Friday, April 29, 2011

Why don't you come over here and SPARK me sometime!!

I recieved an email notification that someone on a dating site I used to be a member of thought we'd have "sparks" together. This was great news! I like feeling like flintstone from time to time------starting fires with the men of America. And with all this Royal Wedding stuff flying around---who wouldn't want to feel sparkaliscious for a moment?

So I decided to follow the link and catch a glimpse of this very observant hunk muffin.

I open it up to a 53 year old anomoly.

Now I am sure this is a very nice gentleman and I certainly mean no harm, but I was cornfused. Was he Freddy Mercury... Was this Mick Jagger?? Wait.... is this Steven Tyler?? A zombie Axl Rose? Mork from Ork???

There he was, sitting on a counter in a lycra jewel- toned unitardish shirt,,, patterned "Hammer" pants and chunky white tennis shoes accentuated with red socks and yes, suspenders. And he arched his back really nice like whilst crossing his legs too.

There was even a caption over the picture that read: My favorite spot!

Your favorite spot is sitting on a counter posing like it's a Sports Illustrated swimsuit cover shoot???

Is this a joke?

He even had his bangs and the sides of his hair curled under people...

And not just in one "joke" picture, each one was stranger than the last...I could hear the rock and roll screams bellowing in my head and imagine the fights over the curling iron and the last precious spritz's of aquanet. It was confusing... And still confuses me...

Until another "spark" message rang through,,, rehabilitating my hope for a "normal" admirer..

It was Aquarious69...A 69 year old Horoscope follower and Muppet doppleganger.

(Note: Do not add "69" to your screen name for ANY reason, it's 125% extra smarmification that no decent human should want to posess.. just say'n)

I see this "sparked" Muppet and all I can think about is squishing his spongy orange nose and making him do bizarre things with his puppety "arm sticks"....

Is the subset of men in my range so saturated that I may have to settle for a Muppet or a zombie rock star with mad posing skills,,,,

'cause I will.... I tell you sweet friends, I will...And.... I'll LIKE IT!!!
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Sunday, April 24, 2011

A Palooza........

I think there is a problem in this world. "What is it??" you inquire, while you play scrabble with a handsome Indonesian jumping platypus named Stanley Flumple, who curiously enough, knows a lot more 6-letter words ending in double "ZZ's" than you do...

Wow you live a curious life!!

But seriously,,

It's an issue of Circus Peanuts and the horror of candy snubbery!!

What?? This IS serious!! It's a tale of discrimination and loss.....

You see, now with Easter passing us by, candy snubbery is very evident. While Peeps have certainly set their spot as "the unofficial candy of Easter",, and those weird orange wrapped ploops of oddly textured peanut butter have taken over Halloween,,,, where does this leave our beloved pastel orange and monumentally fantastic Circus Peanuts??

...... Out in the cold harsh world of the "side aisle" at Walgreens, that's where...

....Right next to the toothpasty green gum drops (which coincidentally have NO gum in them) ,, hideous black licorish and those mints that old people have been hiding in their sweater pockets or plaid twill pants since 1902.

This is no place for such a confectionary marvel I say........ NO PLACE!!!! (I repeat, pummeling a table for added effect)

I can see this is not a battle you are prepared to wage at this time. Maybe you feel it's not relevant to your life right now and feel you can overlook it.

Well,,,, I say unto you:


Please,, wonderful friends,,, if YOU don't stand up for Circus Peanuts NOW,, where will all of the hard working Circus Peanut farmers go?

Are YOU prepared to take them in as they try and find jobs in the underworld?? The CHILD LABOR INFESTED PEEP FACTORY underworld??

Willst you,, annonymous seal hater, wipe their orange (but strangely, banana flavored) tears of sadness as they rock back and forth cursing at the loss of their precious Circus Peanut crops??

Behold,, shall you counsel them, night after night when they see children enjoying elephant shaped animal crackers and burst out in convulsions with seething memories of the fun they once freely GAVE to the world with their OWN home grown Circus themed celebratory treats?? (or charged .99 a bag for, but whatever)

I think not!

So I suggest to you now the creation of a new holiday that rightfully celebrates the majesty and beauty of the Circus Peanut!!

Who's with me??

And since I am breaking ground creating a new holiday that will certainly be so grand as to rival other great days of celebration such as: Groundhog day and Flag day....

I might as well make up some rules and traditions that will no doubt be cherished in your home for decades to come.

But not right now,, I feel you need some time to prepare yourselves for the regality that is:


Teaser: It starts with the World famous "Spangler Parade"!!!

You ready?

Saturday, April 23, 2011

An ODE to my Beaver....with pic....

I wanted to write an inspirational post today.

Something metaphysically advanced and chock full of educationally sound information that would give you the upper hand in conversations with rocket scientists and such. I do worry about you a lot and try to think of things that will enhance your daily living conditions (You're welcome).

But,,, I am laying in bed and could'nt help but to start admiring my Beaver.

I have had my Beaver all of my life and at one point it was getting constant attention, that's not the case at the moment.... But,,, it has had a lot of loving in it's 40 years of service to me and it is amazing how these things hold up so well (even after long periods of time "in the attic").

As a teen, I kept my fascination with it more secretive because I didn't want anyone to know how much attention I gave it, I couldn't seem to go a night without showing it some sweet sweet TLC, strange for that age I suppose.

To this day it is STILL pristeen (for it's advanced age)....... and it's floofy, WONDERFULLY FLOOFY....

Some people believe Beavers should NOT be floofy, maybe it's unattractive and hindersome to "Beaver" activity,, but I think mine is perfect JUST the way it is...

Fat and floofy and ready to be played with!

I LOVE my Beaver....and so should you....

I even feel so comfortable with you as my loving followers and friends that I decided to share a discreet picture of it with you today!


The Invisible Seductress's Beaver!!
She's a BEAUTY!!!

As you can see it is VERY well kept and aside for a few emergency surgeries to re-attatch teeth/felt appendages and some missing whiskers, it is just like new and ready for action!!

What? REALLY????

You were thinking that I, purveyor of modesty and angelic behavior, would be posting about something else??

I am SHOCKED and flumblegusted by you!

Here I am, innocently sharing a treasure from my childhood with you, and you are thinking about a FLOOFY HOOHAW!!??

(Awkward pause)



Sunday, April 17, 2011

Weird thoughts of an overactive mind..

I believe sometimes the bully is hurting more than the bullied.

I believe cotton candy would make a fabulous pillow, unless you drool a lot.

I believe the people who feel the weakest are almost always the strongest.

I believe that when I sing, my dad hears me in heaven.

I believe in blowing bubbles as therapy.

I believe a mason jar with holes poked in the top should be a kid's standard summer issue.

I believe today is the first day of the rest of my life, but if nothing great happens, obviously, tomorrow is the first day of the rest of my life.

I believe you can't cry with pop rocks bursting in your mouth.

I believe we should all wear a tool belt that has a can of Reddi-whip in it, if anyone looks sad, offer them a squirt straight in the mouth.

I believe stars sing, but only if the moon is in the mood.

I believe dodge ball is the meanest game in the world..... DUCK!!

I believe every huge oak tree should have a tire swing.

I believe there is a 2011 Chevrolet Camaro (Slate blue with black racing stripes on the hood and custom black leather interior, dual exhaust with a tag that says "try me") that is supposed to be mine. If you are currently driving it, please deliver it to me soon!!

I believe a picture is worth 1,ooo words, but 975 usually are best left unspoken.

I believe Lassie only saved Timmy from the well because Timmy was the one who fed her.

I believe all Oompa, Loompa's were originally from Jersey Shore.

I believe every time I hug someone, another hug is reserved for me when I need it.

I believe milk coming out of your nose from laughter is sexy.

I believe good guys always do finish last but only because they always stop to help.

I believe God counts our every tear and sheds one with us (yes, even cartoon Hippo tears!)

I believe blogging is addictive (twitching uncontrollably)

I believe just because an item says "one size fits all", "all" shouldn't try to fit into it.

I believe the word "EPIC" is an EPIC word.

I believe "Wise" is not a really good name for a potato chip (they really aren't that intuitive)

I believe roots are never square.

I believe those who need the most, also give the most.

I believe that I actually DO care if Jimmy cracks corn.

I believe my sparkles shine brighter when I smile.

I believe my dog knew me better than most humans do.

I believe the stairway to heaven is so long, it would be hell to really have to walk up it...but I can't wait to try!

I believe Jello contains healing properties.

I believe that money can't buy happiness, but it'd be fun to try.

I believe that Unicorns exist, but they are disguised as Ninja's during the day.

I believe the name "Funiuns" was a marketing ploy as I almost never categorize my time as "fun" if I eat them.

I believe Unicorn kisses taste like cherry.

I believe there is a Smurf Utopia and I want to wear white pants and live there.

I believe that when a squirrel initiates a staring contest with a human, he is saying "Yea, that's WHAT I THOUGHT PUNK!" after he wins and runs away.

I believe while driving on a rainy night, you should always swerve to miss the toads playing in the rain.

I believe Nuttella is a crappy imitation of chocolate.

I believe at least one of these touched you.

I believe in you.... and that I am a dork!

Thursday, April 14, 2011

This should'nt even BE a post!

Last night I took a journey. It was a short journey. It was a journey of discovery. A trek into the mind of a self proclaimed clutzy girl. A wonderfully insightful rendition of a college slapstick comedy minus the obligatory nudity and well timed farts.

I walked into my bathroom door.

A full on, dead stopped, collision with a door that perfectly blends in with the walls at night. (facepalm)

I never shut this door, but evidently, I did last night before laying down to rest my then un-bruised sweet seductress head to dream about the cast of glee morphing into evil gummy bears and taunting all of the now also morphed American Idol sour patch kid contestants by whipping them with extreme sour straws after sadistically placing them in gummy lifesaver handcuffs and showing them their Swedish Fish (es)... eeeep!

And of course, because I am devoid of sex, David Beckham was there to set the mood with his swanging licourice.

Is that even how you spell licourice? Licorice, lickorish,, I'd spell check but David Beckham's swanging licorice is monopolizing my brain *long sigh* droooooool...

Where was I?

I never realized that my head could actually bounce off a door like a defiant ping pong ball. It rocketed off that cruelly camo'd hollow core door so severely that I was knocked to the ground in a blur of sparkles and bad karma.

I laid there on the cold tile floor rubbing my head and wondering why... Just why?

But, as often happens to me, I was given a moment of wisdom and otherwordly recognition of the universe in a divine realization that I am making you lucky people privvy to.

I realized............

It's....... PEEPS SEASON BABY!!!!!

What were you expecting? Something all phillisophicalistical or sunthin'???


And then, to make this moment on that cold tile, with a throbbing head, stubbed toe and sense of PEEP entitlement even MORE of an epic life changing discovery..(if that's even possible!)..

I added a well timed fart and some obligatory nudity....

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Sunday, April 3, 2011

Another thought process happened.....

When did this happen?

Standing here chasing a steaming hot dog around a paper plate of questionable integrity, I evaluate myself.

Eat, Pray, Love is on in the background, my synopsis of this movie was, sadly, correct.

Are we to live our lives as if they were a movie? If so, which one would it be? I wonder which network they would agree to play mine on for the masses of people seeking clarity through entertainment.

The Lifetime Channel?

I can learn to overcome abuse, betrayal and settle with medocrity there. Let's teach out children to be ruthless in the business world to get ahead. When they realize that's not what they want, we can judge them.

We all say we want simple; fireflies and popsicle smiles, green grass tickling toes and invading picnic ants as distractions. But most of us remain unfulfilled, because we have never been taught how to be.

And who is to blame?

Perhaps the Halmark Channel would be a good fit for my story.

Romance makes everything play out on a softened canvas. The music stirs with each heatened breath, we dance on hope, twirling through time. Your eyes sparkle, until they don't, and I get up to change the channel, before it hurts.

I am trying to focus on the storyline with Julia in this movie.

The hot dogs have assumed the position and accepted my dominance. The children have eaten and my paper plate's integrity, has once again, somehow, eluded me and survived the meal unscathed.

I fade out, into questions again, sorry Julia.

The Travel Channel; that's it, that's where I would be found, at one with myself through adventure.

The only time I was out of the country I noticed the air was different, however, the people were the same, still lost in pursuit of something.

Foreign words buzzed around my ears like hummingbirds to a Hibiscus flower and I stood mesmerized by this, strangely in tune with unfamiliarity.

What would I uncover on a whirlwind documentary style trip?

Stained glass reflections on grand concrete floors lay as a delicate colored lace. The smells of exotic spices rise from a mud walled hut.

Like a can opener, travel is freeing the once tightly sealed tin of my imagination.

I feel the spray of water escaping the confines of an enchanted wishing fountain that seems a mile wide. It cascades in watery greens down walls lined with chiseled sculptures of the idealized male form.

Bikes with bells and flower filled baskets amble by, transporting smiles. The now warm coin, never leaves my grasp.

I am not worthy of this wish......... (yet).....

I want a spaghetti montage, in Italy, like Julia Roberts had!

Who doesn't?

Is this really my destiny, scraping by on prayers that seem to go unacknowledged, scared to give of myself because there is so little left?

When did this happen, I question again, when did I become so alone and such a hinderance? How did I become a shell of the person I want to be?

There is only one thing worse than being a shell of who you want to be..........Realizing it........

.....and trying to fill it to no avail......

So many of us are walking around oblivious to this, but, I have been living through them and that makes me even more oblivious.

I scan Facebook to see what everyone else is doing. I smile at their family life, happiness and adventures. I add my "status jokes" to let them know I am still alive, but just barely, and admitting that here, is therapy.

The "one days" and "once upon a times" in my life are many, only overshadowed by the "what ifs" and "I shoulds".

The chapters never seem to come full circle, my sunsets linger, refusing to accept my advances of "riding off" into them.

.... But I go on.. Undeterred..

.... Still searching..

.... And so will you..

.... Until we learn to be fulfilled within ourselves..

.... And with that, we will experience true happiness..

.... But maybe,, still wanting a "spaghetti eating movie montage" in Italy..

.... And that suits me just fine..

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Saturday, April 2, 2011 have issues....or was that me???

I had forgot about this story. I guess that was a way of coping (ahem).

But now,,, I realize you NEED to hear this! "Why?", you ask as you knit Reggae type hats for your dancing Iguana named Shasta.

"Well", I say in my best Dr.Phil tone of understanding,,, you NEED entertainment,,, because you are,,, afterall,,, knitting reggae type hats for an Iguana you named after a failing soda brand.

...and you don't even OWN an Iguana do you?

Who's weird now???


Me and a friend were talking about my atrocity of a vehicle and how it is robbing me blind by getting 18 mpg and how I am spending $500 a month in gas because of my commute,,,
(Please take a moment to gasp here)...

When the subject of trading came to mention,,, I explained my financial dilema and we talked about the condition of the vehicle and a wreck that I had been in.

You wanna hear about it??? Of course you do!!! Here I go...

It all started while I was breaking the law... But not really,,, I just sound sexier and all dangerous-Seductress-like saying it that way,,, but I WAS driving when I wasn't really supposed to be,,, because I'm a rebel!!! ....(and un-questionably stupid)...

I had just gotten released from the hospital after a 10 day stay. I was on some drugs but nothing drastic. I felt fine and did not have a ride home so, I drove.

I was almost home when I realized I had phased out a bit and was being mesmorized by a pair of them there truck hitch "ball sacks"(Note: You have to say this out loud and a little rednecky or you will just not do this post justice).

They were moving so softly from side to side, hanging there all saggyliscous in nature, taunting me with the lack of cooth, one faded orange ball hanging a tad lower than the other....

......when the truck stopped suddenly.

The "amply balled" hitch, penetrated my front bumper with it's steely member,,, and my PT is now left with a permanent reminder,,, that I am easily distracted,,, by freakishly large balls, that wave innocently in the wind...

Good to know....

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