Words strung together meticulously trying to achieve the funny..but failing miserably..

I decided I would paste together some things that I think are ALMOST funny and maybe some of you will ALMOST laugh at them.. This is an experiment and should not be used against me if it fails..

This post will self destruct in 90 seconds.........

I want to work for Zappos and get in touch with my inner puppet.

Why are all the people in depression medicine advertising ugly? Now I am worried, not only because I feel depressed, but that I must be ugly on top of that! This is a bad cycle of events.

Men walked on the moon, but Dish Network can't keep programming on when it rains.

Ever notice a man "hug" with another man consists of a somewhat violent looking "power struggle pull" to the chest and 3 pats on the back? WTF is up with that?

If I am more than 5 feet away, please don't hold the door for me! I appreciate the sentiment, but I look rude if I don't sprint in at superhuman speed, I would have rather opened my own damn door.

Baboons should be required to wear pants.

No one wants to see that.

Bratz doll lips look like baboon asses.

No one wants to see that.
(is it just me or does that one look like me? The doll....... not the primate......really? Still going with the monkey ass?? Well at least it is shaped like a heart..)

I don't think Vienna sausages are really from Vienna.

I will probably NOT have a good day AFTER you give me that ticket officer.

Why do you look at me funny when you say: "How may I help you?" and I say "Well, the gutters need cleaning out and the yard needs mowed and....." YOU asked ME remember???!!!

3 Musketeers bars are 40% less fat than a regular candy bar. This should make me feel healthier, but all it really does is make me want my other damn 60%!

I think orgasms should come with every order...like fries...

The Grass is Always Greener...

Why do they say that the grass is ALWAYS greener on the other side? I decided to take a scientific approach to solving this mystery once and for all. To be precise, I gathered grass samples from 72 1/2 locations and brought them back to my lab (actually she's a mix breed,, but whatever)...

We tested each sample meticulously and discovered this statement to be totally false. The grass is NOT always greener on the other side!! Actually,, when we flipped each blade of grass over,, we found no difference in the green hue values at all!! Each blade was the exact same color on the front as it was on the other side.

And now YOU know!!! No one can ever give you that bullshit line without you having a scientifically accurate,, Seductressly proven,, clever retort ready in your brain files.

I have found while driving I see a lot of signs that say "Soft Shoulder". My shoulders are never softer around those turns. This upsets me. I am currently doing more research.

Chicken Or Egg??

OF COURSE the chicken came BEFORE the egg. How would we know it was even a chicken if it didn't come first. We would have no clue what a chicken even looked like until one is manifested in front of us as a display model.

So you can put that issue to rest as well.

Does the Cat Have Your Tongue??

Realistically,, if a cat has your tongue,, you are probably NOT going to get it back any time soon. Cats are assholes that way. Even if the cat IS feeling generous enough to return it,, he has probably already done a battery of scientific cat testing to it and it will be of no use to you.

Furthermore, we should all be very careful about letting a cat "get" our tongues because reproducing speech is the last step before a swift Cat World Domination tour ends life on Earth as we know it.

Your cat told me of this plan whilst heavily intoxicated on spiked catnip..

He also told me about this incident:

You should be ashamed of yourself...

Oh,,,, That's just WRONG!!!!

Weirdest post eva!!!

I ROCK!!!

Well maybe I should blame it on the excess of pickled okra I consumed yesterday. Or maybe,,, it was all the fruity markers I was using to draw my life sized, anatomically correct, cardboard cut-out of Danny Devito,, whatever the reason,,, I had an interesting dream.

Huh???? What says you???? You are still stuck on the Danny Devito life sized anatomically correct cardboard cut-out!!

What??? You have questions???

Can we get past this??? I have a dream I want to talk to you about...Really???

OK,,,, I'll respond to your questions quickly.

1. Yes, it probably IS because he is short like me but also because I imagine he smells like maple syrup and people that smell like maple syrup are always very nice to me.

b. No, we wear clothes during the day.

@. He stands right between my John Mayer and Michelin Man anatomically correct cut-outs (Brian the dog is at his feet with a Gin and tonic in his paw, he is not anatomically correct because I am normal,, ahem..).

Let's move on,, shall we???

Oh,,, so now you have MORE questions?? WTH!!!!! Leave me alone!!! I have a dream to tell you about!!

I AM getting ON with it,,, no,, NOT the cut out,,, the story,, man you have issues today, go to my room (and clean it)!

This dream is one of my recurring dreams, it is probably the 4Th time I have had it. I love that my dreams are so vivid and that I remember them so clearly (exception: bear eating me like a corn-cob dreams,,, shiver).

If we have any dream matriculates in the crew, feel free to observe and dissect my dream to calculate my insanity level on a scale of 1 to 10.

Wanna hear about it? Of course you do!!! Here I go:

(insert faded squiggly lines, smoke, wacky music and miscellaneous dream fantasy sequence imagery here)

I dreamt I was a rock. Not just a sissy river rock or piece of white shale, but a huge ass manly man rock (only in a delicate, pretty sparkley way,,,,,wink...). I was a huge ass manly man (only in a delicate pretty sparkley way,,,,,wink...)- Flinstone's house sized rock (see above image, Aha,, it all makes sense now!!). But just in case.....

I looked like this:

No wait,,, wrong "ROCK"!!!
( you're welcome ladies!!!)

I looked like this:

(Except without that annoying little man to the right of me, cover him with your finger,, no really,, do it...Did you do it? Great,, that's what I looked like...wait..there is another annoying little man to the left of me,, do you see him??? Cover him too...both covered...perfect...now THAT'S what I looked like. ***you can take your fingers down now, you might need them for clapping later as this post is STELLAR!!)

So there I am,,,, strong and regal, sun shining off the facets of nature's handiwork, playing shadow-peek-a-boo with the light coming through the trees. Whatever,,, I was a ROCK.

But all wasn't as it appears.

(insert dramatic music here)

My opinion on rocks (and possibly yours now too) would be changed forever!!!!!

You see the rock (me) that looks so strong and regal (see above sentence) was in massive amounts of inanimate object pain!!!

Everything hurt!! The wind---the rain---birds pooping on me---leaves floating down from the sky to rest on me---the dirt underneath me---the little brat kids climbing on me---ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING HURT!!!

And although I never knew this before,,, rocks are smart... and surprisingly enough, they have an income source!! I know this because: I PAID the grass to grow underneath me as a cushion from the sand and dirt. (Apparently "rock currency" is highly sought after by the blades of grass that whore themselves out for it).

"Classy Grassy" The high class grass HOOKER!!

I longed to be small and pampered,, some one's "PET" sitting in a padded box on a shelf only disturbed for moments of love and adoration from a geeky but lovable "pet rock" nurturing individual.

Spoiled "TRUST FUND" rocks!

And I had eyes,, well not really eyes,, my whole surface was an "eye" - I could see everything from every angle. 360 degrees of vision. It was disturbing. All I did was cry baby rock tears full of anger and despair and think about my poor small friends that get murdered everyday by people skipping them on a lakes surface....and for what????? FUN and SPORT!!!!.

Tsk Tsk............MURDERERS!!!

And then I had to pee, so I woke up.....The End.....

Please enjoy this video of The Rolling Stones with "Like a Rolling Stone":

Warning: The following image may not be suitable for younger bloggers, adult supervision is strongly suggested:

Who really "WINS" in a rock skipping contest?

Please stop these senseless murders!!

Join B.A.R.S...
Bloggers against rock skipping...
Only you can make a difference in the life of a rock.

(daily drink specials at each meeting)

OK,,, Now talk amongst yourselves about my lucidity...Mkay...