Random snippits of relative unrelativity..

I have not been sleeping at night. It pretty much sucks having 24 hours to think and try not to eat a box of cereal or the couch because I have no boxes of cereal in the house. I love the couch, I would hate to see it nom, nom, nommed on, so, I just lick it and cough out pretty, pretty, throw pillow hairballs!!

This 24 hour thought process is draining except that my brain is so talented at diverting reality and ciphering humor into things. I love that part of insanity. I highly recommend it, although NOT alone at 2AM that's just weird.

The programming at night wreaks of my failure as a human. People scream at me to get up off my couch and do something with my life. Pointing out that I am on the phone all day anyway, why don't I make a call that counts for something, I think the suicide hotline would be VERY upset at their crass approach to the value of my life.

Perhaps however, I shall enroll in a substandard trade school. Culinary school perhaps, or maybe train to become a court room reporter. There is also a possibility that I may be a fine artist and not know it.

I have drawn the Tippy the art test turtle. Tell me what you think.

Original Tippy

My version of Tippy

They nailed me on missing the hat reflection.

So I tried again.

They said I needed to work on my realism.

One more try and I was in!!

I also really, really want a Choppy and a Sham wow now.

I heart "As seen on TV" items.

At 3:15AM being able to fashion a cupcake the size of a Volkswagen Beetle seems vital to my my life.

Mmmmmmm

(Although I must confess as I was drawing this wonderfully realistic cherry, I thought of how sad my life must appear to you, I mean really,, who turns a VW Beetle into a cupcake in their blog?)

The following picture has absolutely no relevance to any part of this post. I just kinda Y it!!!

MUAH BABY!!!!

I would like to take a moment to comfort my men readers. I have had a moment of enlightenment while watching these infomercials about some common male "problems".

Your "dysfunction" does not concern me, neither does your small length or one "position" stance.

We can now "extend" to proper length when I purchase a multi-positional extension ladder, you can attain maximum length whilst not being limited to any one position, the possibilities are virtually unlimited!!! We can also stow it away in any small vertical location. This is very good news.

Yes, I did finally bite the bullet and put my couch up for sale. Prospective buyers are really not enthused about my couch "visitation" schedules. I don't give a shit, my couch would be emotionally scarred if I were not in it's life. I think shared custody is best at this point. I tried to give it full on "props" in the ad. It is working, I am getting responses because of it's beauty and the beam of heavenly light that flows down on it that would cast an angelic light in any home. I need to get over obsession because I need the money right now. I figure by the time the background and DNA tests on the prospective buyers come back I will be on the road to recovery. The lie detector testing will also buy me some healing time. WHAT??? I need to make sure that furniture is respected in the new owners life, no grape soda drinking whilst perched upon Sandi (you plan on allowing people to SIT on her??? GASP). And also, Sandi loathes couch sex, not that she EVER had to worry about that here, but we HAVE talked about it, as I am a responsible furniture owner.

In a sadder news issue. It seems I have finally fixed my toilet. Well, at least the "does not flush" issue seems fixed, the "gets backed up" malady is still there because my children eliminate poop the size of Smurfs, there is a new Smurf colony shat every day here.

Please enjoy the following comic interlude:

What color does a choking Smurf turn??


Dude, it's a freaking joke!!
And exactly where ARE your PANTS anyway????
This is a FAMILY ^%%#!@# Blog!!!

And now back to your regularly scheduled post, already in progress..

This "fixing" news is not sad for the joy and excitement of not having toilet water splashed on my face, but for another reason. Sexual fantasy speaking, my plumber sex drive is high. I will have to furnish another sex fantasy to get me through. I (of course) will alert you immediately as this happens. I am hoping that it deviate from the elderly Walmart greeter route.

Hmmm, I forgot how yummy Macgyver was...

Speaking of him,, you would be surprised at the imagination used in my fixing of my loo. I suspect it would be similar to Macgyver living on the site of a huge scrap yard adjacent to a Dollar Tree (you know he would run around all ,, ahem,, excited).

There was a safety pin, silicone, a bottle rocket, a beer, many precise welding molds, sparkle dust, a live giraffe came and put his hoof in the tank to secure a crack whilst the silicone adhered properly. Oh yes there were also a few gems (yes, gems!! Used for spacing, my toilet has "BLING" now!).

It IS possible that I am exaggerating about some of the items used. There was not a bottle rocket,,, that would be ridiculous as it would not light under water, what's wrong with you today??

But it is fixed now.

Bless me Father,, it has been about 2 days since I last dipped my hands in toilet water.. (Your basic bathroom confessional humor, you're welcome!)

I am all frothy about the lack of toilet interventions.

As frothy, but not limited to the level of frothy I was when I found out John mayer FINALLY noticed that my body is indeed a wonderland and sang about my pair of candy lips and bubblegum tongue.





It was a damn shame they could not pay me enough to take the time out of my busy schedule to do the video with John. As now it is subpar.