!!WARNING!!

I wrote a few blog posts in the past about "WARNING TAGS". I thought it might be nice to see some kind of warning “before” the fact,, to help you decide your actions. Maybe they would help stop some of the negative things that happen in our lives.

These tags could hang on people you are thinking about dating,, food you are thinking about buying,, big price items you are thinking about purchasing,, and so forth.

Just imagine these HUGE warning tags hanging off of these individuals or objects to help steer you in the right direction...

Welcome to:
The Invisible Seductresses

WARNING TAGS:

**On the sales lady at Victoria’s Secret**

Warning tag reads:

Oh my word, you are not smaller than an “A” cup like me. You actually have woman breasts I would pay large amounts of money for,, ahem... I am sorry that none of the flimsy lingerie in this store would even come close to supporting those. You are obviously a department store tit kind of person. Please move along and let me help the 15 year old behind you. We have 12,052 beautiful bras that will fit her pre-pubescent body.

**On the glass of Vodka in your hand at the dive bar**

Warning tag reads:

Excuse me,, HELLO??? Um, 2 more of these and the caveman across the bar will look REALLY attractive to you. His hairy knuckles and lisp will do amazing things to your libido. This will lead to a sore scalp and road rash as he drags you into his man cave. This might also trigger the desire to wear head to toe animal print. This is a look that only works on Fred Flintstone. Wait, did he just BUY you ANOTHER VODKA?????? HEY!!!! You are slurping me down too qui………..

**On the EX from years and years ago that texts you every 6 months
to tell you he is “sorry” and he misses you**

Warning tag reads:

I am not sorry. The revolving door of bimbo’s and ho’s are leaving me nostalgic about having a REAL woman and a REAL relationship. If you take me back this would last approximately 2 ½ months and then another bimbo will beckon me to the abyss. You can NEVER change me.

**Hanging from the entire cereal aisle**

Warning tag reads:

You are ADDICTED to cereal. What’s your flippin’ deal with it? It's sweet flavor and milky goodness are very bad for you. Even if you get the healthiest kind you will try to choke it down by adding 3 cups of sugar. You have a problem and need help. Leave this aisle immediately!!!! No!!!! Put it down, it’s not REALLY for your kids!!!! The cute cartoon character on the front will not suffer if you reject him. Go get fruit it's GRRRRRRReat (er)!!!!!

**On the Oreo package**

Warning tag reads:

I realize that you are considering this purchase as a “weekend treat” for the kids. But we BOTH know what will REALLY happen. Here is your future: After midnight the crisp milk in the fridge will beckon you. You will consume 86% of this package. This will spontaneously cause cellulite to emerge on your thighs and rear. The individual divots will be embedded with the word “Oreo”. This means no man will EVER be attracted to you unless you are entirely submerged in milk.

**On the handsome man in front of you in the store line**
(The one who is wearing a wedding ring and still flirting with you openly)

Warning tag reads:

I am an ASS. I am not separated OR getting divorced. I find you attractive and have no morals. I want in your skirt (sorry for the interruption,, but it WAS a very cute skirt). If you have a shred of dignity and an ounce of intelligence left in your little sex depraved body,, you will follow these instructions: Back your cart up whistling... Go stand in the aisle where the hairy, big chested, no bra wearing woman with 15 kids and lost hope is.. Just say’n.

**On your daughters teacher, at the conference,
because your daughter talks too much in class**
(wonder where she gets that from? Hmmmmm, slinking out of parenthesis)

Warning tag reads:

Uh,, I am like 24 and I have no children. I wonder how you could be such a HORRIBLE parent that your child talks in MY class. Please just nod in agreement and reprimand her strongly. Also take a parenting class. Could we hurry this up as well? I’m only wearing this sweet flowery dress until you leave. Then I’ll “skank” it up because I’m gonna go drankin’ with my whole posse’ of non-parenting friends. I will talk about how horrendous a parent you are! I will also and laugh and snort at the way you looked sitting in that miniature desk. OMG!!!! IT WAS SOOOOOOO FUN-NAAAAY!!!!!

**On the pink jogging pants with “sexy” or “baby girl” or "Phat"
written across the rear**

Warning tag reads:

You are 40-something for goodness sakes!! Do you really want to advertise your caboose in this manner? I know you THINK you’ll never go out in them (at least I hope you thought that!), but the day will come and you will,,,oh YOU WILL!! Also ma’am,, just as a side note; the slight roll to the juvenile words on display is VERY unflattering to the size appearance of your assets.

**On the girl at the DMV**

Warning tag reads:

I am not on a business call. I will flip this piece of paper and scribble something on it just to look convincing to all around. I will also say loudly the following words: Automobile, Insurance and Drivers License. This will make my boyfriend (to whom I am REALLY talking to) call me a “bad girl” and I will smile briefly. I could care less that you and 50 others with long “to do” lists have been standing there in a motionless line for 30 minutes.

**On the car sales guy with the gold chains and cologne issue**

Warning tag reads:

You are not my “friend”. I don’t even consider you human. I want you to pay $5,000.00 extra and 3% higher than you should for this P.O.S. vehicle that I DID NOT personally look over and drive. It also DID NOT just come in today from an elderly couple with ALL highway miles. You should also purchase my insurance and warranties at over double the cost of a real bank's product, simply because I smiled at you. Now,,, act like the unprepared buyer that I know you are and sign my deal so my idiot boss can call my name and ring his cowbell in the morning.

DAMMIT!!!