Weighing in

I have Portuguese blood in me. "What does this mean Seductress??" you ask, softly holding my entrancing gaze.

In my family it means:

***Big dark eyes and an ass that don't wanna stop***

(uh, growing that is,, clarification seemed just, seeing that Traxx has overactive ass issues -- and -- I am not suggesting Portuguese people crap a lot,, but wait,,, alas a change of subject,,,, my ass likes dancing too,, sighing,, but I'm talking 'bout size today..ass size specifically..Yes,, you are right,,, I'll get on with it.....wink)!!

Love the eyes--watch the ass size!!
Ancient Portuguese Family Credo

What a cute scale huh?? I want one!!

My surgeon has a HUGE walk on scale. I take my shoes off each time I step onto it. One day I was wearing a nice high heel and was having trouble slipping the right one on before I followed the nurse into the room (my precious hands were full). As I dug the ball of my foot into the shoe and lunged my leg up a bit to put it on, I lost balance. My heel boomeranged off into the hallway and slammed into the wall, narrowly missing a geriatric patient and her overprotective son. They quickly shot me the evil eye as I did the "Urkel".

Did I do THAT?????

As I retrieved my shoe I thought it was a shame my heel did not penetrate the drywall like a ninja star, allowing me to pull it out as if it were a weapon and say something incredibly witty. Comically speaking that would have been much better than the actual outcome of grabbing the shoe off the floor and doing an awkward "Merry- go-Round" run around the corner. Just so you know,, the "Merry-go-Round" gait is the only one you CAN use while trying to catch an impatient nurse while wearing ONE high heel (It helps compensate for the leg height differential a missing heel afflicts a gal with and is uber-sexy,,, just trust me!!!).

This story brings me to this morning and the heaping plateful of insanity that goes along with my daily weigh in. I am hoping that some followers will understand the "strange" that is me and not look at me as if I have antennae and a lispy spitting condition. If not-- then I will trudge on my weird journey by myself and try to avoid the word "mississippi".

People say not to weigh everyday--but I do--if I lose weight then I let that boulder roll! If I gain weight then I can nip it in the bud (yes,, I know boulders don't have buds,, well,, aren't we literal today??? hmmpf).

I do not have a digital scale (sigh). This is what happens every morning without the luxury of digital technology.

Wanna hear about it? Of course you do!! here I go:

I pee-- extracting every bit of unofficial weight out of my body

I strip-- pajamas are evil to a morning weigh in

I calibrate the scale-- with the big toe on my right foot- thus ensuring the needle is perfectly set on "o"

I grab the wall-- and the door jamb ensuring that I do not step on the scale to quickly jarring it to add pounds to the final outcome

I step on the scale-- sloooowly----methodically

I look-- WTH!!! I gained 3 lbs!!!

I step off the scale-- *&%$@!!!M(**@&&F***%&*??!!

I look-- if the needle is NOT PERFECTLY SET on "0" and is actually PAST the "o" then this is an OBVIOUS calibration problem -- OR-- I jarred the scale getting on too quickly

I re-calibrate-- with the same big toe used previously (you're welcome for my thoroughness- I knew you were wondering same toe or not)

I hold the towel bar-- and the door jamb because OBVIOUSLY the wall can't be trusted for support

I step on scale-- even slooooower making sure to position my feet "just so" as to not rock the scale

I realize-- I MUST have ROCKED the scale before causing the extra poundage and I sigh a sigh of relief because if I gained eating nothing but cardboard ALL week I'm gonna be pissed

I look-- I lost 2 lbs!!

I step off scale-- victoriously celebrating my loss

I look-- the needle is now 4 lbs to the LEFT of the "0"--if this is true and my theory of bad calibration exists, then I must have gai--.....Nooooo!! I must have read the first reading incorrectly, STUPID ME

Re-calibrate scale-- $%@*&^%$ SCALE!!!!!

I hold on to the door jamb-- and the wall - graciously giving the wall a second chance at support because I feel inanimate objects can see the error of their ways too

I ask in my whiny voice-- Traxx!!!! PLEASE stop opening this door!! Geeeze LOUISE!!!

I step on scale-- soooooo slow it's like claymation up in here

I look-- I LOST 5 LBS!!

I lean forward-- and gain 1 lb!!

But,, I lean back-- AND I LOSE ANOTHER 2!!

I step off scale-- at a snail's pace as not to once again jar the readings

I give myself-- a wink and a double gunshot pose in the mirror to celebrate my hotty-hot-ta-de-hotness

I look-- WHAT THE HALIBUT???!!!

*******CALIBRATION FAIL!!!!!*******

I realize-- I could be here all damn day!!

I'm not Fat,,,I'm Floofy!!!

Really,, my name IS Floofy!!