Tuesday, December 8, 2009

Confession (long and not happy)

I try to be the best I can be. I give when I don’t have. I encourage when I need it most. When will this diligence pay off?
I thrive on laughter and maintain a happy persona. But, it is facade. I live through humor and the light I see in others. It has been this way for quite some time. The sparkles, diva hair and witty responses hide a world of pain.

I had been working through physical pain for so long last year and this. Not sleeping but not having the time to stop working or not take care of my kids. Self medicating, I managed to get my self up to 42 sleeping pills a night. The pain and the long nights didn’t subside with my “self fix”. It was Tylenol PM and it owned me now. It was ravaging my liver and other organs. Still I worked through with my normalcy of one liners and bad dancing moves.

In April, on the 2nd, I got laid off due to a declining market (April 1st would have worked better for this story, but they suck). My pain grew worse and by May was intolerable- I had to suck it up and be sick, my stool had turned paper white and bloody. Eating was torture. Moving unbearable. Driving dangerous. My Gallbladder had erupted in disease and was damaging everything else around it. My liver function was horrid. The surgeries started and have not ended. There have been major infections and duct collapses. I have been very sick, but again I try not to show it. I have done the best that I can to maintain smiles and the “everything is OK façade”. I am sorry for the misleading nature I feel now.

I had already been in financial hardship when this started. Now my house is in foreclosure and I await the knock of the UPS guy every day. I am somehow keeping the car payment a float through my situation but when will that end? My house is falling apart. I toss utility payments in the air and pay the ones that I think I couldn’t tolerate living without. Sometimes it feels like camping, but with no beer and songs.

This writing has saved me. If I think that one person is reading these stories and laughing, it energizes me. It is therapy. I feel embarrassed coming clean here. There are readers I will definitely wish didn’t see this part of me (mom-my sitter-Superfly-the positive blogs I follow),…..but, tonight, I have no other outlet.

I had been hooked up to a machine and in pain until Friday. The home nurse came to help. I dealt with the pain hopeful the incision and infection would benefit. I thought it had. I was free from the machine!!! (I had no strings to hold me down!! I was a real girl!!)

Until this afternoon. The incision and drainage tube gushed infection. The pain riled up. It increased to the max when I got my girls from school. It hurts to sit, it hurts to stand, it hurts to lay. I sit here shaking and crying with a temp of 102- determined not to arise my kids and do the “I need help dance”. I need a tickle or ten in the morning. I will doll my self up, and drop my kids off and make another lonely journey to the hospital wishing to be humanely euthanized!

Life is comic genius!!!!!

I write the next blog for therapy! I will not correct grammar. smile

5 Seducing Deductions:

f1trey said...

reality trumps all.....take heart.....there is relief when the sober truth puts you on the other side.... dont run from the truth.......you will get some peace when you recognize that ....
what is going on with the bod???

The Reticent One said...

i couldnt stop reading...thouroughly riveting

Francis said...

Get well soooooooooon.

shari said...

((((hugs)))) Mom doesn't have to read this particular post if you would prefer- Pouring out your heart never needs apologies!! The laughter is therapeutic? But So are tears.. I felt your tears when reading this and all I can do is offer my prayers..and hopefully some words of encouragement. Though I am not suffering any ailments; our situations are similar- My favorite saying of late? " Ima throw all my bills in the air? and the one that stays up there? Ima pay..:P My car people were at my door; my rent was behind over 2000.00.. I have a daughter I am putting through college and a 14 year old son; I too am a single mom.. BUT.. somehow.. by Gods grace things are s-l-o-w-l-y getting back on track. I lost a full time job last Feb. and its been hell since.. I know right now you are in your hell- but it WILL get better.. I keep telling myself that- it is my latest mantra.. I have lost both my parents young, lost everything in a fire, been left by my "forever" man..( I guess man-speak for forever is "until the next good piece a tale comes along..") But it really is true that what doesnt kill ya makes you stronger!!
take care and e-mail me if ya need to..:)

The Invisible Seductress said...

hugs back to everyone.

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