Mattress craters and stink!

It took a few hours. I scrubbed and washed until I saw the woman BENEATH the residue of "MOMMY wipe me's!!!!" and the "What did you just EAT off the floor??!!" type activity. Truth be known, I like my grimy "mommy" layers, A LOT,, but today I knew I NEEDED to shed them for a few hours so that they would sparkle just a tad brighter and look renewed in the morning.

I wanted to have adult conversation at a table in a restaurant where the menu isn't plastered on the wall and decorated with miscellaneous clown parts. There would be no dipping a napkin in ice water and holding squirmy cheeks for cleaning. No whines from the eldest on how embarrassing it is that she STILL has to eat off the kids menu (which I do too-when they let me-geesh). No broken "tween" hearts or vocally lifted demonstrations about being the ONLY kid WITHOUT a cell phone, like TOTALLY,,,, OMG!!!!!.

So when my single friend's mom offered to watch Traxx for me so we could go out, I did a mental back flip. I then began the prep work of readying myself physically and mentally for the evening.

I am a little sad that it has come to this, me trying to talk myself into being normal, but it is my existence and I heart it.

Here is the checklist:

HAIR: Big with the perfect amount of wild flips

EYES: Sparkle 2 shimmer ratio, dead on

ROCKER CHIC ACCESSORIES: Rockery

HEELS: Moderately high

SKIRT: Conservatively short

ATTITUDE: Chihuahua-ish------yup-----a shaking and peeing Chihuahua (not really peeing but you get the comparison right?)...but STILL CUTE!!!! (laughing and hoping that's true).

I wasn't ready but I needed to be. I was going out with CrimeScene and needed all my wits about me. My seasoned readers may remember CrimeScene from previous posts. Newer readers should read "He gleeked on me!" from the October archives to better understand the dynamics at hand.

This is an illustration of EVERY picture
we have EVER taken together
(and NO we are not topless!!)

She is gorg. Tall and blond, the polar opposite from me: dark and short (well, THAT certainly sounded unflattering for me!) Notice how much taller she actually is. Because of this great difference in latitudinal adjustment, my head is exactly AT her boob level AND is almost the same size as a singular boob. This is disturbing for many reasons. One being that when she is next to me I never can tell if it's my lovely make-up that is getting admired adoringly or a rampant case of "boob scope-age" ....(or in rarer cases a "crazy" eye issue comes up and in that instance NO ONE knows exactly WHAT is being looked at so it doesn't really matter).

Men use an eye- to- eye convo with me as a clever way to disguise the rude CrimeScene cleavage gawking. Conversely, if they are looking at MY boobs it is very obvious because their heads are pointed directly to the ground, BUSTED.... (Big chested "almost dwarf" girls have issues no one would ever think of, it's sad really)....Or maybe men just look down when they talk to me (overwhelmed by my beauty and charm,, obviously), in that case it's just weird. These are my burdens to traverse in life. Pity me.

Nothing that happened was CrimeScene's fault (this time). And since she reads my blog religiously I must send her a you're a diva wink and hug before continuing.

We had been having a conversation about an ex of hers. The conversation gravitated to an intimate encounter with him that went bad because of ass funkage, really bad ass funkage!! This humored me to no end because of the detail and nastiness of the conversation and because I appreciate sophomoric humor (being in the bathroom at the time only accentuated the humor factor). The talk even delved into an ex of mine who had foot smell issues. It was a deeply moving, bonding moment between two friends in separate stalls of a dive bar bathroom (Hallmark called and is recreating it in movie form).

I then found out her ex would definitely be there and I pondered the chances of looking at him and NOT breaking out in a masterfully choreographed ass stink dance, I conclude the chances are slim. But even more troubling was the fact that he was not "over" her yet. Also adding fuel to the fire is that she has a little thing for another guy (that I think looks like a mutant Moncchichi) and HE would be there too. GREAT,, not even an hour into the night and there is already CrimeScene drama!!!! Things did not look good for the home team (I am the home team people----pay attention! ;} ).

Hot stuff!!!


Anyway,, ass boy started wandering around us like a puppy and CrimeScene was trying to be cold to him. I was OK with that because it temporarily made him leave and the ass visuals and urge to twitch briefly subsided. But when she had a bit too much to drink and ANOTHER loser was taking advantage of this state, I had to take action and turn into "The Cock Blocker" (which always negates ANY possibility of having a calm night of fun with a girlfriend). YEAH ME!!

Note: I don't really like the words "cock blocker" so I will change them a bit as we go on.

This new guy, although handsome, was an OBVIOUS player. He was playing with another girl BEFORE her then was trying to play with me BESIDE her and then back to the OTHER girl when she was not looking, just a bad guy. And as the "Sausage Shirker" (ha) I knew I had to separate the two of them, but,,, I had also had a few vodka infused inhibitors and chose to make a restroom run first.

While in the bathroom, the make up tutorial requests from the other restroom patrons started and I lost track of time explaining my life altering sparkle strategy. And that made me happy for the moment.

But,,,,,,

I had to return to the task at hand (sigh) and on the way back to "Serpent Slay" for CrimeScene, ass boy walked up to me. I find out ass boy thinks I'm purrrty (an obvious make CrimeScene jealous ploy developing)- you can imagine my joy - and he explains that he would like to get to know me and that he IS indeed over her. WHAT THE HALIBUT? REALLY???? I place my hands firmly onto my face (careful not to disrupt sparkly eyes) and decide to walk away quickly to resume my "Pipe Push Away Tactics" starring a now squealy drunk CrimeScene and a newly sexually encouraged jerk boy.

This is going to be a long night folks.

Ass boy is now circling us like a shark on Meat Skittles while jerk boy is salivating all over CrimeScene--and now--- a miscellaneous drummer guy (that had been staring at me earlier) keeps coming up "checking" on me (but not saying ANYTHING ELSE but: "I'm just checking on you!" and walking away). And I am OK with him talking to me respectfully (because he knows I am not interested) except that AFTER his show he is renewed with "I am GREAT drummer boy juice" and approaches like I will drop to my knees in observance of his greatness - I don't. Instead, I scoop up a gangly beautifully primed for trouble CrimeScene and hightail it to the door as any esteemed "dork deterrent" system would..

Pipe pusher jerk boy catches us at the car and after professing his needs to her and depositing her into the car (which I was thankful for) comes over to my side of the car, sticks his head in to plead his case and give me a kiss on the cheek (ya gotta romance the friend guys, it is some kind of stupid rule). I pull off quickly not really watching if his feet had cleared the tires.

As we sing very loudly to the rock blaring in my car, we find ourselves at Steak and Shake (the car just went there, had I chosen it would have went straight home). I order foods of questionable origin and have an impromptu "annoy the drive-thru worker" session which was seriously the best freaking part of my night!

It's then I find out:

CrimeScene gave jerk boy our address and he is planning on stopping by!!!!!

WHAT THE HALIBUT???!!!

He sends a text saying he is on his way!!!!!

I celebrate by throwing up in my mouth a little.

I quickly and embarrassingly turn street gangsta and proclaim loudly "I"LL CUT A BOY!!" (and then check myself for my now lapsing verbal intelligence and pride, cause I am not sure where THAT statement came from!!??? ). I work on my breathing and calm down enough to assure he doesn't show up.

Not that I could do anything to stop it, but he didn't show up and I was thankful!

And we did get home safe!

And I did get my verbal intelligence back, Yo.

I then slink into the spare room,, happy with my newly steak-burger juiced belly and another safely navigated CrimeScene night and collapse into a defunct bed.

Sweetly, I lay curled up within a 10ft wide 3ft deep crater in the middle of the aforementioned defunct mattress.

And there, while in my slightly buzzed state, I laugh at the ass boy and feet funk stories (AGAIN) and try not to think about how the mattress crater got there........

...... CrimeScene and I live happily ever after, both giddy with plans to go to an all day concert next Sunday to see an 80's hair band!! Good Lord what have I done??

.......banging head on table....