Sunday, July 18, 2010

Bitch Lessons,, for beginners...

I need them. I have never been a bitch, I don't think I have it in me. I try and see ways around bitchy behavior if at all possible, but lately the circumstances are changing. You can mess with me, that's one thing, mess with my family or friends, you're looking for big trouble mister.

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Bitchy Pictures, Images and Photos


I am tired of having the "WELCOME" sign that is stamped on my heart, stood on by assholes just wiping their feet to spite me. One more step and a few people are going to be losing appendages.

I can justify saying this because I do know I am capable of pissed off behavior that would blow your mind (laughing, probably not, but it sounded good).

I have spent time in Russia and have been flirted with by members of the Russian MOB in Siberia (Russian Vodka intoxication need not be addressed). I was nicknamed "Taz" for the way I handled tough situations in a welding hat (and an AK-47 that we shot WITH the Russian officers) there.

I have pulled full grown stupid ass men out of the back of cars by the scruff of their necks for screwing with my passed out drunk friends. I stood them up and dared them to breathe on me. It sounded like this:

"Just do it, breathe, and I'll leave my trademark sparkles in your tears!" (laughing again)

Being a friend like that is worth the risk for me.


I realize that being 4'11" AND having sparkly eyes puts me at a deficit in the "fierce" department, but when it matters, I will take you down.

Lately I have been hearing the same thing from those who know me.

"You have to learn to be a BITCH".

Why shouldn't PEOPLE have to LEARN to play nice? Don't we have this in reverse here? We now live in a world that cruel behavior merits otherwise sweet people to lose their pleasant demeanor to survive. I think that sucks. Treat people how you would like to be treated, I suppose now that is all bullshit.

It's all about YOU...

...YOU, YOU, YOU, MARSHA, MARSHA, MARSHA!!!

You don't take care of anybody but yourself and family, nobody else matters, right?

What happens to good people? They get screwed, and not in a fun "OMG,, this is the BEST sex EVA!!" way either. Some end up like me. In a rotten situation fighting for scraps, getting meaner and madder everyday AND HATING IT!! ( I am now growling at you)

It's hard to try and teach your kids empathy and trust when EVERYONE seems out to screw them over. What a hard balance to try to attain, to be giving and NOT have everything taken.

I think I will create a new company

Introducing:

The
"ACCREDITED BITCH"
referral service

What can "A BITCH" do for you?

With our NEW ground breaking referral service, you will have access to the services of a specially trained, fully accredited, field experienced BITCH, 7 days a week, 24 hours a day and 365 days a year**!!

All this for only $39.99 a month*!! That's only around .11 cents a day!! Less than a the cost of one mini M&M!!

*Monthly fee of $39.99 covers our basic access plan, upgraded "A BITCH" levels are also available. Pricing on request

**excluding national "I Am In Control" day on March 30Th

By phone, Internet or with home visit appointments in extreme uncomfortable situations, your specifically chosen, nose twitching, forehead vein popping, cappuccino IV'd BITCH will be your unlimited access to respectful treatment in every situation. She'll drive her 90 year old sugar daddy's BMW to your location while wearing Louis Vuitton stilettos and the knowing smile of an unending arsenal of verbally refractive statements.

"A BITCH", will give you the latest and most celebrated BITCH experience and PROVEN: Handled with "A BITCH" results.

Successful male BITCHES, though rare, are also available (by request only) with ACCREDITED BITCH referral services*.

*Men BITCHES/ASSHOLES normally hate resolution through any type of verbal interaction and may even end up in a physical confrontation or leaving all together. The "A BITCH" referral service, extensively trains our male BITCHES or "MITCHES" as they are known here, for these sometimes tense verbal situations. Our MITCHES handle "A BITCH" client situations proficiently and are successfully used to verbally resolve conflicts WITHOUT physical confrontation. Call ahead to schedule an appointment with one of our very talented, well dressed MITCHES ...
TODAY!

24 hour "A BITCH" services include, but are not limited to:


**Speaking to retail managers about a shitty service or products*
*Consultation is free if you do not receive compensation in excess value of service and/or product. Reasonable pro-rated compensation for your valuable time spent wasted in conflict, will also be refunded

**Conflict with proper salary compensation for services and/or products rendered

**Fee/Fine reversal*
* In most cases fees and fines are fully reversed even if it is your error


**Ex's who are BITCHES/ASSHOLES

**Home Owners Association battles about a blade of rogue yard grass

**Nurses who "keep trying" (while smacking gum) to hook you up to an IV

**The line-jumpers who feel that their time is more valuable than yours

**Judging hypocritical in-laws*

*Ex-in laws also handled (for an extra fee)

**Anonymous comment writers

**********

The circumstances in which the ACCREDITED BITCH referral service is recommended are virtually unlimited.

And what is the most important benefit to our service??


YOU get to stay 100% sweet and unscathed by the World's determination that "nice guys/gals ALWAYS finish last".

Always having someone to "handle" the assholes of everyday life effectively..... $39.99 a month.

Staying hopeful in the sweet spirit and general kindness of mankind........

Priceless.......

13 Seducing Deductions:

Cal's Canadian Cave of Coolness said...

"Just do it, breathe, and I'll leave my trademark sparkles in your tears!" That is the hottest thing I have ever heard you say. MEOW.

Crazy Brunette said...

Hell yes bitch!!!

I'd be your number 1 employee hoe! Everyone wants me to handle their shit! I'm ready when you are hooker!

I'm only 5'0... Short people can be scary too!!! Just look at my blog... Everyone is scared shitless of me!

The Wolf said...

Not a bad idea, and yeah I agree it's backwards but if you don't turn into a bitch or an asshole you never get anywhere but trampled. I had to learn that the hard way myself years ago. I try to be a good person when I can, but when someone wants to screw with me, things get ugly fast.

mac said...

Too many people confuse "nice" with "weak".

I may, on occasion, be nice, but don't trust that I am weak, a few have been hurt by that mistake.

Don't give up being nice. Just be forcefully nice ;-)

The Insomniac said...

I'm a new reader of your blog...love it. I can't explain how I wish I could keep humor in my life when things get down. Regarding this post...I agree...nice people get screwed all the time. It seems that the bitchier you are the better your life is. I don't understand this concept. I was always taught to be polite and nice to people. The nicer I am, the more I get sh*t on. For some reason though, I just can't bring myself to be a total bitch to someone.

I look forward to reading more of your writing. I will keep you in my thoughts and send positive energy so your situation gets better.

Sir Thomas said...

omg... where do I send the check?

do you have like a VIP membership?

meetings and conferences?


How bitching would that be....



Now thats hot.... sparkles or not....

The Invisible Seductress said...

Cal- I was trying NOT to be a bitch and my only really bitch comment was HOT!!! laughing...sigh facepalm

CB- You are too cute to be a BITCH..fierce YES!!! winks..

Wolf-Just a little sad, but I am learning...

Mac- sounds like a great plan!!

Insomniac-Humor is all I have right now it seems,,Thanks for the well wishes..they help!! smiles.. and I am sending hugs back!!

Sir- I know,, this is kinda a good idea...laughing

Georgina Dollface said...

I agree that it's harder and harder these days to just be nice without someone getting their knickers in a twist about it. These days, everyone is so guarded and paranoid about getting screwed over that they think someone being nice is crazy or a fraud. So sad really. - G

Heff said...

DON'T take Bitch lessons ! Trust me - they're NOT in short supply !

The Invisible Seductress said...

Georgina- it is sad,,,

Heff- I know that's true!!!!

mac said...

Well, that, and your math sucks.
Real bitches know math. Trust me here, I lived with one for a while ;-)

RawknRobynsGoneBlogWild said...

Can I be your Company partner? Please, oh please? Thank you so much. I mean, yo, let me be in on dis one wid ya and we be fierce throughout da world.
xoRobyn

Camren said...

Bring on the bitch, bitch!

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