Monday, March 8, 2010

A few things/with SPECIAL animal commentary!
"If you cock your head like this,,
59% of this post will make sense"

Something is after me. I feel it every day. It is in my house. It is evil. It is:

My kitchen floor!
(insert psycho music here....everyone 1-2-3....psycho scream....Aaaaaaaggggggghhhhhhh)
**Thank you for playing the home game of The Invisible Seductress**

Yes, it's inanimate laminate,, (man I'm funny!) but it seems to have a hidden agenda,,, killing me. You see I slip and fall 2-3 times a week. Yes, you can say I am clutzy and shake your head, but think of the odds of me being clutzy in EXACTLY the SAME spot 2-3 times a week!! (got ya there Freud!! See what I did there?? A little Freudian "slip",, I'm here all week,, try the veal!!) .

They must have used Octopuses (or is it Octopie??) in the "slippery" portion of the floor safety testing. They hurl an Octopus on the floor, he catches (shawomp) and thumbs up everyone,, this floor is not too slippery to market to the general population!! Then the lead safety inspector says:

"Bring out the next sample please,, maybe let the Gecko's have this one, give the Octopie a break"...
"This is ridiculous, get my agent
on the phone"

Sometimes I think I should just stage a fall in the morning. Make it real convincing like and then look TOWARDS the ceiling at the Fate God's and say "Hey,,,,, excuse me,, did ya see?? I fell,, kinda got it over with for the day, and maybe tomorrow? Day after would be nice, ya think,, we good? Oh.......and the dryer door already got me today too,, see the bruise,, can we be square there for the week too?? Please!!!!"
"This chic is whack, yo!"
Where my bitches at?

My doorbell rang , It was a teenager trying to "stay off the streets, off drugs and not cause trouble in my neighborhood" (ie: Lady, you don't buy my wares, I come back and messa up u yard!! Not really,,, I kid the teenager,, I kid, I kid!!).

He announces his name and gives his spill. I am just about to break it to him that I am poor and I don't really NEED a place mat with each State's Official Tree embossed on it, when my son comes up to him and loudly proclaims "Hi Daddy!!!". We both double take over to Traxx and I look back at the boy who is mortified as he stutters out something like:

"Did he,,, uhhhh just call me his..... Daddy???"

Now my mind IMMEDIATELY wants to spit out "Yea, his daddy wanted to go to Sea World REAL bad JUST LIKE YOU!!!!" But instead I say: "What was your name again? Oh,, that name's his dad's name too!!" (and then the John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt song plays in my head loudly and I forget what happened next, but luckily I still have the song in my head to remember that touching moment by!!!
"Perhaps a Teddy Bear for the boy, they
always helped me with my issues"


YES, I have this puppy,Kaia, she is doing pretty well house breaking, BUT we are outside A LOT lately!! Yesterday, we were in the yard and she pee'd, of course I went all ape-crap and what not with the praises, then I hear my son laughing and turn to him as he says:

"I go'd pee'd too Momma, I'm a goooooooood booooooy!!!!!" proudly displaying the tell tale concrete pee painting at his feet.

I turn to him and ask; "why,,,,, just WHY?????"

In a sweet little voice he answers:

"I just wanted to be pee-in outside today too,!!!.... what???" and shrugs his little shoulders.

I do the only thing I can at this moment, I look up to the sky hold my arms straight out and say: "REALLY????? This is what ya give me today?? REALLY!!!!" Then laugh and go in the house.

Two seconds later Kaia walks up and takes a dump an inch away from my foot, she then looks up sweetly and whole-body wags at me.

I look up to the sky AGAIN,,, "Well Played Fate God's,,,,, WELL PLAYED!!!"
"Nasty animal, obviously the less intelligent
of the domesticated class!! I meant boys,,
the puppy has an excuse!!"


Please enjoy the "Barbie train a puppy" commercial and sing along:

"What will he do, puppy pee or puppy poo???"

.......Really!!!!! Those are the words!!! I can't make this crap up!!! Well,, I'll answer Barbie commercial singers.......he'll do BOTH,,,trust me!!!!!!.....sigh...face-palm!

14 Seducing Deductions:

Crunk said...

MY GOODNESS you are funny!!

mac said...

I've learned to just accept the bruises.

Yep, I fall a lot, too.

The Invisible Seductress said...

Thanks Crunk!!! smiling! I needed that today!!

Mac-me too....chics dig bruises--er--scars--smile

mac said...

You like scars?
I'm like Frankenstein over here ;-)

Anonymous said...

You are fascinating in your creativity!


Heff said...

Put some of those abrasive non-slip bathtub stickers on your floor. PROBLEM SOLVED !

Christine said...

Your problem is you are cleaning the floor too often. All that dirt acts as traction. You must let it go at least three months between cleaning for our own safety.

Anonymous said...

Don't hurt yourself before I get to see you.

The Savage said...

I like toast....

The Invisible Seductress said...

Mac- laughing--scars are cool!

Secretia- Thanks-fascinating is a great way to describe my insanity levels I think!! *smile*

Heff- I got a rug and a butt load slip tape under it,, The tape comes off,,it's bizarre!

Christine- I never thought of that, I do scrub it down a lot..hmm..

Bama- You can sign my cast all sexy and all!! wink

Savage- I like toast too,,I'll make ya some!! hug!

Crunk said...

Steve said he slept with Gemma. But Gemma's buddy Candy says it's all lies. No-one can get hold of Gemma because she went to Gambia to look for her father who was kidnapped by a hoover made of bubble gum while mining for bubble diamonds (be careful or you'll pop 'em) but she disappeared when she heard a barbershop group singing "No Woman No Cry" by Bob Marley and followed them until she fell in a sewer.

I had a point but I lost it!

My head hurts!!!

Oh yeah, you's a funny lady.

Marry Me!

"what was that?"

Oh nothing, nevermind oh look, a bee!

The Invisible Seductress said...

Crunk-ya had me at the bubblegum hoover!!! laughing

RawknRobynsGoneBlogWild said...

You are pure fun, love, and silliness!

The Invisible Seductress said...

RR- Awwwwwww that was such a nice thing to read this morning,,,smiling

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