This could only happen to me....

I say that because, this COULD only happen to me. Geesh, having to explain that to you again is kinda weird, but OK.

You wanna hear about it? Of course you do! Here I go:

Basked in the heavenly glow!!
Basked I say!!!!

I don't really go on the dating sites anymore. I do still get messages though, I have not deleted my file because I am addicted to reading emails from people who want to "Dance with the Devil"... (remember that last line, it will become important later).

Truth is, the comedy factor alone keeps me coming back for more. Sad the day will be, when I find my "forever" victim guy and no longer need assistance from the Internet Dating God's (not really). It may sound mean,"playing", but I assure you it's not. IF I go on and IF I read one that has substance, I will normally say:

"Thank you for responding, but this item has been temporarily recalled for the safety and sanity of all mankind".

It's the players and sex hounds I love to mess with. Seriously, you have to agree that the "pipe pic" senders, "private room sexter" pleas, marriage proposals from Billy goats and the "let me write a stranger a poem as if I REALLY know her" emails are funny. As if my little 3x3 photo has changed your life and stopped your world dead in it's tracks with love (I mean I CAN see where that would happen if I posted a picture of my heart, but....).

One of the sites emails you every time you get an email or a "wink". I usually ignore them, let them pile up and when I am done licking the windows or feeding the dust bunnies hot dogs with miniature sporks, I read them all at once and Laugh and Laugh.

But, today I got the following URGENT message:

******The Lord emailed you at 1:45Pm!*******

I thought: "Holy crap!!" (like how I sanctified the exclamation statement??)

.......I knew this was gonna happen sooner or later!!

I guess in the grand scheme of things, if people aren't going to church and heeding your word, the Internet WOULD be a good point of contact, I mean, he COULD have "friended" me on facebook, but, this way was effective too, besides, I don't do "Farmville", so I wouldn't be a very good "reaper and sewer" there for him anyway.

So, of course, I went off to the site that the Lord emailed me on, wouldn't you?

It had no picture as it was a "private profile" (I wouldn't want everyone having my information if I was him either).

The message was very simple and concise:

"I am Lord. Please contact me."

Really??

Perhaps he could have done a little more to "wooooo" me but, alright.

Note to self: Contact the Lord tonight as I close my eyes and pray for a normal man World Peace and mascara.

But ALAS!!! The Lord must have noticed that I read his email and did not respond, as a few moments later the text sound rings through my phone and a beam of heavenly light focuses on it whilst the angels serenade me.

I pick it up to read:

*****The Lord emailed you at 2:02PM!*****

Ohmanohmanohmanohman.....

This time the email was a little more defined:

"I am Lord. email privately at Lord_cud@blah blah.com"

THAT'S STRANGE!!

Why exactly WOULD the Lord UNDERSCORE cud???

Is this a secret message only the privileged received? Is there something I am to do with the cows? Take away their cud perhaps? Are we as humans to adopt a place in the "chewing cud" culinary adventure?

I must know! I email the Lord back.

"HI!"

(text sound)

*****The Lord emailed you at 2:35PM!*****

(Breathing quickly)

(clicking on website whilst humming "Old Rugged Cross" angelically..)

****I am Lord.....Meet me in a "private room" sexy!!!****

OH LORD!!!!! YOU so CRAZY!!!!!!

I have saved the emails for posterity.

**Seductress Notes: No deities were meant to be disrespected in this post. Just an idiot web dater who thought this was a clever handle to abuse for his own skeezy dating needs. I really do want World Peace and mascara. Dust bunnies do love hot dogs on miniature sporks. I am still basking. Farts are ALWAYS funny people.

..Now back to your regularly scheduled day..already in progress..