Tuesday, March 2, 2010

Shhhhhhh...no sharing this post...OR...

This will be my new spring fashion apparel:

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I love the way fruity scented markers smell. I buy them but never draw with them, they are hidden in my drawer. If I feel the need to smell synthetic grapes, I crack one open. And then I'm happy.
"Just say Maybe".... to the Orange marker that is, it really does not smell that great!

Sometimes in the middle of the night I wake up with an ingenious joke on my mind. I can't go back to sleep like that. So I get up and write detailed comedy routines by the moonlight. In the morning I can't read my writing and would have forgotten all the good parts.
The World suffers.

I go to my bra drawer and try bras on every other day. I have tons that are beautiful. You never know when your "only for special occasion" bras will turn into an everyday bra due to environmental breast modification anomalies and you will feel joy.
My "special occasion" bras have dust on them,,, just sayn'.

If I see a super cool new make-up product that has numerous shades I buy all the shades, even before I know that I like the product. That's called stupidity.
And I resemble that remark.

I may rearrange whole rooms of furniture (quietly) in the middle of the night. It's called "what if" syndrome. What if the couch were angled differently and the palm tree was behind it?? It never works, the rooms always look the same in the morning and I am usually bruised up and sore, one night I ripped my big toenail off and cried for hours.
(See profession of stupidity above)

I believe you should be able to subtract the weight of your breasts from your overall weight total .....and that you should know what a single boob weighs just in case someone asks you. But that would be a weird thing to ask. I suppose this is a mute subject.
Don't be weird.

I don't have a hammer. I just never got around to buying one. I have a dented can of corn. The pictures, decorations and curtain rods in my house are not stable. Don't stand under things when you come visit me and always walk at least a foot away from the walls. I share this with you because I care. My next hammer will be a can of carrots.
I'm sticking in the "C's" for this tool.

Things that I want "gone" or "out of my face" are put into huge black trash bags and thrown into a ceiling high pile in the garage. They are almost always inanimate things (laughing). I have no clue what's in these bags at this point. Slitting my wrists comes to mind when I think of moving. This is not considered "hoarding" so don't call A&E network on me.
Please..really don't..it's not funny.. send help...

Hairstyle magazines have the contact drug acid on the pages. I heart being addicted to them. I never change my hairstyle but feel comforted knowing I have exactly 52,345,688,222 styles to choose from if I should ever need to utilize the witness relocation program.
...it is called planning ahead...weird things happen to me

I always sing along and dance with the ring tones on my phone. This may sound odd but really YOU are odd if you don't. You downloaded them to your phone because you LOVE them and like to hear them.
Show a little appreciation people!!

Is it really necessary for you to rub it in that my party is only a "party of one" at a restaurant?
First of all, my other personalities take offense. And secondly, they just don't like it. No you don't, that's why I am telling them,, I know YOU do like it,, but YOU have issues!.. No, not YOU! Go back to your school bus. I am glad YOU finally woke up, Morris, no, we weren't talking about peanuts we're talking about parties!
**sigh*** as you can tell,, some of the personalities are really high maintenance.

Yesterday a bird flew into the window right by my desk. It was a beautiful gray dove. This kind of freaked me out a bit because it's just NOT supposed to happen. He did not have an Olive branch. But he got back up bobbing his head and walked away. I sang: "Just like yoooou,,,they want to be,,,, close to meeee".... I took the liberty of changing the lyrics.
I hope you don't mind.

The M&M proofreader must be replaced--I have been getting A LOT of "W's"..This has got to stop! The Skittles proofreader NEVER gets it wrong!!
she must love her job and respect authority

If there is ever a very rare occasion that I go to Walmart sans children, something strange happens...Walmart turns into Disney World!! I swear without kids in constant verbal assault and hanging on me,, the colors are brighter, lights flashier and of course every one's "costumes" are showyer (this just in,, showyer has been added as an official word to the Webster's dictionary,, you heard it here first!!). I could stay there hours basking in the wondrous freedom.
This is sad,, yes,,, this makes me sad..

I cooked noodles for my children the other day. For days they talked about mom's "secret" recipe and begged me to give it to their dad. I refused, somethings are just too special. But I'll give it to you if you swear silence. Hot Noodles + butter + Parmesan cheese. I am a master of culinary invention,, bow to me.
(Bobby Flay just called for a challenge,,, sucker)

I took the kids on a spur of the moment trip to Wendy's last weekend. I bought a large fry, 3 small Frosty's (for fry dippin) and a Coke Zero. Before we knew it we were laughing and carrying on. At different points Frosty shot out of both of my daughter’s little noses.. DramaGirl said "It must be a girl thang!!!!!!" Coke promptly spurt out from my nose at the comment.
The girls were thrilled!

When someone has an openly sucky job and they are happy and wonderful at it, giving me the best customer service,, smiling,, going the extra mile,, acting like Mary Poppins and what not... it freaks me out. This is not normal. They should be pissed and bitter.
Wonder what they are like during sucky sex.

Just remember......I heart green Jello and YOU!!!!!!

Seductress out.....


9 Seducing Deductions:

Anonymous said...

Just let me know when you get the jacket on, that way we can have our fantasy. :)))

Slyde said...

i always think that my straight jacket makes my ass look too big.

Anonymous said...

P.s., I will put up a post tonight that you gave me an idea on.

The Invisible Seductress said...

Bama-Laughing--I'll let ya know..and I'll check out your post..be gentle wink

Slyde-But your waist looks TINY dahling!!! ;}

f1trey said...

I miss bein online so much! gotta different phone......

The Savage said...

I knew it was gonna be one of those days when I chewed through the leather straps

The Invisible Seductress said...

Trey-I muss U!!!!!!

Savage- ....laughing....have not tried chewing through them yet.just been wiggling round here typing with my toes..wink

mac said...

They all told me I was wrong for dipping my fries in the Frosty. WTF??
You are beautiful for sharing this.

But alas, I like the lady at the gas station who is so perky it makes me want to puke...I want to kill her, but I do like her.
Or the lady at work that my buddy and I call giggles. I wonder what she might be like in the sack. And how unhappy I might be if she went into that 20 minute giggle fest when I drop my trousers???

The Invisible Seductress said...

Mac-THEY WERE WRONG!!! Any out the nose Frosty action??? hugs

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