Seriously I do need a hug! Please make arrangements to come and hold me as soon as possible. I know I have been a little needy lately and I am sorry, my life is changing in a lot of different craptastically enhanced ways right now (yes, you may steal the word craptastically from me, because no one can say I don't give a shit(word)).
You'll be happy to know that besides Vegas style hot dog dare devil renditions, other things happen here to. And a woman who cries over Vegas style hot dog dare devil renditions, must already be a bit fragile right??? Yes, this is a good deduction and also why I keep you around because you are intuitive to my whims.
Lately I have been doing things like separating the double ply toilet paper into two rolls. The problem with this is that there is no one around to tell me how awesome I am for A. Being THAT dedicated to my budget constraints. and 2. Because my 1-ply never breaks and somehow ends up properly aligned on the empty tube I recycled from the trash bin, and that's just awesomepants material there!!.
When I take on this frugal feat, I sit cross-legged wearing nothing but tube socks and a less than slightly secure toilet paper bra in the rays of a warming sun. I feel that it is very important to be "at one" with the "tube" AND the paper I am violating. This is a strategy that I suggest not be done in the front yard IN direct rays of warming sun as I had previously eluded to. Bystanders do not really understand the importance this "OHM-OHM" moment and invariably cops and firemen are called to my residence.
It is distracting when all of these people come to sit in your front yard wearing only tube socks and make-shift, less than slightly secure toilet paper bras, joining you in this rather calming act of frugality. Some people should NEVER wear a makeshift, less than slightly secure toilet paper bra. (And if they are going to bring a picnic basket, they could at least share their damn sammies with their "OHM-OHM" frugality host,, eh??)
And then there is the issue of mascot wanna-be's:
I have nothing to say here
And the protesting mascots wanna-be's:
This guy came in from over seas.
Roughly translated this reads: #%$@#$%$%^^
Roughly translated this reads: #%$@#$%$%^^
Today I had to make a very daunting decision. I have had a lot of daunting decisions lately, but from now on will try only share the ones that can be perceived as "moderately small" or "insane" things to worry over. I will leave serious matters aside for a while. This is my promise to you. Hey, I even added this photo of my eye so you can look into and trust I am telling you the truth, not that it REALLY should matter THAT much to you, but still.... (my fingers were crossed a lil bit).
Tonight I watched my identity swirl down the proverbial drain of life. I crashed to my knees in a scene certainly slated for Oscar nomination or at least a Saturday Night Live parody skit.
No, it was not a "Last piece-o-bologna stuck to the ceiling" Seductress Opera or even a "huge ass Green Olive jar dropping fiasco" in the W to the mart aisles.
This is far, far worse, my people of great mind and statue carving worthy bodies (Rest assured, when I carve your likeness into a statue I will leave your perfectly toned arms on).
It has to do with my hair. I hear the collective gasps.
Thank you for your attention in this all encompassing matter at hand.
My daughters were trying to bribe me for a cookie the other day by rubbing my head. My head collapsed in their little enterprising hands until one broke out with a shocker:
"Your hair is like 3 different colors, mom!"
"Go get a cookie and leave me alone."
"No, really mom (inspecting hair further), it's red, black and uh,, ( I hear the question in her voice) WHITE??!!"
"Go get HALF a cookie and leave me alone."
I don't know where the "white" came from, but she was right, there were some strands of,, er,, white.
So, WTF!!! Even the spring chicken gets cool colored feather dye??
This rare gray hair sighting could only be attributed to global warming as I am a spring type, eternally youthful, chicken (MILF).
I've always had red hair. Well, that's a lie. I have always had extremely dark hair with natural deep red highlights IN it. So I put that awesome deep red color all the way through because I can rock some red.
You know what they say:
You can sleep with a blonde, you can sleep with a brunette, but you ain't getting NO sleep with a RED-HEAD!!
I Y my red hair and I am kinda known for my "rocker-chic" style and color.
But not anymore sports fans!!
You see red is the hardest color to keep dyed. There is nothing worse than a faux red head with brassy, faded locks or a bad case of "some of these strands are NOT like the others " -itis.
Hey!!!!! Do you remember THAT part of Sesame Street???
Oh watch it, you know you WANT too!!!
Damn it cookie Monster, give me more time to figure this out for myself!!!
So,, since now I also have to change my hair styling products from "cheap" to "almost free" it strips down that red faster than a pregnant cookie monster spits out her broccoli. I think the brand of shampoo I am using now is called: Economy Sized "Miracle Bubbles", you can find it in the toy aisle, that's odd product placement, I know, but the miracle bubble marketers know what they are doing because they even included a fun shaped back scratching wand in the bottle!!!
Used in only the finest of salons!!
Hair wildness and fantastical eye sparkles are the only two "cool" things going for this nerdy mom. But I can not spend money on things like that anymore. Even being frugal, before all this happened, I would still wait to buy my color until it was BOGO. So luckily,, I had one left in my closet from my last purchase months ago. I took in my "pretty rocker-chic cool red shade", and traded it for the (mouse squeak) "Darkest Espresso Brown" (Supposedly Penelope Cruz's "signature" color,,, urp).
I watched my youth and originality spiral down the shower drain.
I know IT IS my NATURAL color, but still,, I am sad.
Join me for the part of the post where the Seductress gets down on her knees and screams:
WHY God,, WHYYYYYYYY???????!!!!!! (In that stuttering pathetic cry)
Sad kitteh cries because you scoff my pain
I can only assume that a lot of you ARE scoffing at my pain.
I still Y You,,,You,,, RUDE PAIN SCOFFERS!!