The stars were very bright last night. I know this because I could not sleep. Me and Danny hung out till the wee hours of the morning sitting on the porch and talking about life. Well,, I talked about life he just scratched himself. Apparently he has issues dealing with reality. But who am I to talk, I was sitting on the porch talking to a cardboard cut-out with jock itch.
I had just gotten finished watching an "I shouldn't be alive" marathon on Animal Planet. The things and situations that people survive are amazing. One guy was left in the middle of the ocean with just the clothes on his back. He kept floating through jelly fish stings. Just kept thinking and planning out how he would survive the predicament he was in.
Another show had people crash a helicopter INTO a volcano. One guy stayed alive for like 3 days hanging on the side of it, lava flowing beneath him, toxic air to breathe. And of course there are the bear attacks..that's all I am going to say about them.
But it makes you think:
Do I have the strength and presence of mind to achieve something so amazing?
Would my fight to live be strong enough?
Right now I think I would fail miserably. Right now it is hard enough just getting out of bed. Right now I am letting depression suck the life out of me with a coffee straw and adding sugar so it will go down easier!
I am not the only one in life in a bad position. I realize this. And there are many people who come back stronger from places far worse than the one that I am in. It just feels lonely at the bottom. I feel like a bottom feeder. Looking up at all the happy fish families above me floating like beams of light. I am the one sucking the grime off of the gravel and praying they let a food flake go past them so I can rush to it for nutrient. At least that's how it feels. And I don't have the right answers for the questions that are being thrown at me from all directions.
Here I am. I am smiling. I look OK. I have gotten out of bed. I am taking care of little people and never letting them see me cry. I am alone. I am diving towards lights at the end of each tunnel. I am helping others with THEIR problems. I am sympathetic towards their needs. I listen. I pray. I am letting everyone down. I want to quit fighting. I want to find a hole. I feel like the Black Hole. I am losing everything that I have. I am finding out I am not as strong as I thought I was. I am ugly when I cry. Today I will look ugly.
I will not be defined by the problems I have. I am only molded into what I allow my self to take shape as. I make the choice to fight or give up. I am soda in a bottle being shook and ready to explode. I have powers and strengths that I would have never realized had I not fallen. The top will be so much brighter now that I have seen the bottom. I will be able to help more people overcome by my experiences. I will be the blast of light that they need. I can accept failure and redefine what it means to be a success. I will overcome somehow even if the path is not clear. I will take steps back to learn how to jump forward. I am powerful even when I doubt. I am hopeless at being hopeful. Someone somewhere still thinks I am a hero. I grow when I cry (even if I look ugly doing it).
You see there are two sides to every coin. And with each toss you have a chance to land on the positive one. So even though today I may have landed on the negative side and it is trying to consume me, tomorrows flip may be different.
Tomorrow I will make you all laugh. And that will make me smile again.
You have probably already seen this one...But damn it's funny!!