Tuesday, August 17, 2010

Farting Interlude

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I would like to take the time for an interlude to the "boys who hurt me" storyline. Seems appropriate to make it an unladylike interlude doesn't it? I am cool like that with my flashy relevant transition posts (jealous much?).

Now I personally don't fart, I ripple the air with my greatness instead, but I did crap a manatee one time (and I shared that with you people in an effort to totally sabotage my EVER having a date again in my lifetime, so far so good... sigh).

This morning I awoke to the rapid pfffffttting of Beagle-mix puppy farts. I have never experienced a rapid pffffftttting of Beagle-mix puppy farts have you? This experience was jolting to her as well. I know this because she got up, smelled the air, looked at me all offended like and left promptly.

This started me on a giggle jag that is still in progress as I type this post.

The dog I had before her was a master of the fart. He was old though, so each time he did fart it startled him. He would jump 50 feet in the air numerous times during the night when his farts attacked him. He also seemed to be allergic to his own butt funk air as he would start sneezing, which caused more farts as he exited the room, I just covered my head with the sheets and wondered about the metaphysical ambushing of the genetic codes responsible for hairy knuckles and ear hair (I am close to a break through).

I remember one time following a crotchety little old lady employee in a bookstore. I try to be very polite and respectful of people. She was fidgeting down the aisle looking for my requested books: "Sparkle Domination" and "The Mascara Chronicles" when it happened. The classic "uptight fart" maneuver. Her walk got lopsided and slowed, she looked for a diversion, but there was no time, a whistle fart had escaped the hallowed halls of funk. I felt sympathetic for her, truth is I was feeling a little air balloonish myself after having a big lunch. I had walked through the parking lot a little lopsided moments before. The whole thing was too much for me as I am a comedy junkie.

It was me or her, the fear was that if I restrained my laughter there could be a possibility that I myself might ripple the air with my greatness, the comic consequences were too severe, I may never stop laughing. I did what any good slapstick humor gal would do, I let out a belly laugh laughagasm. A phase 2 laughagasm. She was a bit shocked, but I could not resign to the muffling of my laughter and I had successfully staved off my own farts in the process.

She looked at me like a jaded Sunday School teacher and mentioned that it was a normal bodily function, I agreed with her but really wanted to let her know that she should never have tried to restrain it, because THAT was funny!!

And I went off to the ladies room to ripple.

Everybody has got a good fart story! What's yours?

Ever lay down a rapid fire fart line to save a friend?

Cough to try and muffle one on a date?

Blame your child for one?

Fart during an intimate moment?

Can you fart on command?

If you get nothing from this post (and I hope you didn't) just concede to this:

Farts are always funny people!!

AND

.... I will surely never get another date... ever....

Please enjoy this scientific demonstration of the heat mapping of flatulence:



The Invisible Seductress:
Providing the finest of high quality written entertainment since 2009

15 Seducing Deductions:

Sir Thomas said...

ok first of all you have to give me a few days to stop laughing.... she so thought you did it..... ok this might be a bit twisted.... omg you said rapid....*still laughing* oh please stop the tears.....

Sorry i have to take a time out...

mac said...

When I lived in Florida, I had a little old lady neighbor, about 80. I would do little favors for her (she was very nice).
Once, I grabbed my son to help me move a chair for her in her living room. Imagine a 10 year olld boy trying to supress laughter as the neighbor farted with every step.

My son poked me in the ribs (as if I didnt notice!) smiled.... I made it two feet out the door before my ass fell off from laughter ;-)

Jeff said...

HAHA...here sits a guy who has an app on his iphone called iFart. Surely we can make beautiful music (can you call the noise a fart makes music???) together :-)

D. Scandal said...

Hilarious! Farting is always funny. My sister's dog does that too, though, and it is hilarious! If ever he is around when someone else does he also sniffs disdainfully and moves across the room.

Animals can be hilarious!

Kai Phoenix said...

Hahaha that was hilarious and I have to say "ripple the air with my greatness" is the most amazing description of farting I have ever come across!

The Urban Cowboy said...

Cowboys don't fart... ;)

The Invisible Seductress said...

Sir- Are you still laughing- that is condusive to farting you know..buwahahahaha

Mac- Ahahaha....too funny!!

Jeff- I don't have that app..smiling..but it's so funny that you do!! What exactly does it offer?

D Scandal- Laughing.. I love it!! Cats would be like: so what of it!! See dogs are smarter!!

Kai- Smiling--you ripple too??? I feel vindicated!! And sexy in a weird way... urp

Urban- That kinda turned me on a lil...winks

Beryl said...

*shaking head*

someone actually went infrared with farts?

*snort*

though nowhere near the fart, of course.

FALEN AKA THUNDERCAT said...

lmfao! hilarious!! I farted so hard once I blew the lining out my thong :D

....oh and a tip...never fart wearing a white thong...you fuck them up and no amount of washing will get that stain out O.o

Georgina Dollface said...

I fart when I laugh out loud. I passed wind a couple of times reading this post. So now whenever I type an LOL in a comment to you, chances are I also just farted. I thought you should know, 'cuz I'm honest like that. - G

Midwestern Mama Holly said...

Ny theory on farts... if they dont pay rent...kick em out!
Let em rip and then blame your kids!

Powdered Toast Man said...

I hold in so many farts when my johnson gets a mouth hug.

JJ said...

ahh!! That was a nice one! :) Walking farts are always musical! Wet ones are dangerous because they can be WMD and wipe out a perfectly fine pair of undies. No laundry for you...file 13,pls!

The Invisible Seductress said...

Beryl-Infrared technology was wasted in the making of this post....wink

Thundercat-Noted..This should be a printed warning though. Thong tags should modified.. ;}

Georgina-Ya just made me fart outloud...ohmanohman.. ;}

Mama-Kicking them out is have the fun!!!

PTM-Now that sounds like a chore holding them in THEN..blush

JJ-Love the walking farts, they are my favorite of the fart species!! You know what they say, when you get older...NEVER trust a fart!!!

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