My brain is tapped out for comedy or even a smidgen of intellectual banter of the written persuasion.
This is an example of what my mornings look like:
Middle kid has been sick all night,, middle kid is the Drama Queen of the universe,, Mom wishes ANYONE else but the Drama Queen of the universe would be sick,, ANYONE!!!! (I say again for dramatic purposes) Mom gets no sleep,, oldest spawn gets a little amount of sleep,, oldest spawn is mean when she gets a little amount of sleep,, oldest spawn screams and refuses to wake up,, youngest child awakens and acts like a happy Disney character,, happy Disney characters are very freaking irritating early in the morning,, Mom feels like a Disney villain ,, there is much crying and exaggeration of illness symptoms from middle child,, Mom is trying very hard to be sympathetic and engaging while much crying and exaggeration of illness symptoms ensues from middle child,, Mom goes on an imaginary strike,, imaginary strike does not last long,, the children want,, what do they want??
What could they POSSIBLY want, you ask sweetly:
Please enjoy my favorite clip from Family Guy:
Mom has nothing to give but love,, they want more than love,, Mom deduces children must have completed advanced underground training courses in aggravation,, Mom concludes children received A+'s in the advanced underground training courses in aggravation and are now just showing off their skills,, main toilet overflows BEFORE 6AM,, Mom does not feel pretty when toilets overflow,, it makes her sparkles dull,, Mom cleans over-flowed toilet bathroom while cursing under her breath and NOT feeling pretty,, there is still much middle child gakking,, there is much ado about said middle child gakking,, middle child's symptoms advance quickly,, middle child starts getting sick from both ends now,, Mom discovers middle child getting sick from both ends moments too late,, Mom cleans up mess from middle child getting sick from both ends which she discovered moments too late and again does not feel pretty,, Mom tries hard to feel pretty,, she fains a smile,, Mom still does not feel pretty,, did mom EVEN put on sparkles today??? Mom determines that it really is too early to go back to bed and thinks about resorting to copious amounts of alcohol and wishing Xanex grew on the tree in the front yard so she could partake in it heavily..
Mom determines it is too early for Xanex and copious amounts of alcohol,, but realizes that had it been 15 minutes later,, this may have been acceptable behavior to everyone EXCEPT Dr. Phil,, Mom realizes that even Dr. Drew would have partaken in this blatant attempt to cope.. He would suggest rehab start tomorrow and offer me a hit on the downlow.. I love chocolate so I would accept..
*The following is an Invisible Seductress PSA*
Just say "NO" to drugs.... But "HELL'S YES" to chocolate!!
Mom would leave town,, but deduces that the children know her name and would inevitably follow her screaming it,, making the scene look somewhat sketchy,, Mom makes plans to change her name and NOT let her children know what her new name is..
Mom realizes the only way out of this bad day that has just started is to face it head on with humor,, Mom starts telling bad jokes and feels a little bit better,, youngest child drops too full bowl of fruity,, nutritionally void cereal on the nice shaggy rug,, Mom cries a little and looks to the sky and screams:
Mom glances at her children,, one is crying because he dropped his too full bowl of fruity,, nutritionally void cereal on the nice shaggy rug even though he will eat breakfast at the sitters and this was sort of a "snack" anyway,, son STILL doesn't understand mom's "snack" philosophy.. One girl is crying because she is sick from both ends even though she is not cleaning it up and has a cool cloth on her head and a sweet mommy rubbing her back,, one kid is cross armed and all attitude because her little sister kept her up all night,, Mom sucks it up and apologizes for the bad morning,, Mom proclaims her love for children, promises that the day will get better and hugs each child individually (although sick middle child gets a half hug pat thingy because she still looks green)..
"I love you Mom!"
This is said almost in perfect unison,, Mom now feels BEAUTIFUL!!!
Her sparkles begin to shine once more,,
...until the car stalls repeatedly before even leaving the neighborhood and youngest child,, who sits in back of mom powerpukes and mom swears the puke was perfectly aimed to fly into the square hole in the back of her head rest.....
And then he starts to sing because now he feels better,, guess what is more annoying than a happy Disney character first thing in the morning?? A happy Disney character IMMEDIATELY after powerpuking through the square hole in the back of your mother's head rest...
Please enjoy my favorite clip from Family Guy: