Tuesday, April 6, 2010

Bottom feeder

The stars were very bright last night. I know this because I could not sleep. Me and Danny hung out till the wee hours of the morning sitting on the porch and talking about life. Well,, I talked about life he just scratched himself. Apparently he has issues dealing with reality. But who am I to talk, I was sitting on the porch talking to a cardboard cut-out with jock itch.

I had just gotten finished watching an "I shouldn't be alive" marathon on Animal Planet. The things and situations that people survive are amazing. One guy was left in the middle of the ocean with just the clothes on his back. He kept floating through jelly fish stings. Just kept thinking and planning out how he would survive the predicament he was in.

Another show had people crash a helicopter INTO a volcano. One guy stayed alive for like 3 days hanging on the side of it, lava flowing beneath him, toxic air to breathe. And of course there are the bear attacks..that's all I am going to say about them.

But it makes you think:

Do I have the strength and presence of mind to achieve something so amazing?

Would my fight to live be strong enough?

Right now I think I would fail miserably. Right now it is hard enough just getting out of bed. Right now I am letting depression suck the life out of me with a coffee straw and adding sugar so it will go down easier!

I am not the only one in life in a bad position. I realize this. And there are many people who come back stronger from places far worse than the one that I am in. It just feels lonely at the bottom. I feel like a bottom feeder. Looking up at all the happy fish families above me floating like beams of light. I am the one sucking the grime off of the gravel and praying they let a food flake go past them so I can rush to it for nutrient. At least that's how it feels. And I don't have the right answers for the questions that are being thrown at me from all directions.

Here I am. I am smiling. I look OK. I have gotten out of bed. I am taking care of little people and never letting them see me cry. I am alone. I am diving towards lights at the end of each tunnel. I am helping others with THEIR problems. I am sympathetic towards their needs. I listen. I pray. I am letting everyone down. I want to quit fighting. I want to find a hole. I feel like the Black Hole. I am losing everything that I have. I am finding out I am not as strong as I thought I was. I am ugly when I cry. Today I will look ugly.


I will not be defined by the problems I have. I am only molded into what I allow my self to take shape as. I make the choice to fight or give up. I am soda in a bottle being shook and ready to explode. I have powers and strengths that I would have never realized had I not fallen. The top will be so much brighter now that I have seen the bottom. I will be able to help more people overcome by my experiences. I will be the blast of light that they need. I can accept failure and redefine what it means to be a success. I will overcome somehow even if the path is not clear. I will take steps back to learn how to jump forward. I am powerful even when I doubt. I am hopeless at being hopeful. Someone somewhere still thinks I am a hero. I grow when I cry (even if I look ugly doing it).

You see there are two sides to every coin. And with each toss you have a chance to land on the positive one. So even though today I may have landed on the negative side and it is trying to consume me, tomorrows flip may be different.

Tomorrow I will make you all laugh. And that will make me smile again.

You have probably already seen this one...But damn it's funny!!

14 Seducing Deductions:

Anonymous said...

Thank you for this. I really needed it today. I need to remind myself (it seems over and over again these days) that there are good days and bad days and everyone has them both. I'm trying not to fall into the "Why me" chasm. Maybe I just need more cheese. Funny cheese. Tacky cheese. Cheesy cheese! - G

mac said...

You are just plain wrong!

You are not ugly when yo cry. You are beautiful, sadly beautiful. It is when we shake off our masks, whatever they may be, that we reveal our true beauty. No longer are we able to hide behind the facade, we are exposed for the humans we are.
Go sweet girl, cry if you must.

BUT, do not cry over that video. That is one effing funny mouse :-)

Anonymous said...

Well, when I am at the bottom I like to think it's because my shoulders are strong enough to hold those less fortunate up while they struggle to get back to the top, then when my time comes, they do the same. :) Smile princess.

Anonymous said...

Oh, you need an e mail addy.

The Invisible Seductress said...

Added email on profile Bama..

Georgina- Always here if you need a talk..smiling

Mac- Thanks you made me smile through the tears..

Bama- Hug--What a great way to think about things..Thats why I heart you!!!

Anonymous said...

You should have called me I love porches and swings and…. Well on with the reply…

Danny that lucky little bastard *sighs*

Oh yeah, I forgot on with the reply…

I too sometimes feel like a bottom feeder and to tell you the truth I don’t mind. I know what’s above me and believe me it does not look all that pretty. I mean you can see the shit as it falls and most of the time they above us are full of it. Shit that is…

And although we or you may feel lonely at the bottom it’s not as bad as we make it out to be. I actually think lonely is my best friend at times… is that sad? I don’t think so and I hope you don’t and for the record you are still my HERO… I know you enough to know what you do and go through.. Strong omg you are strong. Some of the shit above us could never go through that, never… girl you are stronger then you give yourself credit for.

And there is one great thing about a coin flip… best two out of three.. *winks*

Here’s a kiss for my HERO

RoByn LaTice said...

lol at the commercial. First time seeing it. And I needed this too. I would have to fight through any situation bc i have to keep my family in mind always no matter hw depressed i become.

The Savage said...

actually a coin has three sides.... but hey... who really counts the rounded surface besides me?

f1trey said...

pretends to stroke your hair and give you a sip of something bubbly and alcoholic...then asks if youd like a hersheys kiss.....

Blasé said...

I bet I've done 2 things more than you have:

1. Cried
2. Watched 'Rocky'

Crunk said...

It truly breaks my heart to think of you feeling unhappy. X

The Invisible Seductress said...

Sir-thanks,,hugs..really big hugs....

Robyn-You are a fighter-your words motivate me hun!

Savage--laughing..I like you

Trey-falling asleep in your arms..comforted

Blase-You are right..add motivate sad people to smile to your list...wink

***Sorry for being so well so "cryee". I will someday share the story of what is going on and you will understand. But for now, you words help in ways you will never imagine. I truly am thankful for my blog family!! You chose me and I am thankful!!! xoxo

crying again but feeling prettier because there are sparkles in my tears and Mac said so....wink

The Invisible Seductress said...

Crunk- I just missed ya..we were here at the same time..did you see me waving?? I'll be fine..Just needed a day to be ok with being sad and overwhelmed--may stretch out a few days but I will always come back ready to tickle people..

RawknRobynsGoneBlogWild said...

I add to all the love, hon. I also reiterate that you are beautiful when you are crying, when you are smiling, and all the time. Know it. Keep faith and a stash of olives (I'm substituting chocolate for olives here, just for you..lots of them).
Big hugs,

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