Thursday, July 15, 2010

Bless me, I just sneezed...

Welcome to the part of the day

Where I drink safety out-dated Slim Fasts..

And toast to the morning with a hearty:

"WTF??? I miss eggs and bacon!!" scream!


diet Pictures, Images and Photos

A woman can't live on Slim Fast alone!!" Yes, I suppose it IS a GOOD thing that the generous Slim Fast plan allows you to have a sensible dinner! (Oh yes,,, I heard YOU! Eating an egg and scoffing at me..).

This makes me wonder though, if the doctors, scientists and management of Slim Fast had a pow wow office meeting before the roll out of the Slim Fast plan, that went a little like this:

Lab coats and Suits are sitting around a huge mahogany table. The walls are molested with Slim Fast marketing, half the room is texting on their Smart Phones under the table.

: Good morning everyone, we are very close to revealing our lustrous Slim Fast plan to the WORLD!! (raises and extends arms for effect).

**much clapping ensues**

**Skinny ass note taking secretary eats a dry donut, coughs out some crumbs, and wipes them off her note pad. Everyone stares at her for a moment but then redirect stares to the voluptuous coffee making secretary**

Manager: Yes, well, ahem, does anyone have any questions about the Slim Fast plan for the doctors?

**a hand goes up**

Fat Marketing Guy: So the plan is that we drink a delicious shake for breakfast, a delicious shake for lunch and then have a sensible dinner....

**Lead Doctor stares at him and cocks his head because this technically is NOT a question,, YET**

**awkward silence**

: Yes, Marty, that is correct.

**awkward silence**

Manager: AND!!??

Fat Marty (who swears he is just big boned): This would suggest that fat people KNOW what the hell a "SENSIBLE" meal IS, if we did, we wouldn't be fat. I feel those donuts look very sensible.... VELMA!!

**Velma coughs more dry donut crumbs, voluptuous secretary brings her water as the men stare at her heaving chest and think about her honeybuns (what?? I had to add a little sex for some of you pervs!)**

Lead Doctor: Marty what did you have for dinner last night?? Let us try and break it down, together,, M'kay??

Fat Marty (who also has been known to point at his stomach and use the line "This is my winter fur",, in public): I had a 6 pack of chicken nuggets, plain cheeseburger, large fry and I split two orders of apple pies. Oh,, I almost forgot, I had a large promotional shake,,,,, it was mint chocolate chip and a Large Diet Coke.

Fat Assistant Doctor
(who accepts his fatness but wears Man-spanxs): How long is the shake promotion? I love when they do that!! (looks around all giddy like)

**awkward silence**

: Who did you split the apple pie orders with, Marty?

Fat Marty: No one, Did I say SPLIT?? I mean "SPLIT-UP". I ate two before the burger and two after.

Lead Doctor: OK, well,, we're going to go ahead and push the release date back a few months and focus on the development of our NEW FREE "Slim Fast Diet Plan Nutritional Educational Programs".


Maybe it's the lack of food, but yesterday I had a breakdown,,,, I had a breakdown,,,,, that made me have ANOTHER breakdown...... Wow,, a breakdown "squared",,, FANTASTIC!!

"But what could make you breakdown like that Seductress??" You ask wondering if the toilet broke again.

"Your life is all peaches and cream and Green olives!!"

Why YES, Yes it IS!!

(sometimes it's fun typing words that have no direct basis with reality. For example: a flying purple unicorn dipped in Dairy Queen Ice Cream cone chocolate and dusted with chic peas and love... ....Now THAT was fun!!!)

The first breakdown was emotional and all cryee,,, the second was a laughing breakdown because the first breakdown was over something SO trivial.

I mean who has a breakdown about a.......

Did you REALLY think I was going to give it up THAT easy? Hells NO!!

Food has been an issue here. So we are conserving it as best as we can. And by we, I mean me, and by conserve, I mean not eating (kidding).

HD Pictures, Images and Photos

Yesterday Traxx wanted a hot dog. I made the discovery that I had a heel crust of bread and one hot dog left,, PERFECT. I decided to not cook the hot dog in it's own pee water, I would George Foreman it as a special treat for my spawn. It was perfectly charred. I took a fourth of a slice of cheese (wrapped the rest back up cause I'm frugal like that) and a douse of ketchup and adorned the crust with it's condiment love (and my kisses).

Traxx stood happily holding my last bargain paper plate with my "artists rendition" of bread on it. I placed the hot dog on it's new diggs. The fact that Hot dogs are cylindrical and bargain paper plates are flimsy, came to haunt me as the hot dog rolled off it's mattress of bread toward the edge of a folding paper plate.

(The following happened in slow motion. Please read it as so to enhance the interactive qualities of this post,, thank you!!)


(Traxx stands unaware)

I decide quickly that instead of just grabbing the hot dog, I would support the crumbling plate and thus save the hot dog. This works in my mind but not in my reality. In my shock and the onset of a life long traumatic incident,, I slap the bottom of the floppy plate. This sends the hot dog catapulting into the air. Over my head. End over end. Cheese hugging its body for dear life.

(Traxx still stands unaware, I assess he may be a bit slow, but because he is handsome, it may be endearing)

The rogue hot dog continues it's journey until it slaps the wall. This was some Cirque De Soleil hot dog talent shit because instead of landing on the little dresser thing, it hit the wall, corrected itself to a completely vertical stance, and slipped BEHIND the dresser, leaving a bloody trail of ketchup in it's wake.

Now,, it is either trapped between the wall and the dresser thingy, or it has dove to the depths of a "behind the dresser un-vacuumed in ages" floor. So instead of falling to a somewhat clean kitchen floor, I propelled it into the hot dog abyss.

(Traxx realizes his lunch is missing from his plate and reacts the only way he knows how, he hits his knees and whines in another language, the dogs in the city, struck by this penetrating display of inexplicable decibeled temper, howl from the ear pain)

I decide to move the dresser and console the hot dog instead of Traxx. When I pull it out, it has a mini M&M and half a Cheerio on it. It also has been viciously attacked by the carcasses of 10,000 starving dust bunnies. I decide NOT to eat the mini M&M in a unbridled display of will power.

(Traxx sees the hot dog and remains on his little knees to praise the Cylindrical Meat Gods)

I then make a decision that alters my day and elicits an epic breakdown. I peel the cheese clinger off the dog. I rinse the dog. I start to sob about being in a position that I would actually feel the need to wash a dirty hot dog to present to my son to eat. I pat the hot dog dry. I retrieve the rest of the cleverly wrapped, frugally maintained cheese and say: "Screw it, this dog deserves to be enrobed in cheesy goodness!" and wrap the rest of the cheese slice around the dog.

With a smile, I replace the hot dog on the, now standing, child's plate and cautiously carry it to the table myself. As he sits down, I ruffle his now "too long to faux hawk" hair and kiss him on the cheek.

(Traxx is now giddy again and I decide to let him be "slow" for as long as he would like, I'll just buy a helmet for his safety)

He does not eat the hot dog. Apparently it is gross now. I begrudgingly give him oatmeal. I take a bite of the hot dog. I am saddened at it's is now "very apparent" to me, grossness. I give it to the puppy who thinks it is a steak, this makes me happy again.

A few hours later the second breakdown comes as I realize I had a freaking epic emotional breakdown about washing a damn hot dog. This is very comical to me because I like bizarre humor.

I am now laughing hysterically AGAIN.

Technically this is breakdown number tres over a hot dog.

I really need to get out more.

10 Seducing Deductions:

IT said...

It is absolutely that something as simple as a tube steak can provided much entertainment for many people.
You always paint a vivid picture.

Anonymous said...

Oh god, story of my life here. I commiserate. breakdowns are good for the soul, they cleanse us!

Cal's Canadian Cave of Coolness said...

I don't mean to laugh but you are so damn funny! You should write a book while you are recovering. This stuff is gold. When you make ME laught out loud then it's funny. I knows me the funny. That is why I love you, I never know where a story is going. Oh, btw, "Cirque De Soleil hot dog talent shit" may just be the funniest descriptor I have ever heard.

Anonymous said...

Its like I was watching this in 3D.. its was so real that I had to duck when the round thing that was made out of mystery meat sored into the air do back flips as it went.

I stood and clapped as the Cirque De Soleil hot dog came back for a encore performance. God Seductress you kill me with laughter... I dont think when we sit on your porch that it will be dull at all....

we will laugh all night long....
*winks* well maybe not all night.....

Blasé said...

Get out and get some sunshine, Sunshine!

TS Hendrik said...

I'm glad you could take your misfortunes with the hot dog and laugh about it here.

I always thought they should make a SlimFast Slurpee.

mac said...

I doubt any indignity could make a HotDog any more gross than it already is.
I mean, they're made from lips and asshole anyway !!!! How does one top that? ( I know! with a greatly written story ;-)

I remember we used to eat hotdog soup...that's where dad cooked them in water, ate the dog, then gave us the "soup".... Yumm !
To this day, I don't like boiled hotdogs. No, I make mine in the microwave. I cook those dogs to the point of puckering in remembrance of their asshole past .

Mike said...

You are funny, and very prolific. I can't keep up with you because of my crappy cell phone.

PS I left a comment on your last post too.

Ca88andra said...

I totally agree with Cal - you need to write a book! BTW - perhaps the hot dog was alive when you put it on the plate and it simply jumped to what it perceived might be safety?

The Invisible Seductress said...

It-it was a sad day for the hot dog. smiling

D-everyonce in a while a good cry rocks, but not over a hot dog..laughing ;}

Cal- <3 you to my love!!

Sir- The hot dog encore did not go that well sadly,, but it was a grand moment here!! winks

Blase- I do need to get out a bit,, that's for sure!! xoxo

TS-Mmmmmm a slim fast slurpee is freaking GENIUS!!!

Mac-Hot dog soup,, really,, now I am sad again!! :(

Mike- I will upgrade you selfishly when I get rich by selling an invention or something!! <3

Ca88andra- I never thought of it that way!!! Hmmmmm

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