Sunday, June 13, 2010

The Chihuahua Diaries

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It's been quite a while since I "dated". Well.. it's been over half a decade. That's like 35 years in dog time,, but I am not a dog,, so that may be a bad reference,, although the tip of my nose does sweat a little when I am nervous and there may be some panting when I see a handsome gentleman,, and there is that slight matter of my paw flailing in pleasure if someone scratches in just the right spot.. (you guys got some dirty minds,, I was talking about behind my ears,, makes my paw thump and my tail wags I say).

I know that I took myself "off the market" for very good reasons. There was a very bad last relationship-- abusive, consuming and scary, there was my son being sickly, and then there was me getting very sick. Timing is everything and I felt I needed to just face things on my own. I had never been alone, there was always a man around and I felt like maybe I HAD to have that to survive. I know I was not a conjoined twin in a past life, so I was pretty sure I could survive without a man around for a bit.

After being married for over a decade my first tries on the dating scene were nothing less than harrowing. I started a journal called "The Chihuahua diaries", an overview of my dating experiences (this was way before every other movie or book out was about a stinking Chihuahua and it was actually a unique idea).

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Onward to Sephora for Mascara and lipgloss I says!!

I felt a Chihuahua was a perfect muse because they can be incredibly flipping fierce,, standing up to a 2- ton Rotti and crap like that and then -BANG- in the next instance they are shaking and peeing themselves because a leaf fell in front of them.

I am like that:

----FIERCE----

But when it comes to certain things like being new on the dating scene.......

scared chihuahua Pictures, Images and Photos
Eeeeeeeep!

I can't say I was not damaged goods when my Ex first left. Unfortunately I did not know "WHAT" the hell I was at that point. I poured my whole being into the kids, home and huge chunks on him for so long I was lost. I always was fantastically imaginative, this calmed with him. I always was a "floater" meaning I could glide from person to person with ease and fit in. I secluded myself with him. I was excelling in the "Stepford Wife" transition starter program. Being what I thought a wife should be instead of who I really was. He cheated numerous times, but I blamed myself, it HAD to be my fault right?

The first weekend without my kids I was terribly depressed and out of sorts. I decided to "go out". I climbed in the attic and pulled out my trusty purple fantastic Meucci. I had not played pool since we had been together, a sport I cherished and competed in before meeting him. I dolled up for hours, ready to go play a few games and drink a beer (gasp). I even let about a milliinch of sexy black bra show,, (safety pinned of course just to make sure)...

On the way to the pool hall I passed a tattoo parlor. "What the hell!!!!" I proclaimed brashly,,, lets do something NO ONE would EVER think my "Little House on the Prairie" ass would do. So I did,,, I bared the inner ankle of my right leg and chose a delicate scrolly leaf design with an eight ball in the center,, (which probably wasn't a good idea because when I went to Jamaica I think the locals thought I was a coke dealer...eeep...I had NO idea!!)

I sat on that tattoo table trying to flirt with a young dreadlocked hottie and hold back my nausea. I really felt awkward being "out". But I was determined to play a game or two of pool...

I went to the pool hall freshly tatted and all hardcore YO..... Got quarters and a beer and fled to the very, very last table in the middle of dive bar Siberia, not making eye contact with anyone. Wasn't long before a herd of oxen came over and I awkwardly engaged them. "Maybe this wouldn't be too bad after all" I assessed. I still "had it" perhaps. This one guy was Uberly-hot, I mean it,, I frothed a little,, I did!!! And when he started to focus on me (yay me!) I was a bit giddy. We talked for all of ten minutes when he proceeded to conspire.

"You see that green Trans-am out there? (couldn't make this stuff up,, it was a Trans-Am folks,, cheesy guys best pick up car eva,,, next to a black El Camino)

"Uh, yes, I do, it's uh,,,,, pretty" I said while releasing an awkward giggle.

"Well,, I will be in it in TEN minutes so we can go to my place" he said with no doubt I would SWOON and follow him like a Lemming.

"and..." I said totally clueless.

"AND..." he said nudging my ribs with a facial expression tainted with SMARM.

Let me consult Websters Dictionary to clarify Smarm..

Smarm: n (informal)
1. Ingratiating or servile flattery
2. Charm that is distastefully self-conscience or insincere


Photographic Examples of SMARMY men:

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OR

**** in a box Pictures, Images and Photos
Your Wha in a Huh?

See also: Tween Smarm:

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Now back to our regularly scheduled post,,, already in progress...

Smarmy guy says: "I am leaving in TEN minutes and YOU are going with me" with a crotch scratch/grab after swigging down a Busch with unfounded confidence.

Well my blog peeps,, I watched him walk out that dive bar door and from the window,, I watched him get in his chic-mobile Trans-Am and spray cologne on his fertile loins.

And what did I do? You ask, hoping I acted according to the by-laws of a "good moral" woman.

I checked that my chastity belt was still safely secure,,,,, and,,,,,,,

I went in the bathroom and promptly gakked.

Yes. Maybe it was the beer or the stress of an ending marriage. I knew that the thought of sex with a hot man should not have elicited THAT response,, But it did, because I was still broken.
SmarmyBoy ended up coming back in as I left. I tried to say something coy as he walked by,, but the gakking bug was waving "hello" vigorously at me again from my stomach and I made it to the bushes just in time to release the demons and run to my car in tears,, shaking in perfect Chihuahua fashion.

I went home, alone,, and watched family videos wondering where I had been for so long and who was I now and... who's freaking tattooed inner ankle was this attached to MY leg??

I guess you wouldn't really have pegged me for somebody this weak and demure, but I was very sure that my future was being married and "safe" and I would never have to be out in THAT world again. My seduction skills were still teething. Now they BITE......(please insert biting sounds here and sing "maneater" in my honor,, then laugh at me)

Funny now,, I almost beckon those type of men to "bravely go where no man has ever gone" with the Seductress,,, (I am talking about my sewing circle on Thursday night after Bingo with Marge and Doris,, again with the dirty minds,, you should be ashamed!! Go to my room!!)

I can handle myself these days, but it took a while for me to get back there.

I think the next time I went out after that, I went out with my best gal pal I call "CrimeScene" and met a guy who was only known as "Gumby" (cue rolling laughter here).

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The home team was in for another rousing rendition of "get the hell outta Dodge" on that night.


21 Seducing Deductions:

Dutch donut girl said...

My last first date was a blind date that my best friend had set up for me. I had a nice time, as far as blind dates go, but he seemed to know everything about me. My best friend’s fault, of course, because she wanted to speed the dating process. Bad move. I wanted to ask him if he knew when I had sex for the last time, but I chickened out. Dating can be fun, but ugh... sometimes it’s a minefield of deception.
But if you want to find your love match, you have to keep going. Going out, that is. Dating.
Good luck!

Cheeseboy said...

This has to be one of the funniest posts I have ever read. The Justin Bieber slam sent it over the top for me. The dreadlocked hottie flirt was also funny, but the hacking had me laughing pretty hard.

Good luck on the dating scene. It sounds like you have what it takes... now.

The Invisible Seductress said...

DDG- I am still scared....many hugs to you my friend!! And a glass to toast us and our fabulosity!!

Cheeseboy- I know you are laughing with me and not at me...winks..But I am still very unequipped...I am learning though...X's

Cal's Canadian Cave of Coolness said...

I so wish you would get abducted close to the ocea by non-oil covered octopi so I could get all bravey and rescue you to the sound of that movie from the MATRIX instead of the 'Dorra the Explorer' tune you know too well. I would so love to date you in a normal environment where people pick then eat berries, watch reality TV and practice what the magazine I just read that sleep was the new sex. Then I would wake up and you will still smell like Lavandre and strawberries and produce the most awesome grilled cheese sandwhich. But I wouldn't come empty handed. I would have full day passes at some fine water parks and day passes to daily camp fun so that we could sit in full happy return for them many hours later. You can send me thos pictures no so that I can be sure to find me. Honest. I just filled up the Seductress mobile. So after we talk online and I realize you will not collect my head on a stick then I can meet you. What do you think?

Cal's Canadian Cave of Coolness said...

kheighton@hotmail.com. YOu need to write me so I can write back.

Sir Thomas said...

jamica huh,,,, tell me more and tat... wheres the proof?

*smiles*

Ca88andra said...

We have led very similar lives you know! And I can really relate to gakking! I haven't been on a date for... ummmm... must be six years now or maybe a tad longer! I think I'll read your success stories before I venture out again...

The Invisible Seductress said...

Cal- You crack me up!! I loved this response!! sounds perfect for me!!!!xoxo

Sir- There is proof...wink wink

Ca88andra- I don't think I will have a success story. My line of insanity scares da boys!! <3

Georgina Dollface said...

I love the Chihuahua Diaries! Any chance you'll be writing more? ;) I need someone to live vicariously through. - G

The Wolf said...

Really enjoyed reading you're post, and I can totally relate. I've been single now for just over two years from a divorce. The idea of dating is scary as hell, and leaves me scratching my head. I don't think I even remember how to :(

The Invisible Seductress said...

Georgina-You would sleep if you lived through me...sigh...I am hoping to spice it up a bit soon though!! You'll be the first to know what we do!! wink

Wolf- Hugs to you! I don't think I know how to either. I have a post coming up that sadly proves it....sigh.....

Gingeyginge said...

There's an awful lot of fish in the see and a lot are just that awful..But the prize catch is still out there!

Powdered Toast Man said...

I once had a blue El Camino but it was a piece of shit and definitely not a chick magnet.

If you can find some free online scrabble, I'm game.

I get my comments sent to my email so I can read them easier and respond to peoples comments. Your email doesn't show when I want to respond to your comments. I don't like it.

Marnie said...

I'm sorry you went through all that, I really am, but man you had me laughing. I'm glad you came out of your situation with such a great sense of humor. You should try stand-up comedy :0)

RawknRobynsGoneBlogWild said...

My dear, first off, is there any cake left? Sorry I'm delayed. I understand if you finished it. I'll just bring another one over.
Second, that jackass was way too smarmy. There is nothing wrong with you that you didn't want to rock out in his Trans-Am. This means you have integrity, not that you weren't or aren't prepared for a date. Looks like Cal's offering one. (I think?) And the gardener had the hots for you. What I'm trying to say is you've still got it, & you always did.
Too bad that doesn't make the dating thing any less scary. But it's not you. It's THEM. ALL OF THEM..okay, perhaps I'm not one to support or advise you here. Let's just eat cake together. Shall we?
Big Hugs,
xoRobyn

Brahm (alfred lives here) said...

Sorry you went thru the festival of crapola, that being said I think we all have.

As someone recently married to a great guy, I gotta tell you I didnt meet him til I was in my early 40s, and prior to that kissed a lot of frogs; and by kissed I mean dated, and by frogs I mean losers; and by dated I mean banged, and by losers I mean scary psychopaths. Kinda shocked I got thru it somedays... and you will triumph as well! Humor will get you there, and you clearly have that!

Keep writing, loooove your stuff!

The Invisible Seductress said...

Gingey-I am keeping the faith.. I think..

PTM- You're on!! Wink.. I am not sure how to link my email..Because I am a goober.. I'll try to figure it out.. hugs

Marnie- I always wanted to try that,,,shiver shiver,, or maybe write for someone,,you in?? :}

RRG- I guess part of being a woman is always blaming yourself for everything,, I hate that part...There will always be cake when you visit,,anytime...really...Love ya

Brahm-You cracked me up with this response!!! Thank you so much for that!!!

RawknRobynsGoneBlogWild said...

Yes, that part stinks. So we shall eat cake.
love ya back (I mean, not your back, which I'm sure is hairless, but I love ya in return).
xoRobyn :)

The Invisible Seductress said...

Yes,, my back is hairless. I guess I should be thankful for that gift at least....laughing...

Chocolate cake with a molten chocolate center...


and dancing...there must be dancing!!

D. Scandal said...

I hate smarmy guys, haha. I picked my first tattoo off a wall in a parlor close to podunk ;) The additude was something like, 'tell me what I won't do.' Love it!

The Invisible Seductress said...

D. Scandal- I had the same attitude with mine. Freeing a little bit-It was so uncharacteristic of me then. I know who I am now..

Cheers to us for staying in the game!

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