Dear Perfect Stranger:
(Well,, you may not be PERFECT,, I suppose we all have character flaws,, I mean,, I don't think my bra matches my outfit today,, oops,, wait,, it does,, I'm pretty awesome,, but I digress,, let me just start again....)
(Well,, I am probably STRANGER than you...let's try again,,,shall we???...)
(Uh,,, you COULD possibly be quite trampyish or talk like a sailor...making you very un-ladylike...sooooo...)
OK.....Never mind the intro:
If you were at Regal Theater in screening room #8 to see "How to train your Dragon" on April 1st, 2010 at approximately 4:30Pm wearing blue jeans and a pink t-shirt, with long blonde hair, looking like Barbie (except your face was less asymmetrical and I think your knees could bend)...
This apology is for you....
You see Ma'am, I too have a fluctuating levels of clumsiness. It seems some days I am virtually inept at staying vertical while walking .... So when you fell, I saw a glimpse of myself in you..
(only I had sparkly eyes and dangly trend setting earrings)
I felt really bad for you,,, ya' know.... Just right there in front of me, eating cold candy and popcorn kernel littered theater concrete.
I tried not to laugh... Really I did...
And I did jump up to try and help, unlike your husband/boyfriend/lover/guy-friend/asshole, companion who afterward bitched at you for dropping his 70 gallon drink.
And to all the people who were unknowingly sitting in the "splash zone".....
I am sorry to you as well...
Again, I tried not to laugh as the soda type beverage rained down from the heavens upon you. But you all gasped in unison,, and that was just classic comedy...and...... I bet you were not expecting snow flurries of popcorn either. But it's not rocket science,,, when a bucket of popcorn THAT big gets tossed up in the air THAT far,,,,,
let it snow, let it snow, let it snow.........
But back to you Ma'am...
First of all: People who ALMOST look like Barbie (even with a slightly less asymmetrical face and bending knees) CAN do better than the Neanderthal guy you had with you. Seriously,,, he was an asshole for not helping AND for making you carry everything AND for having the audacity to bitch at you about having an accident AND for making YOU go get ANOTHER 70 gallon drink and 2 ton container of popcorn by yourself.
And secondly (and possibly most importantly):
THAT FALL WAS..... Freakin'..... EPIC!!!!!You hit the concrete like a fat kid running towards the first slip-n-slide of the season in the middle of a steamy summer day. And you DID actually slide a bit, as uncomfortable as it was to watch.
Your hands were stretched out praising the sticky theater floor concrete God's!!
..And your right flip-flop even flip-flopped into the air:
mid-EPIC Freakin' fall.
..And there was a really loud cartoon-like sound effect:
(if I remember correctly)Ma'am,,,,,honestly,,, when your water bottle rolled and hit the OTHER side of the theater wall...I was gone...there was no saving me...Laughter was welling up and corrupting my soul...
I was an inappropriate laugh sinner....
...And the fact that you were uninjured,,,, made it EVEN funnier!!!
(nothing worse than laughing when someone is really hurt or sunthin').
.. I held it in the best I could,, until I was free to release it... and release it I did... like Diet Coke out ya nose release.. like an almost pee'n in my pants release...
A full on laughter orgasm....
Which brings me to my apology to you.
Every time I close my eyes,,, I see you falling,,, followed by uncontrollable giggling and a snort or two... I know KARMA is going to bite me..... a fellow "Clumsatarian" ...in the ass for laughing at you... So,,, I am hoping that by offering this sincere public apology to you (..and a delightful assortment of hard cheeses for the "Karma Fate Gods",,, one can only assume EVERYONE enjoys a nice cheese platter), and by banishing the graphic "memory video" of your:
EPIC Freakin' FALL
.....out of my head... forever,,,,,, I ,,,, a fellow card carrying "Clumsatarian"........ will appease the "Karma Fate Gods" and be spared from a very public reciprocation plunge....
Please accept my humble, if not purely self serving, apology..
SAY it loud SAY it PROUD!!!!