You know what???? I have been open here and given you plenty of ammunition to use me as your personal laughing target. As you can tell, I don't mind putting myself out there a little bit to pull humor out of any situation. I am about as honest and open with people as you can get.
But, I am having issues.
This whole dating thing is wearing me down. I am a laid back girl, I know I am not going to magically bump into the love of my life with no effort (unless my cyber boyfriend visits me, wink). So when you put yourself out there you can expect some issues.
Maybe I am old fashioned. Maybe I just have morals. Maybe I just use common sense (maybe). But, something is wrong with these people, something that makes even a strange bird like me go; "HUH?????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
My friends say I have a seductive nature, even when I am not trying. I see that in me, I am flirty I guess. But I don't dress hoochie; I dress closer to business sexy. And I don't talk sexually illicitly in first conversations. But everybody else does (gasp).
And there is more...
Sit down people.............This is gonna sting a bit.........
Wanna hear about it? Of course you do!! Here I go:
I have received 4 pictures in the last week of men.
No, not of their faces, not even their ass, no not of their car, or that big huge caught bass. It's not of their kids or the boat that they love and not of their church and the big sky above. They are pictures of thingies, this shy girl doest gasp! You should keep your pants buttoned and zipper firmly clasped!!!!!
Not really sure when Dr. Seuss possessed me, shhhh, I think he is gone, but, maybe I'm wrong!!!???? (Muhaha ha ha - yes, thank you, I am taking note of your recommendations and getting out more).
But the point is: Why in the hell would someone feel inclined to send me a picture of his nether regions???????? Especially in the first few conversations!!! (WHAT THE HALIBUT????!!!!!)
Now since I have not seen a full grown thingie for so long, I have to look and cock my head (no pun there, just happened, sorry) and think whoa, REALLY!!!!?????? But for the most part I get offended. I have not advertised that I needed to see that. I have not met you or talked to you for more that 15 minutes. We have not had any romantic encounter. Dude, you don't even know my last name or that I love Circus peanuts and car line dancing!
When they do this to ME, someone who verbally knows her way around a block, me thinks it's a BIG mistake!!! I am forced to play. I should feel bad about it, but I really don't. Maybe they are nice guys, maybe, but I don't need the hassle of figuring that sickness out. Does this even happen to anyone else but me????????
I ask you; what exactly is my response SUPPOSED to be to an unwelcome pipe picture????
I have come up with many different joke responses. All unique, all 100% me (all laughing at their expense)!!!!
And once again:
You wanna hear them?? Of course you DON'T!! But here I go ANY dang way!!!
"Well, bring on the love snausage baby, I am here waiting!!??????" ...NOOOO, That's not it!!
"OMG put it away!!! You're gonna KILL somebody with that thing someday!!!!"..........NOPE!!!!
"I didn't know NASA had a flesh colored rocket!!!!!!" ...........Don't think so!!!
"Oh, I see you found that missing Pygmy BOA constrictor!!!! My HERO!!!!!"..........Hmmmm, I DO kinda like that one!!!
"If I put a coin in the slot will the air come out and fill my tires???" Aha ha ha ha ha, I gotta stop...
Bow, curtsy....thank you,,,,thank you very much....HEY!!! There will be NO tomato throwing in my blog Mister!!!!!!
It all brings me back to my first apartment days. A friend and me moved in together, young and naive and ready for a little trouble. There was a single guy across the street from us. He was older than we were and never talked to us or waved. One night my roomie saw him in his front window. She screamed to me frantically to get binoculars and come see. Me being young and sweet did not have the slightest idea why.
I fought with her in shock saying, " No!! He's NOT!!!! He's just cleaning his gun, OH SHIT HE"S GOT A GUN!!!!!"
"Jannine!!!! That is most certainly NOT a gun, LOOK AGAIN!!!!!" she patiently advised me.
"HOLY HALIBUT STEW!!!! That's NOT a gun!!!!! SHIT he's looking right at me!!! I stammered while dropping the binoculars and stepping back.
"And he's not stopping!!" she said slowly, "I think this show is for us!!!"
"HOLY HALIBUT STEW!!!!!!!"
The next couple of weeks went by to the showing of the same stage production. We ignored it as much as we could. One day he came out to the edge of our yard and we knew we had to act. We called the police and explained the situation delicately. They were asked to come with no lights on and catch him in the act. We felt unsafe with him there. The next night as planned, he serenaded his trumpet. The cops came full boar lights on with no secrecy. Assholes!!!!
Our neighbor moved out the next week.
A friend showed me an interesting excerpt from the newspaper a few weeks after the incident. It was a police article of local crime activity. It showed MY address with the words "Indecent Exposure". Our call complaining about him had flagged our address as the reported activity instead of his!!!!!
I kept that piece of paper for years in case no one believed I was one bad mamma jamma!!!!!
So, in closing: I think I am hanging up my dating site gloves for a while to just enjoy relishing my own hot dog of happiness (dang, another bad pun?? I need help!! Please send help!!!).