Wednesday, July 11, 2012

Drop it like it's HAWT!

Always. Seems things are always falling around me. I am the epicenter of my own clutzy universe. Last night I took a trip. I got up at 2:30Am to check on my son. One of my delicate feet slipped on a board book about the dinosaurs, the T-rex on the cover stared up at me whilst muffling his laughter and trying to cover his mouth to no avail because of his tiny flailing appendages. It was very scary. I was however impressed with my one footed carpet surfing excursion until the other foot met the the metal bed rail. They were not very friendly to each other and as I lay in a fetal position holding my throbbing toe, I cursed (but in a sexy sweet way acceptable by all FCC regulations). My son lay snoring, taunting my pain.

Now I am walking hunched over because AFTER I realized the pain in my throbbing toe was lessoning, I moved to get up and CRACKWALBASH.... I threw my back out AND simultaneously farted. My wails of pain did not wake my son up, but the fart apparently did. He proclaimed it as "gross" and laughed before falling back to sleep, or maybe it was a dream (at least that is what I will tell him, come on, what mom comes in your room and wakes you with a fart? Inconceivable).

Now seriously, if I throw my back out I want to have the words: "because of the Earth rattling sex" in the same freaking paragraph, wouldn't you?

But such is not my life.

I don't feel sexy walking around like this at all. So I put on a moo-moo dress that is heavily intoxicated with flowers, rubbed on some "extreme" Ben-gay and a wide brimmed hat. No one knows I am not 95. It's a clever cover. But now I have found that my goal has shifted from making it a "clever cover-up outfit" to seeing if the door greeter at Wall-to-the-mart will ask me out.

"Yes, hello kind silver haired sir, I WOULD like a cart,,,, meow".

I would do him in the Flip-Flop aisle in case you were wondering.

And then my back would be cured because of the Earth rattling, Flip-Flop slapping, Wall-to-the-mart silver haired greeter sex.

Yep. That sounds better!

1 Seducing Deductions:

IT (aka Ivan Toblog) said...

" the Flip-Flop aisle..."

That, in and of itself, would be Earth rattling.

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