bad about it, but I really don't. Maybe they are nice guys, maybe, but I don't need the hassle of figuring that sickness out. Does this even happen to anyone else but me????????

I ask you; what exactly is my response SUPPOSED to be to an unwelcome pipe picture????

I have come up with many different joke responses. All unique, all 100% me (all laughing at their expense)!!!!

And once again:

You wanna hear them?? Of course you DON'T!! But here I go ANY dang way!!!

"Well, bring on the love snausage baby, I am here waiting!!??????" ...NOOOO, That's not it!!

"OMG put it away!!! You're gonna KILL somebody with that thing someday!!!!"..........NOPE!!!!

"I didn't know NASA had a flesh colored rocket!!!!!!" ...........Don't think so!!!

"Oh, I see you found that missing Pygmy BOA constrictor!!!! My HERO!!!!!"..........Hmmmm, I DO kinda like that one!!!


"If I put a coin in the slot will the air come out and fill my tires???" Aha ha ha ha ha, I gotta stop...

Bow, curtsy....thank you,,,,thank you very much....HEY!!! There will be NO tomato throwing in my blog Mister!!!!!!

It all brings me back to my first apartment days. A friend and me moved in together, young and naive and ready for a little trouble. There was a single guy across the street from us. He was older than we were and never talked to us or waved. One night my roomie saw him in his front window. She screamed to me frantically to get binoculars and come see. Me being young and sweet did not have the slightest idea why.

I fought with her in shock saying, " No!! He's NOT!!!! He's just cleaning his gun, OH SHIT HE"S GOT A GUN!!!!!"

"Jannine!!!! That is most certainly NOT a gun, LOOK AGAIN!!!!!" she patiently advised me.

"HOLY HALIBUT STEW!!!! That's NOT a gun!!!!! SHIT he's looking right at me!!! I stammered while dropping the binoculars and stepping back.

"And he's not stopping!!" she said slowly, "I think this show is for us!!!"


The next couple of weeks went by to the showing of the same stage production. We ignored it as much as we could. One day he came out to the edge of our yard and we knew we had to act. We called the police and explained the situation delicately. They were asked to come with no lights on and catch him in the act. We felt unsafe with him there. The next night as planned, he serenaded his trumpet. The cops came full boar lights on with no secrecy. Assholes!!!!

Our neighbor moved out the next week.

A friend showed me an interesting excerpt from the newspaper a few weeks after the incident. It was a police article of local crime activity. It showed MY address with the words "Indecent Exposure". Our call complaining about him had flagged our address as the reported activity instead of his!!!!!

I kept that piece of paper for years in case no one believed I was one bad mamma jamma!!!!!

So, in closing: I think I am hanging up my dating site gloves for a while to just enjoy relishing my own hot dog of happiness (dang, another bad pun?? I need help!! Please send help!!!).

Thursday, December 3, 2009

Something different, for you, from me with love!

I have always been a writer. In school when there was a writing assignment and all the kids sighed, I was the one squirming in my seat ready to start. I have many books written, songs, short stories, reviews, movie pitches etc. People say when times are rough you should journal. I think; "why write depressing stuff?" What are you going to do with it? Go back in a few months and get depressed again reading it? Hmmmm, sounds productive! Instead of writing in a journal when things are rough I write comedy routines. They are all over my house. I do have a unique (cough) sense of comedy so they are pretty interesting. I go back and laugh at them from time to time thinking, "I wonder if anyone else would think THAT was funny?”

I picked up a Cosmo recently just for fun. Besides containing the 101 BEST sex moves EVER!! ---And---The one sex position your man wants now!! ---And---How to never think for yourself!! ---And--- Worry about your appearance ALL day, a shallow woman's guide---and---Food is your enemy, how to starve and be happy!! ---And---A plain girls horrid life!! (Some of those I made up. Can you guess which ones?) It also has a romantic novel section. It contains short racy snippets from a romance book trying to get you all heated up. I read it with a smile and thought; "Wait!!! I have never written a romance novel, story etc....I should do that!" (And then I ate 5 green olives and a pickle, just sharing).

Why should I write a romantic story for you?? Because I love you and want you to have romance in your life!!!!

So here is my feeble attempt at a short romance story. Enjoy

You wanna hear it? Of course you do!! Here I go: rode sidesaddle on a steed of the finest bloodlines. Her regal white horse is galloping through meadows where candy colored blooms blanket the ground like fine tapestries. The horse's gait stirs up butterflies, they flutter up like firecrackers on a steamy July night.

The beautiful seductress's auburn hair is dancing in the wind as kite tails do on a blustery afternoon. Her corset tightly cinches her already delicate waist. Her ample bosom glistens in the sun inviting thoughts of passion. Her eyes are dark and focused as she shifts her weight and throws her leg over to ride full saddle, speeding her journey. She was on a mission and was running out of time.

She was chosen by the crown for her exquisite beauty and grace and had been betrothed to the Prince. She accepted his proposal with a sunken heart. Today she was going into forbidden territory.

She had fallen in love with a Knight from a rival realm. He awaited her visit in the cover and protection of the forest. As her horse navigated expertly through the trees, she daydreamed about his touch sending a shiver of excitement down her spine.

He stood gallantly running his fingers through his dark hair, tousling it a bit nervously. His legs firm and strong shook with anticipation of her kiss. Chiseled abs hidden under cloak and armour heaved with each breath. When he saw her riding toward him his passion deepened and a knowing smile emerged on his striking face. He could not wait any longer to touch her soft skin and stroke her long silky hair.

He steadied her horse brushing against her lean body. Delicately he enveloped her waist with his stalwart hands to help her down. She purposely pushed her body against his causing the spark to change into fire. Passionately they embraced. His breath against her skin offered her a sensation she had never felt before. He traced her cleavage like an artist painting a masterpiece, pulling her forward to meet his longing for a kiss.

This first forbidden kiss ignited a flurry of movements and sounds that echoed through the woods like music. They explored each other tenderly until she stopped to speak.

"I must go!" she said softly. "I must go, NOW!"

"Will they be looking for you my lady? Are you in danger in any way?" he questioned strongly.

"No, she said, It is something else my love".

"Please tell me, I must know that you will be safe!" his voice quivered knowing she would be leaving him wanting more.

While helping her up to her horse he professed his love by touch.

"Why must you leave so soon!'" he reiterated.

"Well" she said seductively, "The royal cable guy is supposed to visit some time between 8 and 5 and there is no freaking way I will go another damn day without TV in that castle!!!"

With that proclamation the horse bucked upward and darted off into the forest ensuring her the knowledge that mindless entertainment would be returned inside the castle's walls.

The end

See there!!!!! I DO believe in happy endings!!!!!!!

You're welcome!!!!!!!!

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

I Believe in Santa Claus!!!!!!!

Happiness...... It's all around us this time of year > Kid's picking out their toys > the ceaseless commercials that are aimed directly at them > the stores with their pseudo sales and marketing ploys..

All implying that to make your family happy YOU MUST BUY THEM!!!

Which brings me to the story of "Blip".

Wanna hear about it? Of course you do!! Here I go:

"Blip" was MY:


I had to have one. I needed to feel the ultra advanced electronic marvel that was the "Blip" in my tiny fingers. I ate, drank, slept and drooled the "Blip". It would be mine.
"I really wanted a "Blip" instead!!!!

The commercials showed an awesome electronic toy that sang a happy "blip, blip, blip, blip" ditty and had beautiful popular kids in awe. I ran around singing that song and the praises of "Blip" to everyone I knew, surely someone would take the bait. Big brown eyes, pouty lips and an angelic voice could not fail me now! For months and months this went on until the day my precious "Blip" arrived.

The angels were singing and shining a heavenly light on the package. I knew it contained my treasure. I almost hesitated opening it because the moment was soooo sweet. I delicately lifted the paper off and there she was:

The image “” cannot be displayed, because it contains errors.
Blip, Blip, Blip, Blip!!!!! --EVERYBODY SING!!!!!!!--

There were a lot of important tid-bits missing from "Blip" advertising. It was not electronic. In reality you had to wind the "Blip" up (WHAT THE HALIBUT????). Had I been the savvy purchaser that I am now I would have noticed the "wind up timer". When you did wind the beast up it made this horrendous grinding buzzer type noise (similar to chalk board scratching or Styrofoam cracking). Your goal was to take the "mechanical" not "electronic" red sort of glowing dot/ball thingy and "guess" to which of the paddles it would go. I cried within the first 5 minutes of receiving it. It was my "big" gift. There was nothing more to live for.

I laugh about it now, but as a kid your brain overloads with sadness (being a girl didn't help). I truly feel Ralphie's pain!!!!

And then there was the other extreme:

One Christmas I got a fancy smancy Revlon make-up kit. OMG!!!!!!! It was the most wonderful thing I had EVER seen and fueled my love of the cosmetic world. It was enveloped in a beautiful flowered tin. I opened it approximately 1,752,356 times! It had a mirror and gloss and lipstick and blush and eyeshadow and velvet pockets and applicators and nail polish and I, I, I,,,,,,,,,, I LOVED IT!!!!!! And no other gift mattered.

"In the future, I will be
addicted to mascara, but my
teeth will be in better proportion
to my head!!"

The Make-up Christmas experience was sooooooo much better than the "Blip" Christmas experience!!!! BUT....... I loved my parents the same through both, and enjoyed each holiday. I was not scarred for life by the "Blip" (of course now seeing it again, I may have a bad dream or two) , nor did the make-up box set me up for grandeur in life (but it did cause a sparkle fetish).

I want to GIVE MEMORIES like those to my kids. The ones you talk about for years and laugh about in front of their new loves. It's these special times that really matter!!! I know that last years "falling Angel torso" episode will certainly be a topic for holiday discussion for many years to come.

So how will I do it this year? I am not sure, but some how I will!!!

I must admit it is nice to get presents, I haven't gotten one since 1902, but I think it was fun the last time I did. These days you hear children gushing about what they are going to get and then trying to one-up each other's gift lists left and right. Then after the holiday the one-upping of actually received gifts starts (harsh for a kid who gets a meager present return, I lived that one many a year). I am sad that I can't provide many frivolous things for kid's right now. I direct my funds to the necessities and pray they cover them (it seldom does, sigh). I do enjoy spoiling my children when I have the opportunity, I just have not had it in recent times.

My oldest understands the Christmas deal. She has came up to me for years and softly told me to buy her siblings presents, and that "she knows". That makes me want to cry each year, that's a sweet kid I got (see, crazy raises good kids, neener, neener, neener-----unless she is duping me for a better present turn out,, nah,, hmmmmm)!!

The other two don't know "the secret" yet. Hoover is still young enough that he has never seen a room full of gifts but the commercials have just started to reel him in. DramaGirl is still a believer at age 9, and I love that about her. I do feel she is a little old to still believe (hopefully she's not duping me for a better present turn out,, nah,, hmmmmm). That childlike spirit needs to be maintained as long as possible. I will do whatever it takes to nurture imagination and wonder in my children.

Adult life needs more sparkles, magic dust and happily ever afters. Allow me to sprinkle some big ole' sappy Christmas sparkles on this post for you.

Yes I do believe. Do you?

I believe in Santa Claus.

I believe that whatever I come up with will be spectacular to my kids.

I believe that my children will love me no matter what's under the tree.

I believe the true spirit of Christmas and the reason behind it, will be evident and cherished in my house.

I believe that it is very important (no matter how financially tight we are) for us to pick a charity together and donate what we can.

I believe that there are families out there in rougher situations and I pray that they find a way to stay positive.

I believe better times are coming for all who DO believe.

I believe my prayers are being heard AND being worked on, and so are yours.

I believe in spiked eggnog and loooong peppermint kisses (sorry, I forgot I was being serious for a moment, carry on).

I believe you should SAVE a puppy not BUY one.

I believe my PT Cruiser is better as a reindeer than a vehicle (see exhibit A below) .

Exhibit A

I believe
you should stop and sing with the Salvation Army bell ringers (a lot of them are in a tough spot and yet they smile everyday).

I believe it's OK to re-gift that SNUGGIE and Chia Pet Head (but not the fruitcake, that's just rude).

I believe that my intelligent children may just be duping me for a better present turn out????!!!

I believe in all of us.

I believe I am done with this serious post.

Note: If you add what you "believe" to my comments it will make me smile!!!!!!

Monday, November 30, 2009

Juvenile??? Yes!! Funny???? I hope so!!!!

*******WARNING: I had a conversation with my mom last night and she told me that when she reads my blog and I say "ass" it always makes her laugh (-----we weren't sure why------). So I dedicate this blog post to her. It will contain a lot of ass usage. I will have an ass count at the end. I won't however (due to parental monitoring) talk about sex - or - men's asses - or - my lack of sex AND men's asses - or - drinking - or - staying up late eating junk food and adding to my ass -or- watching rated "R" movies - or - when I said out loud "so easy a caveman can do it" and the homeless guy HEARD me and looked sad and my kids laughed (been praying for forgiveness on that one, but he did look just like 'em, sigh) - or - the reckless abandon I used when I ripped off the mattress tags - or - the in-pure thoughts I had about Walter the Mart greeter - or - that I use those little Christmas address stickers sent to me in lieu of a voluntary donation *without donating*.... (that's not what's on your card's envelope mom, I swanee).

But..... I WOULD like to say that Church has been splendid EVERY night - and - the tiny village of Vommbabadabei that I single handedly planted a whole rice field and built 10 schools in, is honoring me with a ceremony next week -and- that the blankets I hand knitted with my own children's belly button and toe lint have all been passed out to the shelters - and - that I turned down ANOTHER starring movie role because it had an ass scene AND a topless scene in it--and because of the morals I was raised with I couldn't do it even for the 20 mil (I think Angelina ended up taking it, she needed it more, what with the 50 kids and all, I'm a giver)*******end of disclaimer*********

Wow! Everyone has their Christmas lights up already-maybe it's because I live in a "not so nice" neighborhood and they never took them down, but whatever. The icy glow of white lights always gets me in the mood. What "mood" that is depends on the stupidity and "ass"inine (cheated on that one a bit, wink) behavior of the people I have to deal with IN the stores.

Today started out nicely, I dug around until I found my little Rudolph deco for the car and the PT is now decked for the holiday!!! My kids were thrilled. That's why I do it, just for them (ha).

And then I made the mistake of going to the Mart.

I have strong pro and con feelings about the Mart. I suppose if you go to a Mart in an affluent area there will be less cons, but also less things to laugh about (pros). Today a woman showed her ass. She really did,,,,, it was ass cleavage. She was wearing a pair of tight jeans that caused a severe case of muffin top (they were like 6 sizes too small and she was no featherweight champion, not that I am, but still). They had a large rectangle cut out of the under ass portion of both legs. My kid's begged me to take a picture for you but I said, "Alas my children, your beautiful and talented Mother will draw the offending ass with perfect precision and skill and present it on her blog with much fanfare".

Wanna see your visual? Of course you do!! Here it comes:

You are soooo welcome!!!


Drawing this on photo shop made me realize how very lonely and disturbed I must be. I guess it was somewhere between actually drawing the jean stitches (which you can't see now, sigh,, waste of 30 good minutes!!!), and the perfectly arched ass crack work, that left me sad and empty inside.

I'm going to go eat some green olives and rock back and forth in my chair for a while. Yes; I promise I am wearing my helmet and yes; I DO take the short bus for long trips !! GEESH


See........ I can't be all THAT bad- I just made my mom laugh 15 times!!!!! XOXOXO MOM!!!!!!!