Chuck Norris APPROVES this post!!
Chuck Norris APPROVES this post!!
Does this ever happen to you?? I probably shouldn't ask questions like that because no one really attains the same level of absolute asinine absurdity as I do and it stings a bit..
So,, scratch that last paragraph and we can move into the uncharted territory of my absolute asinine absurdity.. And you can all wish YOUR brain looks as pretty as mine in a sparkled Tu Tu,, and danced half as well..
It happens at night.. I usually put the BS2000 Suction Cup Extractor Pro model on at around midnight.. I like the BS2000 SCE Pro model much better than the BS1999 1/2 SCE model because the improved suction cup leaves a smaller hickey mark on my forehead..
Oh,, maybe I should backtrack a bit and explain what this apparatus does.. You see,, my head is full of such wonderful amazing things that in order for the world to enjoy them,, the BS2000 SCE has to extract them,, multiply the images,, sounds,, smells,, and distribute them around the world (some items are put through language modification and ethnicity programs before distribution)..
If it was not for this nightly extraction of my fabulously beautiful and extremely wonderful concoctions of awesomeness,, you would live a life without things such as (but not limited to):
Puppy breath and pudgy puppy bellies,, double rainbows,, ducks wearing no pants but a sailor hat and coat,, unicorn dreams and the neon coloration of their manes and tails,, cotton candy Ice Cream,, baby giggles,, sparkles (I own the patent),, long bumpy slides,, your "last" first kiss,, canoodleing with hot people,, punchlines (but only the good ones,, Gallagher distributes the rest),, spaghetti noodle sucking Cocker Spaniel lovers,, The "We are the World" song (but none of the re-makes),, finding $20 in your winter coat pocket,, The disappearance of David Blaine (and his reappearance in a block of ice in a highly anticipated Vegas telecast),, The fake marshmallows in "Lucky Charms" cereal,, The YMCA dance moves,, David Beckham's abs,,Encores,, Fireworks perfectly overhead..
I could go on and on,, but basically,, for anything fantastical,, send a nod of thanks to The Invisible Seductress..
So after the extraction,, I fall asleep from my tireless gift to the world.. Normally around 3Am I wake up from the nightmare of: A bear wearing tap shoes and a top hat,, eating me like corn.. There is nothing more frightening than a tap dancing,, top hat wearing bear (without a dancing stick) leaving you as a pile of nibblets and doing that sideways tap dance kick thing while tipping his hat at you charmingly..
Then,, I lay in my lonely large tempurpedic topped bed on my back staring at the ceiling.. It is then when I try to make tempurpedic mattress topper snow angels to help my mind wander from the "being eaten like corn" incident.. It is surprisingly difficult to make tempurpedic mattress topper snow angels because of the viscosity and nature of memory foam.. I usually try around 8 times before laying in silence and hearing a child snore from the next room.. This pisses me off as I see it as them rubbing it in that they are sleeping peacefully and not being eaten like corn by dancing bears,, I wonder: What I have done to deserve such a tragic dream life??
Next I look to my left at my "manpillow".. I notice that it is laying their like a lump.. It always lays there like a lump,, not offering any comfort or warmth,, not laughing at my hilarious brand of comedy,, not serving me Jello,, not blessed with any type of sexually gratifying skills or apparatus,, taking up the right half of my bed so I can not stretch my arm out fully.. I then think that I should re-name it "My-EX",, and smile..
The random thoughts of things I dis-like start,, I will share some with you now..
I dis-like Schizophrenic texters and emailers.. These are texters or emailers that start more than one texting or email thread about totally different subjects.. One is like: When are you getting that 11Th toe removed?? And the other is about a Gerbil on YouTube that can burp on command.. In extreme cases they start even another texting or emailing thread that simply reads: "LOL",, you never know to which of the previously written threads this relates to,, but one can only assume that an 11Th toe removal does not merit a "Laugh out Loud" response..
I dis-like it when a toddler decides he does not appreciate an item of food on his plate.. It is almost immediately that he strolls over to the knoshing parent making a shitty "I can't believe you feed me like this" face and spits the item onto said knoshing parents food.. This is rude..
I dis-like it when a slice of cheese refuses to open correctly.. The fold at one side invariably mis-fires and the slice of cheese tears into a 1 inch strip and a 3 inch strip.. This is not a hard puzzle to piece back together,, but I can not help but wonder what a whole piece of cheese would taste like,, certainly the integrity of the slice is compromised..
When a manufacturer develops an "easy-open" tab on the top of a product,, I dis-like it when it does not cause easy opening.. The little plastic piece that says "grasp here and pull to open" invariably rips off and you end up biting the microscopic tab that is left behind and pulling while trying to curse. I furthermore dis-like getting a mouth full of prepared yellow mustard as I curse.. Grey Poupon comes in a jar,, Do you have any??
I dis-like when Patrick Swayze (RIP) says "ditto" in Ghost.. I feel that the mourning character that Demi plays deserved a fully spoken "I love you" from her dead mate.. Whoopi was obviously delivering the line incorrectly..
I like the alien from Bugs Bunny a lot.. I dis-like when Bugs Bunny puts his hand on the aliens helmet and taunts the length of the alien's arms and torso..
I dis-like thinking about what the inventor of the "penis pump's" penis looks like after all the prototypes..
I dis-like that every sitcom has a smart character and a dim-witted one.. This has been done too many times already.. I would like to instead see a genius paired with a talking goat of a slightly higher intellect.. This is the new future of comedy.. Highly intelligent goats would also choose what garbage to eat more carefully causing many comedy enrich hi-jink moments..