Sunday, April 4, 2010

Weirdest post eva!!!


I ROCK!!!



Well maybe I should blame it on the excess of pickled okra I consumed yesterday. Or maybe,,, it was all the fruity markers I was using to draw my life sized, anatomically correct, cardboard cut-out of Danny Devito,, whatever the reason,,, I had an interesting dream.

Huh???? What says you???? You are still stuck on the Danny Devito life sized anatomically correct cardboard cut-out!!

What??? You have questions???

Can we get past this??? I have a dream I want to talk to you about...Really???

OK,,,, I'll respond to your questions quickly.

1. Yes, it probably IS because he is short like me but also because I imagine he smells like maple syrup and people that smell like maple syrup are always very nice to me.

b. No, we wear clothes during the day.

@. He stands right between my John Mayer and Michelin Man anatomically correct cut-outs (Brian the dog is at his feet with a Gin and tonic in his paw, he is not anatomically correct because I am normal,, ahem..).

Let's move on,, shall we???

Oh,,, so now you have MORE questions?? WTH!!!!! Leave me alone!!! I have a dream to tell you about!!

I AM getting ON with it,,, no,, NOT the cut out,,, the story,, man you have issues today, go to my room (and clean it)!

This dream is one of my recurring dreams, it is probably the 4Th time I have had it. I love that my dreams are so vivid and that I remember them so clearly (exception: bear eating me like a corn-cob dreams,,, shiver).

If we have any dream matriculates in the crew, feel free to observe and dissect my dream to calculate my insanity level on a scale of 1 to 10.

Wanna hear about it? Of course you do!!! Here I go:

(insert faded squiggly lines, smoke, wacky music and miscellaneous dream fantasy sequence imagery here)

I dreamt I was a rock. Not just a sissy river rock or piece of white shale, but a huge ass manly man rock (only in a delicate, pretty sparkley way,,,,,wink...). I was a huge ass manly man (only in a delicate pretty sparkley way,,,,,wink...)- Flinstone's house sized rock (see above image, Aha,, it all makes sense now!!). But just in case.....

I looked like this:



No wait,,, wrong "ROCK"!!!
( you're welcome ladies!!!)

I looked like this:




(Except without that annoying little man to the right of me, cover him with your finger,, no really,, do it...Did you do it? Great,, that's what I looked like...wait..there is another annoying little man to the left of me,, do you see him??? Cover him too...both covered...perfect...now THAT'S what I looked like. ***you can take your fingers down now, you might need them for clapping later as this post is STELLAR!!)

So there I am,,,, strong and regal, sun shining off the facets of nature's handiwork, playing shadow-peek-a-boo with the light coming through the trees. Whatever,,, I was a ROCK.

But all wasn't as it appears.

(insert dramatic music here)

My opinion on rocks (and possibly yours now too) would be changed forever!!!!!

You see the rock (me) that looks so strong and regal (see above sentence) was in massive amounts of inanimate object pain!!!

Everything hurt!! The wind---the rain---birds pooping on me---leaves floating down from the sky to rest on me---the dirt underneath me---the little brat kids climbing on me---ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING HURT!!!

And although I never knew this before,,, rocks are smart... and surprisingly enough, they have an income source!! I know this because: I PAID the grass to grow underneath me as a cushion from the sand and dirt. (Apparently "rock currency" is highly sought after by the blades of grass that whore themselves out for it).



"Classy Grassy" The high class grass HOOKER!!

I longed to be small and pampered,, some one's "PET" sitting in a padded box on a shelf only disturbed for moments of love and adoration from a geeky but lovable "pet rock" nurturing individual.


Spoiled "TRUST FUND" rocks!

And I had eyes,, well not really eyes,, my whole surface was an "eye" - I could see everything from every angle. 360 degrees of vision. It was disturbing. All I did was cry baby rock tears full of anger and despair and think about my poor small friends that get murdered everyday by people skipping them on a lakes surface....and for what????? FUN and SPORT!!!!.

Tsk Tsk............MURDERERS!!!

And then I had to pee, so I woke up.....The End.....

Please enjoy this video of The Rolling Stones with "Like a Rolling Stone":






Warning: The following image may not be suitable for younger bloggers, adult supervision is strongly suggested:


Who really "WINS" in a rock skipping contest?


Please stop these senseless murders!!
Join B.A.R.S...
Bloggers against rock skipping...
Only you can make a difference in the life of a rock.
(daily drink specials at each meeting)


OK,,, Now talk amongst yourselves about my lucidity...Mkay...

10 Seducing Deductions:

Clyde said...

Ok, Danny I understand---but Brian----Ok, he's a top dog.
It's hard to imagine you as a big manly rock--maybe a well curved smaller, extremely colourful rock---maybe a rock with shape--stratigic little crevices---a little moss.
PS---could you pee before the dream starts so that we get the end--maybe little rocks---rocks grinding against each other in earthquakes

Sir Thomas said...

As much as I love like to blame that okra, that’s not it. I also would like to state for the record something about your vivid dreams, but that should wait too.. *winks*

A rock, a huge rock? Its push on computer mind button…

Out pops analysis sheet,……

Person feels like rock in real life and the bigger the rock the more pain they can feel or they do feel causing the size of the rock to grow. The Rock just wants to be small and not have to get hit with all the painful things and feel loved thus avoiding much of the shit hitting it on the fly.

Oh another sheet popped out…

This rock is super smart so in time will be in the pocket of a collector, most likely the prized rock and will never get skipped across the river and drown…

Oh another sheet popped out…

Mind wants to know more about the grass hooker and where she works at…


Oh you are short?

The Savage said...

You zee yourzelf az ze rock becauze it iz ze very foundation of muzzahoot...
Or some such psychobabble....
You're pretty.

Crunk said...

Ok, I gathered a bunch of geeks together (I promised I'd teach em how to "pick up chicks" so they'd agree). After several minutes of hardcore studying of your scale of insanity, we came to the following conclusion,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

We need a new scale!

Loved this post, thanks

X

Crunk said...

P.S STOP EATING ORCAS!!!!!

Dutch donut girl said...

What? .. Who? .. Why? .. Huh?
You were a rock?
Danny Devito?
This is getting very bizarre.
But I happen to like bizarre facts.
One thing is troubling me, though.
I can't find/see the other annoying little man in that rock picture.
Am I going blind?

Sir Thomas said...

oh I see him... hes by the left side of the big tree... white t-shirt, levi jeans, and puke beads on...

The Invisible Seductress said...

Clyde--yes I like your rock image better than mine..laughing

Sir-I called classy grassy..wink..she raised her rates...AGAIN...smile

Savage- I am glad you think rocks are pretty--wink--

Crunk- I am scared--a new chart--ack-No more Orcas for me--maybe that will "sane" me up a bit!!!

DDG- He's pretty little--to the left--by the pole--by Waldo--hugs--so glad you accept my bizarrenessishyess!!!!

Sir-good eye!! xoxo

f1trey said...

you had me at weirdest post......

RawknRobynsGoneBlogWild said...

Maybe tonight you can have part II. Perhaps the first Rock pictured will come over to you for a resting place and yada yada...
I'm envisioning happy happy dreams for you. You are, afterall, a rock. You rock, and you're a rockstar.
Hugs,
Robyn

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