Saturday, July 10, 2010

A few Poems, A Lil' Ranting and Motivational Music.. OH MY!!!!

No taking my smile!!

You tore off my wings with one yank then questioned,
"why don't you fly anymore?"
You starred in my nightmares then wondered so stupidly,
"why are you scared of your dreams?"
You gutted the core of my soul with a smile and asked,
"why are you so flat?"
You took all my hunger and fed it with hate but,
"why am I so thin?"
You stared at me seething until I looked away, asking,
"why are you so afraid?"
You angered me, to the point of redirection but
"why did I wait so long?"
You made me stronger in ways you can't fathom, yet
"why don't I feel indebted?"
You took all I had and when I got my wings back,
"why didn't I fight from the start?"
You kneel there pathetic, asking for pardon, and
"why would I give that to you?"
You thought I lost everything, I had to offer but
You never saw what I found!!

Another life ago, I believed in happy endings
and I thought I was safe in the mask.
Another life ago, I dreamt of finding true love
and I thought I had succeeded that task.
Another life ago, I could see the hope of progress
and I thought it would never end.
Another life ago, my doubt and fears were fading
and I thought my soul would mend.
Another life ago, I wouldn't think I could get stronger
and I'd thought of just letting go.
Another life ago, is gone, with each waves crashing
and I really am glad this is so.

What should be penned of love and of distance?
Some loves traverse it, while others transcend it.
So what would I pen of love and of distance?
True love holds no space that a heart can't contain it.

Love. Pictures, Images and Photos

I love the rain, it hides all these tears.
Still I'm wet and I'm shivering, it highlights my fears.
You take me in, I am warmed by your laughter.
I'm completely safe here, I know what your after.
You wish me the joy that you've had in your life.
With years of sweet bliss, devoid of all strife.
I wish that for all, you deserve it the most.
I feel safe in your heart, a most cherished host.

And now a word from our sponsor:

holy money Pictures, Images and Photos

Never mind I'll talk...

Less than a quarter tank of gas. .69 cents in the bank. Minimal food. 3 kids and no evidence of change. This is where I stand. Trying to stay/be positive takes a lot of effort. I imagine knowing that I need surgery and can't seem to get it, and knowing that on 8/01, I will be considered in contempt of court in the eyes of The State of Florida for not paying Child Support, and knowing I will turn 40 in a few months, am sick, am going to be homeless, devastatingly financially deficient and alone, does not help with the motivation of staying positive. I look back and I really can not see where in my life I have EVER been evil enough to take on even ONE of these plights, although I did steal lip gloss as a child, but I returned it the next day, still, I can't see life continuing to dock me happiness points for THAT.

Life does not work on the premise that good people get spared from hardship. People say: Stay strong for your kids. I can't give up because they need me, right? I obviously know this is true. But, I can't help but wonder if they would be better off without seeing me go through this. They must REALLY think I am a loon knowing some of what that I am facing and yet I still smile, laugh, sing and play with them. But, I am getting tense about how much of things they eat/use/ruin. Going to the store with only $4, needing toilet paper that costs $3, and I try not to yell at them every time they go to the bathroom or monitor the amount they use, because really, how long can it last?

It's at night, like right now that I fall to pieces. And not in a happy Patsy Cline love sort of way.

I will watch things disappear around me in the survival effort. Meager belongings that I may get $50 for and are not only worth much, much more monetarily, but are priceless to my heart. The whole scene of strangers "bartering" with me about price, as I cry, haunts me, but I am told they are just things. They are just things until they are YOUR things. I have nothing from my childhood, circumstances beyond my control caused that. I lost a lot by selling things at another tough time when my son needed medical equipment and medication, I carried with me only the things that touch my heart for some reason or another, and now even they are on the line, I know they are just material things, but still it saddens me. I don't know anyone who has loved a couch so much that for over 7 years they became a couch Nazi and allowed no buttocks to park there. Insane. Really freaking insane!

But I have to survive, keep my car somehow, feed children (the only funds coming in my house right now are from Food Stamps $187 a month to feed Traxx, the girls get stamps at their dads, but I have them here and I have to feed them as well, and they are tweens who are food vampires). School offers free food, but it takes gas to get there.

My brother has recently came back into my life. He has offered to help and has been my only ray of hope. Still, I wonder why this hurts so bad. Him coming back to find me in the worst spot I have ever been in. Not the vibrant positive force I once was and always try to be. Wondering how a woman, turning 40 (that's rough enough people isn't it??), a good person with over 21 years work experience and success, a loving, dedicated mother with a big heart and nice hair, that never did anyone harm, can end up LOWER than "square one".

I will have to leave my girls with their dad and move 9 or so hours away for a time, I can't breathe as I type that. Could you live life,, without your life??

But, I have a son to take care of as well, and I can't do that here, not right now, I am obligated to him and his needs as well.

I will have to somehow get this surgery done, recoup the 8 to 12 weeks (as it is a major surgery), pray I find work that pays enough to actually pay child support and medical for my girls (which if you see my "deadbeat mom post" you know that is another story), and save up enough to come back, get an apartment and pray I find another decent job to start all over again here. I do know I can do this, but, it is daunting, terribly scary and so shattering that I have to leave my children. I know you all know from reading my posts what those girls mean to me. Someday I will have them back full time as it is meant to be and have another lovely couch that they can not sit on as I take back my role of Couch Nazi!!! (wink).

I thought to prepare, I should give blood, then sell plasma, thus taking baby steps towards finally selling my body to the night. (Laughing, you know this is a joke, at this point I'd GIVE it away for FREE to a handy plumber or pizza guy with questionable morals bringing free pizza and soda ( I miss soda) for some MILF summer lovin'. Or hell,, I need a hair cut soooo bad maybe there is a lonely stylist somewhere?? Eeeeeeeeep).

I had even had a thought of how I will continue to wear a sexy, smoky black eyeliner by smudging coal and soot around my eyes from Hobo bonfires under a bridge. A diva living on the street will have to be resourceful like that!! My daughter said to me that I need to try and not be "Hobo Hideous" and then she laughed and laughed because that's what we do here at Seductress central.

I am not writing this for comments, although your support does mean the world to me, I am writing this as a message to those that CAN offer help, please find people in your area that deserve it and give them a little leg up. I know there are people who are not genuine in their need, but in this economy their are plenty of people who really are. There are people that are NOT working the system and the system is NOT working for them. There are people who have been kicked in the face so many times they can't feel the blows anymore and are contemplating NOT getting up this time. I am sure I am not the only person going through things that seem so unfair and out of the scope of positivity.

I am not a whiner (although you couldn't tell that from here-- ha). I will come back and share my humor with you as long as I can and as long as you bring me into your day. I won't be a negative force in your blog life, I just needed to put this out there. I will probably take it back as a draft 15 minutes after it's posted and replace it with a post on how I know that the devil invented pop-tarts, but I am eating half of one right now and thanking God because someone gave a box to me and the kids.

It's all about the small pleasures in life.

And now for some motivational music.

Whatchya' gonna do?? We CAN change the world!!


He's HOT AND motivational!! I am NOT going out like this!!

14 Seducing Deductions:

mac said...

You know the old saying, "What doesn't kil us, makes us stronger" ?

Well, my dear Seductress, you are a very strong person ! I wish you didn't have to be.

You will coninue to fight. You will not give up!
Why? Because you will beat this shit, you're gonna whip it's ass !

Blasé said...

I don't believe you are turning 40. But I do believe you will be able to look back on this chapter of your life as a wiser and victorious woman.

Pearl said...

What Mac said. :-)


RawknRobynsGoneBlogWild said...

Have I told you lately that I love ya and I'm so proud of you? I do and I am, more and more. Your brother's coming back into your life is the blessing that will carry you through all this crap. Your poems are publishable (easily). My favorite line: "You never saw what I found." Keep taking it breath by breath, my good friend.

Anonymous said...

Those poems are amazing. Seriously amazing. The line about the rain hiding the tears struck such a cord.

gayle said...

You really should look into getting your poems published!! Hang in there!!

Anonymous said...

I wish I could do something useful for you right now. But like you suggested, I will look around my community and see what I can do to help others. It all adds up and if I can change people's attitudes about things, or change public policy, then maybe that's a start. Hang in there. - G

Heff said...

Damn. You DO have a lot on you.

I wish you the best.

Anonymous said...

you are the grestest person in the world... all you have on you and still a BECON.

you need a studio to make and sell your art...

I wish I was a lawyer... you would not be paying susport that just seems wrong here unless I have missed something which I dont think I have.

God I know where your kids are in the middle its so hard....

if I could put olive spread all over you to make it better I would...

fuck where is my magic wand when I need it most!!!!

IT said...

"I am not a whiner..."

No, you aren't.
I can understand why it took awhile for this post to appear.

The Invisible Seductress said...

Mac- That's what they say... I think they know what they are talking about!! ;}

Blase- Can I be foolish for just a night or so? Please... winks...hugs

Pearl- Thanks.. hugs.. I need all the nice smiles like your I can get!!

RRG- I hope to make ya prouder!!

Snafu- I would love to one day.. Thanks a lot!! That makes me smile!!

Gayle- One day, you'll get the first one!!

Georgina- There are little things that are huge to people. Like toilet paper,toothpaste shampoo, cleaning supplies and such, that stuff is expensive and not chosen over food. And Food Stamps doesn't cover it. It's scary being here but my life and attitude have been changed forever!! Hugs

Heff- Thanks...smiling..All of these written hugs help so much!!

Sir- I am not the best, just having to try and be.. Hugs.. Find your wand and come have lunch..

It- I don't like posting them ,but my heart is heavy with worry and it helps a little. Smiling is better though, I'll do that now.. hugs

Joedian said...

Hold on.. There is a golden pot at the end of your rainbow.. :-)

Dutch donut girl said...

Some people endure much more than most of us ever think about having to.

You deserve better than your current situation.
I'm glad that you have your brother to support you now. Better things will come your way.

The Invisible Seductress said...

Joedian-Thank you!! I am holding... smiles and hugs

DDG-I know they will. I am being patient..

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