Well, it was bound to happen. I braved a world I had never imagined I would. There were nervous twitches as I entered the sanctuary. Everyone took in a collective breath as they marveled at the sight I had bestowed upon them and the duty they had been called upon to undertake. I make no excuses for their nervousness. The task at hand WAS daunting and I, less than positive about the outcome. But I had to have faith and trust in a higher power.
It was time for me to "up the ante" on underwear. I had stumbled into a Victoria’s Secret with the goal------NAY---a lifelong dream of finding a GOOD supportive cleavage enhancing over the shoulder boulder holder device. I wanted to rival CrimeScene’s cleavage this weekend. I have boobs people,,,,, fear me (laughing)!
Wanna hear about it?? Of course you do!! Here I go:
She circled around the racks with a deftness that was obvious. I watched her blond hair dot the atmosphere with a supercalifragilisticexpialidocious sassy fake-ness. Her make-up was harsh and unyielding, eyes uninterested and cold, but she was smiling for me, a really big "I need commission" smile. I was touched that she looked at this poor girl with a perfect rack and no VS experience as her target. I enjoyed the bulls eye's on my chest and relished in the attention of the under whelmed and inattentive.
The area was alive with the fluttering of large butterflies playing freely on air hangers. The color and motion be-stilled me for a moment as I took in all the lacy goodness. There were too many demi and push-up species to count - all with matching caterpillar strips for bottoms and the insurance of full undie coordination.
She measured me with a soft touch and a glint of "I hate my job" and brought in my first butterfly victims. I was awestruck at the lack of fabric and substance of the bras deemed "the best" by everyone. If I were to re-mortgage my home for this purchase we would have to do better than THIS!! My boobs stared up at me with a longing of the finer life. I could not let them down, they needed support now more than ever!! I caressed them softly and ... (uh,, er,, no I didn’t,, geeze this is a family blog,, get over it!) I told them to shut up or we're going to Family Dollar!!!!! I was in charge today!!!
A few more samples were retrieved and I was informed that I would receive a “FREE” pantie with each bra purchase. I tried to remain calm: It was easy to curb my enthusiasm.
I did find worthy entrapment devices....And I DID purchase them, thrilled more at my fancy pink striped bag with matching paper lining than the free underwear. I was thrifty! 10 payments of $19.99 and the undergarments would be MINE----all MINE!!!!! (Evil laugh while stroking bald cat---COME ON!!!!!!!! REALLY?????.........It was an Austin Powers/Dr. Evil reference,, don’t make me come back there!! Where IS your mind today?? I am a little disappointed in you!!)
So yes, I paid a lot of money for underwear that does not cover ANYTHING and bras that don’t hold ANYTHING in!!! And I didn’t sleep all night over the thought of spending THAT much on a them....
And since I am a little embarrassed to take them back and face “her”, I will probably drive an hour to take them back to the other store. Rocket science at it’s best.
......I know,,,, but Do you think there is a guidebook for me??
Great at least there is hope!!! But what if it does not work? What then?
......well if Dogbert says he can help, there MUST be hope!! How long will it take?
......but wait!!! Isn't that the symbol for INFINITY????????? Will I at least get laid in the process???
....REALLY?????? Will I at least get laid while I am being DE-MORONIZED?????
....but WAIT.....YOU TOLD ME TO ASK AGAIN!!!!!!!!!!
....well, I hadn't ever CONSIDERED that option..hmmmm..What now Eight Ball?????
....I KNEW IT!!!! It all comes back to Circus Peanuts......sigh......