Beef Pit Ham is all for the Toe Jam (The Chihuahua Diaries)

Today I would like to take the time to break down some responses I have had on dating sites. My wonderful friend Robyn from: Life by Chocolate (just pretend I am intelligent enough to provide you with a link to her most wonderful site {{here}}), did this a few weeks ago and I maliciously stole her idea (of course I am hoping that with chocolate she will forgive my horrendous act).

I have not been online on these sites too much, but from time to time I pop in to see what's hanging. Literally folks, some want to SHOW you what is hanging.

I believe that somewhere there is a being awaiting me with actual intelligence, loyal and moral attributes, great teeth and an excitement to be by my side. But I already have a dog so I should probably stop going to the pound (laughing, you know you saw that coming).

A lot of guys all talk to me about world traveling, this is great as I love a well traveled man. But I am finding something odd as well. A large percent only speak about specific areas, such as visiting that grand mountain range in Asia. I love the mountains, but when the talk is ONLY about how fast we can get to the Himalayan "me" parts, I tend to get upset, I want to see other parts of the world first.

Now please know that I don't think I am the ultimate prize, or anything close to that. And I don't want to hurt anyones feelings in this post, I am simply showing a portion of the strange and the vulgar for your full interactive dating world experience. I feel that if you are really sincere, it would come through, even on a cheesy dating site, and I would never make fun or discount that.

But these I can totally make fun of and/or discount.

Here are some actual messages. Punctuation, spelling and layout left EXACTLY as posted for your reading pleasure.

From a poster which sounded sooo promising with his profile name of "ih8u":

hi sexi i wanna...

Cure World hunger? Free the oppressed? Save an animal at the shelter? Please do tell!!


I received this one on July 4Th:

Wanna see my cock?

I love when guys are such patriotic AND proud farm animal owners!


This one was cool:

i am a lonaly man. i always like company with older womans i feel more comfortedable then. i always get turned down.


Maybe because you are 10 but have the grammar skills of an 8 year old!!! Your mom should have comfortedable you more!!


This guy's profile name was "Pinkeye" and "Pinkeye" was NOT looking for anything "serious":

I have messengered you 12 times, I'm going to quit now.

Dammit, I JUST missed you!!


"Juggalo" says on May 15Th :

Ello, I hail from Gambuto, I don't write very many women on her back so I hope you will respond as you are lovely in every way.

Ello


"Juggalo" says on May 26Th:

Ello, I hail from Gambuto, I don't write very many women on her back so I hope you will respond as you are lovely in every way.

Ello again


"Juggalo" says on July 10Th:

Ello

Go away, I LIKE when men write on my back.


This is from Morocco!!!! How romantic!!!:

i am said from Morrocco im seriou and i search relationship i like you and i hope you will my love and my wife if you accep write me in: (gives email address/Yahoo IM name/second email address and what I am assuming is a phone number that kinda looks like this:2543re554220773#) i wait your respond now.

(cough) Said, please stop waiting NOW, wait LATER, procrastination is your friend accep it.


From "cooljoe":

Wanna see my cock?

Blunt protruding objects frighten me. It may poke my eye out.

Or sputter.


Awwww SA-weeeeet:

u are WOW

WOW u are....... right!!


An obvious Masterdater named "Player-something" screamed the following prose:

WHO WOULD NOT ACKNOWEDGE SUCH A SWEET TENDER YOU? I BELIEVE THAT EVERY MOMENT THAT WOULD BE HELD UNDER THE SENSATIONS OF THE EVENING ATMOSPHERE SHOULD BE WITHIN THE VERY COMFORTS OF YOUR MAGICAL ABILITIES.

Uuuuuuuuurp, magical abilities,,, I has dem!!


From "al & dawn":

you are verry sexy hot.....

Quick!!!! Is this Al or Dawn?? It matters....


A guy named after a cat writes:

iam looking forwardto madeyour body felling good allnight long love.

The "space" bar is located in the lower middle portion of your keyboard, it's also the BIGGEST key there. BTW, my body always fells good reeeeal goood (I am quite the clutz).


The "Player-something" came back to say:

Check out this web site!! Swagfunk.com

I did, and this is what the front page offered:

Welcome All Party People, Funkateers, Hip Hop Headz and Funk Swaggers!

Funk Followers are we all standing on the verge? And you know what I mean, its not so wide you cant get around it and so low you cant get under it. we all came to boogie and got to stay in step. Like Beef Pit Ham is all for the Toe Jam and a coffee cream delight cause the funk grooves your body just right. (notice the post title inspiration here, even I could not have come up with a post title that bizarre!!)

SWAGFUNK is straight up "slap the taste out ya face" funk that cracks the jaw until you hit the floor (Mel Gibson LOVES this place! I'm so sorry, it begged for it, I sold out)

The smooth groove that makes your body move and hits the rhythm flow where you need to go. Not selling a thing but telling a thing to be heard.


I JUST LOVE BEING A FUNKATEER FUNK SWAGGER!!!
(jealous much?)