Tuesday, August 3, 2010

HOLY HALIBUT!!! SHE FINALLY DID "IT"!!!!!!

I know what you're thinking...No, No, NO....I DO REALLY!!.. I am special that way. Electronically wired to feel the vibrations coming from the computer as you read my blog and we become one as poster and follower (sniffle, sniffle, that's just beautiful, it really is!!).

And when you read this post title I bet 85% would make the assumption that you know what the "IT" is that I finally did! You don't know "who" the "IT" was, but you know that I did "IT".

You might wonder "who" was #1 on my "TO DO" list. You might ponder what a person that has not had "IT" since 1902 would do with "IT" when she finally got "IT".

Another 12.5% of you also think you have the mystery of the "IT" figured out. You are assuming that I signed myself up for an extensive mascara and Green Olive rehab program and will be hanging out with Lindsey Lohan at UCL for 90 days. What? You didn't know THAT was her addiction? Oh, it's not, it's just that my dependency is SO severe, this is the only facility that will take me. No fear, as when I am there I will talk to the beautiful Lilo about using sunscreen and underwear etiquette and possibly get her to smuggle me in some cosmetic contraband.

2.4% of you think that I sold "Sandi". I finally broke down and whored her out for my addictions and life of excess.

.01% Of you can not be killed by Lysol (seems there is always that pesky .01% to deal with).

And finally, 1 out of 4 Doctors can care less what the hell I did.

Here are the results:

Sadly, because of a tear in the space time continuum, I did not have sex (Seductress is now pondering who should be at the top of her "TO DO" list, but because of her luck, she is thinking she will have to wait until the tear in the space time continuum is repaired completely -OR- her son graduates college, whichever comes first).

I have also have NOT been diagnosed with Green Olive or Mascara addiction (officially), although there has been some recommendations of self evaluation and whisperings of an A&E Intervention special.

SOLD SANDI!!?? This requires no response. This post would totally be sadder!!

And to the .01%... As Americans, we are trained not to be concerned with you so... la,, la,, la,, we can't see you!!!!......

So,, What The Halibut is it? Why would I waste your time with something trivial people?

THIS IS HA-UGE!!!!!!!

I am finally getting around to acknowledging the awards I have been given for being such a screwed up Fantabulous blogger chic (or so you have told me after I greased your palms with Benjamin's that have trace amounts of fecal matter on them,, you can give them back now if you would like)!!

So here we go...

Let us acknowledge...

"IT"

"Lame" Theme Park Ride Style!!


The tour guide Seductress steps on the "Invisible River Cruise" boat with her khaki hat and extreme knowledge of Animatronics. She smiles provocatively at the only man on the boat without a woman, even though he is 103 and has just turned off his hearing aid.

She starts her spill:

Sir, to your front you will notice The Invisible Seductress, and even though she is wearing an outfit suspiciously close to the Target uniform (that was actually stolen from Pizza Hut prior to the hijacking of this fictitious boat), you should still recognize that she still has nice knockers in polo type apparel. Sir, Sir, excuse me but there are other passengers that have already noticed, I'm going to move on.

Hands and feet in plain sight at all times people, we remember what happened on the log flume ride don't we??

Who's humming "It's a Small World"? It is disturbing the other guests. Thank you kindly for refraining.

Lets continue.

(water splashes on boat)

To your left you will notice one of our native Hippos. Hippos range in size from,,,,, Holy Shit are those Animatronic Piranha EATING our native Hippo????

The image “http://www.disneylies.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/2008/03/2008-0320_eaten_hippo.jpg” cannot be displayed, because it contains errors.

How unexpected, lets move on.

Ma'am please do not allow your son to throw slim jims at the fake hippo, he has enough problems!!

Finally to the stern side of this totally random use of words, is the main attraction!!

http://parlourmagazine.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/05/57500780sbitting5212009113333am.jpg

No,, THAT'S NOT IT!! That's just one of our River Cruise monkeys with a special "contraceptive" arm band.

(Seductress whispers)

...His species numbers are already too high.

But, Alas!!!! The main attraction is over there, to your right!!

(Seductress points proudly while flipping her hair back and re-glossing).


Those are awards for being a humble rock star blogger!! These awards were really appreciated by the Seductress and should have been shown off 2 years after the sex drought started in 1902, but weren't because she is tirelessly lazy and computerly tarded. And only NOW you can experience them in THEIR natural habitat, safe from the Animatronic Piranha (which totally should be spelled Pirahna but whatever)!!!

These treasures were given (in order of award on the page) by the following hot and perfectly tanned Tarzans:

(imagine there are links.....HERE)

RawkynRobyn at: "Life by Chocolate" who totally rocks my face off, but covers it with chocolate first!!

Kal at: "Cal's Canadian Cave of Cool" whose permanently on my list of people I must have SPAM and Crystal Light with (by candlelight)!!

Powdered Toast Man at: "Just the Cheese" who tirelessly reminds me how much I love breakfast food and a nice cheese platter, but also my lack intelligence because I screw up his trivia tests so bad!!

Sage at: "Welcome to Sageville", the sexy cowboy with one eye and a long rope.. (winks)

Savage from "Something Savage This Way Comes" the kilt rocking man of lyrical poetic sex.

And another blogger who is not blogging at the moment but was my first ever "blogger crush" (and HE loves my glitter!)

To all I scream a hearty thank you!!!!

I also want to do something a little different. I would love to take the time to acknowledge these folks for their great blogs as well as my regular commenter's. Please accept the following award!!

<span class=
TAKE IT!!
Place it on your blog (or not)---- -OR- blow it up and position it at your cleverly hidden "Seductress Tribute of Awesomesauceness" located in your closet or main hall!!

Your comments and blogs make me feel alive, they do, and that's better then dead by far!!!! They make me smile and offer advice to someone who does not have a lot of people around to get it from. It makes my day to know that you are reading and hopefully enjoying my weird tales.

So please STEAL IT and do with me it what you will, with no strings attached except the thanks of someone who thinks you rock and spent all damn day crafting it FOR YOU ... and likes Snickerdoodle cookies at Christmas time and mascara a 'lil bit.

This concludes the "Invisible River Cruise" please take the hand of the 103 year old man and any children not eaten by the Animatronic mosquito's and de-board my boat so I can get my drink on.

(Seductress turns mic off and trips whilst exiting the boat, ending up in the artificially toilet water blue tinted "Invisible River", which isn't all that bad because it is fictitious after all, you didn't think it was real did you?)





6 Seducing Deductions:

Powdered Toast Man said...

One of the animatronic hippos lunged at me. I would sue but I don't know what I am going to do with an invisible river boat.

You deserved that award. You are filled with awesomesauceness. An award for me? You shouldn't have. My mantle can't take any more awards, it's about to collapse. I am going to have to store them in the meat freezer from now on.

Sir Thomas said...

amazed...

why the fuck are you not writing for saturday night live or some other show... maybe sponge bob, or the family guy... that its...lol...

forget money and go to hollywood and the money will flow in... you are a natural writing


xooxoxxo

D. Scandal said...

Love you, love the blog, I enjoyed the riverboat tour :)

Midwestern Mama Holly said...

As always... GREATLY entertaining!

The Savage said...

Thanks, doll....

Southern Sage said...

I won?
I Won?
I Wonnnnnnnnnnn??????????????

OMG OMG
tytytytyty now you can send me naked pics!!!!

muah!

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