Thursday, June 24, 2010

You Sexy Seductress you!!!!!! Adults only!!

The director of the film is doubting his choice in actresses.

Cinderella Pictures, Images and Photos
"Dammit Rapunzel, how many times do we have to do this scene?"
"It is YOUR freaking Fairytale for cripes sakes!!"
"Pull your dress up and TRY AGAIN!!"

Poor Rapunzel, not wanting to get her hair all in a twist. Listen, I understand!!! My life is no freaking fairy tale. But I,,, more like Cinderella,,, am on my hands and knees cleaning and trying to get by. My house needs a lot of repairs. This is possibly why Prince Charming would never want to date me. He would saunter in the door, look around, say some expletive words like SHIT REALLY????!!! And unless he liked camping indoors with few working creature comforts,,,, leave to go Manscape himself.

prince charming Pictures, Images and Photos

I am not the best at fixing things, nor am I the best at having the money to fix things or even asking for help fixing things for that matter. I tend to rough it. I am good at using a canned goods as a hammer,,,, and painting a patio with a broom,,,, can you do that?

I have told you about my "light" problem before. Once a month nearly ALL the lights in my house blow out at the same freaking time,, it's bizarro!!! I always forget to buy light bulbs or forget where I put the last batch (and can't find them in the dark) and settle into the darkness nicely until the batteries die out in the flashlights or until I stub my toe more than a dozen times in an hour. Actually I am exaggerating here, I usually fix the light problem after I stub my toe 8 times in an hour,,, that's my cap,,, "8". I am not good on a ladder. Or with balance. Or with balance on a ladder. And I am stupid enough to use the "this is not a rung" rung,, and fall to my death, or at least to my %$#@$^!*@&^& stupid freaking !&%%$#%%@$!%^!!!

My kids are used to things not working over here. I guess sadly now,,, I am too... This is prepping me for when I live in the jungle, because since Prince Charming will have nothing to do with me I have been exploring romancing Tarzan.

Ooooooooooh,,, Or Maybe

George of the Jungle!!!

<span class=
Yes please!!

Less Manscaping and more grunting...

But here it is,,,, below,,,,, the bane of my meager existence..... The thorn in my rose of life.....

Kitty Flush Pictures, Images and Photos
Not the cats,,,,,, the toilet!!!

I have to put my hand in the dang tank of my toilet at least 15 times a day. I have to plunge that toilet at least 3 times a day. I have "fixed" that toilet (the Home Depot way) at least 5 times already.

I don't like putting my hand in the tank of my toilet. I don't like plunging my toilet. I don't like trying to "fix" my toilet or praying the kids wait to flush until I can observe the toilets behavior to assess whether or not I need to do a toilet "Intervention" and dive below to manically turn the water off.

None of these things make me feel pretty.

I have tried talking sweet to it and not calling it @#!%$%@%%#$% POT.

That conversation goes a bit like this:

My dearest toilet:

I love the way you take one for the home team,,,, I really do,,, it's a crappy job,,,, but lately I have been thinking about our relationship. No,,, really it's NOT me,,,, it's YOU! I clean you every other day, I even scrub you with the brush "just so" and you flap your little handle in bliss. We certainly FEED you enough in this house, heck my kids Herculean droppings in ONE day should satiate you for a week!!! I even stopped buying those "scrubbing bubbles" because they tickle you and don't really clean as well. Point is,,,, I care about you!! I refurbished your innards even,, gave you a face lift,,, remember that new shiny fake metal handle?? It's all the rage according to "Modern Toilets and Bath" magazine!!

Look,,, I need a favor. Stop letting your bowl runneth over!! Please allow me to flush you more than once without dipping my hands into your innards,, and really,, no one likes it when you run your mouth ALL night,, swirling and circling,, nag, nag, nag!!!

What's it gonna take here?? A seat cover,,, I can do that,,, hell I'll even knit you one myself,,, Martha Stewart,,, now she makes a fine toilet cover,,, I can buy you one of those!!!! You want my son to stop peeing on your rim,,, I know right,,, me too!!!! That's just gross!!! We can train him!! I'll float some targets in the water,, HECK,, I have been thinking about selling him,, you just say the word!!!

Please just tell me what you need and I'll do my best to service you.

-Love Me ( I know, sounds a little needy, but, SOMEONE SHOULD DAMMIT)

This of course does not work as a toilet has no concept of bribery or empathy.

They are cruel, cruel, porcelain bathroom dictators!

But apparently some of them DO have rules...
I am sure the square for "No Apples" is on the other side.

So,,,, I'm just gonna throw this out there.

plumber's crack Pictures, Images and Photos
Seductress pornography

When a man actually DOES fix my toilet.. I will probably throw him down and make mad passionate "my toilet is fixed,,, for reals" love to him. It will be hot and it will be heavy.

I will be THAT flipping overjoyed at not having to handle toilet water. I will be THAT heated about not having to plunge in splashy bits of tainted toilet water. I will be in a flushing bliss marathon of roses and pageantry!!! With each un-Seductress rigged flush,, another wave of passion will hit me!!

Not doing these awful things will make feel THAT sexy.

For that reason,, I have come to the following conclusion:

I will not be calling a professional plumber.

I doubt that it would be proper or socially acceptable to rape the Roto-Rooter guy. Rusty of "Rusty's plumbing" would probably be slightly offended if I threw him on the cold tile floor with no warning. A to Z plumbing technicians would probably quake in fear of my crazed, happy, happy, love celebration (the marching band coming down the hall while balloons and confetti fall from the ceiling might be a little alarming to them all as well).

Therefore,,, my toilet,,, from henceforth on,,, is slated to remain a pain in my ass.

I will just have to:

Suck it up Nancy!!

And deal with it.

Unless some Male Escort Service doubles during the day as a reasonably priced plumbing business.

And then....... Well....Then all bets are off......

This is a stick figure depiction of my happiness when my toilet is fixed.
Apparently in stick figure age I am "7".
My hands are also rakes (jealous much?).
And NO I am not on my knees, this is me jumping for joy.
Why am I explaining this to you?
Get out of here until you can appreciate fine art.

13 Seducing Deductions:

Anonymous said...

I don't understand what the man in square #6 is doing? Speaking of squares, have you thought of rationing the TP squares? I have a bad habit of using about 20 squares too many which keeps my plunger frequently employed. Maybe instead of rake-hands, you need plunger-hands.(Hey Marvel comics, there's an idea for you!)
And where did you get those cute shoes? Or are the dots supposed to be your toes? - G

My word-veri today is "urges". Hmmmmm

Gucci Mama said...

I love this. I wish I had a wittier comment than that, but this is so damn awesome it's kind of robbed me of my usual word power.

Cal's Canadian Cave of Coolness said...

First of all Prince Charming don't want anyone. But YOU would be worth all the hassle and effort. You bring lots to the table especially your toilet unplugging skills. In eastern Europe you would be their queen. But please stay here as our Princess. I realize that sacrifice you are making just to do that.

The Invisible Seductress said...

Georgina-Those are toes-cute dainty toes...laughing....plunger hands...laughing again.. ;}

Gucci- You crack me up every time I visit your spot. I am glad to reciprocate a laugh!! :)

Cal- You sound like PRINCE CHARMING!!! wink hug...

Anonymous said...

I have done a lot ut toilet fixed sex isn't something I have experienced!

You ain't right.

Anonymous said...

I have the tickets book and I'm on my way.... If it can't be fixed I will blow it up and replace it.... does that count for the hot seat sex part?

damn it hope so...

The Wolf said...

Screw Prince Charming he's still in the closet like Ricky Martin was, right now that fucker is dressed like a biker, drinking cocktails, and making out with a guy named Brucie. I would be more then happy to fix you're toilet for you. And I am totally okay with you raping me :)

Crazy Brunette said...

I always preferred Maleficent from Sleeping Beauty to any other Disney character...

Maleficent and the Wicked Witch of the West... My heroes!

RawknRobynsGoneBlogWild said...

You just keep delivering the laughs with every line. Your graphics are amazing too. How do you do those things (like the little kitties flushing the lovey bear down the toilet)?! I've never seen anything like it. Don't tell us you can't fix things. You rock the world. But I'm sorry it's so frustrating with your mean, evil toilet. There will be a Prince Charming to give your plumbing a tune up. Believe it! Hugs, xoRobyn

Ca88andra said...

I never thought I could ever laugh so much upon reading a post on a toilet! Yep, I'm getting used to fixing things too or just making do. But please don't remind me about the cleaning!

Dutch donut girl said...

What's not to love about this awesome post.
Luv your stick figure.

I have fixed my toilet 3 times and then I called a plummer. He was chatty and friendly, but I didn't want to make passionate love with him afterwards.
Does this make me a bad person?

Have a nice weekend, pretty lady.
A weekend without toilet problems.

The Invisible Seductress said...

Sage-Probably not. But I find joy in the small things...wink wink.... :}

Sir-Most def.....:)

Crazy B- Good choices!! But you are prettier than them all!!

RRG- sadly I am terrible on house repairs...But I can whittle.. That counts for something :} ya!!

Ca88andra- The cleaning is the worst..I try to bribe my kids whenever possible!! Someday,,, we will be rich...sigh Hugs

DDG- No it does not make you a bad person!!. It makes me desperate!!! I think the stick gal looked just like me!! :} :} ;}

Powdered Toast Man said...

toilets are evil. Mine stares at me while I brush my teeth. I don't know what it's thinking but it scares me.

Post a Comment

Every time you leave a comment, The Seductress gets a tickle!!

giggle, snort....and maybe she pees a little...but it's still cute....really...