Advertising for dummies

Attention Advertisers:

Fixodent: I really don't want to watch two older people, a man and a woman, eating ribs and talking with their mouths full long enough to figure out which one of them is wearing dentures. I really don't. I get what you are trying to do here though. And because you challenged me and I can not turn away from a direct challenge, I submit the following statement:

After further inspection and tooth analysis on the elderly rib eaters in question, (and after one time of running up to the TV for a closer look) I deduce it is the MAN rib eater who is wearing dentures and benefiting from your denture adhesive product line...Booyow...Can't fool me!

Charmin: Although I do get the whole: "Does a bear shit in the woods" joke parody in this advertising string, I can't help but feel that perhaps your primary colored bear lad could benefit with some basic ass wiping training sessions. It seems as if he is totally missing the optimum wiping experience by not executing a strike on the proper **assall target area.

** "Assall" is not a real word but you may use it as you see fit as I submit that it is a fantastic addition to our modern day language arsenal.

Cinnamon Toast Crunch Cereal: Mmmmmm, Cinnamon Toast Crunch Cereal!! It is delicious!! It is Sooooo delicious that even the Cinnamon Toast Crunch cereal pieces can't control their own Cannibalistic demons from springing forth.

The good shit!

Other cereal companies have tried the routine of making their cereal pieces cute and chatty and it has worked, I love the shredded wheat guys with their intelligence and their "Uh-oh my 7 layers are showing". But in the CTCC shotty recreation, the cereal pieces don't communicate, they just laugh insanely and make funny faces whilst licking themselves and others. And even if I could put the whole cannibalistic routine or the overtly sexual tongue thing behind me, I would still have a problem. Economically speaking if these guys just keep licking and eating each other, my purchase of a full box, even after the contents settle during shipping, is compromised.

At ease Orkin man, at ease..

Orkin: It would be just wrong of me to post an actual picture of the commercial in question here, but when you taped a commercial with a huge ass roach asking a young couple if they were "dipping skinny" in a hot tub and disrobing in front of them, I am pretty sure you crossed a line or two. I can't even say anything else about this commercial without getting jittery. Not only did you provide us with insect pornography but you ruined a perfectly good romantic hi-jink..... I am done with you.

Dr. Scholls: Be who you are Dr. Scholls!!! Be true to YOU!! Seriously,, your products are good and I confess I have been known to be "gellin",, but,, not like a felon and not like Magellan and not with a melon and my name is not Helen. You sir are no Dr. Seuss. But,, I would "gel" in a box while eating rancid lox's if you promise Matthew Fox........

........Wearing nothing but striped toe socks!!

Multi Vites: Are we as adults really not capable of swallowing an oral vitamin with a glass of water to wash it down? Do we really need it to be in candy form so that we will be all psyched to take it every morning? I must admit one thing that sucks about being an adult is we miss out on Flintstones vitamin consumption. Well, maybe YOU do,, I still buy them and smuggle a few here and there from cute chubby toddler paw. OK ,, I just lost my whole point on this one didn't I? Rock on Multi Vite... Rock on!!