Thursday, July 29, 2010

(insert superhero music here)


I woke up in the middle of the night with a raging headache. Death seemed to be the only option at this point but I shrugged it off, guffawed at the laughable pain tolerance levels of the commoners and took my superhuman status to heart.



I stood on my bed with my hand over my heart, my red yellow zig-zagged "Invisible Seductress" cape blowing from the breeze of the ceiling fan whirling above my head, one leg bent as if it were rested on a recently climbed mountain top and in the "side profile superhero stance" of comic book legend, I made my speech against the evil that was trying to conquer me and put the universe in imminent danger of losing The Invisible Seductress to laugh at save the world from evil and bad comedy routines, OH,, and also from Green Olive over crowding at the super market (it's really what's best for the pickles)!!

The speech sounded like this:

"Good Lord PLEEEEAASE make this pounding go AWAY-AY-AY-AY!!!"
(only in a much sexier and deeper super-heroesque way)

And then I tried to hit my knees to sob, but my cape got tangled on the high heels of my super-sexy superhero black boots, dropping me like it's hot, to the floor, where I then proceeded with the sobbing.

The search for my headache remedy spanned the entire square footage of my sprawling lair. With my speed, night and X-ray vision, I was to make short work of the task and realize that I had no worldly relief capsules at hand.

"GADZOOKS!! Sparkleboy!! What ever will we do now?"
(Sparkleboy was sleeping, so this was really just for effect)

But alas, my amazing memory bank threw up a 3D vision of a bottle of Ibuprofin I had possibly overlooked in my purse!!!!

"ZAM-SWISH-ZAHOOOOOOOEY!!!!"
(I flew to my purse then)

The super-heroesque music and voice had started to irritate me at this point so I flipped the record player that was blaring: "Music to save the World by"/ The Monster Super-hero weakness ballads edition.

And dialed down my voice back to normal for the rest of the search and recovery as well as for for the entirety of this post (unless you just feel like talking awesome).

My purse yielded the prize of the aspirin bottle, but it felt empty, as I opened it I was relieved to find 4 red pills of Ibuprofin headache happiness. I choked them down as fast as I could and laid my head down to dream of bunnies and joy.

Strangely, I woke up with a worse headache and another daunting symptom.

You may have mistaken this morning sunrise for what actually happened. Let me explain.

Women normally have a bottle of pills in their purse that carry a selection of pills for every need (we're cool like that).

Tummy, PMS, Headache, Migraine, The stopping you from killing someone pill (I heard some folks had them) and possibly....

(TMI WARNING):

AZO Standard.... (Urinary tract infection meds that I put in when I was pregnant with Traxx and out of town ,,, just in case) that look JUST like generic Ibuprofin..

And as women know,, they drastically discolor your urine...

My pee is now a color I can't even describe "as a color" because it is more of a radioactive glow than a color. It even makes that "buzzing" sound of "electrically charged" radioactive glow.

Aliens have called me to inquire about the "phenomenon" and I talked them out of dissecting me. They have however taken a brain scraping because they feel my intelligence is even more superior than that of their cat leader: Shuravfsk Sssskkkp and my mad mascara skillz are worth cloning into their next generation.

Beams are shooting out of the toilet and gracing the eastern sky with a pseudo sunrise with each visit I make.

So this morning as you looked out into the morning sky and admired the beauty of our hot star of life, know it was actually courtesy of this "hot star" of the blogosphere (laughing).

GOOD MORNING WORLD!!!

10 Seducing Deductions:

Sir Thomas said...

You are my Hero…

So glad it was the ceiling fan that had your cape moving and I breathed a sigh of relief.

*yells* Save the green Olives!!!

So when do we get to hear this super hero voice anyway?

*timeout* High heels are part of the super hero outfit? Oh damn it I want to see it now!!!!


So it seems you are static charged down below huh…. *thinks to himself*

*whew* so was it all just a dream?

The Wolf said...

Your pee is doing what ??? lol too funny

jinksy said...

Hope at least the headache has gone now...

MJenks said...

Most of the time, when I wake up with a headache, I try to ignore it.

Once, I staggered downstairs, forced as many children's strength ibuprofen down my gullet as I thought safe, and then, in lieu of pulling myself back upstairs, I simply fell asleep on the kitchen floor.

I awoke and the headache was worse, too. Adding insult to injury, I was shivering freezing cold. I came down with a nasty cold later in the day, which might have been why the headache was pounding on the inside of my skull in the first place.

In short, I feel your pain. Just not your glowing yellow pee.

Kal said...

You had me at cape and super-sexy superhero black boots then lost me for a moment with radioactive pee and had me again by the end. I know that costumes I will be storing in our 'tickle trunk'.

Powdered Toast Man said...

I loved it. I was rolling when I read Sparkleboy. I assume that he is gay with a name like that or at least metrosexual.

You should do a vlog about your mascara skillz.

RawknRobynsGoneBlogWild said...

Oh, hon, I'm sorry your pee was radioactively hued. Has it toned down? It's time to feel better, because - LOOK AT THAT, GIRLFRIEND, YOU'VE GOT 200 HOT FOLLOWERS, HOT LADY! You're smokin'. Congratulations!!!!!
xoRobyn

mac said...

about 8 years ago, I had a stomach ailment that I was trying to ignore. One day, about two months into it, my ex found me balled up in the fetal position on the floor of the bathroom. Finally, I agreed to see a doctor.

The damned fool gave me Nitroglycerin (just to check???) which added a monster headache to my already unbearable stomach pain.

After two days testing, they decided I needed to drink some kind of radioactive "milkshake"... WOW! I had some of the oddest bodily secretions I have ever seen, glowing green pooh !

They never figured out what it was. But, after amputating $15,000 from my net worth, I was cured !

Georgina Dollface said...

I hope you are feeling better today. I am impressed at how funny you are even when you feel like your head is split open. I will go look out the window now and think of you. (I'll probably also think of you every time I see glowsticks, fireflies and highlighter pens from now on.) - G

The Invisible Seductress said...

Sir- A green olive creedo rocks!!!

Wolf- sexy idnt it????!!!

Jinksy- Thank you!! I'm fighting it!!

Mjenks- But the glowing pee was the best part!! winks.. Sad thiking of ya on the floor :(

Kal- winks--- :}

PTM- The world indeed needs a mascara tutorial!!! ;)

RRG- WOOOOHOOOOO! They like me they really like me!!!

Mac- laughing - green pooh trumps glowing pee any day!!!!

Georgina- That's too cool!!!!!! smiling...

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