Confession (long and not happy)

I try to be the best I can be. I give when I don’t have. I encourage when I need it most. When will this diligence pay off?
I thrive on laughter and maintain a happy persona. But, it is facade. I live through humor and the light I see in others. It has been this way for quite some time. The sparkles, diva hair and witty responses hide a world of pain.

I had been working through physical pain for so long last year and this. Not sleeping but not having the time to stop working or not take care of my kids. Self medicating, I managed to get my self up to 42 sleeping pills a night. The pain and the long nights didn’t subside with my “self fix”. It was Tylenol PM and it owned me now. It was ravaging my liver and other organs. Still I worked through with my normalcy of one liners and bad dancing moves.

In April, on the 2nd, I got laid off due to a declining market (April 1st would have worked better for this story, but they suck). My pain grew worse and by May was intolerable- I had to suck it up and be sick, my stool had turned paper white and bloody. Eating was torture. Moving unbearable. Driving dangerous. My Gallbladder had erupted in disease and was damaging everything else around it. My liver function was horrid. The surgeries started and have not ended. There have been major infections and duct collapses. I have been very sick, but again I try not to show it. I have done the best that I can to maintain smiles and the “everything is OK façade”. I am sorry for the misleading nature I feel now.

I had already been in financial hardship when this started. Now my house is in foreclosure and I await the knock of the UPS guy every day. I am somehow keeping the car payment a float through my situation but when will that end? My house is falling apart. I toss utility payments in the air and pay the ones that I think I couldn’t tolerate living without. Sometimes it feels like camping, but with no beer and songs.

This writing has saved me. If I think that one person is reading these stories and laughing, it energizes me. It is therapy. I feel embarrassed coming clean here. There are readers I will definitely wish didn’t see this part of me (mom-my sitter-Superfly-the positive blogs I follow),…..but, tonight, I have no other outlet.

I had been hooked up to a machine and in pain until Friday. The home nurse came to help. I dealt with the pain hopeful the incision and infection would benefit. I thought it had. I was free from the machine!!! (I had no strings to hold me down!! I was a real girl!!)

Until this afternoon. The incision and drainage tube gushed infection. The pain riled up. It increased to the max when I got my girls from school. It hurts to sit, it hurts to stand, it hurts to lay. I sit here shaking and crying with a temp of 102- determined not to arise my kids and do the “I need help dance”. I need a tickle or ten in the morning. I will doll my self up, and drop my kids off and make another lonely journey to the hospital wishing to be humanely euthanized!

Life is comic genius!!!!!

I write the next blog for therapy! I will not correct grammar. smile