Tuesday, December 15, 2009

It's laughable

Things that made me laugh recently!!!

Brought to you by a grant from:

The Mt. Olive Pickle Company


The Letters


*******There was a tag hanging prominently off a machine that was attached to my being at the hospital.

It was bright yellow and read:


- I don't know what that meant but I kept wishing I had a sharpie.

-Then I could change it to:


-And laugh every time I saw it.

*******My daughter has asked me if there is some rule that states "Ambulance" guys must be "hot". She vocalized that if I were to need an ambulance again I should make sure that she was there and looked good.

*******When my daughters came to release me from the hospital, a young male nurse was discharging me. I asked him a question about my incision and he wanted to see it again. We went behind the curtain leaving my daughters to giggle in the aftermath. When we emerged, the nurse left and DramaGirl said:

"You got to go behind a curtain with HIM!!! COOOOOOOOL!!!!!"

*******My son was in trouble for incessantly flushing the toilet. He later asked me in a baby sweet voice:

"Are you MAD at me, mommy?"

"You shouldn't flush the toilet without mommy". I said sternly with the proper amount of mommy finesse.

His brown eyes glimmered as he spoke the following affirmation to effective TV advertising:

"Don't be MAD mommy!! Get GLAD!!"

*******One of the ER guys had the job of outfitting me with EKG stickers. He was young and a little nervous. I was fantastic. He tried to place a sticker tab under my breast. My hands were being searched and IV'd so I couldn't help (-blush-). The sticker kept getting affixed on the underside my breast. Three tries and there was success. But not before sticking and re-sticking and leaving sticker residue junk in it's wake. My breast is still sticking to my chest.

*******I bought bread unaware that I already had a new loaf and there were 3 in the freezer. I pointed this out innocently for a gratuitous "spawn-laugh" at my expense. I got this retort:

"Mom's doing some HEAVY cooking again!!!"

*******Went to the store and saw a lady drop a box of crackers. She kicked it 2 times trying to pick it up. This sent it through the aisle like a hockey puck before she finally retrieved it.

*******I saw a dog wearing a "Snuggie" while being walked. I visualized the whole family in their own respective "Snuggie" cocoons. I mean are you really that retarded that you can't function with a regular blanket. Are you REALLY that freaking cold??? What about a robe???? Do you think the inventor of the robe is feeling slighted about his accomplishments?? I mean at least HIS solution gave you a waist!!!! What will happen if all blankets are phased out and we are all FORCED into fashionable "Snuggie" HELL?????!!!!!

I will start a "Blanket Dexterity 101" course and stop this in its vicious tracks. This will also further my multi-millionaire status and bring me closer to my goal of "World Circus Peanut Domination".

Sign up in the comment section for the class.......

*******Bought kids Cocoa Chex mix as a Christmas movie-watching treat. Let them dish their own out. "One big handful in a cup" I said. Received 3 squeaky little "OK" mom replies.

Wanted a snack tonight. Cocoa Chex mix -- just a bit. Bag felt about right after their dishing. Pour onto plate -- NOTHING but Wheat Chex. Damn it. Fold bag put away.

*******I needed undies after a nice hot shower. Nothing in undie drawer except a rogue robe belt and a lonely sock. I had just done a large load. I am saved. Nice hot undies! But the dryer is from hell. It is a stackable and I can hardly reach the clothes. Open door. A sock dives to its death. A bra follows suit and hangs itself from the lint trap. I dig in. Spiderman briefs size 3T, hmm, not tonight. Ooooooh, I see black satin! My lacies, wore them a few nights back to feel sexy. Pulled them out of my ass all night, balled them up and threw them from the bed. NOPE.... There ---- I see my pattern ---- Hanes sigma 2009 -- DramaGirls -- (WHAT THE HALIBUT possessed me to buy the SAME pattern for her???) ---- Spin basin with a grunt --- Clothes snowglobe --- festive --- reeeeeeeeeeeach --- THERE IN THE BACK!!!!!! Fruit of the Loom Goodness --- peach --- taunting me --- top right hand side --- can't reach --- spin -- grunt --- top left hand side --- damn it --- get stool --- instant access --- I'm a moron!!! Should have thought of that 30 mins. ago --- Slip on warm panties --- Next challenge please ---

4 Seducing Deductions:

f1trey said...

feeling domestic again are we? good on you...get better SOON!

I dont want the following scene to become reality:

"Kids......I know this is hard but we need you to identify your mom.........we found her in the car with all this .....jello on her"

"THATS HER!! ITS ...ITS .....LIME ISNT IT??....... we knew it we knew it...we didnt say anything buts shes been buying jello from a guy in a van downtown......we told her to stop and now look...."

if only she had tried over the counter pudding....

Spuds said...

Awesome!! Good to have you back!!!

Christopher S. Ledbetter said...

Nice post. I like your style.

The Invisible Seductress said...

OTC pudding-------mmmmmmmmm

Good to be back!

Thanks Chris!!

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