Wednesday, July 28, 2010

It's all about patience son... and direction....

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Normally I wake up entirely too early. It is usually not my decision to grace the world with my presence so soon, it is my son's. There is normally an issue with a food item not opening (or even worse spilling) or a Traxx "turtling" poop emergency. These are really great ways to wake up I suppose.

At this point I will do the following:

Behead the turtle, feed the spawn.

And think:

OK. What do I absolutely need to do BEFORE I can take a nap?

Followed by:

OK. What can I cut out of the list of things I absolutely need to do BEFORE I take a nap?

Shortly thereafter there is:

OK. The only thing in my list that I absolutely have to do BEFORE taking a nap is:


(You all are welcome to use this strategy)

I really enjoy watching people do stupid things. I am an expert at this and should be the first "America's Funniest Home Videos" reality show "spin off" cast member.

The "stupidest/clumsiest" contestant wins free medical services for life and a full body set of safety pads.

As much as I fess up to being an idiot, as a parent you really don't want your children to do things that question their intelligence level. As if you being an idiot on your own is OK as long as your kids are not idiots.

You get an "I'm and idiot TRUMP pass" if your kids are intelligent.

You could do something like: Lick a metal pole in Minnesota in January and then say:

(please read the following line with your tongue protruding for maximum interactive blog enjoyment, thank you)

"My ton id in Hahvad tudiyin olecula enetics!!"


My otter eaks ree iffernt anguages!!! nd elts eed eeedy eole!!

The entire fire station and news room staff would immediately stop what they are doing and praise you as a parent because you obviously can't be THAT stupid.

I usually pick out my sons attire, if not, Hulk would accompany Spidey which would accentuate Superman, which would be topped off with froggy rain boots. And I am already wearing THAT outfit today,, sooooo.

He did well, picked out long pants and a button down with Nemo undies. But he forgot to change his underwear and had already put on the long pants (I think clean undies are essential to letting him sit on furniture or my lap, so I let him know of the egregious mistake).

He was upset, apparently even for him, 5 Am is a ridiculous time for such activities. I was pretty quiet, but firm. He sat on the floor and for the next 20 minutes I watched my son try to take his underwear off WITHOUT taking his jeans off. I explained calmly that he would HAVE to take them off eventually, so why not just do it now, but he was certain he could accomplish this feat without taking the "extra" effort of dropping trou.

One inch at a time, in full body whine mode, he made slow progress before finally snapping the underoos out towards my face with an "I told ya so, smirk".

I knew that putting ON the NEW pair of underwear while wearing pants is impossible, but I remained quiet as he tried, and tried, AND TRIED.... and calculated this problem, because he KNEW this WAS indeed an attainable goal for the day.

"Take you pants off" I calmly suggest again.

"I got dis" He counters.

"OK" I say remissfully and continue smoking crack, swigging beer, popping pills and watching Barbie doll porn (it's all over the blogosphere now too).

Now THIS is entertainment.

Finally beaten, he took his pants off with a labored huff and said:

"I guess I have to take dem off first"

"Yes, son, you do."

"You shoulda dust yelled at me to do it mom, I'm gonna go lied down for a bit!!"

It's always the parents fault!!

"Mom can we have ICE CREAM????" She rambled on, while drooling a bucket on the floor and eliciting the attention of the other restless natives.

"Well I guess you can get a scoop or so, on a cone."

"COOOOOOOL" can we have a small amount of chocolate syrup?" she asked, stretching the inch into the proverbial mile".

"OK, a SMALL amount" I said, giving in to the summer temptation of a rare moment of filled mouths and silent reflection.

Let's recap the directives given to the eldest of the Seductress clan shall we?

One small scoop (or so) on a cone, with a small amount of chocolate syrup.

The result:

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12 Seducing Deductions:

MJenks said...

You know, for some strange reason, it seems to me that you'd be able to put underwear on a little more easily than getting them off while still wearing your pants.

I think this needs to be tested and retested in strict laboratory settings.

mac said...

I don't suppose going commando, like I do, is a viable option at his age ?

Still, ya have to give him props for getting the undies off while wearing briches. That's talent !

Kal said...

"I got dis" - line of the week. I would have split my head open just watching that but you obviously have the patience of a saint. You are just lucky he didn't wear the underwear on his head, under the helmet. Just kidding. Frankly at 5 am he is going to be wearing that garbage bag poncho I made for him. Can you see why I have no children. Teaching them brings out my creative side though.

IT said...

"He sat on the floor and for the next 20 minutes I watched my son try to take his underwear off WITHOUT taking his jeans off."

That line alone made this a good read.

BTW - one of my all time favorite lines is, "His feet were so big he had to take his pants off over his head."

Blasé said...

Your son's last statement TO you carries much more teaching FOR you.

It is extremely important for children to learn 'Obedience' rather than to figure out something for their self. Your command, and assuming he would obey your command, would have saved him unnecessary aggravation.

It wasn't important for him to find out he was wrong, it is important for him to learn that Mom is the Parent/Leader/Ruler of the family. In this situation, he is correct to blame you.

Let's think...

If your son didn't believe you when you told him- "Don't touch the top of the oven because it will hurt you". And you let him figure it out on his own...........

No, this was not an "oven" situation, but the situation was an ideal time for your son to learn the importance of obedience.....Just because Mom said so.

The Invisible Seductress said...

Mjenks- Laughing...probably

Mac- Mad skillz!!

Kal- Poncho would have worked well!!!

It- Ahahaha Those are some BIG feet there!!

Blase- I should have intervened, you're right. It was early and he was humoring me. But he did learn a lesson. I still am learning with everyday too.. "Autopilot" parenting never works, even at 5AM.

The Urban Cowboy said...

Oh, kids...they are priceless little gems in our lives. :)

Anonymous said...

hmmm just dont seem right burning them little fingers..... well maybe not the best use of the example. But you sis all right kid...

RawknRobynsGoneBlogWild said...

How does one "dust yell"? I'd like to learn that. I think. (?)
Love to ya,

Autumn said...

why is it that our little boys *not sure on girls cause i don't have any* always need to challenge us, then blame us for not telling them? hahaha! both total cuties you've got there.

also, i think might one of the clumsiest, silliest girls around sometimes and i'm pleased to report i've got 2 intelligent boys.

haha...part of the charms i think! ;)

Anonymous said...

Wait? What? He got his knickers off without taking his pants off? How? I'm confuzzled. You might need to draw a diagram. Wait on second thought, don't. I don't REALLY need to know. It's just that I thought only girls could remove undergarments without taking off their clothes. (Somehow this comment is just coming out all wrong.I'll stop now)- G

Midwestern Mama Holly said...

taking the underwear off before taking his pants off...lmao!! Oh how I needed this laugh. Thank you !!!

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