Saturday, July 24, 2010

The first eva.. "So,, ya gotta love it, Sunday Seductress Shorts"

My son was irritating me. I understand and respect this because it is his job and my children have always been very career minded. All day he was a monkey. It would take about 5.2 minutes for the "OOOOO-OOO-EEEE-EEEEE -AAAAH-AAAAAh's" to become extremely annoying to a sane person, luckily I am insane, so he had about 7.6 minutes. But even being insane this noise became increasingly piercing because I am a Princess. You know the story of the "Princess and the Pea"? Take that theory and replace it with sound waves, uh picking up what I'm puttin' down??

I was very annoyed and tried to tell him that he was making the elephants in our jungle VERY sad because they have such big ears. You may not be aware of this but when the elephants are sad they eat a lot of cookies!! I told him that we only have a few cookies left, so we had better be extremely cautious NOT to annoy the elephants into eating them. He remained a monkey and an elephant ate the cookies. Today, I turned from a Princess to an elephant, hopefully I will turn back into a Princess again soon.

I went into the bathroom and closed the door to be relieve myself from the monkey, and also my bladder. The monkey barged in with all his crazy monkey-ish antics. In an act of desperation and the increasing quest for a moment of silence, I told the monkey to stand outside the door and made a bold move. I slammed the door (lightly of course) in the monkey's face demanding just a moment to myself without the monkey. I heard my son say:

"Heyyyy!!! You hurt monkey's feelwins, now he's sad tooooo!"

"But are you sad, Traxx?"

"No, I'm fine.... I'll talk to da monkey doe, monkey's need choc-O-late puddin' when dey're sad, he'll be fine, I'll take care of dis."


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Dramagirl and I had a very unique conversation about dieting in the car.

It went something like this:

"Mom, what's that thing you have that makes you stay skinny even though you eat all wrong and junk?"


"Yes, METABOLISM!! I think you should have a strong one to keep you skinny until you are old and it doesn't matter anymore, don't you?"

"Well, that would be nice, but how old?"

"I'm thinking 30" she said as she bebopped to Rhianna.

(seriously, the world should have heard my gasp here, like a shock wave, did you feel that on Friday?? Yea,, that was me!!)

"So 30 is OLD!! And now that I am a little over 30 it doesn't matter if I'm fat?" I ask hoping she would redeem herself.

"Well, there's really nothing else to do AFTER 30 is there???"

My diva eyes glared deep into her doe eyes for a moment calculating my next response.

"I HOPE TO HOLY HALIBUT THERE IS!!" I distraughtly squeaked.

"CRIMINEY JICKETS Drama, that's just awful!!"

"I said it's alright to get a little FAT mom, it's not like DEATH, it's OK to be fat, if you're HAPPY!"

I cocked my head a little, like a puppy hearing a squeal, sweet response I thought, and with a possible note of redemption.

"I'll extend the new "fat rule" till 40, OK mom? That gives you more time to do things, how old are you again? I always forget."

The inside of my car turned into a slow-motion clay movie as I responded. Every syllable taking a year or more to spit out, every motion delayed to be captured in the heat of the moment.

(please read this in that slow motion deep voice for maximum shock factor!)

"I-W-I-L-L- B-E- 40- I-N- NO-VE-MB-ER-ER-ER-ER-ER!!!-!!!-!!!"

(yes, there was even reverb)

Dramagirl looks out the window before sympathetically replying:

"I can't extend this anymore mom!"

It took her a while but she finally made it home, walking a few miles is good exercise.

If she wants a strong metabolism until she is 30, this was an excellent way to start.

Please enjoy a "Seductress Approved" video...The EPIC RAP BATTLE:

16 Seducing Deductions:

Dutch donut girl said...

Tee hee... I really needed a laugh today.
I'm so glad there are still some 'normal' people in the blogosphere.
Yes, I just called you normal.
I'm sorry, Princess/elephant.


Anonymous said...

I've only got a few years left now too before the rule no longer applies to me. Eeek! Then what?
I'm the same way as you with certain noises: people screaming when they sneeze (it's not necessary you know), any episode of Family Guy, and the sound of diners who drop their spoon in their bowl every time they take a bite. Seriously, put the spoon down quietly already! - G

Anonymous said...

You know there are just some places that are meant to be off limits and sacred such is the bathroom...

I can understand the confusion in the age thing but even after she knew... no extensions *sighs* that was just wrong. She might have been on foot for the remainder of her metabolism.... lol...


40 is not all the bad.... omg November.. really?

Midwestern Mama Holly said...

That explains why Ive let myself go to hell and dont care about it! Its not really me.. its my over ( way over ) metabolism! Yeah old age. Thanks for stopping by my blog. Im so glad you did, because now I know of your blog too!

The Wolf said...

I needed a good laugh this morning, this post rocks. Glad to see the fat rule was extended to 40

Kal said...

This is why I am glad sometimes that I have no children. Holding back the sarcasm would just make my head explode. How do you stop from saying what you are REALLY feeling??

RawknRobynsGoneBlogWild said...

How can your kids be so darn cute and loveable, yet such evil devils at the same time? Naturally, being 44, I just don't get it! (In more ways than one, damnit!) Laughs and hugs to you, young, gorgeous friend.

The Urban Cowboy said...

Ha, now that's funny stuff! No extension for you past 40 though (I'm surprised you even told us), better get going on doing stuff. :)

mac said...

A few weeks ago, I payed my offspring to mow the yard (he shoulda done it anyway!).

Now, my yard isn't huge or anything, and I mow it in without break. The boy, however, was on his FIFTH break when I informed him that the Soda Fountain was temporarily closed.

"But, Dad, it's hot!"

"I know, Son. However, you've already taken four breaks to my none. Do you mean to tell me you're going to let a Fat Old man outwork you???"

Then, he said IT..."You're not that old"

I wonder how much time I'd get for killing a 16 year old.

Cheeseboy said...

Loved the rap battle. I am over 30. My life is over.

Missed Periods said...

"My son was irritating me. I understand and respect this because it is his job and my children have always been very career minded."

How are you so brilliant!

The Invisible Seductress said...

DDG-Being a Princess Elephant is a good gig..;}

Georgina-I guess we have to just make the best of it :( ...I HATE that noise TOO!!! And when people scrape forks on their teethe...shiver

SIR-40!!!! ACK...Im almost there...oh well I still look good in sparkles, and there is no sparkle cut off from what I have read!!

Holly-Was so cool to find you too!!! :). At least now we have an excuse..right??

Wolf- laughing..wonder what other rules we can stretch..

Kal-You would probably be similar to me-probing questions to little minds is awesome, the duct taping the mouth ritual is also fun!!!

RRG-The lovable is all me-everything else environmental..sigh I do not get it either,,,sighs,,nice having a partner in the dry spell,,,smile hugs

Urban-Nope, no extensions!! Shes a cruel dictator!! ;} . sigh only a few months of frivolity left!!

Mac- Too funny!!!! bwahahahaha

Cheeseboy-sigh-I am working on the extensions, the government approved some, maybe she will too..

Missed-Really, brilliant?? I gotta go talk to Ms. Fawcett from the 5th grade. She will never believe I turned out brilliant. Can she call you? Hugs and thanks and smiles!!!

Anonymous said...

Hmmm lets take this to the kids and ask about the sparkle thing... i would like to know what they think...

i can't see my grandmother in them so there must be one, right?

maybe we dont want to know?

The Invisible Seductress said...

Sir- We don't,,, we really don't. just let me have this one...winking sprakled eye

Copyboy said...

Any story with a monkey, elephant, and Bill Clinton has my vote.

Anonymous said...

Check it.

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