75 mph

I was going 75mph. Well, maybe I should rephrase that, my CAR was going 75mph and I just so happened to be the one inside it. Even dirty PT Cruisers with car seats and melted crayon spots have dreams. Mine was dreaming it was a 2010 Chevy Camaro-----slate blue with thick racing stripes caressing the hood-----super charged with dual exhaust and splashed with chrome.

It was gliding on a long strip of road smooth in the right spots and slightly hilly in others, primed perfectly to catch air like the General Lee. It's tires thick and meaty, rims expensive and it was lusted after, just like me (ha). It dreamt of a sound system temporarily devoid of Taylor Swift and Miley Cyrus. It craved a trip where owner and machine could blast the radio without fear of hurting little eardrums or serve up CD's that the evil was not "parentally advised" out of.

It was my duty to oblige, so I did.

I was driving 75mph when my PT Cruisers dream of freedom took over me.

I went back freely. Open to the memories of a time far gone.

I was 21 again, single and hot with no responsibilities. My dark hair was flying on the wind like gymnastic ribbons. My skirt was a little too short, my shirt, two buttons below proper, but I rocked it and did not care what you thought. My skin was light, my eyes dark and my lips, crimson, rivaling the hue of the deepest red roses. There was no schedule or written plan but I had 50 places I could choose from and my phone was ringing off the hook with prospective dates. With a purple Meucci as my co-pilot, I would stake out two pool halls, one for practice and one to really "play the game" in.

My stereo was old school rocking AC/DC- "The Girl's Got Rhythm" and "Squealer" rounding off with "Night Prowler" with some Metallica and Reaper thrown in for good measure. Beer was in the back, Vodka/juice in the front and I was the picture of youth and ignorance. Tunnel vision, tempting fate.

Anything structured would have looked bizarre in that lost moment.

Then I flew passed a broken down minivan. I saw the frazzled mom standing by the tow truck driver. I knew what I would be feeling if that were me, as it had been on many an occasion. How much would this cost? How will I pick up the kids? Why today? Why now? Why me? Tears of questions without concrete answers.

My head went back to family and reality emerged. As I took my foot off the accelerator the years layered on,,, 20's,,,,, 30's edging on the 40's and I looked in the rear view mirror of my newly transformed PT Cruiser and noticed: I feel even cooler than that 21 year old memory of a girl.

I've seen more. I live for more than "me" and the next "hot spot". I've nurtured and am raising humans that have good hearts and sweet souls. I have made a difference somewhere in this world. Someone has looked at me and been thankful I was there at that very moment. I have cried my weight in tears and laughed out loud too many times to count. I have given my heart freely to someone, and when he gave it back broken, I nursed it back to health -and- I AM NOT AFRAID TO RE-GIFT IT!!!!!

I have more to see-----more souls to touch---- transitions to experience---- and I couldn't face that or even imagine doing that back then----- I didn't know how----- but now I do---- and I am thankful.

So now my car is a PT Cruiser again, cherishing each crayon melted art piece.

And as for me:

I am still that mildly wild rocker chic with an always primed Meucci,,,,,, just with a better agenda and some pretty hot smile lines to show off!!

But,,,,,,, I am STILL not happy about Miley Cyrus being in my CD player.....

Pipe

In the hunt to find a sparring partner I had went on some dating sites and flexed my seduction muscles. It hurt, it ached,, those are muscles I hadn't flexed in a while and popping in with no "warm up" was not an intelligent decision. Still, with me being easily amused, it seemed I had found an activity that was entertaining (even if it is only to scream out "WTF--did he jus...what an IMBECILE!!!!!!" every once in a while).

I knew I would not hurt any one's feelings or play games with them (unless they initiated and my brain would explode if I didn't make a move and I could use Circus Peanuts or Olives -OR BOTH!!!) so I proceeded with caution and pilfered through.

I have been man less a good long while and the waves of loneliness are pounding and cruel, but that does not mean I am ready for the crystal clear flat waters of "Settling Lake" (which sounds like a horror story doesn't it?). But going man less has it's highs and lows, at least my 4 year old son leaves the toilet seat up for me to fall in at night,, so,, it does feel like an inconsiderate man is here sometimes!!!

I got a good number of hits and some seemed decent so I contacted them back and cautiously started correspondence with the devils of dating. A few were nice, in a droll Mr. Whipple way. Others were deviled ham psycho, complete with the scowl. But all were just a bit different from profile and chatting escapades, and that's OK, I was still meeting people and having fun.

And I did meet some really really nice people too, just nothing fit (it's not you, it's me). And it got tiring. So I withdrew graciously.

BUT........

Months ago I wrote about a problem I was having. Men were sending me pictures of their nether regions without any solicitation or expressed interest on my part. And none of them were impressive (that wasn't the point, but had to be added so that you are properly informed). I was a bit offended but took the liberty to torture them with less than favorable but always hilarious responses (entertainment in my world comes cheap).

Last night as I was sleeping angelically, I heard my picture message alert. Great,,,,it was 3AM no good can come of a picture sent at 3AM!

But,,,,,, I WAS being thought of!!! GOODY!!!!

And there I had it......PIPE.......from the past....PAST PIPE....pipe I had already dismissed for sending me pipe pictures before.....

I now held in my palms........another..........NON-IMPRESSIVE PAST PIPE PICTURE...........which is even worse then PRESENT PIPE PICTURES.........(pipe down people).

Slapping hand to forehead....why???? just WHY???????? I don't think I will ever understand this concept.

Criminey!!!!

I miss Mr. Whipple and the deviled ham guy.....at least they had marketable qualities!!!


He was such a good squeezer!!


Spam got in the way,,sniffle.

******Remember this is "ask me ANYTHING" weekend..so Ask me.....anything.........I have so much knowledge to give and no one to bestow it upon...Please,,,,, come into my BOSOM- AND ASK!!!!!!!********

Oh yea,, I forgot to post how I answered this particular picture text and then I thought: "How would my blog family answer it???" Hmmmmm ?? How would you have addressed this one??

You can see examples of my work on a blog called "I'm having issues-egads man!!!" on Dec. 4.
I don't know how to link it because I am moderately retarded (love me).

I texted him this: Thank you for having your Mother send me a shot of you as a toddler,,,soooo cute!! Next time let her know she should really wait till the morning.

...not my best work...but..a point is given I think....

Don't read this-it's boring

Been thinking a lot about what I really want to do right now. It is consuming me. I am coming from a career of 21 years behind a desk, prim and proper, with a professional air. It suited me-- or so I thought. I am in fact still in pursuit of that job where I am looked upon as the intelligent go getter with the killer looks (yup-just added that right in,, don't laugh,, it was a self pity thing- it's a bad hair day--gimme a break--just nod and agree,, yes,, the KILLER LOOKS,, OK,, I am better now!).

But I find myself becoming less and less interested in those politics and more suited to pursue the creative nature I have. No there won't be huge-ass sculptures of Circus Peanuts and Green Olive sexual hook-ups or paintings with Walmart greeters as my muse. But I am talking about being more closely in tune with who I am as a person. I can be a cut-throat salesperson, but do I LIKE that trait? I can say what THEY want to hear, but does that make me proud? I am trying to tell my kids that they can be ANYTHING they want but maybe I don't believe that I can actually achieve that.

It does not help that there are no jobs out there that are not straight commission type positions. Sure if I had back up income I would hop right over and do that,,, but I don't. It's just me and my awesomeness. And my mascara addiction.

I think what is going to happen is an in-between job that I hate. And I will make the best of it until I don't have to. Isn't that what 95% of us do ANYWAY???? Why am I thinking I am an exception? So now........

I say to myself.........it's time to:

SUCK IT UP NANCY!!!!!!

......and in the mean time try soooooo hard not to get all pierced, tattoo'd and purple haired....sigh.....I hate being responsible!!!



Please enjoy this picture of a Green Olive and Peanut Butter sandwich:

Concert

The stage was set. The crowd was in place reverberating their excitement with a grumbled roar. Lights were being focused on the performance marks and the final sound check had begun.

.....testing 1,,,,2,,,,,3.....testing...sound check mic 1......tap,,,tap,,,tap,,,,complete

I was backstage awaiting my cue and preparing myself for the beams of light and nervousness I always felt before each show. It was my time to shine and I presented myself in show man's form with open arms to my audience: the bathroom fixtures, shampoo bottles and towels.

My shower concert had begun.

"Every tiiiiime I loooooook in the mirrorrrrrrrr,,,, alllll these liiiines on my face gettin' clearerrrrrrrrrrrr,,(dramatic pause),,the past is goooooooooone,,, iiiiiiiiit went byyyyy like-dusk-to-dawn....Isn't that the waaaaay??? Everybody's got their dues in life to pa-aaaaaay--DREAM ON, DREAM ON, (Tyler scream) aaaaaagggghhhhhhh--"

"MOM,,,,MOM!!!!!!! MOM",,(pound,, pound),,, "MOMMY, I NEED YOU ASK SUMTHIN' !!!!!!!!" Traxx screams interrupting my flow.

I stop suddenly and apologize to the audience for the interruption of such a glorious performance....

"What could you possibly need, Ev?"

"Do we need baking soda?" he says glaring at me.

"A baking soda's for the fridge-a-mator" he asks next with angelic flair.

"No" I say pondering my current baking soda situation carefully.

"We really don't"

Close stage curtain..........

Sing with me, sing for the year,
sing for the laughter, sing for the tear's,
sing with me, if it's just for today!
Maybe tomorrow the good Lord will take you awaaaaaaaay......

The Vixen and The Chihuahua

The following stories are true.
Only the names have been changed to protect the innocent.

My bestest friend has always been a little wild. Hell, scratch that--my best friend has always been Hella wild! I came from such a strict background that I gravitated to her. The freedom and spark she showed was something I was lacking.

I transferred to a secular high school in the 10th grade. I came from a small Christian school where everyone was family, I was always in the top class and we ran the school. I was a little bit of a trouble maker and at least in my mind was "cool".

The first day of high school with 300 plus kids was terrifying! I don't think I talked for a semester. No one knew me and I was petrified. Three months into the year my "cute" button down skirt unbuttoned down at a very bad time, I stood exposed in the hallway. Now at least a few people knew who I was (Yippee for accidental nudity)!! My brother fit in well and adjusted to the change swimmingly. I felt I had lost my identity and was too scared to forge a new one. Until..... I met Vixen (insert ominous music here).

I met Vixen in a vocational Graphic Arts class, she was from a rival High School. My first image of her was her leaning over a light table with 5 guys looking at her ass. My hero! Vixen was hot. She had long dark hair and searing blue eyes. And Vixen knew how to control boys. She had one from each class eating out of her hands and legions of long haired followers. I was sugary sweet next to her but took in every side glance and lingering stroll she made in an attempt to hijack her sensuality. I had a lot of first experiences with Vixen. Lost my AC/DC virginity with her and I drank and smoked happy plant for the first time under her un-watchful eye.

She was a pro at "calm and cool" while I was a jittery mess. Her parents were very open to us having a life and gave her freedom I never had. We still got caught quite a few times in questionable situations. One more notable time was when we were drunk at Alex's restaurant after sneaking out and realized her mom was three booths up. Hmmmmmmm, crap!!!!

Operation "Ditch the waffles" was poorly orchestrated.

Close to graduation there was an off campus school function. This was her school's senior celebration type dance. We were trashed. There were poles. And there was dancing. And there was pole dancing by Vixen. And the Chihuahua tried to mirror this. I think one leg was wrapped around the pole for two seconds before I fell on my face. The school officials took us out by the scruff of our necks to thunderous wolf calls and applause. She stood up proud and tall while I slouched and covered my face like a hooker in a "cops" episode.

I had only been in trouble at my school one other time. I was on the bus with my Graphic Arts supply kit complete with rubber cement. A piece of the bus trim fell off and I jokingly pulled my glue out pretending to fix it. A hot boy took the glue and sniffed it. I laughed.......he passed it back......we sniffed together.

.........I was deemed to be the ring leader of an elite underground glue sniffing ring!!!!

SERIOUSLY...........It went down like THAT!!!!

I was called in with all the principals and school DEA for interrogation. I was pissed because it was SO off base and actually verbally stood up to them a bit. I did not like the feeling of not having my shiny halo. My rep was tarnished unfairly. But it helped my social life and people actually knew who I was after words. So now I had something to live up to. I needed to hone my "bad girl" skills and knew EXACTLY who to mimic...........VIXEN.

When the news of the pole dancing got to my school I was called in again to explain my behavior. Once again it was thrown WAY out of proportion. Vixen and I were threatened with not being able to graduate. I was exonerated because it was not my school and no one had witnessed the crime, but she battled to graduate.

I was once again sitting in the office surrounded by scowls. The first thing my principal said was: "So, you get cheap highs off of dancing like a stripper and sniffing glue????" PERFECT!!!

The Seductress was voted

"Most likely to get blamed for something she did not do"......

.....Well,,,,, I was ALMOST a bad-ass!!!!

Bowing,,, form a line,,,, autographs are 1$!!!

Please enjoy this picture of Rubber Cement:

SNIFF IT!!!!! I SAID SNIFF IT!!!!!

Rock Diaries part 1--and ANSWERS!!!!!

Yes, I am a music freak!! I am open about that because it is just who I am. Music fuels me in a way few other things do. I was raised in a Christian home and not able to listen to secular music growing up, but you find ways.

I searched out dark rock bands like Grim Reaper and Queensryche ("Operation Mindcrime" is still in my opinion one of the best albums EVER.. No one can sing like Geoff Tate) I fed on AC/DC and Metallica whenever I could. I always had an AC/DC t-shirt on under my pretty and prim school clothes I was forced to wear.

When hair bands and glam rock became popular I deviated a bit from the hard core (because they had better make up!) and bands like Winger, Poison and Great White ruled my Psyche.

This is the second time I have seen Great White, the last time I was more age appropriate (wink). Nothing can bring you back like Great White's hits "Rock Me" and "Save All Your Love" and of course "Once Bitten Twice Shy" (what respectable rocker chic DIDN'T want to be that chic on the tour bus,,, blush).

Those songs STILL went right through me last night and there, at age 39 standing behind stage (we knew band members so we had access, yay us!!) I felt young again (and strangely naughty). I was the old lady in a tight skirt having to go UNDER the bars like a bad limbo scene instead of over like the jeans wearers, but I got lots of "help" and compliments on the maneuver so it was OK,, until today when I feel like I spent the night in a cement truck.

There is a thrill to the rock scene. When a lead singer (to an opening band) came down during a guitar interlude and walked straight over to me to tell me how cute I was and hug me, I must say it felt nice (scary groupie thoughts entered). When it happened a few more times,, it just felt skeeeeevvy...smiling.

I will share the going ons of the day in another blog. Me and CrimeScene had an interesting time to say the least. I was fierce in my protection role. And there is Monchichi (her weird looking band boy crush) news that is hilarious to say the least.

My rocker chic eyes:


..lots of sparkles...I heart sparkles!!


Our friends "Core" playing


Great White-----Oh the memories-----Gotta love 80's Hair bands!!



But hark,,,,,,, I have a few questions to answer from my Saturday post..

Wanna hear them?? Of course you do!! Here I go:

Mac asked:

WTF?

Well Mac this is certainly a good question however it is missing the Subjunctive phrase, for example:

WTF are YOU doing??

or

WTF is WRONG with you??

So I can only assume you forgot to write the Subjunctive phrase and your question to me was supposed to be:

WTF is someone so beautiful and intelligent doing in Ocala when you should be rich and famous in a Hollywood mansion?

A: Mac, I gave my big movie roles to Angelina Jolie because she was feeling a little negative about herself and her body image was diminishing (I introduced her to Brad AFTER our fling, me and Jen still don't talk). And then decided I like the simple life of raising hellions and getting to be one on the side every few months (wanna see my "Kiss me I'ma MILF" tattoo??? laughing hysterically). Also not having enough money to survive is more challenging and makes me feel "ALIVE" so I gave everything to charity and now live as one of the commoners here in the land of few teeth.

RawkinRobyn asks:

If you could be an animal which one would you be and why?

A: Well Robyn I think being a wolf mutant is pretty trendy right now, but since I am not a trendy type gal I must say that being a platypus intrigues me. They are the transformers of nature and can multi-task in any given situation. They also have a distinct quirkiness that I have trademarked in my everyday life and are ALL stand-up comedians (bet you didn't know that,, this blog really is an educational outlet isn't it??). If you ever get the chance to go to one of their comedy shows,, sit in the back,, the first three rows are splash zones!

Jan asks: How much sleep do you routinely get?

A: I am sleeping now, I will answer when I wake up, I am also blow drying my hair in the bathtub after having just being caught by my grade school principal running with scissors while eating copious amounts of paste and ogling Jack Lemmon who is wearing fruit on his head and was the janitor, but this may all be a dream. A very bizarre dream. The Walmart greeter just showed up! I gotta go!


........any thing else you guys would like to know???????

Funny meeting YOU here!!!

Today I dyed my hair a little bit redder. As the dye fell to the shower floor and swirled around the drain I went to my "Psycho shower scene place" as I always do in that situation. I had yet to actually follow through with the acting out of this scene but today was not an ordinary day.

The "blood" mingled between my toes and I let out my best "psycho" scream. This is not smart when there are children in the house but mine know to expect the unexpected and were laughing as they ran in.

Me,, only I was cuter....wink,,,giggle,,snort

"I was acting out a scene in from a horror movie" I explained to them. "Scream queens have to have a convincing "signature" scream, that was mine." I said smiling.

"Well you laughed after it so that kind ruined it" MsDebate pointed out, and you ARE a little weird mom".

She is right ya know. I don't live by everyone else's rules. I kinda take the little "normal" things and turn them into little "fun" things. I don't know any other way to traverse this depressing life BUT to try and make every moment special in some way. If that makes me "weird", I am OK with that.

It's fun going places and smiling at everyone. Most people smile back, but there are those who just stare at you like you spit on them. I am not sure why they act soooo surprised when I DO spit on them (shrugging shoulders). I guess they hate their life or something. How could you look at someone in a negative way when they are just trying to be sweet to you?

My son is an entertainer. He rocks a fauxhawk and huge brown smiling eyes wherever we go. He is the one that screams "Rock on ladies!!" and shoots the hand sign when he sees a group of girls. He also runs up and tries to open doors for women (seldom being quick and successful because doors are freaking heavy). Most people love this because of the sweet nature behind it. But some people are in such a hurry that this irritates them and they grumble at him. In rare occasions some have even tried to push him away. So I quickly intervene and with a some what agitated voice say: "He is learning to open the door out of respect for a lady, I am sorry this irritated you, most LADIES appreciate it". Traxx doesn't pick up on their irritation and usually smiles and says "Thank you", which adds to the levity of a lesson THEY SHOULD take the time to learn,, but won't.

Today try and make a point of complimenting 10 people. Hair, clothes, smile, children, car, whatever just say something nice to them.

You'd be surprised how much that could really mean to someone having a crappy day, and surprised how good it will make you feel.

On another note... I want to ask a favor of you all. I want to start a question and answer series here on the weekends. Any random question you want an unconventional answer on just ask. Advice or whatever....Just ask....anything...............

Here are a few I have been asked recently:

Q: Were you dropped on your head as a baby?

A: Well thank you for asking. I, to my knowledge, was not dropped on my head as a baby. I did however have an older brother who put me in the dryer as a toddler and turned it on. As my head thumped continuously on the walls of the basin he nicknamed me "boom-boom head".

Q: Why didn't therapy help you?

A: Great question! I am assuming it didn't help because I sleep with my therapists and then CHARGE them for the services rendered (of course this is not true---the REAL reason it didn't help is between them and me and their lack of educational preparedness for my case, it's not ME it's THEM!!)

Q: Solve the mystery.....Circus Peanuts or Green Olives on a deserted island.

A: Brendan Frasier

See,,, that WAS a good answer (You're welcome!)!!!!!


I await your pondering's to life's greatest questions with baited breath and a lack of any actual life of my own...sigh.......until then........

Please enjoy this picture of two camels in a tiny car:


"Ooooh baby,,,, is that booty a mirage? Cause it sure looks
like a loooove oasis to me!!!!

Scraped knees and laughter

Yesterday I picked up the girls after school and had some errands to run. I had been neglecting to take the car in even after it had been shaking for a few weeks. On the way to the store the vibrations got very severe and I pulled over to the closest garage. After assessing the vehicle I was given an estimate and a "You were lucky you came in when you did!". I was shown the damage and was shocked at my stupidity of ignoring the situation for so long. Money is so tight right now. I just cringed when I thought of being ripped off at a garage, so I let it be.

I WAS ripped off at the garage,, and I AM cringing,, but I had no choice but to pay without any second opinions (part of that whole being an adult thingy that I have been grappling with, sigh). And needless to say the kids and I were stranded in the middle of nowhere for an extended period of time.

It was a beautiful day yesterday, a little windy but still nice, so we decided to walk to a gas station to get a soda. It was quite the little trek and we all walked hand in hand as I listened to the goings on of school days and disciplined the little bickering between sisters about inconsequential things. And there was talk of boys. Lots of talk of boys.

Traxx walked sandwiched between his sisters happily singing and skipping with no cares. He tripped 3 times scraping little toddler knees each time. As his sisters and I fawned over him he looked up each time and said "We still will walk and talk, lets go!". There were no alligator tears shed and no "carry me" fits. He was obviously enjoying the calm pace of the day and swirly conversation with his family and was not going to let a little injury stop the fun.

We got our drinks, them opting for "bug juice" (which I NEVER let them have!!!) and me a water and then spoiling them each with a jumbo "laffy taffy".

Wanna hear our wrapper jokes??? Of course you do!! Here I go:

What did one casket say to the other casket???

....that you coffin????

and

What do you call lassie when he is sad?

....a melancholy!!!!!

and

What did the hat rack say to the hat??

....you go on a head,, I'll stay here!!!

you're welcome...

As we walked back to the garage we decided to stop and sit at the worker's picnic table to wait. There was a busy road beside us and the kids started to try and make the truckers honk as they passed by turning it into quite the game. They then decided EVERY CAR was fair game and were all screaming while making the universally known "trucker honk" arm motions. The honks were few and far between but it was Christmas morning each time one rang out. Traxx was screaming "pump-a ya horns,, pump-a ya horns!!" and we all just laughed and carried on together.

When the car was taken off the lifts and dropped to the ground the kids got excited to go, but the mechanic needed to take the car for a test drive. The girls didn't understand this and MsDebate looked at me in shock and screamed "Mom!!!!! He just JACKED our car!!!" as he drove out of the parking lot. I explained the situation, got everyone calmed down and went inside to pay.

What's the moral of this story you ask....There isn't one really except there is..

How did I forget how fun just hanging out with the kids on a bright sunny day with no plans is? Why do I always have to have a plan? The best moments are unplanned and not orchestrated. And even in a crappy situation like this, I got to laugh and spend quality time with a bunch of crazy little mini-me's and a mechanic named Darrow (huh??) who kept sneaking over to tell me things "about the car" while winking a lot and making sure I knew he was single.

..........and as weird as it sounds,,, I kinda needed a day like that (just not the $300 bill that went along with it)!!

Butterfly and Caterpillar dreams

Well, it was bound to happen. I braved a world I had never imagined I would. There were nervous twitches as I entered the sanctuary. Everyone took in a collective breath as they marveled at the sight I had bestowed upon them and the duty they had been called upon to undertake. I make no excuses for their nervousness. The task at hand WAS daunting and I, less than positive about the outcome. But I had to have faith and trust in a higher power.

It was time for me to "up the ante" on underwear. I had stumbled into a Victoria’s Secret with the goal------NAY---a lifelong dream of finding a GOOD supportive cleavage enhancing over the shoulder boulder holder device. I wanted to rival CrimeScene’s cleavage this weekend. I have boobs people,,,,, fear me (laughing)!

Wanna hear about it?? Of course you do!! Here I go:

She circled around the racks with a deftness that was obvious. I watched her blond hair dot the atmosphere with a supercalifragilisticexpialidocious sassy fake-ness. Her make-up was harsh and unyielding, eyes uninterested and cold, but she was smiling for me, a really big "I need commission" smile. I was touched that she looked at this poor girl with a perfect rack and no VS experience as her target. I enjoyed the bulls eye's on my chest and relished in the attention of the under whelmed and inattentive.

The area was alive with the fluttering of large butterflies playing freely on air hangers. The color and motion be-stilled me for a moment as I took in all the lacy goodness. There were too many demi and push-up species to count - all with matching caterpillar strips for bottoms and the insurance of full undie coordination.

She measured me with a soft touch and a glint of "I hate my job" and brought in my first butterfly victims. I was awestruck at the lack of fabric and substance of the bras deemed "the best" by everyone. If I were to re-mortgage my home for this purchase we would have to do better than THIS!! My boobs stared up at me with a longing of the finer life. I could not let them down, they needed support now more than ever!! I caressed them softly and ... (uh,, er,, no I didn’t,, geeze this is a family blog,, get over it!) I told them to shut up or we're going to Family Dollar!!!!! I was in charge today!!!

A few more samples were retrieved and I was informed that I would receive a “FREE” pantie with each bra purchase. I tried to remain calm: It was easy to curb my enthusiasm.

But alas!!!!!!!!!

I did find worthy entrapment devices....And I DID purchase them, thrilled more at my fancy pink striped bag with matching paper lining than the free underwear. I was thrifty! 10 payments of $19.99 and the undergarments would be MINE----all MINE!!!!! (Evil laugh while stroking bald cat---COME ON!!!!!!!! REALLY?????.........It was an Austin Powers/Dr. Evil reference,, don’t make me come back there!! Where IS your mind today?? I am a little disappointed in you!!)

So yes, I paid a lot of money for underwear that does not cover ANYTHING and bras that don’t hold ANYTHING in!!! And I didn’t sleep all night over the thought of spending THAT much on a them....

And since I am a little embarrassed to take them back and face “her”, I will probably drive an hour to take them back to the other store. Rocket science at it’s best.

......I know,,,, but Do you think there is a guidebook for me??

Great at least there is hope!!! But what if it does not work? What then?


......well if Dogbert says he can help, there MUST be hope!! How long will it take?

......but wait!!! Isn't that the symbol for INFINITY????????? Will I at least get laid in the process???

....REALLY?????? Will I at least get laid while I am being DE-MORONIZED?????


....but WAIT.....YOU TOLD ME TO ASK AGAIN!!!!!!!!!!

....well, I hadn't ever CONSIDERED that option..hmmmm..What now Eight Ball?????

....I KNEW IT!!!! It all comes back to Circus Peanuts......sigh......

What I want to be when I grow up.....

Shush,,, I still have a few years to decide don't I?? Well maybe not but I'll tell you what I DON"T want to be--miserable again. I know I don't really have a choice and will take what offer hits me (because I am responsible like that,,, shush again,, no one knows about the Invisible Seductress side BUT YOU!!).

I been thinking about becoming an Alpaca farmer. Staying up late and watching TV has prompted me to fall in love with the little spitters! Staying up has also made me want a "Slap-chop and a Gratey" but only because I would like to say "Kids fetch the SLAP-CHOP!!! Momma's cooking,, and while your at it,,, grab the GRATEY!!! Let's have FRESH CHEEEEEEEEEESE!!"

See, now don't you just wish you were my kid (shush x 3!!! I can hear you thanking Halibut you're not my kid,, geesh ,, I thought you loved me :( ... )???!!!

Now get out the vacuum sealy-thing-a-ma-bob and let's go un-clutter our closets!!

So back to the Alpaca farm. The only reason I really want one is because they remind me of funny cool people and who wouldn't want a farm full of funny partay-partay Alpaca people??

YOUR RED-NECK UNCLE EUSTICE
"No,,, I totally agree, wax "Bubba" teeth ARE hurtful"

THAT GUY WHO'S ALWAYS HIGH
"Cheese curls,,,,has anyone
seen the Cheese CURLS?"

NOISY NEIGHBOR, GRETTA

"There's an awful lot of Green Olive jars in your
trash this week deary, anything wrong??"

THE CHEERLEADERS
"Like OMG!!!!!!!! He TOTALLY
got SHEARED faced last night!!!!!

Sorry, that's a Llama not an Alpaca!
(It's hard to tell with the hair and all...)

GUY WHO PASSED OUT FIRST (again)
"Damn it DUDE,, Really?????"

Jiminey Crickets!!! That seems cruel!

Ooooh,,,Okieeee Dokieeee....
......I GET IT!! I GET IT!!!

BUT WAIT!!!

I'm talking about Alpaca's NOT Llama's
-and-
Alpaca's are ALWAYS NICE!!!

Maybe I'll look into raising sweet bullfrogs instead.....

Maybe not...Loan Officer it is.......

Ceilings

I have a lot of decisions to make in a really short time. Not like "paper or plastic" decisions or "would you LIKE fries with that" questions (we all would LIKE fries,, BUT its not healthy, so there). But the kind of decisions I could really screw up.

I hate staring at the ceiling at night with my head in overdrive. At some point I get wrapped up in how much I hate popcorn ceilings and why the hell did anyone EVER think they were attractive and I really need to scrape it off but that involves tarps and tarps are aggravating and then if I do this room I really should do the rest of the house and I really need a Jello or maybe a beer or 6 and some olives, I love olives and sex, I need sex, wonder what sex feels like in Jello with olives, giggle, but damn its 4am and I gotta get up in 2 hours and act like I slept and am rested and calm, man I hope we still have GREEN Jello, I love green Jello,,, with pineapple..I am sure we are out of pineapple,,,,,, I may never get laid,,, but,, I CAN BUY PINEAPPLE for my damn Jello!!!!!,,,.hmmpf........

......well see....you get the point.....me staring at a ceiling trying to "think" turns into a mental run-on sentence and makes NO progress at all (except maybe a small grocery list).

A meeting of the minds at my house would not work either.

This is us sitting around the table:

Clink, clink clink... I call this meeting to order..

DramaGirl: How looooong is thiiiiis gonnnnnna beeeeeeeeee (womp)...... head hits table.

Traxx: This meetings got ISSUES!!

MsDebate: ......asleep.........(cause that apparently is what they do at this age, well, that AND EAT!)

Me: Meeting concluded!!!! (swigging my grape juice,,,,,,,Yes, I DID provide snacks to make it an authentic meeting, it’s all in the details people!)

I used to be able to talk to my dog. He would sit right beside me with his paw on my lap transfixed with every word spoken. Nothing really got accomplished there either but it was sure nice having someone’s full attention who would love you no matter how bad you were about to screw up.

My friends all come to me for advice. I listen and render back sage snippits of information that always seems to work for them. But when it comes to my own situations, lately I am at a loss. A loss with a shortening time line that will effect me in a BIG way.

So I suggest a blog friend party at my place. Say 8ish on Friday. Bring your thinking caps and footed jammies...I love footed jammies, they’re just so warm and cozy like a snuggie or a hot dog bun for people, mmmm hot dogs wonder what’s in ‘em. Can’t be as bad as they say, bet beef jerky is worse, I still love beef jerky, reminds me of my ex- well the jerky part not the "beef" part sadly! I’m craving cream of wheat now.......dang it.....I need help people!!!!!

But,,,if ya’ll can’t make it and......

…you happen to see me standing on the side of the interstate with a cardboard sign…and you wish to assist me…please do the following:

Drive directly to Walgreen’s and get me the newest, blackest, most fluffiest lash creating mascara on the shelf and a medium sized jar of Green Olives-----I will really want to keep things as "normal" as possible!


Please enjoy this video of a baby polar bear with soft enchanting Russian music:

Mattress craters and stink!

It took a few hours. I scrubbed and washed until I saw the woman BENEATH the residue of "MOMMY wipe me's!!!!" and the "What did you just EAT off the floor??!!" type activity. Truth be known, I like my grimy "mommy" layers, A LOT,, but today I knew I NEEDED to shed them for a few hours so that they would sparkle just a tad brighter and look renewed in the morning.

I wanted to have adult conversation at a table in a restaurant where the menu isn't plastered on the wall and decorated with miscellaneous clown parts. There would be no dipping a napkin in ice water and holding squirmy cheeks for cleaning. No whines from the eldest on how embarrassing it is that she STILL has to eat off the kids menu (which I do too-when they let me-geesh). No broken "tween" hearts or vocally lifted demonstrations about being the ONLY kid WITHOUT a cell phone, like TOTALLY,,,, OMG!!!!!.

So when my single friend's mom offered to watch Traxx for me so we could go out, I did a mental back flip. I then began the prep work of readying myself physically and mentally for the evening.

I am a little sad that it has come to this, me trying to talk myself into being normal, but it is my existence and I heart it.

Here is the checklist:

HAIR: Big with the perfect amount of wild flips

EYES: Sparkle 2 shimmer ratio, dead on

ROCKER CHIC ACCESSORIES: Rockery

HEELS: Moderately high

SKIRT: Conservatively short

ATTITUDE: Chihuahua-ish------yup-----a shaking and peeing Chihuahua (not really peeing but you get the comparison right?)...but STILL CUTE!!!! (laughing and hoping that's true).

I wasn't ready but I needed to be. I was going out with CrimeScene and needed all my wits about me. My seasoned readers may remember CrimeScene from previous posts. Newer readers should read "He gleeked on me!" from the October archives to better understand the dynamics at hand.

This is an illustration of EVERY picture
we have EVER taken together
(and NO we are not topless!!)

She is gorg. Tall and blond, the polar opposite from me: dark and short (well, THAT certainly sounded unflattering for me!) Notice how much taller she actually is. Because of this great difference in latitudinal adjustment, my head is exactly AT her boob level AND is almost the same size as a singular boob. This is disturbing for many reasons. One being that when she is next to me I never can tell if it's my lovely make-up that is getting admired adoringly or a rampant case of "boob scope-age" ....(or in rarer cases a "crazy" eye issue comes up and in that instance NO ONE knows exactly WHAT is being looked at so it doesn't really matter).

Men use an eye- to- eye convo with me as a clever way to disguise the rude CrimeScene cleavage gawking. Conversely, if they are looking at MY boobs it is very obvious because their heads are pointed directly to the ground, BUSTED.... (Big chested "almost dwarf" girls have issues no one would ever think of, it's sad really)....Or maybe men just look down when they talk to me (overwhelmed by my beauty and charm,, obviously), in that case it's just weird. These are my burdens to traverse in life. Pity me.

Nothing that happened was CrimeScene's fault (this time). And since she reads my blog religiously I must send her a you're a diva wink and hug before continuing.

We had been having a conversation about an ex of hers. The conversation gravitated to an intimate encounter with him that went bad because of ass funkage, really bad ass funkage!! This humored me to no end because of the detail and nastiness of the conversation and because I appreciate sophomoric humor (being in the bathroom at the time only accentuated the humor factor). The talk even delved into an ex of mine who had foot smell issues. It was a deeply moving, bonding moment between two friends in separate stalls of a dive bar bathroom (Hallmark called and is recreating it in movie form).

I then found out her ex would definitely be there and I pondered the chances of looking at him and NOT breaking out in a masterfully choreographed ass stink dance, I conclude the chances are slim. But even more troubling was the fact that he was not "over" her yet. Also adding fuel to the fire is that she has a little thing for another guy (that I think looks like a mutant Moncchichi) and HE would be there too. GREAT,, not even an hour into the night and there is already CrimeScene drama!!!! Things did not look good for the home team (I am the home team people----pay attention! ;} ).

Hot stuff!!!


Anyway,, ass boy started wandering around us like a puppy and CrimeScene was trying to be cold to him. I was OK with that because it temporarily made him leave and the ass visuals and urge to twitch briefly subsided. But when she had a bit too much to drink and ANOTHER loser was taking advantage of this state, I had to take action and turn into "The Cock Blocker" (which always negates ANY possibility of having a calm night of fun with a girlfriend). YEAH ME!!

Note: I don't really like the words "cock blocker" so I will change them a bit as we go on.

This new guy, although handsome, was an OBVIOUS player. He was playing with another girl BEFORE her then was trying to play with me BESIDE her and then back to the OTHER girl when she was not looking, just a bad guy. And as the "Sausage Shirker" (ha) I knew I had to separate the two of them, but,,, I had also had a few vodka infused inhibitors and chose to make a restroom run first.

While in the bathroom, the make up tutorial requests from the other restroom patrons started and I lost track of time explaining my life altering sparkle strategy. And that made me happy for the moment.

But,,,,,,

I had to return to the task at hand (sigh) and on the way back to "Serpent Slay" for CrimeScene, ass boy walked up to me. I find out ass boy thinks I'm purrrty (an obvious make CrimeScene jealous ploy developing)- you can imagine my joy - and he explains that he would like to get to know me and that he IS indeed over her. WHAT THE HALIBUT? REALLY???? I place my hands firmly onto my face (careful not to disrupt sparkly eyes) and decide to walk away quickly to resume my "Pipe Push Away Tactics" starring a now squealy drunk CrimeScene and a newly sexually encouraged jerk boy.

This is going to be a long night folks.

Ass boy is now circling us like a shark on Meat Skittles while jerk boy is salivating all over CrimeScene--and now--- a miscellaneous drummer guy (that had been staring at me earlier) keeps coming up "checking" on me (but not saying ANYTHING ELSE but: "I'm just checking on you!" and walking away). And I am OK with him talking to me respectfully (because he knows I am not interested) except that AFTER his show he is renewed with "I am GREAT drummer boy juice" and approaches like I will drop to my knees in observance of his greatness - I don't. Instead, I scoop up a gangly beautifully primed for trouble CrimeScene and hightail it to the door as any esteemed "dork deterrent" system would..

Pipe pusher jerk boy catches us at the car and after professing his needs to her and depositing her into the car (which I was thankful for) comes over to my side of the car, sticks his head in to plead his case and give me a kiss on the cheek (ya gotta romance the friend guys, it is some kind of stupid rule). I pull off quickly not really watching if his feet had cleared the tires.

As we sing very loudly to the rock blaring in my car, we find ourselves at Steak and Shake (the car just went there, had I chosen it would have went straight home). I order foods of questionable origin and have an impromptu "annoy the drive-thru worker" session which was seriously the best freaking part of my night!

It's then I find out:

CrimeScene gave jerk boy our address and he is planning on stopping by!!!!!

WHAT THE HALIBUT???!!!

He sends a text saying he is on his way!!!!!

I celebrate by throwing up in my mouth a little.

I quickly and embarrassingly turn street gangsta and proclaim loudly "I"LL CUT A BOY!!" (and then check myself for my now lapsing verbal intelligence and pride, cause I am not sure where THAT statement came from!!??? ). I work on my breathing and calm down enough to assure he doesn't show up.

Not that I could do anything to stop it, but he didn't show up and I was thankful!

And we did get home safe!

And I did get my verbal intelligence back, Yo.

I then slink into the spare room,, happy with my newly steak-burger juiced belly and another safely navigated CrimeScene night and collapse into a defunct bed.

Sweetly, I lay curled up within a 10ft wide 3ft deep crater in the middle of the aforementioned defunct mattress.

And there, while in my slightly buzzed state, I laugh at the ass boy and feet funk stories (AGAIN) and try not to think about how the mattress crater got there........

...... CrimeScene and I live happily ever after, both giddy with plans to go to an all day concert next Sunday to see an 80's hair band!! Good Lord what have I done??

.......banging head on table....

Just BE

I was 19 and dating a Navy boy with steely blue eyes and a truck jacked up so high I needed step ladder assistance to enter. He had a quiet sense of humor and soft hands that enveloped mine perfectly. He sang to me in a deep twangy country voice while playing his six string adeptly. We danced the two-step under the stars to Randy Travis' "Forever and always, Amen". He kissed me softly after singing "You look wonderful tonight". He promised me that country boys never hurt their ladies and I was safe. He worked at pulling me from my dark rocker chic world into his cowboy hat and boots existence. I stopped wearing tight jeans and concert t-shirts in exchange for boot cuts and white lace button downs. His disheveled sun kissed hair and crooked smile won my heart. I tried so hard to be what he wanted.

One day he asked to take me to the Navy base to meet friends and see his barracks. I complied with everything he ever wanted. I bought a bright summery patterned dress with matching strappy high heel sandals and clutch. I worked for hours on my hair and make up to impress him and his Navy friends. I was a country "Stepford" girlfriend.

On base we had to walk for a while to get to the barracks. My heels kept getting stuck in the mud and grime so he picked me up and carried me to the sidewalk grumbling about my choice in shoes. The building was buzzing with activity and my "leader" knew everyone.

There was a check in point at the bottom of a two level staircase. Two men sat at a table taking identification from civilians and signing us in. I was flirty and fun that day, I remember thinking I was fantastic and all my hard work had paid off, he would be mine. The journey up the steep staircase in my strappy hell devices was shaky and painful. He held my hand with tight ownership and I never let on about my discomfort.

I was two steps from the top when it happened. I misstepped and tumbled backwards. I bounced like the red ball on top of the words of a sing-a-long video. Legs and arms flailed every where as I let out a grunt with each abusive hit of the wall and stairs. Finally, at the very bottom I looked up to face the men at the check in table (again) with alligator tears streaming down my face. I stammered the words "I do all my own stunts" and sat up in pain. Navy boyfriend ran down to help me but looked angry. Check in officer laughed and said "We already had you signed in ma'am but thank you for your concern!" A bone was broken and I was bruised and bloody. Mr. "a country boy never hurts their lady" broke up with me in the emergency room waiting area.

Damn TRIANGLES!!!!

But Navy sign-in officer had taken an interest even after the "greatest date fall" in history and came to the hospital to check on me after his shift... AND he stayed with me through the night of x-rays and head trauma monitoring... AND he went and got me a white rose and a Mountain Dew to take with my "to strong for me" pain meds ... AND he was a rocker boy with dark hair and steamy brown eyes... AND he had a black low-rider Monte Carlo with AC/DC blaring through the speakers... AND he LIKED my wild hair and dark painted eyes... AND he was impressed at my concert t-shirt collection and tattoo ideas... AND he kissed me in the mosh pit of a bad local metal band's concert.......

... And suddenly it all made sense:

Be who you are

Be clutzy

Be wild

Be sexy

Be gooberish

Be adoring

Be alluring

Be selective

Be a non-conformist

Be challenging but open

Be patient (not A PATIENT,,wink)

Be your FANTASTIC self

Be confident but humbled

Be defiant

Be complete but never done

Be radiant

Be painfully aware

Be side-splittingly funny

Be concerned

Be seductive

Be a force

Be a necessity

Be a beginning to a chapter

Be an end to a means

Be a mystery

Be proud of your scars

Be willing to get more

Be a priority

Be #1 on someones "to do" list....(wink)

Be creative

Be pushing when some one's shoving

Be kicking names and taking ass (or something like that!)

And when all else fails------Just BE!

....please add to the "BE" list to the comment section BELOW :)

**********************************************************************************

You can't depend on somebody else to bring you happiness.

You have to find that for yourself and let someone else enhance it.

***********************************************************************************

"So Seductress,,,,What are your Valentine's day plans??" You ask sweetly while offering a Valentine's Day gift of Chocolate Covered Crickets and Red Lollipops with scorpions in them....... (you always were a little weird)...

Well,,,,,,, I will do as my mom suggested I do on Valentines day:

Enjoy a lot of cheap warm beer and sub-par chocolate knowing that the chilled Champagne and finest confectioneries will taste so much sweeter when they arrive.......AND.....................................

ROCK it ON like DONKEY KONG!!!!!!!!!!!!

.....Easy Fella' Momma's here!!

I think.......

I THINK

there should be a football team named "The SQUIRRELS" because of the way they dart in front of your car and with split second decision skills dart the other way then take a spin on your tire before being ejected and scoring their "goal" to get to the next tree

there should be a more defined set of rules in the game of hokie pokie

an officer should take you to coffee and find out how your life is going before issuing you a speeding ticket

life should hand you a few "get out of jail free" cards

you shouldn't have to "repeat",,,, the damn shampoo should be good enough to do it right the first time

printing an "M" on each individual candy is redundant and unnecessary

speed dating sounds awful

marshmallow fluff should come in a spray can

musical chairs is cruel

honesty shouldn't be "the best policy" it should be the ONLY one

dressing a dog is a little strange

spitting watermelon seeds should be in the Summer Olympics

kids should never get sick

a bad hair day is a great excuse to not do something

I should be able to fall to the ground and throw a temper tantrum every once in a while

dogs are more intelligent than most politicians

blue Popsicle's make great summer lipstick

the 5 second rule is great

I should be kissed-and often-by someone who knows how!

Swooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooon

no one should ever feel alone

bullies should wear shock collars

prisoners shouldn't have more luxuries than I do and cold hearted murderers should feel the pain and fear their victim(s) did

heroes are everywhere, the greatest of them are never acknowledged

the smell of fresh cut grass is heavenly

Jello heals all

beer is not just for breakfast anymore (laughing)

all kids take an underground seminar on being annoying

purple streaks in your hair at 39 can be cool

the inventor of mascara should win the Nobel Peace Prize

music is therapy

cats are much smarter than their owners

the game "redlight-greenlight" is always rigged

Chuck-e-Cheese is evil

you should never feel guilty for being truthful

balloons are addictive

Ice Cream trucks should be banned

green foods are toxic

it should rain jelly beans at least once

imaginary friends really never go away

everyone has a hidden talent they will sadly never uncover

it's not you it's me is a cop out line--and it IS YOU!!!

acting like a kid is good

kissing is amazing

dancing is vital to sanity

pimento ---inside-- a green olive is genius

if a boy hurts my daughter's heart, paint-ball guns should come into the picture

''Whoppers" candy is chocolate covered moth balls

What do you think????????

I'm waiting!!!

Starting Today

Starting Today:

I will not laugh when I see someone fall in a very animated way (Man that's gonna be tough)

Starting Today:

I will not automatically rate the IQ's of ladies who wear words like "sexy" or "hot" on the ass of their jogging pants (I mean they WERE intelligent enough to put pants on in the first place, that's gotta count for sunthin')


Starting Today:

I will be in tune with the DEEP philosophical messages hidden in each SpongeBob Squarepants episode (I'm ready,, I'm READY!!!)


Starting Today:

I will not "booty clap" dance in public-EVER (unless the song or mood dictates otherwise,, what???? I'm just sayn'- you know you want to see it!!!!)
(there's no picture for this gutta brain)

Starting Today:

I will count the grilled chicken in the 8 piece meal before leaving, because in a mad display of reverse economic portion control my 8 piece turned into a 6 piece (AGAIN) and now I don't have breakfast-grumbling (maybe I should buy them a Pre-K math workbook)


Starting Today:

There will be no holds approach to glitter and sparkle eye make up (Because I CAN! And it makes me happy!)








Starting Today:

I will relish EVERY relish (laughing) and fully dress MY OWN Hot Dog of happiness


Starting Today:

I won't wish for yesterday and fear tomorrow (yes, there had to be at least ONE serious one!)


Starting Tomorrow: I will do all of the above and more because:

Starting Tomorrow-- I won't procrastinate!!!

Please enjoy this picture of JELLO TOWN

est. population: 10,000 pineapple tidbits