Tuesday, December 31, 2013

*TIS's Exclusive interview with Happy, the outspoken star from "Rudolph's Shiny New Year"*


Part One

"Helping Happy Dig Through the Bitterness"

I decided to call Happy, the New Year Baby to see if he would do an interview with me to tell my readers what might be in store for us in 2014.

I hear he has seen it all since his "inception" in 1976.

He agreed!! But only after some of his demands were met.

First he had me extract the pimento from a jumbo jar of green olives. When I asked why I couldn't just buy a jar WITHOUT pimentos, he said because he likes the "residual" pimento flavor that is left after the extraction is complete.

And then I was instructed to add an "e" with edible ink behind ALL of the "M's" from two bags of specially ordered "yellow only" M&M's  (to match his golden locks of course,,,, who knew he was that narcissistic?)!

And then, after that....

Happy came in like,,, wait for it,,, like The Times Square ball!!!

Baby new year

*the crowd giggles and then whispers are heard through the studio*

{{{{those ears, those ears!!}}}}

Me: Good evening Happy!! I am so glad you decided to talk with me in this your busiest of seasons!

Happy: Well, in case you didn't notice,,, Invisible Seductress,,, whom I CAN SEE,,, this is my ONLY season! Because, according to my doctor, I have "failed to thrive". So now,,,, I have a lifelong membership to "Gymboree", "Stride Rite" ~ AND ~ "The Hardcore Vodka of the Month Club" for those days when I can't stop thinking about my life as a 38 year old MAN BABY!

Me: Uh, um,,,, well at least Stride Rite's shoes rock!! With those little bell shoestring keeper things, sooooooo cute...


*Happy stares into the rafters*

Me: Here Happy, have a few specially ordered yellow Me's.

*Happy snort-laughs as I look on awkwardly*

Happy: *screams* EAT ME!!

Me: Ok Happy. I'm glad you found the comedy in that. But seriously, let's talk about 2014 and your Holiday special that is coming on TV in a day or so. Did you know WAY back in 1976 how popular your character would be?

Happy: You mean the special that can ONLY be seen on ABC Family? The one I don't get any royalties from that stars a mega-successful, multi-millionaire, 40 watt reindeer and ME,,, in the role I have been type casted in EVER since??

*Happy drops a handfull of pimento-less green olives in a bottle of Vodka and starts Twerking hard enough to lose his diaper*

Me: Happy do you have an agent that helps with this sort of, um, mess? Never mind, let us move on now. May I ask you some questions please? So what do you see happening in MY love life?

*I scooch to the edge of my seat*

Happy: Aren't you seeing that dancing and talking "Dave the Minion" toy you got for your kid this Christmas?

Me: Maybe. We just met.

Happy: So you broke up with Cleverbot?

Me: He was getting too wordy.

Happy: And I assume that you ALSO have broken it off with the "instant chat" doctor on WebMd ..

Me: He kept asking me about rashes and bowel movements and that's NOT very sexy!

Happy: It is if we're talking about YOURS!!!!

*Happy scooches to the edge of his seat*

Me: Eww

Happy: I see. But you DO realize that Dave is NOT real and he will only ever respond to you in gibberish and then only AFTER you squeeze him in the RIGHT spot or yell at him??

Me: Yes. But aren't ALL guys like that Happy???

Happy: Touche Seductress. Touche...

*Happy burps his ABC's*

Me: I am looking for something REAL for 2014, you know, meaningful and heaven sent.

Happy: Well Seductress, I bring good news!!!! I DO see you in a long term relationship in 2014 with a very dapper gentleman that praises you all the time.

happy baby new year


Happy: Really, really!

Me: That's AWESOME!!!

Happy: And you will work VERY hard at each level of your blossoming relationship, but in the end, you'll find that it is ALL worth it!

*Tears fall down my cheeks as I channel my "inner" Diana Ross and start to hum "Endless Love"*

Happy: He thinks you are sweet AND tasty!!

*I blush*

Happy: You will question if your relationship will last, but with every other move you make, he calls you DIVINE and showers you with favor!!

Me: You are talking about the guy in "Candy Crush" aren't you Happy?

Happy: Yes I am.

Me: You are kind of an asshole Happy!!

Happy: Yes I am.

And this is where the first half of my riveting interview with Happy, the New Year baby concludes as I duct tape him and his freakishly large ears into his Top Hat and let my cat bat him around the room for a bit.

Be sure to tune into part two where we find out which Victoria's Secret model he is rocking through the new year with.

Saturday, November 2, 2013

My birthday is coming up in the next few weeks. I am VERY excited.

Not that I should be tho...

 Financially I am in shambles, I have no beau (Sadly,you can tell how old/lame I am because I just said "Beau". No "cool" person refers to a man as her "Beau"...)!!

 And also..

I already have the kittens for my "crazy cat lady" persona, so I have nothing more to look forward to!

I have also found I have the sudden urge to crochet. This urge is intensified by the belief that every toilet paper roll that is not already on a toilet paper dispensing system needs to be immediately covered/protected by the elements with the grand crochet gown of a generic Barbie wannabe doll!!

FYI,,, toilet paper cozies are a respectable number "2" on my expansive list I call:


#1. The Coveted Toaster Cozy  


#2. "Barbie" Toilet Paper Cozy
(Yours is in the mail)

 I must admit however, that I DID imagine my life would be different than it is now in the tail end of my 42nd year of life.

As a child my mind was even more whacked out than it is now. I know that may sound scary but I quite like the fact that I am a textbook example of a whimsically charged sexy beast of ramped insanity (no textbooks were actually referenced in the making of this blog post).

I believed in fairy tales and that Unicorns fart brightly hued bubbles that transform into Skittles and then unite together to grace the earth with double rainbows.

But there was also something even more wonderful that I knew would eventually change my life FOREVER!!

When I was growing up, all of the "B" rated movies included a badly coiffed and painfully clueless kid that finds out on their 13th birthday that they are ACTUALLY a Mermaid??!!

They wake up sprouting iridescent gills and multicolor sprigs of flowing Mermaidian hair et all... The resentment to their parents for keeping the secret comes later,, after their boyfriend dumps them,,, but quickly subsides when they master their powers to become the most popular kid in school( and then they quickly dis their only "true" friend for said popularity).

I loved these movies because at sometime in the movie there is a very dramatic and under utilized "slow clap" scene. When the tempo of the clap gets louder and more rousing than ever expected, I always shed a tear or three.

At age 12 I spent a lot of time dreaming that something of that nature would happen to me. I  prayed that I would wake up with a sprig of seaweed in my hair eluding to the fact that in a other worldly sub state of sleep, a hypnotic, magical adventure was had. I visualized that after my mousy brown hair rapidly turns blond, I fashion and sell enchanted jewelry out of the hundreds of stunning iridescent  Mermaid scales I shed each day and become wealthy beyond my wildest dreams!

Obviously that never happened 
but I started thinking

and thinking

year after year

until I finally figured it out!!


Do you wanna hear about it? 

Of course you, here I go...

This is the year it WILL finally happen!!

And it is my LAST chance!

Below is the equation that helped me figure the exact time that my transition into an  other worldly creature would commence.

It is 4 decades after my 13th year the year is 2013


X+Bx13 to the 5th power+10-2= Apple Pie filling cooked in a Spam crust!

But also,,,, THIS IS THE YEAR OF MY TRANSFORMATION!! (I think the top ranks of  the higher educated thinking league used the Apple Pie and Spam thing to throw me off. They failed. I'm on to them.)

I surmise that "43" is the year that I will slowly start to become an awe strikingly beautiful, luminescent, sparkling and ever so wise mythical being. You all will be SO proud of the fact that you knew me BEFORE my GRAND transition that you will brag to everyone you meet and friend request me to the point of obsession on My Mythical Life.com. I WOULD accept your request, but I would also let the Mythical security force know that you are a creepy stalker type so that Cyclops will keep his bulbous eye on you and a Minotaur (who is also madly in love with me) will alert the Centaurs of the need to watch you in your sleep to make sure that you don't dream about me without paying a small fee for that pleasure (FYI, we take MasterCard, Visa and Sephora gift cards as payment).

I will also have contests on my Mythical profile page because I know you all would want to win lunch boxes and coozies adorned with a grandly extravagant yet sweetly humble hi-def images of me and one of my wildly inspirational yet brilliantly vague quotes.

But so far, the only really "foreign" thing that has sprouted is one rogue whisker type hair growth under my chin (that I plucked whilst staring at the sky and cursing the Gods of aging). This makes me feel less sexy than any woman  of my advanced age SHOULD feel (Especially before turning into a mythical creature soon to be lusted over by masses of Mythical creature fetish clubs).

I  have  also started to find sprigs of magical silvery white hair being slowly and expertly mixed into my flowing locks to make the transition gradually (so that my appearance does not garner world wide attention too quickly). My hairdresser says I am growing older and should expect some grey hair to start showing up,,, but she doesn't even believe in Unicorns so her intelligence is obviously lacking refinement.

I have been so perplexed that I had an expert in imagined mythical transformations study that rogue chin whisker.

I just received the results in the form of a 250 page thesis. I was informed that this was NOT merely a rogue whisker at all!!!

The hair,,, under further investigation,,, meant that I was NOT actually transforming into a Mermaid OR a Unicorn OR a Minotaur.....

 I am actually transforming into a seductive Greek Mythological...



I'm OK with that! 

 I'll just have to buy waterproof sparkles!

Saturday, July 6, 2013

I have a disease.

This is a post about a trip I took a few years back. I drove to Savannah. For someone that has really never driven long distances too often this was a doozy. It was only about 5 hours- cake to the normal person- but- I am not normal (you knew that already, right?). I planned the journey. Map-quested the location and painstakingly wrote down every detail about the journey that I could. I made the kids clean the car because it looked like Geoffrey the over excitable Toys-R-Us giraffe threw up on the floor boards,,,, and then we were off. Things went pretty smooth and I was impressed with myself. My lifelong mental disability of being severely directionally impaired only showed its evil head a few times. But I have Mazeophobia. And I have Mazeophobia-BAD!!

This is not just a cool word I made up because I want you to be impressed with my verbal prowess (and yet you STILL are, right?), this is a real phobia, and I are it. Mazeophobia is the fear of getting lost while driving. Basically what happens when I get even the slightest tinge of "lost" I start rapid breathing, then, I do the opposite of normal, (which would be to slow down) I speed up---- because I want to become "found" FASTER!! Uh-huh-makes sense now doesn't it? I become that little girl who got lost in Walmart and is standing at a register crying (the one that gets hugged in the store-then beat in the parking lot). I make sobbing snot-bubbles with sparkle accents look hella sexy. In the song Amazing Grace when "they once were lost and now they are found" --- BEAUTIFUL!!! I'm all teary now!!

But there were only a few times that this happened.

I also cry when I see dead animals on the road. Because it is sad. We saw a dead whitetail deer and my daughter wanted me to turn around on the interstate to drag it to the wooded area and bury it. She did not care that it was HA-uge or that we did not have a shovel-it was the principle of the matter and the deer deserved to be buried. I did agree but still, a 4'11" woman dragging a 5" dear off a four lane highway seemed impossible.

But she said:

"What happened to you?" (in a disgusted judgy way)

"You used to save every animal, and now,, you just ignore it like everybody else!"

"Well, DramaGirl" (lest we NOT forget where she got her nickname from) "I can't really save an animal that is already gone."

Tears flowed...Then we said a prayer for the deer instead of wrangling it.

And then we saw a dairy queen sign and I sold my soul for a dilly bar!

  I went to Tampa recently to take the kids to the Mosi science museum. I was reminded of the severe Mazeophobia I suffer with once again. I'll have to tell you that story another time. It ended with a 6ft  MOSI souvenier pixie stick or "kiddie crack" as I like to call it. Not my best parenting decision but I blame the Mazeophobia and the "off-brand" Spam poisoning. *shivvers*

Saturday, September 1, 2012

" Words With Birds", A story for your kids...

I wrote a little story to read to my 1st grade son to hype him up about going back to school. I hope you enjoy!! The picture took me forever or I would have illustrated the whole story. Maybe some talented (handsome, single) illustrator will contact me and offer their assistance!!


In a little spot of a rain forest called Sweet-lil-o-lee, past the crystal blue ponds and the crooked palm
trees,,, lives a family of sweet, happy tropical birds,,, who think they have learned some of our human words!!!!

There's one who's just sitting saying "I'm on a run!" and another who is sobbing but claims "This is SOOOOOO fun!!!!"

One keeps saying "COW" but then "BAAAAAAAA'S" like a sheep! That bright one is dancing, but yells "I'm asleep!!!"

Sunni claims she's a crocodile, but we know she's a bird!!! And when she thinks she is SCREAMING only whispers are heard!!!

Zeb swears he is painting as he breaks out in song!!!!! These birds THINK they make sense,,, but they're TERRIBLY wrong!!!!

And here comes the leader,,, but he thinks he is corn!!! He picks up a coconut to blow like a horn!!!

He tries to call for a meeting, but instead he screams "HOUSE"!!! He taps on a microphone which he then calls a mouse.

"This house is important!!" he says with a grin, "We're going to Mars,,, let the swimming begin!!!"

But what is this bird saying??? Does Mars have a pool???

Nah,,,,,,, By "swimming" he meant learning!!! And by "Mars" he means school!!!

The Bacon

(I mean "The End")

Monday, July 16, 2012

Someone is listening....

Look up to the sun and notice that it hasn't stopped shining on you. The shadows will pass you by. The warmth on your nose and shoulders is there to make you remember that you are alive. If there were no shadows, you would never notice the soft touch of each sunbeam, formed just for you.

If the stars seem hidden tonight, they are only recharging for the next battle you have to fight. They will come out shining brighter than you have ever seen, shooting through the darkness, following each whispered dream, sparkling and waving to you. Let them speak, count each one from time to time with a thankful heart. Whisper dreams to them, they will listen.

White is falling now, it seems so beautiful at first, until it doesn't stop, burying your hopes for warmth. Notice that lone sparrow, digging through the glistening mounds, he finds a seed and waddles away to enjoy it. He sings in the brutal cold, sharing a sweet celebration for that one small offering. How much stronger should your songs be, with all you have been given? Throw seeds in the snow for all that you have, hear the true songs of happiness again.

The howling winds you notice picking up in your world, came to take away the pain you feel. Hold your hands up and twirl in it like a child. Let go. Hurt, like the burnt amber leaves of fall, will float away in time. New joy will eventually bloom and fill your heart once more.

Waves crashing on the beach seem detrimental to you now. White capped and angry, welling up and crashing when you crave stillness. But always walk patiently on the shore, picking up the jewels life has left. Perfectly painted treasure box shells with the secrets of the sea hidden inside them await to capture your fascination. Rejoice for each pearl of wisdom and acceptance, created just for you to cherish. Don't step over them in hurry.

The volcano erupts in a fiery rage, a temper tantrum staged when the elements are not lined up exactly as planned. Spewing the lava that will forever change the landscape as it escapes and cools. When it finally rests, its beauty is evident and marveled over. Without the fight, it would have died out and lost its passion.

The battle awakens you and teaches us to celebrate life.

Wednesday, July 11, 2012

Drop it like it's HAWT!

Always. Seems things are always falling around me. I am the epicenter of my own clutzy universe. Last night I took a trip. I got up at 2:30Am to check on my son. One of my delicate feet slipped on a board book about the dinosaurs, the T-rex on the cover stared up at me whilst muffling his laughter and trying to cover his mouth to no avail because of his tiny flailing appendages. It was very scary. I was however impressed with my one footed carpet surfing excursion until the other foot met the the metal bed rail. They were not very friendly to each other and as I lay in a fetal position holding my throbbing toe, I cursed (but in a sexy sweet way acceptable by all FCC regulations). My son lay snoring, taunting my pain.

Now I am walking hunched over because AFTER I realized the pain in my throbbing toe was lessoning, I moved to get up and CRACKWALBASH.... I threw my back out AND simultaneously farted. My wails of pain did not wake my son up, but the fart apparently did. He proclaimed it as "gross" and laughed before falling back to sleep, or maybe it was a dream (at least that is what I will tell him, come on, what mom comes in your room and wakes you with a fart? Inconceivable).

Now seriously, if I throw my back out I want to have the words: "because of the Earth rattling sex" in the same freaking paragraph, wouldn't you?

But such is not my life.

I don't feel sexy walking around like this at all. So I put on a moo-moo dress that is heavily intoxicated with flowers, rubbed on some "extreme" Ben-gay and a wide brimmed hat. No one knows I am not 95. It's a clever cover. But now I have found that my goal has shifted from making it a "clever cover-up outfit" to seeing if the door greeter at Wall-to-the-mart will ask me out.

"Yes, hello kind silver haired sir, I WOULD like a cart,,,, meow".

I would do him in the Flip-Flop aisle in case you were wondering.

And then my back would be cured because of the Earth rattling, Flip-Flop slapping, Wall-to-the-mart silver haired greeter sex.

Yep. That sounds better!

Saturday, July 7, 2012

The George Foreman Grill Theory...well not really....

I had a mad craving for steak. FYI, being a poor person and steak don't blend well. I NEVER get steak. "This weekend would be different!!!" I claimed as I drove to Publix for my weekly Ramen noodle jaunt. I shall have my steak and eat it too! (I actually added "damn it" for effect in real life, but left it out here because I know you revere my angelic side so much).

But,,,,,, I WOULD have steak tonight!


It sounded hopeful, right?

I scoured the meat aisle for a "cost friendly" cut of steak. I looked around for someone with 1,002 bottles of mustard and 52 boxes of denture cream in their cart to help me out with a coupon, to no avail.

I perked my boobs up and searched for a cute "meat-man", but they were all otherwise engaged.

I was on my own.

I came across "mock" steak which was perfectly red and marbled,,,, and cheap. Very cheap. It tickled my fancy and I cradled it softly as I added it to my shiny, one wheel squealing cart. I sang "feelings" to it to tenderize it.

The "steak" sucked. But as the title points out, this post is NOT about that steak (or is it), but it's really NOT about George Foreman either. Although I assume he is a nice man... It is really not even about the grill! But the grill is my gateway for the post, so here goes.

You see I have a long history with the GF grill. I love it. Mine is very old and bulky and always sparks at me as I unplug it (asshole). I hear they come in shiny red with a bun warmer now and I dream of the day I own that magnificent creature! I got mine from an ex-boyfriend. Best thing he ever left me.

And there is my gateway, clever tain't it?

Every time I use that grill I think of him. The memories flush back and overflow with crap like a toilet on the fritz. It is really hard to enjoy any food after I cook it on that grill, but I try. He was hotter than a dime in the sun on a Pheonix highway. He was the first relationship after my divorce. But he had issues, as we all do.

I took something valuable away from that relationship as I did with all that I have had (which actually are very few). One guy left a DVD player years ago before I was even married. AC/DC t-shirts from another, this computer from someone I dated all of 3 dates (parting gift I assume as I found out the creep was still married). I had a bottle of "Axe" body wash in my shower for months after a break up (Because it smells so damn good and I am pathetic like that when it comes to all things olfactory).

But more than worldly items, an insight to who I am and where I need to go.

I have been alone for quite sometime (1902) because I have not in any way shape or form put myself out there. But also I assume because of my health and financial issues and definately because I spend most of my time with my kids. I wonder when "my" time will come and am sick of people asking "what's wrong with you girlfriend?" as I seem to be the only single person left in the world.

People feel sorry for you if you are alone. I do not want to be set up with the busboy at I-hop thank you very little. Do you assume that is as high as I can dream to net as a boyfriend? The pancake benefits would be nice though.

The other day a VERY young Indian man asked me out. But,,, he said "nothing official" in the request and I still ponder what that meant and also he smelled like an incense stick (but that kind of turned me on, see also "Axe" paragraph above for a point of reference).

Later that same day a gentleman I had helped at my job a year ago came in. He was visiting the town again and said he made a "special" trip to see if I was still working there. He asked me to go to Jacksonville with him to "get away". I don't know if it was "official" or not. He will not be called.

I really am not sure if I am ready for any of this yet. Still. Even after all of these years. I think I am though.. Am I weird for that? Is it strange that I started to stutter like the cheeto's cat when propositioned? Aye-eee-aye-eee-aye--- It's not easy being cheezy.....Is that sexy? One FB friend said yes!! :)

Cheetos Chester Pictures, Images and Photos

I am not sure when the "weird crocheting catlady down the street" age starts, but I think I have a few years left. In the mean time, pretzel-boy at the mall suggestions from you will be accepted and ridiculed at my discretion, although he was a cute piece of spam I must admit.......

Because I will no longer accept "mock steak" to compensate for the real thing!!!

Ahhhhh.... the steak WAS a metaphor!!!

I am brilliant really....