Words strung together meticulously trying to achieve the funny..but failing miserably..

I decided I would paste together some things that I think are ALMOST funny and maybe some of you will ALMOST laugh at them.. This is an experiment and should not be used against me if it fails..

This post will self destruct in 90 seconds.........

I want to work for Zappos and get in touch with my inner puppet.

Why are all the people in depression medicine advertising ugly? Now I am worried, not only because I feel depressed, but that I must be ugly on top of that! This is a bad cycle of events.

Men walked on the moon, but Dish Network can't keep programming on when it rains.

Ever notice a man "hug" with another man consists of a somewhat violent looking "power struggle pull" to the chest and 3 pats on the back? WTF is up with that?

If I am more than 5 feet away, please don't hold the door for me! I appreciate the sentiment, but I look rude if I don't sprint in at superhuman speed, I would have rather opened my own damn door.

Baboons should be required to wear pants.

No one wants to see that.

Bratz doll lips look like baboon asses.

No one wants to see that.
(is it just me or does that one look like me? The doll....... not the primate......really? Still going with the monkey ass?? Well at least it is shaped like a heart..)

I don't think Vienna sausages are really from Vienna.

I will probably NOT have a good day AFTER you give me that ticket officer.

Why do you look at me funny when you say: "How may I help you?" and I say "Well, the gutters need cleaning out and the yard needs mowed and....." YOU asked ME remember???!!!

3 Musketeers bars are 40% less fat than a regular candy bar. This should make me feel healthier, but all it really does is make me want my other damn 60%!

I think orgasms should come with every order...like fries...

The Grass is Always Greener...

Why do they say that the grass is ALWAYS greener on the other side? I decided to take a scientific approach to solving this mystery once and for all. To be precise, I gathered grass samples from 72 1/2 locations and brought them back to my lab (actually she's a mix breed,, but whatever)...

We tested each sample meticulously and discovered this statement to be totally false. The grass is NOT always greener on the other side!! Actually,, when we flipped each blade of grass over,, we found no difference in the green hue values at all!! Each blade was the exact same color on the front as it was on the other side.

And now YOU know!!! No one can ever give you that bullshit line without you having a scientifically accurate,, Seductressly proven,, clever retort ready in your brain files.

I have found while driving I see a lot of signs that say "Soft Shoulder". My shoulders are never softer around those turns. This upsets me. I am currently doing more research.

Chicken Or Egg??

OF COURSE the chicken came BEFORE the egg. How would we know it was even a chicken if it didn't come first. We would have no clue what a chicken even looked like until one is manifested in front of us as a display model.

So you can put that issue to rest as well.

Does the Cat Have Your Tongue??

Realistically,, if a cat has your tongue,, you are probably NOT going to get it back any time soon. Cats are assholes that way. Even if the cat IS feeling generous enough to return it,, he has probably already done a battery of scientific cat testing to it and it will be of no use to you.

Furthermore, we should all be very careful about letting a cat "get" our tongues because reproducing speech is the last step before a swift Cat World Domination tour ends life on Earth as we know it.

Your cat told me of this plan whilst heavily intoxicated on spiked catnip..

He also told me about this incident:

You should be ashamed of yourself...

Oh,,,, That's just WRONG!!!!