Wednesday, June 16, 2010

La, La, La and such. A tale of deception.

This here is my innocent look:

La,La,La,La and such

I was here sitting at my computer. Reading some wonderful posts from some of you wonderful bloggers. Some posts were about sex and reminded me of how I used to like that sort of stuff (sigh). Some were about fine dining and wine and reminded me I probably would like that sort of stuff too (grumble). Some were about children and attitudes and their whining and fits and reminded me of how I lived without that stuff 12 years ago when I was praying to have that IN the house and now it's here and I am blessed, but it's still frustrating (shhhhh). Some were inspirational and reminded me to look in the mirror and scream "Suck it up Nancy!" (grrrowl). Some were random and reminded me of how awesome just the little stuff can be (Giggle). Some were beautifully photographic, some more artistic, some are downright strange and I am reminded of the diversity of people, how beautiful we all are in our own ways and yet we really are a lot alike at the core (Awwww).

But that's not why I am here writing this post..

It's because of what my son did..

Or rather what I did that was cruel to my son..

.. and then was busted on.

(dramatic pause allowing you to center your thoughts
to be able to fully take the rest of this post in....)

(Ohm..Ohhhhm.. Ohmmm.... and such)

I went to the store today. I know that sounds exciting. Since the kids have been home for the summer, food has not had a snowballs chance in hell of surviving more than a day here. I always try to buy somewhat healthy food. If it's not IN my house, I won't eat it at 12Am when the house is quiet and my hands are idle and my mouth is fixated on chewing something, anything, but the empty cardboard cereal box is not working and the rice cakes are even worse than the empty cardboard cereal box and licking sugar packets leads to the visual of a spryly bag of brown sugar tempting me with it's "brown sugary goodness dance" in my cabinet where it is now swinging the Jif peanut butter around like Fred Astaire and jumping off the cans of Veg-all that have been there since 1902, but I won't throw away because: A. They make a damn fine hammer and B. Because if Jillian Michael's ever brings her skinny little toned ass to my house I can point at the can of Veg-all and go ..Eh... Eh,,, whilst nodding my head "yes" to acknowledge that there is indeed nutritional hope for my household after all. And also show her the bag of peas in the freezer (she does not need to know they are strictly "boo-boo" peas right??)
Why hate one veggie when you can hate veg-all!!

By 12:45, my food channel brain always kicks in and I start to think that I can make something fabulous out of one pack of Splenda, a hot dog, Green Olives and a 10 calorie sugar-free Orange Jello cup. I then begin to visualize setting a plate in front of the esteemed Bobby Flay and proclaiming:

What we have here, Chef Flay, is a Caramelized cylindrical meat product that has been sweetly seasoned and pan seared to perfection, I have covered it with a light orange gelatin reduction and it is accompanied by a gently steamed green olive salad with pimento accents for color and texture.......ENJOY.............

I then put my hands behind my white chef coated back and step to the side two paces for the critique of my dish.

I am now ready to receive exceptional praise from Bobby Flay and the other panel of experts for technique, taste and plating. (I plated it on the finest of the Dixie "Summer Fun" paper plate series).

Bobby Flay Pictures, Images and Photos
Well Seductress,, I certainly must commend you on this unique flavor profile!!
Now,, take me to your lair and swat my buttocks with this large grilling spatula!

"Oh Bobby!!! I declare!!"

This sparkling review shatters the competition!! (Because I can write anything I would like here as this is my post and my imaginary scenario, but even if it wasn't, surely you wouldn't go tracking down Bobby Flay to confirm or deny the findings,, would you??)

Let us now work on putting all of that fanfare behind us,, to get to this..... I bought a bag of those little powdered donut things that rock the Kasbah. My girls were otherwise engaged when my son brought them to my computer desk and asked with big eyes while using the sign language sign for "please",, if he could have one (I am a sucker for the sign language "please").

"Just one donut and that's it,,, Mommma,,, pleeeease!!!!"

As he stroked my arm, I denied his request due to the fact dinner would soon be served and I am cruel like that. BUT,, he left the donuts there by my side taunting me with their sugary cocaine coating and cute miniature sizing. I looked around, opened the bag, and had just gotten one out and on the path to nom, nom town, when I heard the poundings of little feet. In a flash, he materialized and I had no other recourse but to shove the whole thing in my sweet lady like mouth and hope he didn't want to communicate with me. My mouth is cemented in dough as he comes up and says:


I try to look innocent and smile as powdered sugar flies from my mouth alerting the enemy of my rouse. I chew quickly, choking on my guilt in the form of pastry goodness and follow with a verbal explanation that sounded like this:

"Well Son,, that was the TEST donut, it HAS to be eaten by a professional at least an hour before the others are eaten to assure the quality and safety of the rest of the bag,, I will let you eat the test donut next time, OK?".

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He concedes that this is factual.

"Oh, OK Mom!!!" He says sweetly and there is a skipping off into the sunset as I settle into my life of successful mini-powdered donut deceivery.

I think I am cleared. Exonerated. Acquitted. Free.

Until I hear:

"SISTORS,, SISTORS!!!!! I get to eat the TEST donut next time 'acause I'm a 'fessional now, so I get to eat THAT TEST donut!!" followed by happy toddler laughter and I can only assume that a happy little toddler jig also accompanies the happy toddler laughter.

The girls were now on to me. Suspicious. Wary. Skeptical of my character.

The gig was up. Concluded. Over. Exposed.


**Donuts WERE indeed harmed in the writing of this post.

**Names have been changed to protect the innocent.

15 Seducing Deductions:

Anonymous said...


I would love to point out a few things in this post.... one about the mouth thing and chewing and the other about all the white stuff around your mouth when you got caught... but I degress here and will just say..

would you like another donut?

*you are so bad at this*

your need for the donut over comed you and you forgot the number one rule in donut sneaking....


Clyde said...

I'm lucky that I don't have kids in the house---no, sorry, I would love to have kids in my house---but I digress.
But I have a Labrador dog---she can hear the opening of any packet or container from the bottom of the backyard and will be sitting at my feet begging before I can think of getting anything in my mouth.
She may not be human but can guilt me out of anything-----but I've learnt--
Wait for them to go to bed

Anonymous said...

Oh those mini donuts. I can't blame you - those rows and rows of tightly packaged sugary goodness. Hmmm, if I leave early enough this morning maybe I can get a package before work...Four for me, one for you co-worker, two for me, one for you boss, three for me, one for you client. That's fair, right? - G
My word-veri today is TRASH.

Gucci Mama said...

I soaked up every word of this until I got to the picture of Bobby Flay. I've just been staring at that now for the last hour and a half and sighing a little. Mm. Bobby Flay. Spatula. Um, what I was I saying?

IT said...

Bobby Flay doesn't do a thing for me.

Cal's Canadian Cave of Coolness said...

You can't imagine how cool it is to read these posts while imagining how you would sound reading them. You are just like me in terms of the sheer awesomeness of your imagination.

And that picture should be on all our screens. Not Big Brother but cute little sister. With eyes like that you are not innocent at all.

I too have 'boo boo' peas. I wonder how many people buy the peas but never actually eat them?

I gotta say that 'test donut' idea was slicker than the lies the Grinch told to Cindy Lou Who (who was no more than two). You thought up a lie and you thought it up quick.

Who knew he would bust you. Classic.

The Invisible Seductress said...

Sir-Guilty as charged...It made the older kids laugh though. Mom getting caught.

Clyde- Yes those sweet pup faces are hard to resist..Bet you can put on a sweet face too..wink

Georgina- Hope you were able to get some!! Nom Nom...hugs

Gucci- Can't blame ya..he's charming....and yummy!!

It- Really?? Awww...I watch him all the time, he seems like a sweet man. smiling...who does it for you?

Cal- It almost worked until those meddling kids
came around.....winks. Boo Boo peas rock!!!!

IT said...

My wife does a mean pork chop and her lasagna's over the top.

The Invisible Seductress said...

It- Good answer!!!!!! She'd probably do it for me cooking like that....wink wink

RawknRobynsGoneBlogWild said...

This is so cute and funny. Of course you ated one, Seductress. He seduced you, a fressional, by leaving them right under your nose. I love you and your kidzers!

Ken said...

I want some powdered donuts now. Like right now.

Marnie said...

I always get I just wish I had thought of the "test" treat. You're good...vedy vedy good ;0)

Anonymous said...

innocent look huh?
and the guilty look would be.......?

Dutch donut girl said...

Your son sounds adorable.

Sigh, donuts... yum, yum, yum!

Rice cakes? Yuck yuck yuck.

The Invisible Seductress said...

RRG- You picking up what I am layn' down sis!! I had to eat one who wouldn't?? :}

Ken- I have none left,, I bet I am being blamed for that,,, sigh :)

Marnie- Aw thanks,,,,on the fly explanations rule!!

Sage- Probably the same one...eeep

DDG- Thanks!! Next time I get donuts you should came over,,, cause you ARE a donut fessional!!!!!!

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