My son was irritating me. I understand and respect this because it is his job and my children have always been very career minded. All day he was a monkey. It would take about 5.2 minutes for the "OOOOO-OOO-EEEE-EEEEE -AAAAH-AAAAAh's" to become extremely annoying to a sane person, luckily I am insane, so he had about 7.6 minutes. But even being insane this noise became increasingly piercing because I am a Princess. You know the story of the "Princess and the Pea"? Take that theory and replace it with sound waves, uh yes..you picking up what I'm puttin' down??
I was very annoyed and tried to tell him that he was making the elephants in our jungle VERY sad because they have such big ears. You may not be aware of this but when the elephants are sad they eat a lot of cookies!! I told him that we only have a few cookies left, so we had better be extremely cautious NOT to annoy the elephants into eating them. He remained a monkey and an elephant ate the cookies. Today, I turned from a Princess to an elephant, hopefully I will turn back into a Princess again soon.
I went into the bathroom and closed the door to be relieve myself from the monkey, and also my bladder. The monkey barged in with all his crazy monkey-ish antics. In an act of desperation and the increasing quest for a moment of silence, I told the monkey to stand outside the door and made a bold move. I slammed the door (lightly of course) in the monkey's face demanding just a moment to myself without the monkey. I heard my son say:
"Heyyyy!!! You hurt monkey's feelwins, now he's sad tooooo!"
"But are you sad, Traxx?"
"No, I'm fine.... I'll talk to da monkey doe, monkey's need choc-O-late puddin' when dey're sad, he'll be fine, I'll take care of dis."
Dramagirl and I had a very unique conversation about dieting in the car.
It went something like this:
"Mom, what's that thing you have that makes you stay skinny even though you eat all wrong and junk?"
"Yes, METABOLISM!! I think you should have a strong one to keep you skinny until you are old and it doesn't matter anymore, don't you?"
"Well, that would be nice, but how old?"
"I'm thinking 30" she said as she bebopped to Rhianna.
(seriously, the world should have heard my gasp here, like a shock wave, did you feel that on Friday?? Yea,, that was me!!)
"So 30 is OLD!! And now that I am a little over 30 it doesn't matter if I'm fat?" I ask hoping she would redeem herself.
"Well, there's really nothing else to do AFTER 30 is there???"
My diva eyes glared deep into her doe eyes for a moment calculating my next response.
"I HOPE TO HOLY HALIBUT THERE IS!!" I distraughtly squeaked.
"CRIMINEY JICKETS Drama, that's just awful!!"
"I said it's alright to get a little FAT mom, it's not like DEATH, it's OK to be fat, if you're HAPPY!"
I cocked my head a little, like a puppy hearing a squeal, sweet response I thought, and with a possible note of redemption.
"I'll extend the new "fat rule" till 40, OK mom? That gives you more time to do things, how old are you again? I always forget."
The inside of my car turned into a slow-motion clay movie as I responded. Every syllable taking a year or more to spit out, every motion delayed to be captured in the heat of the moment.
(please read this in that slow motion deep voice for maximum shock factor!)
"I-W-I-L-L- B-E- 40- I-N- NO-VE-MB-ER-ER-ER-ER-ER!!!-!!!-!!!"
(yes, there was even reverb)
Dramagirl looks out the window before sympathetically replying:
"I can't extend this anymore mom!"
It took her a while but she finally made it home, walking a few miles is good exercise.
If she wants a strong metabolism until she is 30, this was an excellent way to start.
Please enjoy a "Seductress Approved" video...The EPIC RAP BATTLE: