Tuesday, June 8, 2010
One time I drank the water out of a big red water balloon. My friends teenage brother told me that because the white residue in the balloon was poisonous, I had about a week to live. I took this news with a heavy heart but shared it with no one. I did not want my family or friends to suffer with the knowledge of my approaching demise.
As a kid you rationalize things differently, certainly this teenager knew things I did not. And certainly because he was handsome and I was writing his name on all of my spiral notebooks surrounded by hearts and had started testing out how my name sounded with his last name attached in preparation for when we got married and had 2.5 children and a lab named "Buddy" and as I made tuna casserole for him he would whittle me a dolphin out of birch wood and sing a song he wrote for me exalting my beauty and great hair,,, I mean,, CERTAINLY-- he would be just as upset as I was about the untimely passing of his future bride and could not have given me false information in such a critical of situation,, certainly..
I waited,,, seriously counting my last bits of time on this earth,,, holding this information to myself until the last hours approached. I practiced how I would tell my parents and my brother that they would have to live on "for me" and not shed a tear over my loss of life,,, but instead "celebrate" the life that I had already lived (I was glad I had seen a similar "I'm gonna die" speech on an after school special presentation on TV the week before)..
The time had finally come. After my bath and a one hour long session of combing through thick hair that went past my butt was over, I put on my prettiest nightgown (it was what I should be buried in) and placed a petal pink dab of shimmery lip gloss (wouldn't be caught dead without it) on my quivering lips. I strolled into the living room bravely stepping in front of the TV to make my horrible announcement.
I held back tears while stoically telling them to remember the happy times we had together. I wondered at times why they were taking this so easily, even laughing at points during my heartfelt goodbye speech,,, but,,, I felt glad that they were not yet overcome by grief, because I had some things to clear up.
I had a stuffed animal that would need a new owner and loving hands to play with, this I willed to my friend down the street whose very brother had alerted me to my deadly balloon poisoning. My mom was given permission to have another girl child to take my place,,, hopefully,, I would confide next,, she would be as sweet as me and a good singer for my dad. My brother was forgiven for putting me in the dryer, turning it on and dubbing me thereafter "Boom Boom Head" (because of the sounds my head made bouncing off the dryer basin). There was a lip gloss incident that needed to be explained as well (I won't speak of it here for fear there is not a statute of limitations on lip gloss theft).
After business was tended to, I was ready to go,, I had accepted my fate,, but wished that others would be warned of this deadly balloon tragedy and not feel the loss that my family was going to feel after the demise of their beloved and talented only daughter child.
When I was through eulogizing,, the laughter in the room elevated to a level that I felt was rather rude. I was then interrogated about where I had received the diagnosis about the deadly white water balloon poisoning residue. I gave up the name of my future husband. I was then dragged down the street to face my future husband (and was again a little glad I had chosen my best nightgown and had glossed). He confessed to the brash lie and there was laughter until my mom made everybody stop. I stood crying and embarrassed (but still pretty) in his doorway. I told him that I would not be marrying him because MY husband would never lie to me. He smiled at me and seemed relieved that I would be marrying a better man then him because he certainly still loved me and wanted me to have the best,, CERTAINLY.
And I lived happily ever after, never to have sucked water out of a balloon again.
I had furthermore learned my lesson and would not be as gullible EVER again!!!!
The next week he tried to sell me an empty room deodorizer with flowers on it for a dollar.
I bought it for 2 dollars.
BUT,,, only because it was half off (that day only) and it smelled like flowers still and he thought that I should have something really pretty because I was so pretty on that day too and he really needed 2 dollars but was sacrificing because he liked me... Not because I am gullible..I am not gullible.