Sunday, June 20, 2010
I posted this once today and took it back to a draft. Lately my life has been complicated, too complicated for even me to understand. I have written many serious posts over the past weeks and kept them back. I want all of you to see me as a strong and shining example of what happiness looks like. That's how I see myself even through rough times because I know who I am and who I will be coming out the other side.
This post may seem weird. But I think ,maybe there are other mothers out there who will understand it and I want them to know they are not alone. I just needed to write it today in remembering how strong of father figure I had and feeling like I let my son down in him not having that in his life. He was a birth control baby. The .01% miracle that I was not prepared for. I was trying to make a very bad relationship work when I got pregnant. But I reaped the rewards of a pure heart and unending wonder with my son. It has been a battle and there is still more to come as all mothers and fathers know, but it is the best adventure we could ever embark on.
Let me start by saying I will never have all the answers. Once we get that clear we can move on without confusion when I make mistakes, and trust me I will, but I will always be accountable for them in having made them with the best of intentions and love for you. I am trying to be your mom AND dad, it has great upsides!! Namely I don't have to share you with anyone!! I can be totally selfish and keep you all to myself. This happens to also be a down side. A very sad down side at that. Because I don't get to share you daily with someone who thinks you are just as wonderful, amazing, beautiful and heart stoppingly divine as I do (mommies can make up words like heart stoppingly, it's a rule, check the rule book).
Today is Fathers day. A day that I will most likely cry through because I miss my father so much, and also because you have not experienced that blessing to it's fullest yet. Lately you have been asking me indirectly about your daddy. It must be confusing to be 4 and see everyone else with theirs. When your sisters leave and go to their daddy's house, I see those questions in your beautiful brown eyes. Who is he? Where is he? Why does he not call me "son"? I don't know how to answer those questions yet. When in your pretend play, you tell tales of your dad, it levels me, I seriously have to take a moment to pray. I will never really be able to answer from his standpoint to 100% accuracy why things happened the way they did. I can say that he was not able or ready to be given such a great gift. All gifts come with great responsibility, you choose to take that on fully or you must walk away. I can say that I feel the right decisions were made from the very moment I found out that I would be holding you in my arms 8 months later. He was not to be apart of those decisions concerning you as he was not humbled enough to handle them.
This does not mean that you will never have a "dad" figure. We have already adopted one! His daughters and wife have allowed us to steal some "daddy" time. I am forever grateful to them for that as it is a great and rare gift! We have even stolen their Grammy!! I know their hearts can handle the extra "love load"!
There are hopes and prayers being lifted that ALL the men in your life stand tall to shadow over you in strength and morality until you bask in the sun, strong and grown enough to cast your wise shadow onto others that need the shield as you did. I will point out these figures to you as we go, you will no doubt recognize them on your own as well. They will come in your life and teach you different facets of becoming a great man. I will always be there for you son, trying to do the same from a woman's perspective.
I will forever be thankful that I was chosen to be your mother and have had the honor of watching you grow each day. Being able to show you and your sisters how much I love you is all I could ever ask for in life. There is nothing I would not do for you. I know you don't understand these words now, maybe I don't either, but I needed to say them.
We will all hold hands and run in this race together, 3 silly girls, and one rowdy spectacular little boy. And although you ARE surrounded by us girls for now, you are becoming the most wonderful boy I have ever known and stand primed to become a man that many will admire and strive to become.
Love and tickles,