I never claim to be sane. In fact I probably am one of the most honest and open insane peeps you'll ever send Green Olives and mascara to. But,,,, I am usually intelligent enough to use products with safety in mind. Like I don't normally blow dry my hair while taking a bath. I have however,,, been tempted a few times to curl my hair while sleeping. (I am glad THAT warning was on my Conair!!!). I do know NOT to eat the silica gel packets when I come across them in my new shoe boxes.
Do I put grocery store plastic bags on my head,,, nope..
Running with scissors,,, maybe,,,,,
....but only because it makes me feel a bit scandalous!!!
I didn't really read the bottle of super glue whilst I was using it to bedazzle my drama queens cast (story at 11!!) until AFTER three of my fingers were stuck together and my thumb was no longer opposable ( I never felt closer to being a dog than I did at that very moment,,,, yelp).
The bottle,,,,, just to be clear,..., says avoid contact with skin!! It also states if there is a skin contact issue...... get finger nail polish remover,, sigh of relief.....
I HAVE finger nail polish remover!!!
Ever get into a situation in which you KNOW you will recover from and you KNOW it's not a big deal but you feel trapped in a way that causes you to panic in a way that is probably not normal for an adult? Did ya ever?
(Dramatic silence designed specifically so that you can verbally insert your "I was trapped and I panicked " story here.... go ahead.... don't be shy.... we'll wait......)
OK,,, FINE,,,, don't play along.... here's one of my "I was trapped and I panicked" stories, so there is not blog dead air...... I hate an awkward blog post silence......
One day I was in the restroom of the courthouse for jury duty and my panty hose somehow got twisted around the sturdy and fabulous swirly bracelet I was wearing... I could not free them. And of course I didn't want to get a run in my panty hose and be all unkempt all day,,, so,,, yes,,, it was a nail biting experience!!
Those hose were twisted up so badly I found myself doing a masterfully orchestrated Cirque Du Soleil contortionist act to try and take them off..... but I couldn't get my wrist out of the bracelet,,,,, so basically I ended up standing there hoping to God they didn't call my name and with my hand firmly attached to my side,, waddling like a penguin.
When they DID call my name,, I started to cry,,, (cause I had been in the restroom for 30 minutes by that time and I was lonely and amiss). Ten minutes later a (barely) female bailiff came looking for me and I screamed out for help. I also questioned why I was the only woman who had to urinate,, in such a long expanse of time (which she thought not even the slightest bit comical).
She brought me scissors and I cut my way to freedom and thanked God that I had at least taken the time to do a "drive by" shave on my legs that morning. This situation as a whole was apparently humorous enough for the (almost) female bailiff to share in the court room. I know this because the Honorable Judge cracked up when he saw me, the (slightly) female-ish bailiff was uncontrollably seizing with laughter and everyone else snickered as I passed by shaking my head and apologizing for the delay.
I did not get chosen for that trial and I threw away the bracelet of doom.
Where was I going with this? Gosh sometimes I lose myself,, You're still reading?
Wow,,, I owe you a pimped out relish tray don't I??????
Nom Nom Nommy NomOh yes,,, now I remember...My fingers are stuck together and my elbow has been bedazzled with two gems via...
"The Great Super glue Catastrophe of 2010"
I DO have fingernail polish remover,, but alas ,, IT IS NON-ACETONE fingernail polish remover,,, and the warning label specifically states ACETONE FINGER AIL POLISH...
Yes,,I HAVE NON- ACETONE F'N fingernail polish remover
(I say again harshly for dramatic emphasis).
(I say again harshly for dramatic emphasis).
I then freak out in a way that is probably not normal for an adult,,, but I still decide to soak in it and see what happens, I can deal with a gem encrusted elbow,, but the whole non opposable thumb thing might be a problem!!
I assess that the only other "chemically" enriched liquid I had was Drano (and I quickly flashback to the time I let people talk me into peeing on Drano at a family gathering to try and uncover the sex of my unborn child,,,FYI.... don't ask what happens, don't use a Dixie cup and this is also not proper family picnic entertainment)..
Please let this work......Please let this work......Please let this work.......
It really does not work..But I think it loosened the bond up enough for me to rip my phalanges apart..But I did still lose a few layers of skin on my elbows and I do not have finger prints on 4 of my fingers which I figure may come in handy seeing my current life of crime:
Grape Stealing(I forgot the damn dollar was in my pocket before laundering ...don't judge me...everyone has dirty laundry .....she says laughing hysterically at her own lame joke....you laugh too,, so she does not feel stupid...really??? Well,, in that case she will be taking you off of her cell phone 's generous calling circle!!).
Here are the pics of DramaGirl's PIMPED out cast:
Yes,,,, I am insane and YOU LIKE IT!!!!
(she says hoping for your love)