Wednesday, August 4, 2010

My most controversial post ....eva......

Yes. Controversy. The outlet of many voices. The "I have an opinion and I am entitled to it", and "you are entitled to yours, but only if it mimics mine" dance, people play.

If you love me, hate me, lust me, whatever (laughing hysterically), if this post changes your mind I am sorry...

Whether I feel you are "right" or "wrong", I will hear everyone out.

Ready?

I went to Walmart today.... Shock.... Horror..... but that's not the controversy, although it should be sometimes!

(insert dream waves and blast from the past music here)

I was 18ish I think. I went out with a guy who I really liked personality wise, he wasn't a picture on a paper towel roll or anything, but it didn't matter, I liked him (he did have a mullet though).. We were having fun and laughing a lot. I don't remember exact details but, I was stunning, I am sure, although I don't think I had grown into my arms yet. I have now. See?? {{{waving}}}

We ended up at my place. But, there is no "Bow chica bow bow" story for you here (I'm sorry).

We started dancing in the street, the whole thing was fun-stupid-kid-romantical and shiz. We kissed for a long time, I do remember that. He then looked at me and said it was "a shame". I asked what was "a shame". He said that he REALLY liked my personality -BUT- (you know the "BUT" rule don't you? It wipes out the whole first half of the sentence,,, For example: I love you -BUT- I need to move on--- whatever the last half is.. is the truth of the statement, you DON'T love me,, you just need to move on... Don't waste my time with a sugarcoated "BUT".... a sugarcoated butt however is possibly not a waste of time...)


" I really like your personality and you are so cool -BUT- you are heavier than I would like to "be" with.

"Really?" I questioned swallowing my anger.

He said that he and his ALL his friends only date "thin" girls.

"Oh REALLY??!!!!"

I tried not to mention that he was certainly NOT the "Brawny guy" I had eluded to previously or that flannel on HIM looked like a checkerboard wrapped around a poop, or that his kisses were Great Danish at best,,, blah blah blah..... I was cool. I didn't have time for that. But who was he to ASSume I wanted to "be" with him anyways!!!!

I was between a size 7-8 then. I always liked me at a 7, I think it fits, it feels healthy and I still have curves. The news that I was not "thin" devastated me, it had always been something I worked on. Of course I didn't let him know it crushed me, but it did.

I wonder if he thought a woman's rib cage was designed to be "handle bars" for when they give rides to asshole men. I rationalize that you are not supposed to be able to smuggle children into the country, nestled safely in your bony clavicle area (but Angelina Jolie DOES make it look easy).

I spent the next year throwing up and taking laxatives like candy. I was not healthy-or happy. I would pass out on command and looked sallow, my hair started falling out (this was bad as this was the '80's ...gasp). My brain switch was triggered (again) in my head at that moment in my front yard. "No matter what" was the thought, "no matter what" I would be thin.

Life is not that easy. I wish it were. I have to work hard to fight weight, sometimes I win, sometimes I lose. But I always fight it and forget a little about how stunning my insides are. We all do this about things we dislike about ourselves. Human nature dictates it.

The perception of "being pretty" fails to see the heart. If you have a pretty face and are the tad bit heavy, you are tortured with the "if only" disease. Men will look at you and say something THEY feel is helpful like "if only you were 20 pounds lighter, you could be a supermodel" (and then they laugh and try to grope you).

If I were a supermodel, dude, really,,,,, I would date superficial assholes like you EVEN less than I do now!!!!

If only......would I want you to love me until all of my "if onlys" run out????

So do you ALWAYS grasp at that 20 pounds (or more) like it is a disease to be cured, never really feeling worthy? Or do you let it go and just be?

My health has dictated a lot of this for me. Meds that make you gain weight (I'm on them again) surgeries that make me lose it (or so you hope).

Along with everything else I have going on,, financially and medically,, right now,, I have an "incisional hernia". It is big and it is depressing me to no end which is making me want to eat and drink and stab my eyes out. After having 12 surgeries my stomach wall was compromised. I now look 8 months pregnant. There are things that are making me wait to have the surgery, I am a time bomb, my organs could twist at any time and it would be horrible, but I have to be patient now, some other things have to be taken care of. And for now, I live like this. I pray for the sun to go down so I KNOW no one will see me (I am like Shrek's "Fiona" only in reverse). I don't go out unless I have to (that's not only appearance but physically feeling ill as well). I am in my bubble. I am suffering and trying not to let it effect my kids. I am miserable with this and everything else pounding at my door.

I went from feeling confident, sexy, talented, successful, good, strong, and worthy to "this" in my life. Sad... Hard to see the light... I am fighting that urge to purge and hate myself again, fighting to stay OK with not being "OK" for the moment.

I am sorry to shatter my "Seductress" status... sniffle.... But this is reality and sometimes things happen that are horrendous, my nightmare will stop soon. I will keep smiling and sarcastically breaking down everything around me, I will survive in my own comedy reality show (and you have tuned in to it,, wink,, please keep me broadcasting)..

Back to Walmart.........

A guy was following me around (I was dolled up and sparkled in all the right places, I still do that and try not to look slumpy). He was a bit bizarre, I was spending private time with a toilet paper issue. He just stares and passes 10 times. I decide to grab a brand with a puppy on the front and leave. He follows, glare in his eyes and a smile plastered on his face. He says:

"It's hard deciding which one, isn't it?" His eyes as wide as saucers, focused on me.

"Uh, I guess, it's just toilet paper, not SPAM" I say looking around for his "special helper" diverting with awkward humor. (Seductress humor secret: SPAM is always a great diversion!)

..... and he follows me out of the aisle.....

..... and follows me......

Finally he says:

"My wife USED to look like you"

".......uh.... er...... she must be....... fantastic????" I say in "Jeopardy" form, fishing for a valid explanation for the stupidity my ears are being raped with.

"She WAS fantastic,,, She's REALLY fat now,,, but she USED to be THAT size" He mutters as he Vanna Whites' my body with a smile and a wink.

How could he know the battles I have been having?

What did he mean by "THAT" size anyway?

Was this a compliment? Flirting? I'm confused!

"So what, love her anyway, she's the SAME woman!" I continue, wishing I had my paint ball gun.

"But she's gotten fatter"

"Have you gotten stupider???" (insert the undeniable "you're an ass" face" here).

" ...It seems so,,,, have a nice day." I say, answering my own question correctly.

And I walk off.

This was all spoken in front of my girls. WTF do you think you are doing talking like that in front of young girls. I got questions from my kids "What did he mean?" I fielded them, but this worlds obsession with "thin" has gotten WAY out of hand.

And it's not just girls, our boys get hit now too. I saw a father on "Wife Swap" say harshly to a young teen:

"Take those pants off, they make you look fat!"

There are ways to say things and times NOT to say anything at all. Home is your "safe" place. It's not for many people, they get ridiculed there too and end up with their heads in a toilet and fingers down their throats.

After this conversation my daughter told me what the average weight in her class was.

"I think I need to get down to the lowest one (at least) don't you?"

"Do you like who you are and what you look like?"

"Sometimes, I guess" she says shrugging.

"Lets work on what YOU think needs working on and be happy, no one IN your class is YOU, their weight is inconsequential to you, you decide what you want to be".

But I think I need help. I don't think, as much as I want to, "just parents" can do this on their own. The balance between "loving yourself" and "being narcissistic" is very fine. I want them to be self confident but humble. Happy with who they are and proud of what they have to offer, pleased with whatever physical attributes life gives them. Always bettering, but never obsessing or self loathing. It's harder now for me then ever.....

Stop JADING my kids!!!!!!!!

18 Seducing Deductions:

Georgina Dollface said...

Unbelievable. What a creep. You are absolutely right, home should be a safe space, not one where people get ridiculed by those who supposedly love them. - G

Blasé said...

Being overweight in America has become an epidemic. But, there are people like you who have weight issues that are beyond your control.

You are concerned how people look at you. Are they looking at me and questioning 'why' I'm this way? Yes, they are. It's all about finding that special person who looks past the outside and is willing to get to know the inside of a person.

FYI: If I were a single man...I would be after your butt because I know the true YOU. Plus, I'm not attracted to bones. I need some Cushion-4-the-Pushin'

Curves are Cool...and Bones are Boring

Liras said...

This is my first visit here but if you never write again, you have cranked out a masterpiece.

I have often wondered about the good things women miss out on, as they spend hours agonizing over what to eat, feeling bad over what they ate, and exercising for hours, in an attempt to be thinner than ever.

You were not big, nor were you really medium at a size 7--you were slim. The easiest way to control and undermine a woman is too tell her she is too big. I am sorry that you went through that and that you starved yourself.

As for who you are today, a man either likes you or not. Same as it was back then.

I am not sure why Nutty Man followed you in the store. Maybe he wanted to touch you. Nutso people are always attracted to bright objects.

Good wishes on being healthy and shielding your kids from the incessant brainwashing that goes on.

Meow said...

I loved this. Honestly, I've only really scanned your other work, but this I read through and through. I'm a college student and the past few months I've been hating my body. I know the "if only's" well. "If only I could like like her" , "If only I could get rid of these love handles". I started throwing up, but in pursuit of a career in medicine, my knowledge got the best of me. So now I exercise, religiously, every day for at least an hour. All I can hope is that it's enough. I'm seeing changes which makes me happy. I felt a pang in my stomach when you talked about the guy who said you were too heavy. It made me feel obese! I'm that age now and like a size 8-9ish! Thanks for the inspire!

D. Scandal said...

That guy has some serious evil karma heading his way.

It's not about weight. It really isn't. If you do what you can to be a healthy person, and you are content with who you are, that's really what it is about.

I think what you told your daughter was right on. I really wish I'd heard more of that growing up, and less of the 'thin is in' talk.

Midwestern Mama Holly said...

What a fucking .... fucktard. I probably would have pepper sprayed him just for shits and giggles.

MJenks said...

You're right, I do think less of you now.

How could you possibly date a guy with a mullet???

My preconceptions of you...they are shattered. *sniff*

Oh, I like curvier women, myself. Fear not...that part is still quite okay...it's just...a mullet. Gah!

The Invisible Seductress said...

Georgina-For a lot of people, home is the worst place for judgment. The place self esteem should grow, instead it gets trampled on :(

Blase- I think I sex the world up a bit too....wink

Lira- Thanks for the good wishes! It is always a battle.. Always will be.. Knowing that helps control it it seems. Hopefully after the surgery my life will level out.

Meow- It sucks ---the if only's...It's hard learning how to deal with them. You sound like you got a good head on your shoulders helping you through!!!

DScandal- You are so right. It just sucks being sick AND depressed AND alone.....ack.... hugs

Mama- Shoulda---- creep---- I don't know if that was a compliment from him or what it was. Was THAT flirting?? Im so confused!!

MJenks- You crack me up!! The mullet IS unforgivable!!!! I'll always be a little curvy..But I'll always watch it too...Gah...mullet is right!!!

FALEN AKA THUNDERCAT said...

rule of thumb...if a douche bag comments on your weight...go straight to the penis comments or lack there of...KILLS THEM EVERYTIME :P

Kal said...

This kind of stuff makes me insane. It seems that putting down fat people is the one bit of prejudice that is allowed in our culture. Just because a person is not a size 0 they are instanting painted to be a loser. I have seen this attitude all my life where people judge me instantly and only later are forced to admit that I am not anything like I appear. I look at a person's HEART instead of their ass and value kindness, humor, and acceptance more than I value entitlement. My father never made anyone look unimportant or unnoticed or small and I carry that attitude with me in my life. You are beautiful, smart, kind and loving and I adore you just the way you are. I just wish that when you are confronted by assholes like the one in the store that you would kick him square in the junk before walking away.

Jeannie said...

When I was young, I obsessed about every imagined fault I thought I had. I heard few compliments and insults were the norm in my family and group. I was confused because I didn't think I was so hideous when I looked in the mirror - and so I obsessed. But I was very lean - not tiny because I do not have a tiny bone structure and I carry a lot of muscle - but I had very little excess fat. Still thought I was overweight.

Looking back, I know I was gorgeous. I raised my daughter to believe she's gorgeous and she does and she is. She will never be a super model because that is not her body shape. There are a lot of body shapes and super model is only one and in real life, it isn't so attractive. It is an optimum body shape to hang clothes on so that the clothes look good - and the body disappears. That's it. A lot of guys prefer soft curves over hard bones or muscle but many don't really want to admit it because it isn't cool. Guys who only want thin girls tend to be insecure assholes.

Jan @ bobbypins boardwalk said...

Seductress, I'm 52 years old and have spent over 40 of those years either losing weight or gaining it back. It sucks!!! I went through a period of anorexia (brief, but nevertheless -- I didn't eat and I got down to skin and bones). Years later, my daughter at age 17 went through it also. I always tried to let her know that she was beautiful the way she was. But what power did I have compared to society? She went off to college and things settled down for her. She was accepted more readily at college than at high school. She no longer felt she had to be perfect I suppose. She allowed herself to eat again! BUT -- SHE NEVER EATS WITHOUT FEELING GUILTY! She now runs approximately 3 miles every night. If she's eaten more than she thinks she should have, she adds a mile. Why do we allow our children to do this? How can we stop our children from doing this?

The mentality of the Walmart creep is pretty sad, yet I'm not completely surprised. He felt that he could try to pick up on you because his wife broke their "bargain" of sorts -- she gained weight. He felt justified in going after a beauty. And your children witnessed it.

sigh...

Is it only like this in America? What is it like in Canada? Are they obsessive about their weight, as well?

Do they have every size clothing in their closet? ...for when we are bad and "gain" and when we are good and "lose"?

grrrrr

Nippy The Penguin said...

I hate when people judge others based on weight or appearances , personally I woulda kicked that creepy dude at walmart in the junk or at the very least directed him to the barbie aisle to seek his companionship as that seems more like what he would be lookin for anyways, and good for you telling him she was the same woman. This guy has been officially nominated for super douche of the year award which the grand prize results in a bunch of little blue penguins showing up to your door and beating you senseless with over sized mallets...... Best of luck to the nominee.

Sir Thomas said...

you know baby you write those fuckers names down and send them to me... and i will fix both of them shit heads...

nothing more do I Hate then a judge...


For the record i want you to listen to a song I like.... ask me off line and it will willl show you which way I go *smiles*

The Urban Cowboy said...

He was a moronic, self absorbed, dirt bag. I bet he does nothing but lowers his wife's self esteem because if she had any she would leave his ass.

For what it's worth, I think you're sexy as all hell!

RawknRobynsGoneBlogWild said...

Hon, you are absolutely beautiful, amazing, and very, very brave. I appreciate all of this, especially the part where you ask the stupid man, "Have you gotten stupider?"
I was realizing today how obsessed I am with food as a means of coping. It's a really tough issue. You're not alone.
Lots of hugs,
xoRobyn

Green Monkey said...

okay, I'm here t tickle you.

first... did his comment change how you feel about yourself - physically? I was thinking he was sort of like an angel, sent down with a message. OKAY, not an angel, but some sort of freak guide. there is always going to be someone prettier, thinner, younger. what I think he saw was a woman who ...with confidence and pride, went to walmart in style. you must have been exuding a lot of positive vibes. people, who are struggling emotionally pick up on that stuff because they are raw and open. they pick up on the good stuff and the bad stuff. this guy saw your good stuff and it made him focus on what he was lacking in his life. HE'S DEFINITELY OUT OF LINE - with the kids being there...

I'm struggling with my body changes now that I'm over 50. I'm trying really hard to love the way I look right now, realizing its only going to get worse. saggy skin, wrinkles, droopy stuff, veins, cellulite, stretch marks... I really want to be lusted, loved, adored, etc.... i think we all want that.

I'm just rambling here. wanted you to know that its true, its true, you are NOT alone!

gayle said...

I think this is an ongoing stuggle that most women have. I am 50+ and I gain and lose. Right now I am not where I want to be but it's my fault I eat when I am sad or stressed and gain weight... plus a few years ago I quit smoking. I want so bad to lose this weight but more than that I want to be healthy.

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