Saturday, September 1, 2012

" Words With Birds", A story for your kids...

I wrote a little story to read to my 1st grade son to hype him up about going back to school. I hope you enjoy!! The picture took me forever or I would have illustrated the whole story. Maybe some talented (handsome, single) illustrator will contact me and offer their assistance!!

In a little spot of a rain forest called Sweet-lil-o-lee, past the crystal blue ponds and the crooked palm
trees,,, lives a family of sweet, happy tropical birds,,, who think they have learned some of our human words!!!!

There's one who's just sitting saying "I'm on a run!" and another who is sobbing but claims "This is SOOOOOO fun!!!!"

One keeps saying "COW" but then "BAAAAAAAA'S" like a sheep! That bright one is dancing, but yells "I'm asleep!!!"

Sunni claims she's a crocodile, but we know she's a bird!!! And when she thinks she is SCREAMING only whispers are heard!!!

Zeb swears he is painting as he breaks out in song!!!!! These birds THINK they make sense,,, but they're TERRIBLY wrong!!!!

And here comes the leader,,, but he thinks he is corn!!! He picks up a coconut to blow like a horn!!!

He tries to call for a meeting, but instead he screams "HOUSE"!!! He taps on a microphone which he then calls a mouse.

"This house is important!!" he says with a grin, "We're going to Mars,,, let the swimming begin!!!"

But what is this bird saying??? Does Mars have a pool???

Nah,,,,,,, By "swimming" he meant learning!!! And by "Mars" he means school!!!

The Bacon

(I mean "The End")

Monday, July 16, 2012

Someone is listening....

Look up to the sun and notice that it hasn't stopped shining on you. The shadows will pass you by. The warmth on your nose and shoulders is there to make you remember that you are alive. If there were no shadows, you would never notice the soft touch of each sunbeam, formed just for you.

If the stars seem hidden tonight, they are only recharging for the next battle you have to fight. They will come out shining brighter than you have ever seen, shooting through the darkness, following each whispered dream, sparkling and waving to you. Let them speak, count each one from time to time with a thankful heart. Whisper dreams to them, they will listen.

White is falling now, it seems so beautiful at first, until it doesn't stop, burying your hopes for warmth. Notice that lone sparrow, digging through the glistening mounds, he finds a seed and waddles away to enjoy it. He sings in the brutal cold, sharing a sweet celebration for that one small offering. How much stronger should your songs be, with all you have been given? Throw seeds in the snow for all that you have, hear the true songs of happiness again.

The howling winds you notice picking up in your world, came to take away the pain you feel. Hold your hands up and twirl in it like a child. Let go. Hurt, like the burnt amber leaves of fall, will float away in time. New joy will eventually bloom and fill your heart once more.

Waves crashing on the beach seem detrimental to you now. White capped and angry, welling up and crashing when you crave stillness. But always walk patiently on the shore, picking up the jewels life has left. Perfectly painted treasure box shells with the secrets of the sea hidden inside them await to capture your fascination. Rejoice for each pearl of wisdom and acceptance, created just for you to cherish. Don't step over them in hurry.

The volcano erupts in a fiery rage, a temper tantrum staged when the elements are not lined up exactly as planned. Spewing the lava that will forever change the landscape as it escapes and cools. When it finally rests, its beauty is evident and marveled over. Without the fight, it would have died out and lost its passion.

The battle awakens you and teaches us to celebrate life.

Wednesday, July 11, 2012

Drop it like it's HAWT!

Always. Seems things are always falling around me. I am the epicenter of my own clutzy universe. Last night I took a trip. I got up at 2:30Am to check on my son. One of my delicate feet slipped on a board book about the dinosaurs, the T-rex on the cover stared up at me whilst muffling his laughter and trying to cover his mouth to no avail because of his tiny flailing appendages. It was very scary. I was however impressed with my one footed carpet surfing excursion until the other foot met the the metal bed rail. They were not very friendly to each other and as I lay in a fetal position holding my throbbing toe, I cursed (but in a sexy sweet way acceptable by all FCC regulations). My son lay snoring, taunting my pain.

Now I am walking hunched over because AFTER I realized the pain in my throbbing toe was lessoning, I moved to get up and CRACKWALBASH.... I threw my back out AND simultaneously farted. My wails of pain did not wake my son up, but the fart apparently did. He proclaimed it as "gross" and laughed before falling back to sleep, or maybe it was a dream (at least that is what I will tell him, come on, what mom comes in your room and wakes you with a fart? Inconceivable).

Now seriously, if I throw my back out I want to have the words: "because of the Earth rattling sex" in the same freaking paragraph, wouldn't you?

But such is not my life.

I don't feel sexy walking around like this at all. So I put on a moo-moo dress that is heavily intoxicated with flowers, rubbed on some "extreme" Ben-gay and a wide brimmed hat. No one knows I am not 95. It's a clever cover. But now I have found that my goal has shifted from making it a "clever cover-up outfit" to seeing if the door greeter at Wall-to-the-mart will ask me out.

"Yes, hello kind silver haired sir, I WOULD like a cart,,,, meow".

I would do him in the Flip-Flop aisle in case you were wondering.

And then my back would be cured because of the Earth rattling, Flip-Flop slapping, Wall-to-the-mart silver haired greeter sex.

Yep. That sounds better!

Saturday, July 7, 2012

The George Foreman Grill Theory...well not really....

I had a mad craving for steak. FYI, being a poor person and steak don't blend well. I NEVER get steak. "This weekend would be different!!!" I claimed as I drove to Publix for my weekly Ramen noodle jaunt. I shall have my steak and eat it too! (I actually added "damn it" for effect in real life, but left it out here because I know you revere my angelic side so much).

But,,,,,, I WOULD have steak tonight!


It sounded hopeful, right?

I scoured the meat aisle for a "cost friendly" cut of steak. I looked around for someone with 1,002 bottles of mustard and 52 boxes of denture cream in their cart to help me out with a coupon, to no avail.

I perked my boobs up and searched for a cute "meat-man", but they were all otherwise engaged.

I was on my own.

I came across "mock" steak which was perfectly red and marbled,,,, and cheap. Very cheap. It tickled my fancy and I cradled it softly as I added it to my shiny, one wheel squealing cart. I sang "feelings" to it to tenderize it.

The "steak" sucked. But as the title points out, this post is NOT about that steak (or is it), but it's really NOT about George Foreman either. Although I assume he is a nice man... It is really not even about the grill! But the grill is my gateway for the post, so here goes.

You see I have a long history with the GF grill. I love it. Mine is very old and bulky and always sparks at me as I unplug it (asshole). I hear they come in shiny red with a bun warmer now and I dream of the day I own that magnificent creature! I got mine from an ex-boyfriend. Best thing he ever left me.

And there is my gateway, clever tain't it?

Every time I use that grill I think of him. The memories flush back and overflow with crap like a toilet on the fritz. It is really hard to enjoy any food after I cook it on that grill, but I try. He was hotter than a dime in the sun on a Pheonix highway. He was the first relationship after my divorce. But he had issues, as we all do.

I took something valuable away from that relationship as I did with all that I have had (which actually are very few). One guy left a DVD player years ago before I was even married. AC/DC t-shirts from another, this computer from someone I dated all of 3 dates (parting gift I assume as I found out the creep was still married). I had a bottle of "Axe" body wash in my shower for months after a break up (Because it smells so damn good and I am pathetic like that when it comes to all things olfactory).

But more than worldly items, an insight to who I am and where I need to go.

I have been alone for quite sometime (1902) because I have not in any way shape or form put myself out there. But also I assume because of my health and financial issues and definately because I spend most of my time with my kids. I wonder when "my" time will come and am sick of people asking "what's wrong with you girlfriend?" as I seem to be the only single person left in the world.

People feel sorry for you if you are alone. I do not want to be set up with the busboy at I-hop thank you very little. Do you assume that is as high as I can dream to net as a boyfriend? The pancake benefits would be nice though.

The other day a VERY young Indian man asked me out. But,,, he said "nothing official" in the request and I still ponder what that meant and also he smelled like an incense stick (but that kind of turned me on, see also "Axe" paragraph above for a point of reference).

Later that same day a gentleman I had helped at my job a year ago came in. He was visiting the town again and said he made a "special" trip to see if I was still working there. He asked me to go to Jacksonville with him to "get away". I don't know if it was "official" or not. He will not be called.

I really am not sure if I am ready for any of this yet. Still. Even after all of these years. I think I am though.. Am I weird for that? Is it strange that I started to stutter like the cheeto's cat when propositioned? Aye-eee-aye-eee-aye--- It's not easy being cheezy.....Is that sexy? One FB friend said yes!! :)

Cheetos Chester Pictures, Images and Photos

I am not sure when the "weird crocheting catlady down the street" age starts, but I think I have a few years left. In the mean time, pretzel-boy at the mall suggestions from you will be accepted and ridiculed at my discretion, although he was a cute piece of spam I must admit.......

Because I will no longer accept "mock steak" to compensate for the real thing!!!

Ahhhhh.... the steak WAS a metaphor!!!

I am brilliant really....

Tuesday, June 12, 2012

Do a jig with me please.

I am stumped. Blank. Befuddled with a loss of words. No really, this can ACTUALLY
happen to me of all people!

The rambling run-on sentence Queen,,, can actually go empty on imagination/motivation/humor/inspiration. It is rare, but it happens. These are the moments
I slip into my striped toe socks, massage the head of a pink haired troll doll (complete with piercings and a tattoo of a purple elephant on a unicycle) and hum. I always hum something patriotic whilst
wearing a tin foil head piece and thinking of corn on the cob (because THAT'S patriotic fare).

Sometimes after humming, I dance.

Well, it's more of a jig actually, but I do it. Not only because jigging is a lost art form, but also
because I imagine I am sexy when I jig. I like imagining I am sexy, but it's a vicious cycle
really, because it forces me to jig more.

Have you ever jigged?

But I know you may be wondering why I am stumped.

You are aren't you???

Well if you are not, then the whole concept of this post is lost on you.

Oh, you are??? Good. I hate lost post concepts.

I am stumped because as I look around this world I see bad people doing well. I mean really
awful people who are selfish and cruel and unapologetic to both, succeeding. At least
from the surface, financially, in their love life and health, they appear to be.

But then, I see people who give when they don't have, love when they should walk away and offer support when they need it the most, failing.

And I don't understand.

But when you ask them....

They say...

They are blessed.

And they are.

Because they get it.

They don't miss noticing and appreciating the smaller things. Like a sunbeam. Or the way the water looks like a jewel box when that sunbeam hits it. The look in someone's eye when they receive a compliment. How a child runs faster in new shoes. The peace someone has before they leave this earth, satisfied that they did their part. A squirrel's chirping in the morning. The duck with her ducklings (your car is actually holding them up from the start of their day too). How intricate a dragonfly's wings are. The wonderful feeling of giving... anonymously.

In all actuality, we should be jealous of them.

So when you feel you are failing.... in love.... in your health... financially... ALL THREE??

There are things you can be doing. I hope and believe that if I inspire just one person,
I have made a difference in this world.

And that is enough of an answer to "Why am I here?". Isn't it?

And people ARE noticing that you glow (not in a toxic way) but in a heavenly way.

And all you awful people don't have to "get" it.

In your awfulness, you cause me to be befuddled, which allows me to wear striped toe
socks, which allows an edgy troll to have a head massage, causes me to don tinfoil, hum patriotically
and most importantly... makes me jig.

And maybe that is the only inspiration you have to give.

But that makes me feel sexy. And for that, I thank you.

Thursday, May 31, 2012

Welcome Back to the Portal of Insanity

"Yes! Yes! Yes!"

I can hear you screaming that and doing your little "she's back beaches" dance!

Strangely enough,,, it is a very becoming dance for you... I would have never thought to pair up a Quaker Oatmeal tube hat, neon spandex and a tin foil bow tie with it,,,  but still, all in all, you REALLY pull that off!!!

But what exactly should an Invisible Seductress "welcome back" post consist of to make it legendary?


I suppose I would need to add a little sex.

Although,,, it HAS been a while.... (1902 to be exact-wearing a steampunk outfit, make-
shift stillettos and blowing a kazoo,,  under a horse drawn carriage,,, with a man called Doomerschmitzenpop,,,, ah yeah,,, it is a very vivid memory baby....)

So maybe I should just "do me" in this post.

No. maybe that came out wrong... That is NOT what I meant,,, but thank you for tainting this otherwise family orientated blog post with your thoughts of me "doing me" when alls I REALLY meant was I need to post about the things I used to post about... Sheesh....
(hands you soap,,,,, dirty mouth.... now go to my room!!)

Ok,, where was I? Oh yes, writing about the things I used ta. Lets break it down...

Farts.... still funny
Michael Landon-Brendan Fraiser-David Beckham's abs.... still sexy...
Vodka.... still makes me dance like a newborn Giraffe on acid...
Sparkles.... still make me all giddy...
Green Olives/Green Jello.... still the breakfast of champions...
Sporks.... still the most unappreciated utensil...

Yes Bacon... still wonderful... A wise woman told me that bacon should have sparkles.

Think about it.

Sparkles REALLY are the ONLY thing that could improve bacon,, they improve everything...

Spam... Wait,,, I am getting flustered,,,

What if the Spam made a fart sound as it was taken out of the can by Brendan Frasier and served on a Michael Landon limited edition serving plate,,, and what if we wrapped said sparkled bacon AROUND that Spam that was festering in green jello INSTEAD of that amber colored congealant stuffy junk,,,,, AND the top of the Spam loaf was carved like David Beckham's abs with Green Olive nipples and of course,,, I eat this with a Spork for breakfast while I sip Vodka through a twirly straw and dance like a newborn Giraffe on acid....

I almost forgot...

Twirly straws... still think they should be included in every meal....

Hmmmm.... Interesting.......

Things have not really changed a lot here. We had a hurricane/tropical storm/tropical depression/storm front/freaking rain episode named Beryl last weekend. No one is scared of ANYTHING named Beryl. I have never met a Beryl,,, but I suppose a Beryl could be fiercely manly... I remember a hurricane a few years ago that had a really, really manly name and was the King Daddeo of bad Mamba Jamba Hurricanes... I can't remember it's name though... I actually had sex with a Greek God type man the WHOLE time it was coming through my town... It was a wonderfully hard hitting storm...The whole freaking time... What was it's name???

Oh yes... Hurricane Dream... cause it never really happened... It was just a dream... Damn...

Wow. Uh. Er. Maybe you forgot I ramble alot but am strangely weird (in a good way, I hope) and fun to imagine co-wearing striped toe socks and rolling down a grassy knoll whilst singing "The Hills are Alive" with....

Or maybe I just lost the last few followers that ACTUALLY would have read my posts...

Either way....

Welcome back to the portal of insanity that you know you will come back to because,,,,,


Just because...

(I hope)