Friday, January 15, 2010

Story of Green Olive Abuse

This is a sad story. I only hope you can brush back your tears and continue on with your day after reading it.

Wanna hear about it? Of course you do!! Here I go:

http://www.clker.com/cliparts/7/0/9/8/1195437050735284924johnny_automatic_green_olive_on_a_toothpick.svg.hi.png I have been out of green olives for a few days now. For a normal person this would be no problem and no tears would be shed. But if you have been reading my blog you know that I kinda have a fetish for green olives and I live a very simple existence that needs the comfort of a pimento stuffed buddy from time to time.

They have become my new "Circus Peanut".. I know, I know,,, you are gasping and saying out loud: "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO SEDUCTRESS!!!!! Never let go of the Circus Peanut!!!!" (well at least in MY mind you care that much about me and my weird fetishes to scream such an awkward statement,, and I thank you!!).

So a trip to the big W mart was inevitable.

------beeeeep----beeeeep----beeeep----beeeeep-----beeeeeep----------------

***The following is a consumer alert: I have found that the Dixie's olives are sub par and should be avoided at all costs**********************************

...now back to your regularly scheduled blog, already in progress...

So,,,, because it IS Walmart and I heart buying in bulk AND 5 olives will inevitably be dinner on many a long lonely night,, I got a big jar. Nooooooooo,,,, scratch that--I got a HA-UGE ass jar and fondled it lovingly in the aisle while singing "Wind beneath my wings" in the styling of the fantabulously talented Bette Midler (insert your visual here).

I quickly made my trip to the register (without buying mascara I say proudly displaying my thriftinessishly behavior). I then proceeded to gracefully yet VERY accidentally throw this Yaris sized jar into the Walmart sky. It landed with a slow motion "CRASH" that left olive carnage shooting out in every direction.

Pimentos were screaming in pain from the glass shard projectiles.

The sweet green olive "nectar of the God's" juice was traveling in tidal wave form heading straight towards the feet of unsuspecting snowbirds.

And I said the only thing that came to my head:

"Man, I guess I shouldn't hit the Vodka BEFORE buying the olives next time!!"

Which elicited NO laughter but did beat an all too commonly used "DAMN IT"!!!

The man behind me then went on to give me cocktail recipes in broken English and patiently said he would wait if I retrieved another jar of green olivey goodness (the cashier suggested a smaller jar would possibly be in order and smiled half-assedly at her own humor attempt). I did decline however because the glares of the clean up crew and laughter of my children was overwhelming to me at the time and an "exit stage left" was in order.

I did not stop by the Dixie to buy a jar. The green olive drought continues.

***Note: A lot of olives WERE hurt in the making of this blog. I will be having a moment of silence for them at 12:30PM today if you would like to join me. Formal dress attire is suggested but not mandatory. In lieu of flowers, please send the Seductress Circus Peanuts as maybe she needs to get back to her roots--AND-- no matter how far you throw Circus Peanuts---they will not shatter--unless they are dipped in liquid nitrogen--but that's really scientificy and probably wouldn't happen.***



10 Seducing Deductions:

f1trey said...

sitting in dejection.....in the the dark....with a .....bag of circus peanuts ........theyre lonely and crying and dammit im doing my best to console them...sniff.....

The Invisible Seductress said...

laughing---coke zero coming out of nose....hold post!! I'll be right there!!!!!

f1trey said...

hehehehe oh the humanity!!! innocent circus peanuts cast unto the wind.......what next? reality tv?.....oh lord.....

The Invisible Seductress said...

giggle---I'm a heathen!!!!

Mr. Condescending said...

you son of a bitch I love olives, I would NEVER run out

Dutch donut girl said...

Haha! You are too funny. Maybe it's too late, but I will pray for their lost souls.
Please please please stay away from the booze next time.

:) :) :)

Ca88andra said...

Too funny!

The Invisible Seductress said...

thanks for the,,,,,sniffle,,,,,olive love!!!!! It has touched my pimento lacking heart!!!

Kate said...

Ha really funny post. I didn't know it was possible for someone to love olives so much before reading this!

Kate x
http://search-for-the-perfect10.blogspot.com

The Invisible Seductress said...

my life is sad Kate---simple things thrill me!! wink

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