The letter "R" stole my childhood!!

SAY IT AGAIN!!!!

I was born in Pennsylvania. That's pretty far North, at least the last time I looked. We moved around a bit and ended up in the South. But I kept something from the North with me after we moved. The lack of skill or desire to properly enunciate the letter "R". You see, I am with the folks from Bahston on this one. I prefer to "Pahk my Cah" instead of "parking" it. I can't help it. If it were up to me "Q" would follow "S" and "R" would be a "sometimes" letter similar to how "Y" is being whored out in the VOWEL line up.

See how sad the letter "Y" looks here???


The letter "Y" is always getting screwed!!


***More on the unethical treatment of the letter "Y" later***

I heart the fact that Elmer Fudd refuses to EVEN use the letter "R",, in fact,, he makes the letter "W" interchangeable with it. Genius!

"My HEWO"

I was swiftly kicked in the ass and sent directly to Speech Therapy once I made it down South. These days they would not put you in therapy for an accent, but back then they thought they needed to "fix" me. And fix me they did! Now I have a distinct southern drawl and still stumble over my "R's".

So now,,,,,, I can "Pahk my Cah,, Y'all!"

The kids these days mispronounce and slang everything up. Is there a speech therapy class for that? In a song my kids were listening to, I heard a spitting rap interlude where the rapper said:

"If you don't believe me, ask Mmomanem....".

OK, so is this a break out new rap artist who used?? Eminem as a muse for his name?

What exactly is a Mmomanem?

Let me introduce you to
my professor in SLANG ARTS:


"MsDebate"
..ain't she cute!!

(tapping chalkboard for your attention)

Slang Dunce: What in the Halibut is a "Mmomanem"??

MsDebate: "Mmomanem" means: Ask my mom and them......What's wrong with YOU? YOU can't hear that??

Slang Dunce: (raises hand politely) Really???? Are you being cereal????
(see what I did there??? Cereal/serious....I slay me...I mean really..ahaha....)

MsDebate: (fake laughs at my verbal joke drawing attention to the fact that it was pretty lame)

**Class Dismissed**

So now DramaGirl is in speech therapy because SHE has a problem with her "R's" also.. (Well played letter "R",,, well played!! That damn letter continues to haunt me!!)..

But here's the thing,,, she LOVES speech therapy!!! They play games and watch movies and eat candy and sing and tell jokes and,,, and,,, and ,,,,,,, and ,,,,,

Dammit,,,, REALLY?????!!!!

This is NOTHING like what her Mmomanem did in speech therapy!!

As much as I am happy for her in that she is LOVING the class,, I feel slighted because my speech therapy was torture! We actually got called "RETARDED",, well,, I got called "TARDED" 'cause I couldn't pronounce the "R" which meant I was too "TARDED" for the "RE"........sigh..........

My speech therapy instructor praised us in monotone similar to how the farmer praised the pig in the movie "Babe"...That poor pig could have made gasoline out of his own spit..

....... and the farmer would still send out a dry:

"That'll do PIG..... That'll do....."

My speech therapy experience consisted of sitting on a red chair, on a red circular braided rug, in the middle of the class, and doing vocal exercises, whilst the teacher stood to my right with a ruler and an attitude..

Over an hour of:

R-R- R- R- R- R- R- R- R- R

Raaa-Rooo-Reee-Raaa-Rooo-Reee-Raaa-Rooo-Reee

Teacher: Say "R"!

Me: uhhhhh, "R" ?

Teacher: very well.. Now say "URL"!!

Me: "URL" ...."URL"!!

Teacher: fine.. say: CuRleRRR

Me: CUHLAH? (smiles meekly cause I knows I did wrong)

Teacher: (FWAP--- ruler abuse)....*sighs*

DO IT AGAIN!!!!!

Me: *sighs*

R-R- R- R- R- R- R- R- R- R

Raaa-Rooo-Reee-Raaa-Raaa-Rooo-Reee-Raaa

I'd like to meet up with that speech instructor and....

...... put a foot up HER ....ARSE!!!!!

But....... Whateva'....... I'm not Bitta'

On another note..........

Please support
your local chapter of:

The "Y-no-Y" Foundation


- NO -

The "Y-no-Y" Foundation was organized to fight for the equal rights and ethical treatment of the letter "Y". We must stop the blatant snubbing of this letter from the other members of the alphabet. The letter "Y" deserves to fit in, it is currently falling through the verbal cracks and being defined as "usually" a consonant along with the letter "W" ,,,, and only "sometimes" a vowel.

The letter "Y" deserves an identity all it's own and the "Y-no-Y" foundation strives to achieve that lofty goal and Y-Y-Y-YOU can help!!!

By the way folks:

Today is the last day to qualify for the "100 Post Giveaway"!!! So COMMENT!!!

Each comment counts as one entry and I will draw from a hat,,,, the winner will get a piece of my stained glass artwork, painted especially for you and..... You can choose the design....cause that is how I roll, Yo!!!

Good Luck and I hope someone actually wants this prize....*shrugs*

PIMP my CAST!!!

The following post has been rated:

I never claim to be sane. In fact I probably am one of the most honest and open insane peeps you'll ever send Green Olives and mascara to. But,,,, I am usually intelligent enough to use products with safety in mind. Like I don't normally blow dry my hair while taking a bath. I have however,,, been tempted a few times to curl my hair while sleeping. (I am glad THAT warning was on my Conair!!!). I do know NOT to eat the silica gel packets when I come across them in my new shoe boxes.

Do I put grocery store plastic bags on my head,,, nope..

Running with scissors,,, maybe,,,,,

....but only because it makes me feel a bit scandalous!!!

BUT,,,,,,

I didn't really read the bottle of super glue whilst I was using it to bedazzle my drama queens cast (story at 11!!) until AFTER three of my fingers were stuck together and my thumb was no longer opposable ( I never felt closer to being a dog than I did at that very moment,,,, yelp).

The bottle,,,,, just to be clear,..., says avoid contact with skin!! It also states if there is a skin contact issue...... get finger nail polish remover,, sigh of relief.....

I HAVE finger nail polish remover!!!

Ever get into a situation in which you KNOW you will recover from and you KNOW it's not a big deal but you feel trapped in a way that causes you to panic in a way that is probably not normal for an adult? Did ya ever?

(Dramatic silence designed specifically so that you can verbally insert your "I was trapped and I panicked " story here.... go ahead.... don't be shy.... we'll wait......)

OK,,, FINE,,,, don't play along.... here's one of my "I was trapped and I panicked" stories, so there is not blog dead air...... I hate an awkward blog post silence......

One day I was in the restroom of the courthouse for jury duty and my panty hose somehow got twisted around the sturdy and fabulous swirly bracelet I was wearing... I could not free them. And of course I didn't want to get a run in my panty hose and be all unkempt all day,,, so,,, yes,,, it was a nail biting experience!!

Those hose were twisted up so badly I found myself doing a masterfully orchestrated Cirque Du Soleil contortionist act to try and take them off..... but I couldn't get my wrist out of the bracelet,,,,, so basically I ended up standing there hoping to God they didn't call my name and with my hand firmly attached to my side,, waddling like a penguin.

When they DID call my name,, I started to cry,,, (cause I had been in the restroom for 30 minutes by that time and I was lonely and amiss). Ten minutes later a (barely) female bailiff came looking for me and I screamed out for help. I also questioned why I was the only woman who had to urinate,, in such a long expanse of time (which she thought not even the slightest bit comical).

She brought me scissors and I cut my way to freedom and thanked God that I had at least taken the time to do a "drive by" shave on my legs that morning. This situation as a whole was apparently humorous enough for the (almost) female bailiff to share in the court room. I know this because the Honorable Judge cracked up when he saw me, the (slightly) female-ish bailiff was uncontrollably seizing with laughter and everyone else snickered as I passed by shaking my head and apologizing for the delay.

I did not get chosen for that trial and I threw away the bracelet of doom.

Where was I going with this? Gosh sometimes I lose myself,, You're still reading?

Wow,,, I owe you a pimped out relish tray don't I??????

Nom Nom Nommy Nom

Oh yes,,, now I remember...My fingers are stuck together and my elbow has been bedazzled with two gems via...

"The Great Super glue Catastrophe of 2010"

I DO have fingernail polish remover,, but alas ,, IT IS NON-ACETONE fingernail polish remover,,, and the warning label specifically states ACETONE FINGER AIL POLISH...

Yes,,I HAVE NON- ACETONE F'N fingernail polish remover
(I say again harshly for dramatic emphasis).

I then freak out in a way that is probably not normal for an adult,,, but I still decide to soak in it and see what happens, I can deal with a gem encrusted elbow,, but the whole non opposable thumb thing might be a problem!!

I assess that the only other "chemically" enriched liquid I had was Drano (and I quickly flashback to the time I let people talk me into peeing on Drano at a family gathering to try and uncover the sex of my unborn child,,,FYI.... don't ask what happens, don't use a Dixie cup and this is also not proper family picnic entertainment)..

Please let this work......Please let this work......Please let this work.......

It really does not work..But I think it loosened the bond up enough for me to rip my phalanges apart..But I did still lose a few layers of skin on my elbows and I do not have finger prints on 4 of my fingers which I figure may come in handy seeing my current life of crime:

Grape Stealing
and
Money Laundering

(I forgot the damn dollar was in my pocket before laundering ...don't judge me...everyone has dirty laundry .....she says laughing hysterically at her own lame joke....you laugh too,, so she does not feel stupid...really??? Well,, in that case she will be taking you off of her cell phone 's generous calling circle!!).

Here are the pics of DramaGirl's PIMPED out cast:

Yes,,,, I am insane and YOU LIKE IT!!!!
(she says hoping for your love)

The summer is ruined!!!!

(now sing my pretties,, for maximum interactive blog enjoyment)

SUMMER TIME,, SUMMER TIME,,

SUM-SUM-SUMMER TIME!!
SUMMER TIME,,,OH-eeeOH--OOOOH!!
(take a bow)

Canopies of leaves swirl in the warm wind against the blue of a perfect sky. Children's laughter singing out with little hands covered in sidewalk chalk and sticky with bubble solution. Birds keeping post singing in the heat of the day. Hours spent on bikes with friends, mad because you know have to come home to eat dinner soon.

And then the sweet music of summer rings through the neighborhood. Getting louder and louder, closer and closer, as little faces glow with the anticipation of a chilly summer treat. The summer tradition of finding all the change you can and begging for more to buy a freezer burnt Bomb pop or a melty great Orange Push-up from the back of a truck.

Or maybe you long for the Official lipstick of summer.... a red Popsicle,,, whilst you run through the sprinkler in your yard.

No matter,,, memories are made and a special time of childhood is marked.

Unless that is...

....your mom is chillingly afraid of Ice Cream trucks and shuttles you in promptly as if she heard a tornado warning horn instead of the gentle twang of ice Cream truck music (shiver).

And then....

Your summer is ruined!!

Well,,, I oughta!!!!!

It's almost just as bad as being told:

" We will not purchase any more ice freezy Pops until ALL the Yellow ones are eaten." (no one likes the yellow ones, they fall through the freezer shelves and pile up like sea gull poop on a wooden beach hand railing)

Again,,, with the ruining of summer...

But in my defense. All of the Ice Cream trucks I have ever been a witness to have been creepy.

Run down van conversions with peeling pictures of outdated Ice Cream novelties adorning the side, being driven by: skeezy, pedophile old men ( no offense to the handsome non-skeezy, anti-pedophile, young men that drive Ice Cream trucks in YOUR ritzy neighborhoods).

I tried to warn you they were evil...
Penisburger.....indeed....hmpff
..can I even post the word Penisburger?
Perhaps Penisburger posting would be offensive?
Maybe I should contact the BLOGGER authorities and get an official
answer on this Penisburger question.
I certainly would not want to throw the word Penisburger around in error.
Penisburger posting will be from this point on,, banned from my blog.

The truck here even jacks up the CREEPY factor ten fold by having music that skips bizarrely, and an engine that sputters black smoke....... and if THAT does not get you......

He plays F'N CHRISTMAS MUSIC IN THE SUMMER!!!!!

.......And not even happy songs like "Jingle Bells" and "Good King Worcheshire Sauce"....(she says jokingly taking creative liberty)........

NO.......

Our Penisburger (oops) plays:

"What Child is This"
and
"Oh Holy Freaking Night"......

...One day I swear I heard him playing "Who Made Who" by AC/DC and I knew Steven King's "Maximum Overdrive" prophecy had come to reality and the neighborhood was doomed......

This is my official apology to my children for ruining their summer.

Please enjoy the Ice Cream and Cake Song:

Action in my Lair......WOO HOO............

When MTV came to my house to film a special episode called:

"SEDUCTRESS CRIBS"

...they wanted me to show my bedroom, pat my elaborate bed and seductively say:

"This is where ALL the "MAGIC" happens!!"

So after stocking my fridge with Crist-AL....

and the baby pool with pretty, pretty Partay people:



(actually, it was very short notice)

*sigh*

I had to explain to MTV that if by "MAGIC" they meant:

..staring at the ceiling fan blades wondering HOW THE HALIBUT I neglected to dust that ONE freaking blade last time,,, then yes......

"MAGIC"!!

No one has been in the Seductresses lair for quite some time, which means the Thermapedic Mattress Topper (NOT MATTRESS,,,, SIGH) can envelope me from the direct middle of the bed. (also, shouldn't the Thermapedic people be sending me a free mattress for all this free advertisement?)

Middle of the bed lounging....

AHHHHHHH
(jealous much?)
(didn't think so...)

No MAN FLANK has been there to reconstitute my dehydrated womanhood.

You can tell this is painfully true because I just said:

"No MAN FLANK has been there to reconstitute my dehydrated womanhood"

(And that just sounds WRONG!!!)

But this would all change...... Sunday Night!!!

.......My bed would see ACTION!!!!!!!

Because.............

Sunday night a string of thunderstorms rolled through Central Florida. We were having Tornado watches and warnings and many cows asked for my assistance in tethering them to fences and posts around the community. It was a noisy affair!

My son fell asleep with no problems as I sent the girls to bed and sat to watch Celebrity Apprentice, because Donald Trump's hairstyle ALWAYS surprises me.. (No, not really).

A few moments into my "The house is quiet, make funny faces and be happier than I really should be time" time,,,,, it abruptly ended.

Seems the thunder and lightening scared the Snickety out of my young daughters and I was the only remedy. And Snickety coming out of TWO TWEENS at 10:19PM on a Sunday night is kinda like when someone flushes the toilet whilst you are in the shower and you do that painfully awkward, back archy, arm flail and squeal thing.

So,,, it was decided that they would sleep in MY bed.

Not by me,,, but by the evil mini-me's that apparently own the now obsolete "make your own decisions" neurological connection center in my brain.

No,,,,,, SORRY,,,,,, I wasn't excited about this sleep over because the last time ONE of my daughters slept in my room she was wearing a tank top and I ended up with a pre-teen armpit face mask,,,,,, and before I knew it,,,,, in an attempt to scream for the removal of said pre-teen armpit face mask,,,,,,,, the action of speaking caused an armpit farty, zerbert thing to happen,,,,,, which was funny only AFTER the fact,,,,,, but added to the emergent removal of said pre-teen child from my bed.

But,, the little one decided to sleep horizontally at the foot of the bed (which wouldn't work in a household where the mom is of normal height,, but worked perfectly in mine). And the eldest promised she would stay on her side as she put my "man" pillow between us as a barrier,, only after making jokes at my expense because "Mom has a pillow she hugs and calls... MAN"... And apparently that is funny.....Is it????? IS IT REALLY?????

But something happened as we all lay there in the now dark room being punctuated with lightening and periodic girl screams at the thunder..(mine included).....

...The girly giggles welled up inside us all and we laughed.

I laughed like I hadn't laughed in a long, long while.

And those little giggles coming out of my daughters were worthy of being bottled and

sold like:

BOTTLES OF THE FINEST CRISTAL

.....To be uncorked each time you forget what it feels like to have no cares.

I even cocked the fart leg gun (because farts are ALWAYS funny people) and tried for a rapid fire attack (but alas,, me being an extremely demure and feminine specimen of supreme woman creation,, I had no ammo,, so I had to fake it with elaborate sheet maneuvering and mouth noises,, just sayn').

I didn't sleep the whole night.

But it was OK.

BECAUSE..........

My oldest started rubbing my back.....FOR FREE.......

AND.......

.......before she fell off into slumber,, my youngest rubbed my foot,,, (which was hanging out a few inches from her head) and said the sweetest thing:

"I don't know why Mom, but having your foot here makes me feel secure, That's weird I know, but,,,,, I love you, Mom..."

And what happened then?

Well, in Seductressville they say,,

Mommy Grinch's too small
(bed hogging)

HEART...

.....grew THREE sizes that day!

bleeeeep.....dammit....bleeeeepin....bleeeeeep...

I was watching the show "CHEATERS" late one night because I heart redneck drama...

.....and at the moment of a bleep-happy revealed love betrayal ,,, I thought about a question my child asked me while watching Animal Planet a day or so before.

She asked JUST like this:

"Oh most intelligent, beautiful and luminous light of my world, Mom"

(bowing)

"What is "Symbiosis"?"

And I explained in the words of supreme intellect what "Symbiosis" means...

And my mind,,, being as flamboyant and wonderfully wrong as it is...

offered up this thought, on that long dark night:

What would happen if "Cheaters" was in the Symbiotic animal world...

And some poor, poor animal caught his "animal helper" cheating on him...

This my friends,, is my interpretation of the tragedy...

Please enjoy:

It is indeed a cruel, cruel world!!!!!

Please enjoy a quick snippet of the people version of "CHEATERS",,,,, you know,,,,, just to authenticate my animal version:

.......This violence seems to happen in every show,,, only,,,, usually someone is dressed up as a huge hamster and they have a whip or two,,,, and the she's are sometimes he's and the he's are sometimes she's,,,,, and sometimes they disrespect Americans with disabilities and sometimes those Americans with disabilities have freakishly large anomaly-ish body parts,,, and all this happened in the ONE episode I was so ridiculous to have let myself watch on that long and dark night... bleeeeeeep it!

Sharing a memory.....

The waves were crashing on white clouds of sand. Crystal blue water tickling my feet in a choreographed dance of waves.

Sanibel Island, Florida on a hot summer day.

The sky was the same sky we would see everyday from our home, but this was a different piece of it and the blue was a shade I had never beheld in a crayon box.

A trip that was planned for months was finally in our grasp.

My parents were shell collectors, this was the mecca location for treasures from the sea. We hiked down the coastline, eyes peeled for gems, screaming at each new prize. I sat to dig, finding the tiniest sand embellishments, God's sculpting skills marveled. Thinking in amazement of creatures so tiny that they started out as specs and chamber after chamber, grew into a shell that was dwarfed in comparison to even my tiny hands.

My dad's face shone with a smile of contentment and pride of his family. The glow of happiness coupled with the sun rays made him an angelic figure to behold. Mom and he were childlike on this day. That is the best way to see your parents. A direct contrast to the hectic nature of struggling to survive real life.

We sat down on a blanket to take a quick cheese sandwich break together and share what we had found in our journeys.

We had quite a haul of shells that we had only seen in books, rare watercolored jewels, spiky daggers, cat eyes. I placed chunks of sea glass in with the shells I had found, enchanted by the color and shape of each one that punctuated the shore.

We knew we were there at the right time of the year. My dad explained that there was very bad weather a few days before we arrived and that may have pushed some of these rarer shells inland.

After taking a few bites on my sandwich, I wondered why cheese sandwiches taste so much better at the beach, and thought: they should market that.

Mom popped out a bottle of Tahitian Treat Soda, the bright red candy of a drink we only got on special occasions. But brothers being brothers and having to share a bottle with one, I would miss out on the full satisfaction when he greedily licked the bottle top, littering it with brother germs and causing it to lose its appeal.

I would make sure I got the first sip next time and return the favor.

When we were done, the hunting and lounging would continue. I saw my dad bolt out into the waves with a gusto that caught me off guard, he was screaming that he spotted a rare shell and dived headfirst into a wave to retrieve it.

A few moments later he was laying in the water with his hand held up triumphantly as if he had just caught the last ball in the World Series. We ran over to find him caressing a beauty of a shell, indeed rare and magical.

I still have it

My dad once again garnered the title of "HERO"

It was only when I had grown into adulthood, I found out my dad had "rigged" the beach.

He had went into a shell shop and purchased bags of intricate rare shells and planted them in the areas he directed us to. He had also purchased the show stopping piece-de-la-resistance shell that he had retrieved in such a Super-hero-esque way.

He had spent a lot of money on that shell and worried, as he slyly threw it into the waves, he may not find it again. The dive was an Oscar Award winning performance.

I still replay the scene of him jumping into the waves
so clearly
I can taste the salt air

He wanted us to experience a magical journey......

.......It was much more than magical to me

*********************


Today I will perform something magical in the eyes of my children

Even if it is something as simple as an impromptu street dance performance or having cotton candy ice cream sprinkled with Pop Rocks for dinner, we will all be kids for a moment.

Pour some cherry Pop Rocks on your tongue

open your mouth

let them dance and sing there

TRY NOT TO LAUGH

discover

YOU CAN'T DO IT!!!!!
and

LAUGH OUT LOUD

...... and if you don't laugh.... come see me.... you need an intervention to bring back the childlike spirit that we all have hidden deep inside.

...... It's time you let it out........

%$#%@#$%$%^ FLAN!!!!!!!

Do you know what the best time to tell your mom that you have to make an AUTHENTIC Dominican Republic recipe for a project that is due the next day that will have a huge impact on your final grade is?

Do ya?

Well,,,,, I'll tell ya!

It is exactly AFTER everyone is bathed and in jammies!

Do you know that we were supposed to make *&^%$%^#%^ FLAN and I had NO ingredients and no idea how to make %$#!@$@%^ FLAN? Do you know that if you buy *&%%$%#%^ FLAN at the store for that many kids you need to put it on a monthly payment plan?

Do you know who did not get any (*^&%&%$#$ FLAN ????

I bet you do!!

Instead, I bought Rice Pudding and large cinnamon sticks.

I put the:

AUTHENTIC DOMINICAN REPUBLIC

... Recipe... Kozy Shack Rice Pudding

... in a fancy:

AUTHENTIC DOMINICAN REPUBLIC

... palmetto leaf bowl.....

... sprinkled cinnamon on it

... and adorned it with masterfully placed large:

AUTHENTIC DOMINICAN REPUBLIC

... cinnamon sticks.

In the words of my daughter after grumbling apologies:

I ROCK!

BUT......Do you know who forgot to get light bulbs.........again..........

You know,,,,, there really should be a responsible adult in this household...

And now let me tell you a little story I like to call:

"Try not to poke your eyes out in frustration"

By: The Invisible Seductress

Starring:

DramaGirl
(she's the whiny one)


Only my daughter would model a broken foot

and

The Invisible Seductress
(she's the one who is hotter Megan Fox)
(picture currently unavailable)
..just believe it's true,,, what???
IT IS TRUE..
...well that's a bit harsh don't ya think?
...Yes,, but reality is no fun!!
(I don't think I like you very much anymore)

We begin our story here:

(cue the sound of birds singing and a happy tune of your choice)

(wait,,,, let me choose the music,,,, it's my dang story)

Cue the sound of birds chirping and THIS song:

(Please play for the maximum interactive blog experience)

Enter DramaGirl with a broke foot.....

................. Winning the Academy Award for:

"Most consecutive whines...

... in an oral sentence or paragraph"

...and this is what I have been hearing all day and night...

The End

You can pre-order an autographed hardback edition of :

"Try not to poke your eyes out in frustration"
By: The Invisible Seductress

By sending $19.95
plus shipping and handling of $39.95

To:
The Invisible Seductress
1 Hot Lady Drive
Nowhere Fun, Florida
ou812

Order NOW.....

and I'll even throw in a PREMIUM Bikini Line Stencil!!
(as seen in COSMO MAGAZINE)



a $159.95 value!!
YOURS FREE!!!!!
just add $159.95 for Shipping and Handling

OPERATORS ARE..
FIGMENTS OF THE SEDUCTRESSES IMAGINATION
STANDING BY!!!