Friday, August 27, 2010

I was a ROAD RAGE virgin!!.....Confessions of my lost innocence

I am a very patient gal. The heavenly light of sweetness shines around me and strengthens as it reflects off my super-deluxe edition halo. I can't see risking life and limb or proper etiquette rules in front of blossoming children to verbally assault another driver. But my kids were not in the car today when I encountered Asswiper Jones and his traveling business office.

Well, maybe I give him too much credit here, it was a broken down, twice-baked, dilapidated, work-truckish, business office.

(this is you asking....) "Huh?? Twice baked? WTF does THAT mean Seductress???"

First off this is a family blog, so only I can swear impetuously like that (laughing). What I mean by "twice-baked" is that it was formerly a van from another business and instead of painting the whole thing over, they spray painted over the OLD business name and added a stencil advertisement for the NEW business and Presto-change-o-rearrange-o "twice-baked" half-assed business fleet.



It's almost like when Bubba buys a Vacuum fixing business-to open up his tax preparin' office and decides to sub-let part of the shed to a taxidermist. What you gots there is an even rarer "thrice-baked" business operation!!

The business name on the building and stenciled to the singular "fleet" work-truckish thing would read:

Bubba Sucks-On duty IRS Agents-Stuffed Wildlife
..and sandwich shoppe by Betty

What??? Bubba's wife is an aspiring caterer,, she wants in on the business venture too!!

Well that was a marginally disturbing detour......

Back to the losing of my "Road Rage" virginity...

I have never been a very good driver. Truth is I suck at it. You can find out more about that HERE. With that being said I never screw around behind the wheel because I am already and idiot..

But yesterday, when Asswiper Jones pulled out in front of me at a 4-way and then ran me off the road TWICE because he was talking on his cell and looking at a map, I experienced road rage. I let the first two things go because I really didn't have time for stress, but the last infringement of the happy little dividing lines, grated my patience into anger cheese.

THE LINES ARE YOUR FRIENDS!!

I saw my opening a few hundred feet up, there was a Snowbird was "touring" the road in his hoopdie, and I was in the other lane. I could jut out and pass Asswiper and then block him, forcing him into going the Snowbird warp speed of 2MPH! It was wrong, I know. But I felt a little free accosting the air with my irreverent sexual innuendo and layering on the adjectives with reckless abandon (plus AC/DC was playing and it makes me feisty and all hard core rockerchicish)!!

I watched him squirm in my rear view a few moments before noticing something I hadn't taken the time to recognize before. He was a hot mess! I hate hottie Asswipers because it's much easier to be mean to an Asswiper if they are ugly. So I let up and got out of his damn way and prepared for the aftermath of his anger.

As he got up to my side he was screaming, as soon as he made eye contact he stopped and he worded with his perfect mouth "I'm sorry". I fell into a 13 year old girl boy crush mush concoction. When we got to the stop light, there was no one behind us, he rolled his window down and I followed suit. This is our conversation:

Manly-Man: "I'm sorry"

Geek-girl: "It's OK, me too" (geeky shrug, giggle, slight snort)

Manly-Man: "You have beautiful eyes!!" (charming wink and smile with that little "shine twinkle" on his magnificently white teeth)

Geek-girl's thought bubble: Say something cool, say something cool, for God's sake be normal and say something cool.....

Geek-girl: "Uh, Thanks" (giggle, sigh, giggle, swooooon)

Manly-man: "Don't tell your husband" (verbal nudge)

Geek-girl's thought bubble: Be suave, work this, you're NOT married. He's a gorgeous Asswiper in a twice-baked,,,, say something sophisti...DAMMIT... light change...

HONK-HONK-HOOOOONK

"I-I gotta go" (geeky shrug, point at light and two finger wave)

He turns left as I go straight and scream for effect:

"I'M SIIIIINGLE !!!" (making the "call me" hand sign)

The words echo in my lonely car that is now filled again with the heavenly light of sweetness I gained back from apologizing for having road rage, a super-deluxe halo that has dimmed because I was thinking naughty thoughts about Asswiper and the sting of Karma for being such a freaking geek.

I call for a do-over!

Sweet Nectar from the God's (formerly Asswiper Jones) if you are reading this, please stalk me, I'm kind of a big deal (cough).

14 Seducing Deductions:

Jeff said...

I don't drive a van..darn..but my SUV is my office sans the painted over business name and I do talk while driving (shameshame), and I flirt sometimes, but, I don't think it was your eyes that were looking at me when I made a left turn from the right hand lane :-)

Jim said...

He might contact you again if you'll stop calling him Asswiper. Just my theory, but . . .

I once hit on a bank teller at a drive-thru window . . . not really the best place to talk, but you do what you gotta do, sometimes.

XO

Mike said...

sheesh Seductress, The guy was cute but probably has a brain the size of a small peanut. After having hot monkey sex, you would have nothing in common (other than liking hot monkey sex).

The Invisible Seductress said...

Jeff-Laughing..probably not

Jim-I did...Sweet Nectar from the God's remember?? Too much you think?? hmmmm

Mike-Hot Monkey Sex,, Mmmmm..I mean uh yes, you are probably right...ahem

MJenks said...

So...if I'm ever single again...you're saying I should drive like a moron when I'm around cute girls?

Copyboy said...

You give new meaning to cruising.

Andrew Green said...

I used to get serious road rage when I was younger and living in a rural town....
One lane roads...passing was difficult...lots of old people...and everyone driving REALLY slow. It drove me insane sometimes.

The whole town must have hated me.

Midwestern Mama Holly said...

I'm with Mike. Dude was probably as dumb as a box of diapers. Used diapers at that!

Ca88andra said...

The older I get the more I'm tempted to do the whole road rage thing. I might not be the best of drivers, but really...! And ummm don't forget there's probably a reason he's single!

CityMom2 said...

oh seductress...you always make me smile!
to Mike - there is nuttin wrong with test driving a NBOB (non-battery operated boyfriend). I see no reason our seductress cannot have an intellectual companion and a "Skilled" companion. Provided of course that he lives up to the packaging.

Sweetie you saw the sign on the van...do a drive by,
citymom

Georgina Dollface said...

I LOL'd 3 times during this post! (Remember what I told you about my LOL's?) - G

Alice in Wonderland said...

LOL! Try going back to the same road, on the same day....just might bump (excuse the pun!) into him again!
One of those times when you wished you'd taken more notice of the sign to get the phone#. Doesn't it always happen when you least expect it....he's probably out there looking for you!

Thank you for commenting on my blog!

The Invisible Seductress said...

MJenks-Probably not, just weird girls like me...eeep

Copyboy-Cruising now at almost 40 sucks!!! :(

Andrew-I hate rodes like that!! I feel your pain I am in a town with a lot of slowpokes...grrr

Mama-You are probably right,,but he was cute and I enjoyed flirting a bit...sigh

Ca88andra-He may not be, he looked like a player..better off without that stress!!

CityMom-Oh to have guts..sigh....I'd stutter till he threw me out of the building.. ;}

Georgina-That comment cracked me up!!!! You're so funny,, I love it!!

Alice-Oh that's a nice thought him trying to find me!! I have a Pt Cruiser with 3 great big dolphins in the back window...Easy to find..laughing..Maybe that's a bad thing for road rage too...eeeep Love your blog, will be back!!!!!!

RawknRobynsGoneBlogWild said...

Oh, hon, I know I should support you in being perfectly fine with just driving off. I mean, I totally do. He's a jerk and crazy driver. Yeah, that's it. Damn, wish he didn't get away from you, though. You know, these incidents are what craigslist "missed connections" are for. No, no, no. It's all for the best. Then again..Argh! love ya! xoRobyn

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