Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Just SUPER!!!!!!

When I first started my blog and dubbed myself "The Invisible Seductress" I had this image in my head that she "my alter ego" would be a fantastic SUPERHERO (said standing - in side view- with both hands on a blue unitarded hip - wind blowing red cape back- "IS" tattooed on my chest, ---albeit a little bumpy, but still reads "IS" ...heroic type music playing in the background).

She/I would, as my Credo states "Use my powers for GOOD not EVIL"!!!

But lately,,, I am feeling more like a sidekick.....And they are really just not as cool.

Take for example "The Tick":

SUPERFLY hero with a large... uh--sense of humor and a... SUPERCALIFRAGILISTIC BATTLECRY......."SPOOOOOOOON"!!!!!!! ...but his sidekick is a....ahem...a MOTH???
The moth wanted "Not in the face, NOT IN THE FACE!!!" for a battle cry,,, see.....totally uncool!

I mean Batman and Robin..Come on..short end of the sidekick rainbow there. I could go on but I think somewhere they may be a comic geek screaming from his basement about the inaccuracies of this "SIDEKICKS SUCK" post, because he himself believes HE is a SIDEKICK,,, and his veins are popping in his head to share with me the 100 wonderful sidekicks he can think of in one breath,,(and then he has alone time because he pulled out all the action figures still in the boxes and it always excites him),, so I am going to stop....go drink some Tang dude..

So anyways,, if I am going to be a SUPERHERO (said standing - in side view- with both hands on a blue uni-tarded hip - wind blowing red cape back- "IS" tattooed on my chest, --- albeit a little bumpy, but still reads "IS" ...heroic type music playing in the background..)

....and bring laughter and fun mayhem to the WORLD... I have to step up my game a bit.

The power of laughter is almighty and if I have elicited say at least 10 laughs a week from 101 followers who maybe shared the post with 10,000 of their closest friends who then shared the post with 25,000 of their closest friends. WHAT THE HALIBUT!!!!!! I have caused (jeopardy music.........).......8,424,240 laughs in 6 months!!!! And I know some of you probably shared my posts with MORE than 10,000 people so my figures are probably really low, but it's a good starting estimate I think.


(New Seductress battlecry established just now, you are the first to know about it,, by tomorrow 50,101 more will know and it won't be as special, so relish this memory people!!)

So I vow (said standing - in side view- with both hands on a blue unitarded hip - wind blowing red cape back- "IS" tattooed on my chest, ---albeit a little bumpy, but still reads "IS".. heroic type music playing in the background..) keep the laughs growing until...

Green Olives are the NATIONAL CONDIMENT


No SUPERHERO is forced to wear blue unitards to get street cred..
(really unless you are "CAMELTOEMAN" ...what's the point?)

This I vow to you!!
(as I go clean up dog shat and wipe a runny least I had ONE moment of grandeur this morning!!)

Please enjoy another great moment from "The Tick":

Monday, March 29, 2010

March 29, 2010 at exactly 3:10PM

...........IT HAPPENED

Well,,,,,, let me go back to 2:57PM so you will understand.

I was cleaning up another mess and there was a knock at the Seductress residential grand entryway. I was a hot mess so my first thought was: DAMMIT', people always come when I look like Fiona the Ogre, not Fiona the Princess.*sigh*. But then,,, I trumped that line of thinking with this one: if I was Judy Jetson I could put a face on BEFORE I actually GOT to the door......but no.....wait,,,,,, if I WAS in fact Judy Jetson, Rosie the robot would GET the door -and- if I was still needed, I could actually project a hologram image of myself, all dolled up, to the doorway and handle the situation from another room, while still looking like Fiona the Ogre....and then I think I sighed again (but I'm not sure it may have been a muffled burp).

It was the mail person (see how political correct I was saying mail person instead of mail man, yes I paid attention to Mr. Rogers).

She had a letter that needed to be signed for (never good) and another pile of envelopes, handed to me with a smile (as a bonus)... WHAT!!!!!????? No Sephora Summer Campaign book??(DAMMIT' # Dos) I sighed again, (it was really a sigh this time) and plopped down on the chair, noticing that my son had uncleaned what I just cleaned,,,(DAMMIT' # Tres).

So at exactly 3:10PM,,, after reading my mail:

I threw my paws in the air and gave up.

That's it! I give up! I can't fight 24 hours a day. Nothing good is happening. The bad is compounding. So, I give up!!!! I JUST GIVE UP!!!!!!

Wait,,,I'll go into a Que Sera, Sera mode, I thought.. You know the.. "whatever will be, will be!" philosophy crap. I'll make a fine Doris Day..... And then my mind traveled back to bonfire singing, with goopy shamores (say it my way please) and wishing the lightening bugs would spell out my name in the dark summer sky...and... Sneaking away from camp to kiss sticky shamore faced boys.... and.... feet so dirty they were black for a week.

.....And for a moment,,,,, I was relieved of stress. (Until the Animal Planet imagery of a bear attack jumped into my head and dammed my wonderful camping trip hallucination all to hell... (DAMMIT # Cuatro).

I tried to told ya!!!

It's been a bumpy road folks, I won't bore you with the details. But not a lot of happy things have been happening. A good friend said to me "keep on dancing and pretty soon YOUR song will come up". Now that was solid advice from a wise man, but the last time I "danced", a clutzy drunk guy "twirled" me with no notice, my foot got stuck to something on the dance floor (it was a ritzy establishment) and I ended up in the ER all night -and- my knee is STILL screwed up!!!! (DAMMIT #Cinco)

....But I liked that statement a lot! It is really a sweet way to look at it.

I think maybe I need to look life as a pool game. I've been behind the eight a lot of times and came out victorious. But some games when I am a few balls down, I have to stop and think: "what am I doing differently here?" The truth is, most games you lose, you lose because you didn't do YOUR best, not because the other player/game was actually better than you. Maybe I am focusing too much on my NEXT shot and not enough on the one right in front of me. Well, if I don't make the shot right here, right now, I will never get the chance to make the next one. I need to slow down.

If I stop and follow through every shot, most of the time I will get back on track. And then, when I hear that eight ball make its un-mistakeably wonderful "CRACK" on the inside of the pocket that I previously proclaimed it would, it is so so much sweeter. (And I get to "brain dance" to victories wonderful music, it sounds like "Eye of the Tiger" in my head)

So maybe the fight reminds you of how nice the calm really is. And maybe I wouldn't appreciate the simple things like I do if I haven't had to fight so hard for all of them. And maybe,,,,,, I am strong enough to keep the fight up for the duration, because the alternative is being bear bait (cringe,,,,eeeep).

So at 4:28 PM on March 29, 2010..... I decided,,, NOT to give up.

Even if I don't make it through this life the way I envision or wished I would, I know my song WILL come up. And although I may not dance to it, and risk a: (DAMMIT' #Seis),,,, you can be damn sure I will be singing out loud and awaiting my STANDING OVATION!

OH,,,,,,COME ON,,,,REALLY??????!!!!!!!

At exactly 8:04PM my puppy shit on my floor,,,,, (DAMMIT SEIS!!!!)

You knew I would get there didn't ya?????...smiling....I heart you all for listening!!!

****the preceding post was brought to you by:

Depends Undergarments
will you need them? Well that depends!

and by

"Um, it really doesnt taste as good
as you remember it did as a kid"
we are very sorry"

This post has no verbal nutritional value AT ALL!!

Useless thoughts:

I wonder why the Trix rabbit just doesn't just go and buy some cereal and eat it at his leisure. I mean he goes to such extraordinary lengths and expense to dress up in elaborate costumes and conjure up eye pleasing visual effects and realistic props, only to be discovered and scolded by children. If he would focus his efforts and simplify his strategy, I bet he could be eating the fruity goodness that is Trix right now. And that would make me happy.

There is a new bubble product out for children. It is called "Optrix 3D bubbles".
Aren't bubbles ALREADY 3D?

Why do we fall for it when our children PROMISE they will be the ones taking care of the new puppy? And is the big red "STUPID" stamp on my forehead pretty??

When I go to the "Dollar General", I want to think that everything in the store is generally a dollar. But it's not and that makes me sad.

Letters to random idiots:

Dear lady in the parking lot with your gangsta friends: I was walking in with three young kids in tow when you decided to start your rant on life and barrage us with "F" bombs. My kids HAVE heard the "F" word before and know that it is not proper for them to say it. However when it is shot around like an AK47 on steroids, it begs to reason: what's the point??? It adds no drama then! And when you looked straight at me and saw the look on my face, were you not intelligent enough to take the hint and lay off for 3 seconds while we enter the store? Apparently not. And yes that is why I let the older girls take the younger one in so I could step out and alert you to your ignorance "politely". You are the reason my son asked where his "F'N" stuffed animal was before bed last night and I had to punish him and put him to bed feeling awful.

Dear person who walked right in front of me in line: I am a patient gal. I really am. But I have things to do as well, and when you decide to cut in front of me, you hi-jack some of my time. I don't appreciate having my time hi-jacked like that, but my head was throbbing so I let you live.
You're welcome.

Dear KFC: I don't know what your problem is but counting to "8" is really NOT that difficult! When I order an "8" piece grilled chicken, I expect to have "8" pieces when I get home! And treating me like I am unreasonable for that, just makes you look more ignorant. So when I count it in front of you and you mumble something under your breath , realize who the TRUE idiot is here.....because....I just handed you BACK the box that only had "6" pieces in it..perhaps a few training videos with "The Count" from Sesame Street would help............

Dear Homeowners Association: My grass is long. I cut it. It may not sound like a lot to you but paying $30.00 to cut my grass is a lot of money to me. I had the palm fronds stacked neatly to the side by the garage. It would have been another $20.00 to have them taken to the dump. I needed to wait. Now you cited me for that. In the meantime, I can not go out of my house at night without feeling like a duck in a carnival game. I can not let my kids outside without feeling concerned for their safety. Groups of teens cut through my yard in the middle of the night screaming profanities and stealing everything that is not tied down. Please let me and my neighbors' grass grow beyond ankle height and focus on cleaning up the crime and violence here instead. You will NEVER gain the respect of prospective home buyers if we don't clean up the crime. Our values will continue to plummet and owners will continue to leave, rent out their homes to questionable people and the cycle will never end.

I just want a hug

Sunday, March 28, 2010

Celebrate good times,,,come on!!!!

100 Followers Giveaway

Thank You Extravaganza!!!

I would like to direct your attention to the right side of my blog (as I stand, posing like Vanna White for you..) says 100 followers!!!

Yes,,,, 100!!!!

And I am thrilled -nay- beyond thrilled that you guys read something in my blog and decided I was redeemable enough to come back again and again. Which really warms my heart, but also worries me just a tad. I am sure if you asked an expert in mental studies they would advise AGAINST encouraging a mentally unstable person such as myself.

Much as you would a naughty puppy, insane behavior should be ignored and the puppy/insane person in question,, longing for your attention,, will act accordingly exhibiting proper behavior patterns. So with positive reinforcement, I won't poop on your blog when I visit a post of yours. (but I have pee'd on a few blogs to mark my territory, I couldn't help it,, they are soooo damn good!!)

But against all professional advice,, you have given me enough reason to trudge on with my weary struggles in a world not yet ready for my brand of humor. And I want to thank you!!

'Cause you didn't have to love me,
...................but you did,
................................but you did,
.............................................but you did!!!!
.........................................................and I thank you!!!

I have been thinking of a lot of ways I might be able to express my gratitude to all of you. A funny thank you post just didn't seem good enough-- so I decided I would host a give away!!

In the month of April, for every comment you post, your name will be put in a drawing for an art piece of mine. I will ship it to your home sealed with a kiss. It can be pretty much anything you want, I will be custom making it for you!

Here are a few examples:

These are painted (stained) glass pieces, so pictures really don't show the detail but
they are quite pretty and unique, and I hope will be enjoyed in your home. We can discuss the details after you win,,, yes YOU,,,, You are going to win!!!!!

I really do appreciate you coming and reading my posts, this isn't enough to thank you but I hope you all feel the warmth of gratitude I have for you (....gutter brains, please redirect your thinking to PG rated warm gratitude,, thank you).

Please enjoy ZZ Top singing "I thank you!":

Saturday, March 27, 2010

Saturday Seductress Sells Seashells by the Sea Shore!

No, not really. But I could if I want to, you're not the boss of me!

Welcome to another arousing episode of:
The Saturday Seductress!!

(The show where anything goes and green olives are suggested but not mandatory)
**not available in WI..While supplies last..No Purchase necessary..
Batteries not Included (dammit)**

Today is Saturday March 27th 2010. There are 279 days left in 2010. the following is a list of pertinent National Holidays:

The Month is March is:

"Sing With Your Child Month"

The week of:
March 21st-March 28th is:

" National Bubble Blowers Week"

March 27th 2010 is:

"Quirky Country Song Title Day"

"Four shirtless, shoe less cowboys on a pole, welcome you"


****Please celebrate responsibly !!

In celebration of :

"National Sing With Your Child Week"

Please enjoy this sing-a-long song appropriate for children of all ages:

There's nothing more irritating than a song that gets in your head and does not leave!! Especially if it's THIS one.....I am very sorry but I believe in celebrating each holiday to the fullest, there needed to be drastic measures to assure you partook in proper celebration of this National Holiday!! You're Welcome!!!!

Friday, March 26, 2010

Retro Seductress-for Robyn...wink

This is one of my very first posts. It was when I was online in the dating scene and describes the questionable outcome of a few dates. Robyn from "Life by chocolate" had spoken about a bad blind date. So I am reposting this for her!(wish I knew how to link,,but I am a MORON,, but,, she's awesome,, check her out!)

I plan on coming back strong next week for a celebratory "100 Followers Giveaway and Thank You Extravaganza"!!! (Oprah is in on this giveaway,, she is so excited about the new ca...damn I almost gave it away!!!

Kisses,, hugs,, chocolate and back scratches to all!!

Post is from 10/02/2009

The last few months I have been actively reading and responding to my dating site hits. I won't mention the sites but I have an active profile on two of them. One is a major player in the match world (wink) and the other is a little site with a fun and lively set up. Over these months on the big one I received 409 emails (I put up Megan Foxes pic -ha)!!! Perusing over them has been quite interesting. Most of them say they want an "inteligant women" and continue to ramble-spelling every other word wrong (if you want an intelligent woman-spell it right dipstick!!). I have physically met 4 men--2 for lunch (doesn't count right?) and 2 for dinner.

Would you like to know what happened? ....Of course you do-here I go:

A few months back I had the first one. It was a lunch date with a guy that had a name similar to "quick1974". We had spoken to each other for about a month. He seemed cute and funny but a bit dramatic. It was my first "date" in years and I was nervous and in the bathroom for about an hour before-uh-relieving nervousness and trying to hide it. The concept of dating again leaves me Chihuahua-ish (ie: shaking and peeing myself). The girls at work all posted at the windows--which--uh--helped??!! And I saw him waiting outside for me and thought he was cute. We went to a Mex place and he started talking to me about his life and his drama--his ex--his job--his finances--his health--his parent's health--his bird--(yes,,his bird) his ex--his ex--his ex.......That was the last time I spoke to him. He texted me 27 times in the next couple of days. I hope he and his bird are doing well.

The next "date" was with another long time conversation guy who worked in my field. I had free tickets to a comedy club and thought I'd use them for us. When I saw him I was shocked- "banker1986"-- looked NOTHING like his picture-and that was a really bad thing. I think he was a Muppet. Still,, I am not an appearance only girl and search more for heart than looks, so I hugged and smiled. Inside the club I found out he had no heart and was indeed a Muppet ("Animal"-sorry I love Animal too,,but it works here)-as I awkwardly sat with him I thought about my kids at the sitter,,,FOR THIS????!!! The best part of the night was when both comedians made fun of him. One even said he was dating waaaay out of his league (poufing hair<<.urp.>>). If he were a nice man I would have grabbed him and kissed him passionately right then-but instead I laughed. Later I found out that he had been putting his drinks on my tab-I had one drink that cost $60!!! I understandably waited a bit before my next dating leap.

The next guy with a screen name like "peas777" was really nice. He wasn't my type at all but I was having fun with him at Sonny's until we walked out to the parking lot to part ways. He grabbed me and swallowed my face with no warning. He then called and texted me over and over to tell me how much he loved my lips--I think he still has them.

....And then on to the last guy......He is kinda cute-funny-grounded and successful. "Artdad565" said he was separated and ready to move on. I felt him move fast emotionally,,but I liked him so I followed suit. There was no sex just nice visits-hand holding and a few kisses. He fixed my washing machine (which he should have gotten laid for) and was very caring. His company upgraded computer systems and since he was the boss he could give the old ones away,, I didn't own one so he brought one and helped me set it up. I asked "what if you decide you hate me?" he said the computer was still mine with a smile. It rocks (rubbing it's privates as we speak). Two days later he was having issues thinking about me "long term and romantically"- he said it felt like cheating---and I found out his wife still lived with him.....WHAT THE HALIBUT???? So I gotta "lets be friends" proposal and haven't heard from him since. He moved a lot quicker with feelings than I did-I am still a little confused with this one. I guess I am writing about him on my "parting gift".

So..... now I press on-sigh...Currently talking to 3 men on a regular basis-(one screen name is like "Orgazmicfruit" I really should know better)-no plans for meeting yet-will let you know. I must be insane to go forward with this but the challenge of finding a good guy intrigues me,, I'll keep my legs shaved for a few more weeks.

*****Update---Orgazmicfruit STILL sends me PIPE PICS (I tried to told me so!!!! He is blocked now)..and my legs are still shaved...but I am not on these sites anymore!!!*******

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

who knew??

Awwwwww Youth,,, you think you know it All,,,,, but........

One beautiful fall day on vacation in Tennessee, single girls were driving the roads of a mountain top. The rocky roads crept upwards, swirling around like the lines in soft serve Ice Cream (extracted from the machine at your favorite Chinese Buffet, they have the best vanilla there ;} ). The weather was perfect for rolled down windows, rolled up shorts, loud music and deserted tree lined excursions. The scarlets and amber flew off those trees like sparks from a college bon-fire (that you probably don't remember because of the alcohol you consumed).

We had a head for adventure, an eye for scenery, a naivety that was palpable and were ready to own it all.

Then,,,HARK........We saw a sign that stopped us in the moment....We were lost in the novelty of the rugged outdoors...this sign was a warning.......warning us of wildlife....wildlife up ahead...wildlife we HAD to see......Specifically hogs.....wild hogs no doubt.....dangerous wild mountain hogs...dangerous wild Tennessee mountain hogs......dangerous wild native Tennessee mountain hogs......we were unafraid...undaunted by the risks before us.......we looked for the elusive creatures over and around the mountain top.... Seems the construction and the large pieces of equipment, must have scared the Bush Hogs away...

But the Chalet owner had another explanation,, we HAD seen the elusive bush Hog!!

Turns out:

Bush Hog =

NOT !!!!!!!!

who knew??

I was just moving in with a room mate. My first apartment.......

My first stab at the REAL WORLD!!

Just me and Jolie against the world!! I had just turned 18. Oblivious to anything even the slightest bit domestic. We had just signed the lease and finished shopping for essential things like doughnuts for the morning and cottage cheese, we would not starve our first day there. We were impressed by our own forethought of hunger, we were already making big decisions.

Our first visit to the apartment "with KEY IN HAND!!" as grown up lessors came. But there,, in the entry way...was an obstacle beyond our scope of imagination. The biggest spider we had EVER SEEN.,,,,,,we ran...... straight down the driveway screaming...... Dropping our beloved sustenance items...... Looking like complete idiots...... The conversation turned to who would do the deed.....It was hairy, it took a while and a few shudders and tears to decide.....We sat on the hood of the car praying we would see it walk away......But it didn't....... I'll get it THIS time......

Bravely I approached, eye of a predator...... Hands flaring out...... Praying my shoe would forgive me for the carnage I was going to introduce it to..... One step.... two back... it moved..... two steps..... one back..... I gotta do this.....

..... A stray drop of sweat rolled down my face and landed by my nose..... tickling me..... but I was undeterred...... No distractions in this dangerous situation could phase me...... One big reach and a scream...Aaaaagggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.........breathe..............................



I had barely grazed the top of the monster when it erupted into a baby spider fireworks display!!

They scattered everywhere.....hundreds---nay--thousands of them....

We screamed down the driveway again..and called Daddy for help.....

who knew??

Our first apartment, again. A puppy named Oliver. My first male puppy. An awesome Little dude with the blackest fur and darkest eyes, begging you for love..... and love him we did.

But there was something wrong. He had an ailment. I called the vet in a panic:

"My dog has something wrong with it!!!!

"Explain the problem ma'am"

"Well,,,, when I got home.....hold on.........sniffle,sniffle,,,snort."

"Calm down ma'am"

"When I got home,,,he-he-heeee got all riled up and I noticed he had grOOOwths, they look like-like--- tumors and they're h-h-hard!!!....sniffle....snot suck"

"Where are they ma'am?"

"Well , this is embarrassing, but they're .....whispering.....down there....."



"Sir??? Are yoooou there?????"

small giggle


"Like where his private part is? Are the bumps there?"


"Is he fixed ma'am?"

"NO!...... Not y-yet,,, is he OK?????? ....panicked breathing


"Ma'am,,, what you've got there are testicles, when he's excited they'll swell a bit, he's fine"

*gulp* *sigh* ...thinking: ........"Excitaballs?????" WTF

loud giggling on the line

"I'm sooooo sorry, thank you for your time"....CLICK.....

who knew??

Happy Dance!!!!

just sayn'----what a useless post THIS IS!!!

"It IS what it IS"

....does that mean it will never be what it WAS? Can we never have what we HAD? Could it never be what it's BEEN? Will we never do what we've DONE? Will we never see what we've SEEN? Will we speak again what we SPOKE? Should we ever love again what we already LOVED? Will we get a chance to hold what we HELD? Can we cry when we previously CRIED?

Just sayn'

Is the glass HALF FULL or HALF EMPTY?

Well, if you are an optimist half full, a pessimist half empty ,,right??? but shouldn't it really depend on:


Wouldn't a optimist still be an optimist if he/she said the glass was HALF EMPTY,, say ,,if it was filled with poop or clown tears???


Wouldn't the pessimist STILL be a pessimist if he/she said it was HALF FULL,
(because of it's negative contents, and he/she would be obviously complaining about the high level of contents?)

just sayn'

If someone says :

Can I help you?

Is it really SO out of line if I say: Yes, my gutters are falling off my house, when will you arrive? .....I mean THEY asked ME!!!!!

just sayn'

Can I take a moment and think about which one I want when the hostess says:

Have A Seat??

I mean there are bar stools and benches and wooden chairs with different color pads and upholstered pieces in the waiting area, wooden benches outside, garden tables with striped umbrellas.... gimme a damn minuite!!!

just sayn'

Play Doh
Fun to play with, not to eat!! image “” cannot be displayed, because it contains errors.
REALLY Hasbro?? WTF????

just sayn'

Reach for the stars!!!

I reach for everything,, What The Halibut,, I'm short....but OK,, we'll do it YOUR way!! (wait...can you reach them? Could ya hand me one?)

just sayn'

...if TODAY is the FIRST day of the REST of MY LIFE, why would I do anything?

Everybody knows nothing gets accomplished on the FIRST day of your life!! You just lay there, I'm going back to bed.

just sayn'

..if pork is "The OTHER white meat" shouldn't there be a third?

I mean really,, that's not a good position,the "other",, like a pathetic understudy meat. I demand a meat trifecta!!!!!!
(it's telling me "trifecta" is not a word, but it SOOOOOO sounds like a word, I will use it and take the penalty in the great boggle game of life)

just sayn'

What says YOU?????

Please enjoy this picture of a ,,,, ah hell,, I don't what you'd call it...:

The image “” cannot be displayed, because it contains errors.
Grandma's "Working People's Cozy"?
..and yes she IS sitting on a lace doily!

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

Philosophical Heart Warming Seductress Shiznit

I went to a Christian school for 7 years. This is why I am so angelic and sweet in my ways ( I know you've noticed!). At the school there was a huge old tree. It's branches were thick and reached out to hug the blue skies. The leaves fluttered like 10,000 butterflies disturbed into reckless flight in a flowered pasture. It had stood witness to so many things, flourishing in the diversity of the years. You could find a few names carved in it from years gone pass, a reminder of fledgling love, tattooed in nature.

Most of the upper class protected this tree and warned the younger classes against harming it in any way. We respected it's grandness and appreciated what it gave to us:

(and shade and history and air and yada- yada- yada- but mostly):


Thinking back now on that little school family, it was as it should be, older kids looking after the younger and everyone taking responsibility. At every break we lined up at the tree. The older boys took turns being "the pullers" and they always swung according to age and ability.

Now let me explain something about this tree swing to you.

It would NEVER be found in ANY schoolyard these days for safety reasons!

It was a very dangerous item to have around a bunch of adventure thirsty kids. It's rope was tied securely on a top branch so high you could barely see it. The branches were cleared for maximum height potential. It was a round red thick wood disk threaded with a huge rope and a few head sized knots for climbing up on and white knuckling for your life when the boy's felt you were old enough to fly.

And we did fly

We were smart enough to know the danger of a crooked or too strong whip of the swing. We were intuitive enough to know who could not handle the "power" pulls. We loved each other and protected each other from the certain death of dis-respecting this swings power.

There were invisible lines drawn in the dirt you knew not go pass when the swing was in operation. There were kids responsible for watching the youngsters (but no one was given specific tasks, it just got done). It was a well oiled event every time the bell rang.

That would not happen these days. people are too selfish. I really do feel we all watched the ones ON the swing and enjoyed their "flight" as much as our own.

Thinking back on it, I grew up a little each time I climbed on that red disc (and yes it WAS a climb). Feet with untied shoe laces dangling in the air of anticipation. Putting my face to the wind, hair freely mingling with rays of sunlight, the screams of my school family below me like music jumping off speakers.

It was a freedom I have not experienced in adult life. I wish I could go back and take a spin on that tree swing today. Let all these worries wash away in the wind, singing out the scream of a child, in the silent world of an adult.

Today, let's "fly" in our imaginations back to a moment as a child where "freedom" was first tasted. Let that sweet taste get us through this day with a smile and hope for many more moments of wonder to be experienced *as a child would* pure and full of magic.

And remember:

A moment of wonder is what you make it, it comes freely, it is not orchestrated with money, it happens when you let it, when you close your eyes and let it encompass you.

The little moments each day that define us

Take flight with me!

Monday, March 22, 2010

Oh, I HAVE found LOVE... the pickle aisle...
...and it is GOOD!!

Here's how it went down

You wanna hear about it? Of course you do! Here I go:

I was meandering down the hallowed corridors of my gangstally enhanced Winn Dixie, ever vigilant of stray bullets and aisle "fight club" demonstrations. Innocently, I passed by rows of products taped up completely (apparently packing tape detracts shoplifters here,, who knew? *shrugs*). I finally arrived safely to my beloved destination:

....................PICKLE AISLE.....................
(add harpsichord with dramatic flair here)

The heavens opened up and rays of light fell down accentuating the beauty of each individual jar of Green Olives. My brand, the words "Mt. Olive" jumping out at me, always reminds me of a Mountain I would like to --NAY-- a Mountain I NEED to traverse: The Mt. of Olive, certainly a grand place indeed!

I reached out with a smile and a sweet taste lingering in my mouth, one victorious grab later, I was fondling a jar bigger than my head (I have a small head, but it 'twas a BIG jar). Carefully, I two-hand the glass receptacle of Olivey goodness and place it safely in the "one wheel is jammed, damm'it" cart. **There will be no green olives sacrificed to the floor God's on this day, I would handle with care - assuring the jar is not dropped and each olive is protected from harm (until I get them home and ravage their little green bodies by sucking the pimento out).**

But a stray light from the heavens shone on a foreign product!!
(angelic singing helps with this visual,, do it ,, please,, because my blog is an interactive journey to the center of my insanity and it's a cool place to visit! Not so much to live tho..sigh)


What mystery befalls me?

I let out a sturdy:

"What the??"

.. and went in to investigate.

"Pickled..... Okra??????" I said softly, full of question and wonder.

"What the HALIBUT is PICKLED OKRA?" spoken, this time in questioning to children who had upturned noses and smart Alec responses like:

"I don't want to know!!!"
(courtesy of DramaGirl)


"It's a SIN, that's what it is!!!"
(MsDebates verbal love child)
See,,,even the lid says: "delicious and crisp"!

!!!!! YES !!!!!

I MUST traverse this new RELISH MOUNTAIN OFFERING illuminated from the generous PICKLE GOD'S!!!

A jar of PICKLED OKRA was then deftly placed next to the already specially chosen jar of sweet green olive surrender, to ride together in the "one wheel is jammed, damm'it" cart, to the freedom of the Seductress residence.

Later in the day I succumbed to it's beckoning.

I opened the jar of wondered anticipation and took in my first smell of the bounty before me.

Nervously, I plucked one stalk from the security it once knew as "home", to introduce it to a new dwelling place, a better dwelling place, where it would fulfill it's destiny to become my meal.

I ate one, then two, then a third as I sighed in relishy pleasure.

"Where have you been, my sweet relish and why did I travel this life for so long with out you?"

I have experienced the wonder and amazement that is:


....and it has changed my refrigerators mandatory item list FOREVER!!!!
(cue pounding music, for the dramatic end of post)

Please enjoy the "Pickle song": (because no one has made a "Pickled Okra" song or even a "Green Olive" dance! YouTube is festered with bastards of relish discrimination! I cry onto you, we must make a stand against it, together, we can enlighten millions with a viral vegetable video revolt. Ah hell, just enjoy the "pickle song" I am getting all activisty here):

Friday, March 19, 2010

Lovefest pics fixed!!

I don't get a chance to be alone often. Last night was one of those very rare nights, and what did I do?? I wrote a post about my kids. I know I should be out doing something far more exciting, like sabering beer bottles at a bar, or dancing on a table or a Lil' sunthin' sunthin' else...But really my life is right where it needs to be. And when there is silence in my house it's a creepy place to be (except I took a bath, and it was nice not having a kid sitting on the toilet for once, wink).

I want my kids to know how important they are as people and how amazing I think they are! So this post is for them! You can stick around too though because you were invited to this love fest party specifically for your sweetness and charm,, and not just because you are rich, can score beer and your parents are gone for the weekend,,, I swear.....You CAN get beer right? I mean I would still like you, but some of the other guy's might call you geeky you?????

Back to the love fest party already in progress:


You write beautifully, are stunning and nurturing and have great "make mommy spew drinks" comedic timing! I must brag on you now!!!
Here are two lines from a short story she is working on about a wolf romance:
......his eyes glistened and shined of fear he would never see me again.......
......When I saw her , I was in love at first sight, her black fur was pouring on white fur like black paint on a blank white canvas...
Momma's proud.....Momma's REALLY proud!!!


You are beautifully dramatic with a smile that lights up the world like a rainbow after a summer down pour. You say "People, let's all take a moment and bask in my AWESOMENESS" and then look to the sky in contemplation of the statement. Well, I have been basking since you were born. I have seen awesome, and it is you!

Wow, what can I say, I am enchanted by you! that means I think you are the most wonderful creation there is. And when you say "hands off the FAUX HAWK ladies!! It makes me rumble with laughter. Your hugs rock and you are a gift that I am not sure I deserve!!

Kaia Rose:

Please my dear sweet furbaby,, stop pooping in the direct path of foot traffic..Please...I promise to love you even if you do, but it would be a lot nicer if you did stop!.. Your wags make me smile AND you got the "Innocent" eyes thing down pat,, just like your human mommy!

Mommy Dreams and Realities

One day I pray, when I step in the shower
I don't step on a boat or a cute spraying flower
The counters aren't cluttered with 10,000 glasses
And I'm not being awakened to wipe little asses
The baskets aren't filled with that miniature garb
Every room is not littered with GI-Joe and friend barb.

But that means no cookies and milky moustaches
No little "I love yous" and great matchbox crashes
No he said or she said or "don't touch it, it's mine!"
No "I think I look ugly", no "I SWEAR you look fine"!
The cereal's all packed full of multi-grain fiber
No laughing at mom 'cause we know how to bribe her

In time there's no babies, not a toddler in sight
They'll grow and be gone and I'll sleep through the night
And I hope and I pray that I said the right things
And they all grow up happy with all that life brings
And I know that someday I will look back with a smile
And miss, the counters all cluttered and the clothes in a pile.

Love, Mommy

Thanks for coming to the lovefest party,, next time there will be clowns and animal attractions!!

Rock on!!!!!

Well,,,, I am happy to tell you I have been "pocketed". I know this makes no sense to you but here in Slocala where the tooth ratio's are low and the mullet count high and our official bird is the "snowbird", we are easily amused. There is a man at our local Walmart (gasp) that has been doing something for 4 years (or that's how the story goes).

I had never seen him but heard tale of him through the underground Slocala messenger system (my kids, they know everything). He is a bit like Ashton Kutcher and it is a bit like being "PUNK'D" when you are "chosen".

He is a wonderfully older man, a little bit eccentric in looks with eyes that tell the story of sailors romancing mermaids and living through pounding battles with the sea. He smells of cigars and newspapers and smiles as he acknowledges each passer by, passer-by-ing him. You know he is some one's father and grandfather. There are people that think he is a sage and some would deem him a hero but most would think he was "off".

Some people just have the air of greatness hidden by an appearance of what the world deems as insanity. I do not look at people in that way. I see through the eyes and the lines around them. I draw jealousy in those with deep cut smile lines because they have experienced much joy in life. I am working on my smile lines each day and I'll be damned if I'll ever Botox them.

But,,,, back to the story, it is a simple one as you will see, this grand verbal build-up I have penned may make you shake your head, but it is how I see it.

This is how the stint goes. He chooses you, he walks up to you, he sincerely looks at you with knowing eyes that beg to be trusted and says softly:

"excuse me ma'am, you dropped your pocket".

You look for your "pocket" (I exaggerated my search for him to feed upon) while he laughs that old man chuckle and explains:

"you can't DROP a pocket ma'am,, I'm sorry I just had to try and make you smile today, God Bless You!!!" and cringes for the reaction.

This is silly, really it is, and the normal busy mom would probably show exhaustion and frustration that he dared confiscate some of her precious time. But what if more people just enjoyed the little things like him? I mean he hasn't changed his shtick in 4 years! He obviously enjoys making people smile and reaps the benefits with his own.

The kids call him the "Legendary Pocket Dude" and hold up both hands showing the "rock on" gesture as they speak of him. I am sure there are people that go off on him everyday. But not me, I just wanted to hug him, and I did, and as I did I missed my dad, because he certainly would do something like this. And I thought of all the stories this man could sit and tell me and my kids, and I wished I could steal him and learn from him, and I wished more people WERE like him and more WOULD take the time to learn from him!

Rock on Legendary Walmart Pocket Dude,, Rock on!!!!!!!!!!

And thank you for choosing me!

Please enjoy this commercial......Hells yea!!!!!!

I wanna live in that "retirement" community!!!

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

Smiles,,,,, and lots of em

A line in my post from yesterday jumped out at me:

"Because you can't suck Jello through a straw without smiling"

I've said that many times before about the Jello,,,,, but,,,,

What else can't you do/see/experience WITHOUT smiling???

Here are some of mine......add your's please!!!

Hearing a baby belly laugh

While being barraged with puppy licks

Hugs-----( I heart hugs!!)

Seeing someone fall clumsily (evil to laugh,,,but...)

Jumping on a trampoline (except the time I jumped too far to the right, with no net, and broke my leg.....BUT......see above line for karma lesson 101)

When your toddler swears (and uses it in the right context,,, gasp)

Soda coming out ya nose, FROM laughing

Someone farts when they sneeze OR farts when they laugh (farts are ALWAYS funny
people,, they really are)

When someone is obviously holding back a fart and they "fartle" (whistle fart)

When you PASS by the a-hole that PASSED you by recklessly a mile back in his Lil' Red SC and he is handing an officer his drivers license and registration

When that gorgeous Blondie has a toilet paper streamer on her shoe (you really should tell her,,, laughing)

While eating mini-marshmallows (bonus points if you laugh sooo hard one turns into a flying projectile!)

While watching "The Office" (yep,,,,, that's what SHE said!!)

The first day you wear a slammin' new outfit

When someone steps in poop (bonus if they are barefoot and it squishes through their toes)

A bird poops on someones head in front of you (this ALWAYS happened to me in Charleston SC by the Battery with the biggest seagulls you ever saw,, it is awful,, but funny,, all that land around you and you have a head bulls eye thing going on!!)

When you been talking for 5 minutes from a bathroom stall and you realize your friend walked out 4 minutes ago

When you overhear your kid tell another kid how cool you are

The "HOT DOUGHNUTS" sign is flashing in red in the Krispy Creme window

You slice a pool ball impossibly paper thin into a corner pocket (bonus points if you are playing a cocky guy,, I myself always stop to parody the Vanilla Ice song "Ice Ice baby" with my own expertly choreographed version called "Slice Slice baby", it really is something you should see before you perish, it is THAT good!)

On a perfect hair day

On a fierce make-up day

On a perfect hair day + fierce make-up day

You find a kick ass necklace at one outlet *smile*,, few weeks later find the matching kick ass earrings **SMILE** and a month later find the matching kick ass bracelet ***SMILE***(bonus points for trilogy orgasm)

You took the last brownie (and it was an edge piece!)

You drive up right as someone is backing out of the PERFECT parking spot

The day after the perfect hair cut and it STILL looks good

The second realize you took an awesome drivers license picture (for once) and you are not sentenced to bad picture purgatory FOR YEARS!!

After eating the first Green Olive out of the jar (maybe this one is just me)

Immediately after the first kiss with someone amazing

While telling your friend about the first kiss with someone amazing

You see the "McRib is Back!!" sign

When the McRib is gone

Someone makes a nice comment on your post

2 for 1 anything

A bully gets beat up (if you smile--but then feel bad for them--you are a good person...wink)

You find money that you hid

You find money that SOMEONE ELSE hid

Flowers arrive from ?????????

????????? is :) ........(been a while but still in memory bank as :) worthy moment)

Someone you love does something great

Eating Oreo's and then going to the mean dental hygienist (laughing,, I mean really,,, WHO would do this???????)

Any time I hear DJ Jazzy Jeff's "It takes two" (because I know ALL the words and I'm fly like that!)

Any time I hear any AC/DC song (same reason as above only I'm rockin' like that!!)

I don't burn dinner (it's my stove I SWEAR)

T-shirt sheets come in rotation (*sigh*)

When all the kids are asleep and it is just me and the moon

The fact that you are still reading my non-sense and still like me a lil bit!!

Swish, Swish,,Swiiiiiiiirl...Swish, Swish,,Swiiiiiiirl!!!

Today is the perfect day for me to pledge my eternal love to :


I have made a HUGE vat of it.
(I went to Sam's)

I will lay said HUGE vat of

on a

with 2 thick width happy swirly flex straws.

One swirly happy straw will go to the Jello vat
(because you can't suck Jello through a straw without smiling)
and the other swirly happy straw will be going to a bottle of
Lemon-Lime Soda
(possibly Sprite but maybe Squirt *shrugs*).

I will simultaneously suck the straws so that the Jello and the Lemon-Lime Soda
(possibly Sprite but maybe Squirt *shrugs again*),
meld together in my mouth.
I will then make a
Swish, Swish,, Swiiiiiirl....Swish, Swish,, Swiiiiiiirl!!!!
sound effect while pushing the Jello through my teeth and it will taste like
of a
Lemony-Limey Love Child VOLCANO!!

After 8pm but before 9pm,
I will exchange the bottle of lemon-lime Soda
(possibly Sprite but maybe Squirt *see above shoulder movement please*)
with a full bottle of
Lemon infused Vodka.

After 9pm but before 10pm,
I will be sick of Green Jello but not sick of
Lemon infused Vodka.

After 10pm but before 12pm
I will have passed out in my Jello vat while trying to
make Shamrock Jello Angels
(similar to Snow Angels, but shotty alcohol induced renderings -at best)

After 5am but before 6am
I will have awakened from my

St. Patrick's Day extravaganza
only to realize
that I have been tinted green
I am stuck to the bottom of the Jello vat decorated with
Shotty Shamrock Jello Angels
(at best)

I will then shake my head and say something deep like:

"I'm so silly, I should have swam in Absinthe!!!"
and take a long shower.


*none of this is really going to happen, unless you come over to babysit. please. I heart Green Jello!

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

"It's not a Tuma"

You were supposed to say that like Arnold Schwarzenegger in "Kindergarten Cop" by the way...

But I do think I am dieing. I have had a Migraine for two days now. If my dad were around he would say "did you poop?". That was his cure for everything, somehow pooping made all his ailments better, that and whistling. *shrugs*

When I get stricken down with Migraines I take the time to think back on the last few days. Surely I did something that pissed God off because that is the only excuse to inflict this on a person. But I couldn't think of anything. I have been tirelessly Angelic in my comings and goings lately. So much so that when my daughter took a picture of me,,, my halo showed up,,, see:

..and that's rare people, God normally hides me from the heathens for fear of them grabbing my robe and disheveling my sparkling white wings.. And also because sometimes the Angelic music that plays from the heavens around me disrupts cell phone reception and he may want to order a pizza.

So this must be from a previous indiscretion, there's been a few of them in my past, like USING the address labels sent in the letter for a charitable organization and not donating to the charity....(that's just wrong, holding head down).

That's GOT to be it! There couldn't be anything else.

Please enjoy a sampling of the type of heavenly music that plays when I am around: can wake up's over.....Smoochies from the sweetest of Angels you know (cough)

Monday, March 15, 2010

Retro Seductress..because I am sick.. :(

This was a post I did last year that popped up in my head because I followed the same truck yesterday and felt the Deja bug biting on my neck....maybe that's why I am sick today...*shrugs*. Anyways I hope you enjoy it because I heart you and your quirky habits and I wouldn't nag you if you left toenail clippings on my sink or drank straight out of my milk carton while standing in front of the fridge at 2Am wearing tube socks and a Tu-Tu (you strange little bird you!!).

I'll see you tomorrow full of teenage angst..

Please enjoy this picture of Dwayne Johnson (he wears Tu-Tu's):
(you're welcome!!)

Now back to my regularly scheduled post-already in session:

Which one are you??????
Re-post From 10/19/09

I followed a Lazyboy furniture truck for about thirty minutes today. As my mind often does it wandered to a distant land of singing, sparkles and L-O-V-E!!!! Not sure what I mean??? Well here's a written visual for ya (ha, see how I did that...written visual,, I'm a tricky one!):

-----truck,,,,, truck,,,,, furniture,,,,,, he-EY,,,, I likey-likey that chair,, hmmmmmm,, chair,,my house stat,, gee I wonder if truck driver is cute,, (rear view glance,, smile),, I look alright,, uh HULLLOOOO,,,, LIP GLOSS,, (pucker,, smack,,apply lip gloss..... lick teeth to removing stray lip gloss remnants),,OK now,, (smile!!),, truck,, truck........HEY!!!!!!!! WHAT THE HALIBUT?????? What are they trying to say,,,, uh,,, RUUUDE,,, I'm hungry!!!

****Thank you for joining me on this short episode of "The Invisible Seductress Sporadic Thought Bonus Edition" Join us next time when the Seductress sees ANOTHER random object and totally ignores her driving responsibilities ONCE again!!****
(Side note: The lip gloss was totally justified in this situation,, don't judge me)

So,, what was I upset about you ask (confident that I will share because I can't stop blogging for you and because I love you so much I want to personally feed you Circus Peanuts,,,,, what??? I do,, really!!)???

You DID ask didn't you??? Of course you did!! Here you go:

What you can't see in the picture (that I almost killed myself to take for you) is the written part of the advertisement. Above the first chair it says "BLONDE" the second "BRUNETTE" and the third,, (yes you are soooo smart ****GOLDSTAR****) "RED HEAD" (my personal favorite, not sure why,, flipping Auburn hair, winking right at YOU!!).

This bothered me because if you scrutinize at the ad you notice things, at least I do because I have issues (the first step is admitting).

The "BLONDE" chair and the "RED HEAD" chair are both so unique and nimble. They are fun fabric pleasure portals. Sexy thin seats, smooth lines, cool contemporary colors and ACTION!!! (yes ACTION!!!)....Hours of fun and relaxation there -AND- you can "switch it up" with the flick of the wrist. Legs in -- OK,,,, hey "BLONDE", hook me up!!!!! Legs out-- well hello there "RED HEAD"!!! Thank you for the consideration, I love you!!

Where does that leave "BRUNETTE"???

Poor squat short stubby legged thick seated "BRUNETTE". Now some would argue (even I would have to agree) for that nice homey touch "BRUNETTE's" your seat. She's got that "eat a whole meatloaf with ketchup on top" look. Her feel is comfortable, expected, ordinary and trustworthy. Where she misses the boat is action, adventure and accommodations of chair comfort-nessy-ish-ness (yea, sure, you can use it in Boggle,, you're welcome AGAIN,, geesh,, needy).

You just kind of park yourself and ponder....Hmmmmmm,, wonder what she'll do next (nothing,, great,, meatloaf again??... sigh)...The other gals are exciting and feisty. Oh poor "BRUNETTE"! (I actually own her cousin, the "LOVE" seat,,, bow chica bow bow,,, he's naughty and BOTH sides kick out,,,,,,suki suki now!!!)

So could this be a metaphor you ask. What are you trying to say Invisible???

Nah,, this ain't no metaphor!!!! I'm just a simple chair activist and think "BRUNETTE" got the short end of the advertisement stick. You go where you want with it. My mind is spent..