Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Oh, you're such a weiner!!!! Come VOTE!!!!!!

Tap Tap Tap... Is this thing on??? Testing....1....3.....B......

Today is the day that YOU decide who wins the idiom contest!!! Yes you!!!! Mind you, it is a very important decision with what's up for grabs.... artwork.... from me...... No stop,, stop,, sit down,, no ovation necessary.... no wait.. you're LEAVING????? Don't leave!! You must stay and decide the future of one follower!! Certainly after they win this it will propel them into the spotlight, they will live in the lap of luxury, they could quit their jobs and live off fame and notoriety!

So buckle up....it's gonna be a bumpy ride!!!!

Here is the contest paragraph followed by the submissions.... You can vote in the comments section!!!

My followers love to play with me! They're funner than a (#1. insert idiom here)! Everyday I wake up and look forward to their intelligent banter with me, I love it when they say that I am (#2. insert idiom here)! One day I would like to pick them all up and take them on a road trip longer than (#3. insert idiom here). We would eat roadkill from Route 66 and laugh and laugh. The roadkill will smell worse than (#4. insert idiom here), but all in all we will have a most wonderful time (except when that one follower has to pee every 10 seconds!! I swear their bladder is as small as a (#5. insert idiom here).). I love my followers! That's why I will buy them all Ice Cream in any flavor they want (except banana), and hold them tight while I sing the theme song to "Beaches" softly in their ears. I think they are greater than (#6. insert self serving idiom here). And I know a good (restate noun from #6) when I see it!!!

Heff:
1. green turd
2. on the rag
3. Burrito Farts
4. Burrito Farts
5. Hamsters Penis
6. sliced bread

Sir Thomas
1. cock and bull story
2. finger lickin' good
3. arm and a leg
4. road kill
5. nest egg
6. blow job

Wolf
1. smart like a dump truck
2. my time in jail
3. my ass
4. Paris Hilton's brain
5. Beer

Ricky Shambles
1. dunk clown in a bear suit at a party store
2. eating kielbasa with a pickle fork
3. Ron Jeremy's IMDB listing
4. Michele Bachman's quote list
5. Taylor Lautner's IMDB list
6. beach sand in my lady crack

IT
1. monkey in a hat
2. bananas
3. Old Testament
4. Robinson Crusoe's underwear
5. gnats eyebrow
6.anchovies in a Ceasar salad

Mac
1. car load of clowns dressed like Elvis eating bananas
2. sexier than socks on a rooster
3. grandma's nose hairs
4. Ida Mae on a 3 day drunk
5. flea's saddle
6. cheese grater

Blase
1. 400 pound woman eating donuts in a smart car
2. my jugs are 2 die 4
3. enough for Blase to suck my nipples until I pass out
4. Lady Ga Ga's snatch
5. Obama's list of credentials
6. a penis with stamina

Lazarus Lupin
1. Eunuch at an orgy
2. centipede's knees
3. line at the DMV
4. Rosie's fingers after she had a really long workout and was annoyed cause she was listening to FOX news then before she showered she put her hands under her armpits for ten minutes for reasons I can't explain then almost fell and saved herself by putting her hands forward but her hands landed in poop from an emotionally distressed rottweiler who had just ate a terrier with colic
5. Glenn Beck's humility
6. truffle bunnies

Powdered Toast Man
1. jar full of pennies
2. sexier than a rhino in a polka-dot bikini
3. Lindsay Lohan's criminal record
4. Skunk after a wild night of sex
5. really, really small bladder
6. taco's after midnight

Crunk
1. son of a gun
2. enemy of the State
3. flash in the pan
4. cutting the cheese
5. piece of cake
6. bump in the night

also submitted dogs bullock as a fill in for all blanks.. ;}

Rawkyn Robyn
1. coed naked sun swimming
2. the cat's meow
3. the short-bus that transports them home from school
4. plumbers crack
5. Justin Beiber's manliness
6. one taco short of a fiesta

OPERATORS ARE STANDING BY!!!!!!

Saturday, August 28, 2010

A few Email questions from you...

...Why do you always look so mean in your pictures?? Smile for cripes sake!!!!

...Well, person who wishes to remain anonymous, I try to look "Seductively-sparkly-sweet" thus being a "Seductress" to my readers, but the fact that I just look "mean" reiterates the fact that I am still "Invisible" as a Seductress..

Errr,,, it might not be a great answer but at least it's a clever transition.. dontchya think?

How's this for HAPPY????
Taken right before this post for...you know who you are you big Anonymeanie...


Oooooh,, a over exaggerated smile AND over-teased 80's hair,, two-fer!!!

...Have you had some kind of spiritual awakening that deals with Green Olives and Sparkles? You seem to have a closer following to them than "normal" people do. Is there something we should know?

...YES, I could share it with you but there is an initiation process that includes some hazing rituals that most "normal" people can't hang with.

...Your posts are pretty long, why is that, don't you have a life?

...I don't have a life actually, I hope to have one someday though. One filled with swirling raindrops falling down from a cave ceiling where I am spelunking with 20 beautiful shirtless David Bechkam and Brendan Frasier doppelgangers that are not afraid to get bat shat on their bronzed shoulders and will initiate the wonders of *Hot Monkey Sex to me for hours under a waterfall of flowers and Willy Wonka chocolate as we float down a river of bliss together at 11AM on the Saturday of my choice. They would also carry me to Sephora and pour out the contents of their bank accounts to fund my mascara addiction with no judgement other than to tell me that the purple mascara looks fantabulous with the silver sparkles and I should buy the silver sparkles in bulk because my eyes are the window to my soul and my soul sparkles like the newly risen sun beams reflected off the surface of a 10 million chic little make-up mirrors adorned on the flip-side with my image, the same image that is currently being engraved on the mountain top of a remote jungle village because I am the Queen and their ULTIMATE image of beauty (other than the exquisite, rare Whulabaluubaloo Butterfly that is only indigenous to their village). That carved ode to me will then be chosen as the next added Wonder of the World and be duplicated in every souvenir shoppe on the planet next to the Bubba Teeth and Razzies candy. And you will purchase it and be glad that you knew me when I was humble and small and fighting my way through this world by written prose and verbally animated ZOMG cat pictures.....Wait....what was the question again??

*The phrase "Hot Monkey sex" can be attributed to Mike in reference to my last post. Thank you Mike!!

Any more questions?

Friday, August 27, 2010

I was a ROAD RAGE virgin!!.....Confessions of my lost innocence

I am a very patient gal. The heavenly light of sweetness shines around me and strengthens as it reflects off my super-deluxe edition halo. I can't see risking life and limb or proper etiquette rules in front of blossoming children to verbally assault another driver. But my kids were not in the car today when I encountered Asswiper Jones and his traveling business office.

Well, maybe I give him too much credit here, it was a broken down, twice-baked, dilapidated, work-truckish, business office.

(this is you asking....) "Huh?? Twice baked? WTF does THAT mean Seductress???"

First off this is a family blog, so only I can swear impetuously like that (laughing). What I mean by "twice-baked" is that it was formerly a van from another business and instead of painting the whole thing over, they spray painted over the OLD business name and added a stencil advertisement for the NEW business and Presto-change-o-rearrange-o "twice-baked" half-assed business fleet.



It's almost like when Bubba buys a Vacuum fixing business-to open up his tax preparin' office and decides to sub-let part of the shed to a taxidermist. What you gots there is an even rarer "thrice-baked" business operation!!

The business name on the building and stenciled to the singular "fleet" work-truckish thing would read:

Bubba Sucks-On duty IRS Agents-Stuffed Wildlife
..and sandwich shoppe by Betty

What??? Bubba's wife is an aspiring caterer,, she wants in on the business venture too!!

Well that was a marginally disturbing detour......

Back to the losing of my "Road Rage" virginity...

I have never been a very good driver. Truth is I suck at it. You can find out more about that HERE. With that being said I never screw around behind the wheel because I am already and idiot..

But yesterday, when Asswiper Jones pulled out in front of me at a 4-way and then ran me off the road TWICE because he was talking on his cell and looking at a map, I experienced road rage. I let the first two things go because I really didn't have time for stress, but the last infringement of the happy little dividing lines, grated my patience into anger cheese.

THE LINES ARE YOUR FRIENDS!!

I saw my opening a few hundred feet up, there was a Snowbird was "touring" the road in his hoopdie, and I was in the other lane. I could jut out and pass Asswiper and then block him, forcing him into going the Snowbird warp speed of 2MPH! It was wrong, I know. But I felt a little free accosting the air with my irreverent sexual innuendo and layering on the adjectives with reckless abandon (plus AC/DC was playing and it makes me feisty and all hard core rockerchicish)!!

I watched him squirm in my rear view a few moments before noticing something I hadn't taken the time to recognize before. He was a hot mess! I hate hottie Asswipers because it's much easier to be mean to an Asswiper if they are ugly. So I let up and got out of his damn way and prepared for the aftermath of his anger.

As he got up to my side he was screaming, as soon as he made eye contact he stopped and he worded with his perfect mouth "I'm sorry". I fell into a 13 year old girl boy crush mush concoction. When we got to the stop light, there was no one behind us, he rolled his window down and I followed suit. This is our conversation:

Manly-Man: "I'm sorry"

Geek-girl: "It's OK, me too" (geeky shrug, giggle, slight snort)

Manly-Man: "You have beautiful eyes!!" (charming wink and smile with that little "shine twinkle" on his magnificently white teeth)

Geek-girl's thought bubble: Say something cool, say something cool, for God's sake be normal and say something cool.....

Geek-girl: "Uh, Thanks" (giggle, sigh, giggle, swooooon)

Manly-man: "Don't tell your husband" (verbal nudge)

Geek-girl's thought bubble: Be suave, work this, you're NOT married. He's a gorgeous Asswiper in a twice-baked,,,, say something sophisti...DAMMIT... light change...

HONK-HONK-HOOOOONK

"I-I gotta go" (geeky shrug, point at light and two finger wave)

He turns left as I go straight and scream for effect:

"I'M SIIIIINGLE !!!" (making the "call me" hand sign)

The words echo in my lonely car that is now filled again with the heavenly light of sweetness I gained back from apologizing for having road rage, a super-deluxe halo that has dimmed because I was thinking naughty thoughts about Asswiper and the sting of Karma for being such a freaking geek.

I call for a do-over!

Sweet Nectar from the God's (formerly Asswiper Jones) if you are reading this, please stalk me, I'm kind of a big deal (cough).

Wednesday, August 25, 2010

SOMEONE HI-JACKED MY BLOG!!!!!!!!!!! (FACEPALM)

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Yesterday was my daughter's 10Th birthday!!!! Egads man!!! Where does the time go??? The whole "double digit" age thing bothers me. I have a theory.

You wanna hear it? Of course you do!! Here I go:

You see, when they are little babies, they stay sweet all through the single digit months 0-9. Around 10 months we get separation anxiety and "surgically placed on your hip" action and then the whole "what's the meaning of this "NO" you are talking about?" months start. They push the limits and ALL of your buttons because of their newly formed "need" for more freedom. That craziness goes through about 12 months and they seem to calm a bit.

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We have rough patches through age 3, and then the "personality" factor comes in strong and they start to be fun little people again. For the most part they stay "cool" until they hit the double digits (again) and the whole "what's the meaning of this "NO" you are talking about?" comes back again because NOW they are older and "deserve" more freedom. That is mixed with a little "angst" and "awkwardness" and HUGE parental doubts of their intelligence levels when it comes to common sense. It's all a recipe for stress and eating green olives by the handful. I am there now with 2 of them now.

I normally would do a "lovey-dovey" Birthday post, but today, DramaGirl found out that I hadn't yet finished her "lovey-dovey" Birthday post and offered her assistance because:

"I know me better than you know me, mom"

Ok, true 'dat Drama! But I have to tell a little about you first in the effort to fully utilize my parental right to embarrass you. It's almost as good as the "embarrassing pictures to show your new boyfriend" box I have prepared for you.

Have you ever met someone who is all swirly and happy all the time? You know the ones that seem to have their own bouncy "theme song" playing in the background wherever they are? That's my middle child. This quality is very endearing in her and not at all irritating like it is in say,, Richard Simmons, he needs a few Zanex and new less sparklier tank tops, just sayn'.

But in my daughter, this quality makes her just about the cutest thing EVA'!

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She is however, just a tad bit dramatic.... (cough)

Here's a story......

It was a bright sunny day a few years back. I had told the girls that they would need to clean out the 4ft of crap they trudged in my car. They were understandably very excited about this and nominated me for "Mommy of the year" again!! After about 5 minutes, DramaGirl's incessant complaining about the heat and her debilitating thirst turned into a Chinese water torture session.

Drop,,, drop,,,drop,,,drop,,, Aaaggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

But then, it suddenly stopped.

DramaGirl had collapsed!! She was laying on the driveway, arms fully extended forward, undoubtedly from thirst and/or heat exhaustion of the past 5 minutes of brutally hard work. I decided to let her lay on the hot concrete and show no signs of caring that the little driveway rocks were making divot marks all over her fat little cheeks and the ants were assembling to try and carry her away to their leader.

The moaning and Oscar award winning demonstration did however catch the attention of a well meaning neighbor. Determined to "save" my daughters life (even though I was standing a few feet away from the dramatic scene) she questioned my daughters condition.

"OMG!!!!! Are you OK????!!!!!"

My daughter, true to her dramatic calling, raised one arm weakly and reached out to her savior. She then coughed pathetically and forced out the words "NO" in the voice stylings of a 102 year old asthmatic smoker.

My neighbor proceeded to run over while looking at me as if I was Elvis in his "Fat" years eating a fried banana and peanut butter foot long sandwich while popping pills and forcing Anna Nicole Smith to join in on his festivities of excess, in her clown suit.

I just stood there shaking my head and laughing. Until DramaGirl said:

"You love the ANTS more than you love me!!!!"

And then me and the neighbor both stood there shaking our heads and laughing...

But I must say the ant condo/spa/resort I set up IS nicer than most I've seen....

DramaGirl has a sense about her that I love! A playful, happy, sweet spirit that I can not get enough of.

You can see that from the blog post she prepared (totally by her self) for you below:

Hey!!!!! Ish DRAMAGIRL!!!!! {{{{{drama girl, drama girl, drama girl}}}} (that was an echo)

Ok, a blog..... Hmmmmmmmmmmm I guess I should've came into this with an idea, I'm wearing a Tinkerbell shirt tho! -big smile- and mom is buying her favorite daughter (me) a Moxie teenz doll today ^.- ,, well, I'm supposed to talk about me...........Well, I'm pretty, and awesome -big smile- raises eyebrow- (it's my first time blogging- give me a chance... also send my mom a thousand emails saying (hi) if you like my smileys! I'm chewing on an eraser now.... :D ;D

HEY, YOU WANT SOME? I THOUGHT YOU WOULD!

-thumbs up-

BOO YA!!!

Zaxbys has a new birthday cake milkshake!

I GOT ONE! ('cause it's my birthday! ;} )

Yes, you CAN drink a birthday cake!

Anyways, more about me ^.- my life history; I'm ten years old born in 2000 in Florida I've had six/seven boyfriends (all of 'em were jerks) my favorite song is Evactuate the Dance Floor, my favorite movie AND book is Nim's Island by Wendy Orr and my middle name is Nicole and

I'M AWESOME

DRAMAGIRL OUT! PEACE!

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I love you my sweet, sweet DramaGirl, please never stop looking toward the stars and calling out which ones are yours, because they ALL can be!!!

Peace DramaGirl....and the best best life ever!!!!

Mom OUT!!!

Mother inserted sappy song here:

LIFE and the conditions there-in

....is getting in the way of my posting and blog stalking....

DAMN LIFE!!! Don't make me come back there!!

I will STOP this car right NOW MISTER!!




...normal posting and blog stalking to resume shortly. Please make yourself at home in the mean time. Fresh towels are in the closet and help yourself to the fridge,, but stay away from my Green Olives and Green Jello!! (in fact if it's GREEN...leave it alone... cause anything else green has got to be green because of the mold).

And NO, that is not a handsome man duct taped to the wall of my closet, it is ART!! Interactive 3-D type art. No matter what he says!!

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

Jan Brady wants to do YOU...I mean THIS...but maybe you a 'lil too...

So Jan Brady stopped by because I was talking about the conclusion to my IDIOM contest. She thought I said it was an IDIOT contest and wanted to nominate Marsha. I don't think those two will ever get along. I explained to her that you,, (my lovely followers and friends of all that is 70's inspired) will be choosing the winner of the contest. She said something like: "YOU, YOU, YOU!!!!!" and started sobbing as she pointed at you all, not sure what that was all about.

Jan Brady Pictures, Images and Photos

But,, she WAS all dressed up and even had those strange curly tendril things so I said she could stay and help.

Here's the dealio. Last shot at submission today. So if you had an IDIOM enlightenment seminar in the past few weeks maybe you should submit now. The prize is grand!!! The cat inspired Seductress artwork (featured to your right) that will be worth probably $1.50 after I die because things always skyrocket after the demise of the tortured artist,,, and because I have been eating too much SPAM lately,, death is probably the next logical step.

Excuse me for a moment.

(cough)

"Jan, why are you swigging my mouthwash dear?"

"I thought it was a bottle of Jack"

"Stop it, You're no KESHA!!"

"When are the guys going to show up for the IDIOM partay, partay?"

"There are no guys, this is not a par-tay,, and why exactly DO you have a ball gag???"

"I am open to new things, unlike Marsha, and when I finally do "DO" Greg, she'll see....

"She'll see"

(awkward silence)

"Is that a dead gerbil?

.....AND the cursed TIKI idol From Brady's go to Hawaii lure??"

Brady Bunch Tiki idol Pictures, Images and Photos
I is cursed

"Uh, Jan,, why is your head spinning all Exorcistically?"

"Jan,,, Jan,,, JAN!!!!????"


"Wher'd you get that wig???"

\"Its the new Jan Brady\" Pictures, Images and Photos

"It's the NEW JAN BRADY BITCH!!!!"

"I remember that episode Jan, things didn't turn out that great for ya..."

(Jan begins to sing and dance and cry a 'lil)

"I feel pretty,, I feel pretty"

"Can someone please get Dr. Drew?? I need his help STAT!!"

(..............gulp......)

...submit your IDIOMS to the comment section below........

... or I will get Jan to follow your blogs....................................

My followers love to play with me! They're funner than a (#1. insert idiom here)! Everyday I wake up and look forward to their intelligent banter with me, I love it when they say that I am (#2. insert idiom here)! One day I would like to pick them all up and take them on a road trip longer than (#3. insert idiom here). We would eat roadkill from Route 66 and laugh and laugh. The roadkill will smell worse than (#4. insert idiom here), but all in all we will have a most wonderful time (except when that one follower has to pee every 10 seconds!! I swear their bladder is as small as a (#5. insert idiom here).). I love my followers! That's why I will buy them all Ice Cream in any flavor they want (except banana), and hold them tight while I sing the theme song to "Beaches" softly in their ears. I think they are greater than (#6. insert self serving idiom here). And I know a good (restate noun from #6) when I see it!!!


"I love you all!!!"

"..... and marshmallows!!"

"Get it???? You thought I was going to say MARSHA!!!!"

"Don't you just love my NEW braces???"

"Hold me"

Tomorrow you can vote on a winner.....and block your newest follower.......



Thursday, August 19, 2010

Vienna sausages and jazz hands!!

I ate a jumbo sized can of Vienna Sausages this morning for breakfast. I am not sure why ANYONE would be stupid enough to eat a jumbo sized can of Vienna sausages, but now I feel like a disgruntled cat. I swatted at my kids ankle when she walked by and I am thinking about curling up in the sink for a nap (and then pooing in it to spite the world).

When I go to Big Lots, I always end up buying "SPAM like" products. It's bizarre, I think I need to have this looked at but I am not sure where to find a medical professional that specializes in this sort of mental ailment.. For lunch: Deviled Ham, because I like my processed meat products a little questionable in their moral status, makes me feel like a sexy animal by-product rebel.

I took the spawns on a brief school starting "I need, I want" session. I am poor so I have to be extremely creative and thrifty when it comes to shopping. I think the plastic Sears bag is going to look the nicest on my older girl, while the blue of the Wal-mart bag accentuates my little one's eyes!

We were in the middle aisle of Kohls when DramaGirl did something that pulled at my heartstrings.

I am getting all befuddles just thinking about it.

She stopped, gasped and screamed out:

"SPARKLES!!!!!"

And then she ran to the make-up aisle while squealing my name and gesturing me to run with my awesome "jazz hands". Of course I did and added my patented "I love mascara" skip to emphasize my excitement. I am so proud! My eldest just rolled her eyes with a look on her face that read: I'll be over here in the "misunderstood tween" clothes section, trying to erase this moment from my memory bank.

School starts Thursday. Here are a few stylish animals getting ready on their first day of school!


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Feeling confident with his freshly whitened teeth,
Trigger made an attempt at a pick-up line.

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Wednesday, August 18, 2010

Your feet stink!....and the first ever installment of: What the B-list pets are sayn'!!

I really should be doing something amazing right now.

Like figuring out why pickles have expiration dates when theoretically the continuation of the pickling process should only enhance the flavor of said pickles.

Or possibly trying to invent different colored misc. silly-shaped plastic bracelets that kids will pay loads of their parents hard earned money on to wear and collect (or did some rocket scientist beat me to that?).

I wonder things like why in the hell I bought my children the same brand and patterns of Fruit of the Loom bikini briefs as I have and now every other day I get an atomic wedgie because I over-enthusiastically put THEIRS on.

Maybe I should stop thinking that I should have become a stunt woman because I have learned to "tuck and roll" so well in my daily fall routines, surely there is more to that job.

Did you know that if you "burst" a grape in your mouth while simultaneously flipping your head over to continue the blow drying process you will feel like you are drowning for 10 whole minutes?

If I stare at my thumbs they start to look like big toes and freak me out.

"Every time you go awaaaaaay, you take a piece of meat with yooooooou" I love that song.

Is it possible that I am destined to create a mind shattering invention that you find out you can not live without?

Not today..

Today my brain is like peanut butter. It is tasty and chopped full of verbal protein that is getting stuck to the roof of my mouth.

I will not rape your mind with my swirly fantabulous nonsensical ramblings today.

I will save that for tomorrow!

-INSTEAD-

Today I give you the first installment of :

"What the B-list pets are saying"!!

The part of the post where B-list pets get some LOL love!!

No A-lister ZOMG cats or dogs here!!

Just your everyday "lesser loved" animal companions!!


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Tuesday, August 17, 2010

Words strung together meticulously trying to achieve the funny..but failing miserably..


My life sucks Pictures, Images and Photos


I decided I would paste together some things that I think are ALMOST funny and maybe some of you will ALMOST laugh at them.. This is an experiment and should not be used against me if it fails..

This post will self destruct in 90 seconds.........


I want to work for Zappos and get in touch with my inner puppet.

Why are all the people in depression medicine advertising ugly? Now I am worried, not only because I feel depressed, but that I must be ugly on top of that! This is a bad cycle of events.

Men walked on the moon, but Dish Network can't keep programming on when it rains.

Ever notice a man "hug" with another man consists of a somewhat violent looking "power struggle pull" to the chest and 3 pats on the back? WTF is up with that?

If I am more than 5 feet away, please don't hold the door for me! I appreciate the sentiment, but I look rude if I don't sprint in at superhuman speed, I would have rather opened my own damn door.

Baboons should be required to wear pants.

No one wants to see that.

http://kiwipolemicist.files.wordpress.com/2009/07/baboon_ass2.jpg http://blog.secretkeepergirl.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/01/bratz-large.jpg

Bratz doll lips look like baboon asses.

No one wants to see that.
(is it just me or does that one look like me? The doll....... not the primate......really? Still going with the monkey ass?? Well at least it is shaped like a heart..)

I don't think Vienna sausages are really from Vienna.

I will probably NOT have a good day AFTER you give me that ticket officer.

Why do you look at me funny when you say: "How may I help you?" and I say "Well, the gutters need cleaning out and the yard needs mowed and....." YOU asked ME remember???!!!

3 Musketeers bars are 40% less fat than a regular candy bar. This should make me feel healthier, but all it really does is make me want my other damn 60%!

I think orgasms should come with every order...like fries...


The Grass is Always Greener...

Why do they say that the grass is ALWAYS greener on the other side? I decided to take a scientific approach to solving this mystery once and for all. To be precise, I gathered grass samples from 72 1/2 locations and brought them back to my lab (actually she's a mix breed,, but whatever)...

We tested each sample meticulously and discovered this statement to be totally false. The grass is NOT always greener on the other side!! Actually,, when we flipped each blade of grass over,, we found no difference in the green hue values at all!! Each blade was the exact same color on the front as it was on the other side.

And now YOU know!!! No one can ever give you that bullshit line without you having a scientifically accurate,, Seductressly proven,, clever retort ready in your brain files.



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I have found while driving I see a lot of signs that say "Soft Shoulder". My shoulders are never softer around those turns. This upsets me. I am currently doing more research.


Chicken Or Egg??

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OF COURSE the chicken came BEFORE the egg. How would we know it was even a chicken if it didn't come first. We would have no clue what a chicken even looked like until one is manifested in front of us as a display model.

So you can put that issue to rest as well.


Does the Cat Have Your Tongue??

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Realistically,, if a cat has your tongue,, you are probably NOT going to get it back any time soon. Cats are assholes that way. Even if the cat IS feeling generous enough to return it,, he has probably already done a battery of scientific cat testing to it and it will be of no use to you.

traitorcat Pictures, Images and Photos

Furthermore, we should all be very careful about letting a cat "get" our tongues because reproducing speech is the last step before a swift Cat World Domination tour ends life on Earth as we know it.

Your cat told me of this plan whilst heavily intoxicated on spiked catnip..

He also told me about this incident:

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You should be ashamed of yourself...

Oh,,,, That's just WRONG!!!!

Farting Interlude

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I would like to take the time for an interlude to the "boys who hurt me" storyline. Seems appropriate to make it an unladylike interlude doesn't it? I am cool like that with my flashy relevant transition posts (jealous much?).

Now I personally don't fart, I ripple the air with my greatness instead, but I did crap a manatee one time (and I shared that with you people in an effort to totally sabotage my EVER having a date again in my lifetime, so far so good... sigh).

This morning I awoke to the rapid pfffffttting of Beagle-mix puppy farts. I have never experienced a rapid pffffftttting of Beagle-mix puppy farts have you? This experience was jolting to her as well. I know this because she got up, smelled the air, looked at me all offended like and left promptly.

This started me on a giggle jag that is still in progress as I type this post.

The dog I had before her was a master of the fart. He was old though, so each time he did fart it startled him. He would jump 50 feet in the air numerous times during the night when his farts attacked him. He also seemed to be allergic to his own butt funk air as he would start sneezing, which caused more farts as he exited the room, I just covered my head with the sheets and wondered about the metaphysical ambushing of the genetic codes responsible for hairy knuckles and ear hair (I am close to a break through).

I remember one time following a crotchety little old lady employee in a bookstore. I try to be very polite and respectful of people. She was fidgeting down the aisle looking for my requested books: "Sparkle Domination" and "The Mascara Chronicles" when it happened. The classic "uptight fart" maneuver. Her walk got lopsided and slowed, she looked for a diversion, but there was no time, a whistle fart had escaped the hallowed halls of funk. I felt sympathetic for her, truth is I was feeling a little air balloonish myself after having a big lunch. I had walked through the parking lot a little lopsided moments before. The whole thing was too much for me as I am a comedy junkie.

It was me or her, the fear was that if I restrained my laughter there could be a possibility that I myself might ripple the air with my greatness, the comic consequences were too severe, I may never stop laughing. I did what any good slapstick humor gal would do, I let out a belly laugh laughagasm. A phase 2 laughagasm. She was a bit shocked, but I could not resign to the muffling of my laughter and I had successfully staved off my own farts in the process.

She looked at me like a jaded Sunday School teacher and mentioned that it was a normal bodily function, I agreed with her but really wanted to let her know that she should never have tried to restrain it, because THAT was funny!!

And I went off to the ladies room to ripple.

Everybody has got a good fart story! What's yours?

Ever lay down a rapid fire fart line to save a friend?

Cough to try and muffle one on a date?

Blame your child for one?

Fart during an intimate moment?

Can you fart on command?

If you get nothing from this post (and I hope you didn't) just concede to this:

Farts are always funny people!!

AND

.... I will surely never get another date... ever....

Please enjoy this scientific demonstration of the heat mapping of flatulence:



The Invisible Seductress:
Providing the finest of high quality written entertainment since 2009

Monday, August 16, 2010

Your pig sty or mine?

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Lets talk. I'd like to tell you a tale. A tale of boys I've kissed. A tale of ones that hurt me, maybe not intentionally, but still, they did.

I was thinking the other day of all my injuries sustained during my life, and I thought of something:

All of them included a damn boy!!

Now sit down on the tattered circle rug, it's story time, cookies and juice served after, of course.

I told you recently of a broken arm playing Tarzan with my brother (a boy) but this one does not count.

The others do though.

Mean little boys with their smirks, charms and puppy dog tails... et al.

An ode to the evil little laughs and sweet kisses that make a gal do stupid, stupid things.

Like the time when I was about 9 and bouncing on a neighbor's trampoline while visiting my Grandparents. I was thinking about bunnies and innocent, sweet little pink, girly things when a scoundrel of a boy came by and lured me behind the shed. My innocence allowed this to happen, you know being all sugar and spice... et al.

I kissed him.
He kissed me. Please don't tell my mom or my brother (he would track him down and ruffle his feathers a bit).

I remember that kiss, it smelled, well, the kiss didn't smell, it was close to a pig sty and it smelled there behind the shed. But it was a soap opera kiss, because he asked me if it could be, and I said no (then yes.....).

Soap opera kisses were without tongue and basically a lot of smooshed lips and hands groping each others head whilst trying to remember to breathe between each passionate uncoordinated mauling. I remember being yelled at to leave every time a "soap opera" kiss came on TV, and now, I was a woman, living one out with a stranger (tres' scandalous).

I met that boy there on that foot of ground between the shed and a fence for the whole summer visit with my Grandparents, by the pigs, in the stink, learning how to be a sexy femme' fatale actress in a love scene and also how NOT to step in pig feces.

But you always step in shit when boys are involved, it's inevitable to get a little "stink" on ya, so I always have.

But the visits AFTER the first kissing encounter were on crutches.

"Why?" you ask sweetly engaged in my twisted tale of mean boys and pig stench.

Well it's simple, the evil boy did it!

I had gone back to the trampoline just a bit giddier than before, jumping with friends, singing "My Baby Takes the Morning Train" by Sheena Easton (Surprised I remember the song? Well,, you tend to remember what song you were singing when it involves a broken bone).

I knew I was getting married to that scoundrel of a boy that lured me to sin behind the shed. And of course,,,, you can't concentrate on trivial things like the dimensions of a trampoline when you are planning a future of wedded bliss. So I had miscalculated the edge of the trampoline and bounced right off onto the ground (I was not the "graceful as a gazelle" woman that I am now on that day).

The resulting "snap" of a bone was heard all through the neighborhood, and started my tumultuous relationship with "pig boys" and their cunning snips and snails... et al.




....to be continued... et al.......

Saturday, August 14, 2010

From the attic of the Seductress...

Quick partial repost but I will be back reading your blogs commenting and taking on full blogger friend capacity tomorrow.... Please enjoy Vintage Seductress.. but without all that funny mildew smell..

Growing up I had a good friend who lived out in the country. We were always outside and always eating Pringles at her house. I remember smiling while I fed apples to one of the horses and my bare feet sunk in the sandy road. There were huge trees lined all down our path and I would look up with wind blowing through my hair in amazement of nature. Spanish moss danced in the air and the smell of hay was always prevalent. Our feet were always black. Our tongues, always kissed with the taste of fresh honeysuckle.

She had a little brother named Shane. He would annoy us continuously. I actually thought he was fun to have around because he was such a live wire, but I never told her. One day as it grew dark, we sat on the porch drinking coke in the bottle with peanuts added. Her mom stuck her head out the door and beckoned "Time to come in!” Us girls knew we could hide out in a pink room and giggle all night. Shane on the other hand wanted to stay out and play. His mom grew angry and told him sternly "you come in now or you'll get a spanking!” Now the words coming out of Shane's mouth next, for some reason, struck a chord with me. To this day I can remember his dirty brown disheveled hair and even dirtier face making a decision on how to proceed in this moment. In a rough little boy voice he proclaimed: "BEAT ME MOMMY!" with total confidence.

You see Shane knew that he wanted to stay outside and play; he was willing to be in discomfort for this. He thought he was given an option and he chose accordingly. As a parent, I now know it doesn't work that way but back then I marveled at him. So happy running outside, so dedicated to retaining the moment that he would sacrifice his rear end for it.

I found my friend just recently and was told that Shane had passed in a car accident. It choked me up to think such a young man to be gone. In my head he will always be that rebel child with the determination to achieve what he wanted.

We all need to say "BEAT ME MOMMY" to the world sometimes. Taking your "hits" when faced with decisions is the right and most obvious thing to do. We are so scared to make sacrifices that we miss the point; Some things are WORTH making sacrifices for.

An extra hour or two outside on a beautiful summer day in the country is worth a spanking.

Would having many years in a good relationship be worth a few years of discomfort when it goes bad?


Would the ache of losing another relationship or challenge outweigh the bliss/pride it would give?

Are we so scared to face hurt that we are missing out on joy?

I think a lot of us are.

So we live in a bubble full of our own fresh air of mediocrity and compliance.

I know I have been for far too long now.

I have a book to publish. I have a crowd to sing in front of. I have men to woo (Yes you can woo too!! Which will also be the title of my 7th book). I have far off places to travel to by piggy-back on the Yeti I discovered deep in the forest. I have a home on an island that has a great view of another island with a volcano in the middle that I can watch bubble and hiss everyday from my front windows to purchase with the proceeds of my memoirs and Diane Sawyer interviews (excuse the run-on sentence, but that thought excited me!!). Bobby Flay has a specialty dinner menu to prepare in my kitchen whilst we gab about "our" future menus (sorry Mrs. Bobby, I'm THAT fantastic and I wooooed him with my stainless steel utensil collection ...buwahahahaha)


This will all take time to accomplish. But, I think now may be the time for us all to stop over analyzing every possible "spanking" the world may give, take some risks and let great things happen naturally.

I just hope my heart will let me take chances again.

Say this with me:

"BEAT ME WORLD"!!!!




Friday, August 13, 2010

Guess what......

I have family over. Which is strange for me because it's the first time in 10 years that it has happened. But you,,, my blogger family,,, do not deserve to be neglected!! So I wanted to share with you what (or whom that is) I have been thinking about all day. I have been having fantasies about:



My brother has been watching Bonanza all day and now I think I am in love. If you look like Little Joe, please contact me by email so I can be your Mrs. Kitty and dress up in a cool saloon girl dress. >^.^<

Thursday, August 12, 2010

Never forget to believe in fairies!!!!!

I have a blogger buddy (Ca88andra this is for you!) that wrote about fairies and how she forgot to believe in them as an adult. I wrote this poem for her. Lets never forget to believe in something, no matter what form it takes, that is magical and pure. The world will still go on around us if we take a few moments out of our day to be childlike and "believe" again. The gravity of the "little things" is so much greater than the weight of the "bigger" ones because we experience them so much more often. Lets take in all the little things we miss each day by sharing our smiles with everyone around us. It's free ya know!

Last night I saw a single firefly. I thought of how lonely it must be flying there all alone, but it shone so brightly, only flickering to gain height in the dark sky. Was it traveling to look for someone to share the night with? Or simply enjoying the breeze on a buggy face and the stars above writing it's name in sparkles?

Let the stars write your name tonight, it's better than any Broadway billboard could ever be!!

And never forget to believe in fairies!!



Have you ever seen a lone sparkle fall?
Well, it's not "just" a sparkle, after all.
If you have no clue, I'll give you a hint,
That shimmer is a single fairy footprint.
She was supposed to stay hidden, to keep us aloof,
And just flutter in, and just leave with a poof.
She stepped so lightly, but made a mistake.
She's not perfect you know, just give her a break!
She giggled as she left you that magical kiss,
To take as your own for a moment of bliss!
Share it with loves, or keep it all to yourself.
I have a whole jar full, I keep on my shelf.
I take them by handfuls, and as they blow in the wind.
I Wish for you true love, that will never find end.

-Y-

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Everything I need to know about dating I learned from DramaGirl!!!



My youngest daughter DramaGirl's birthday is coming up. It's hard to believe that she is going to be in the double digits!!!! This is a re-post about her "dating life".

Drama is getting made fun of in school for having a beauty mark. This humors me because the same thing happened to me growing up. All through high school I used concealer to hide mine so I wouldn't stand out. It was then that Cindy Crawford hit the scene running and she was uber-fab!! Madonna also was popular and even she had a strange "traveling" beauty mark on her face (WTH?). I thought they were both sinfully hot so I finally embraced my unique feature. I even started darkening it in a bit when I was fully made up. It became a trademark of sorts for me, as it will for her.

My daughter's beauty mark happens to be in the perfect spot next to her mouth. Her dark skin and almond shaped eyes give her a Brazilian look, which is getting noticed by her whole football team (yes, she is the bubbly, slightly aloof, quintessential cheerleader). Luckily she hasn't noticed being sought after and is oblivious to the amount of muddy football boy attention she gets,, YET,,, I think.

I shudder each time these boys run up and stutter and sway as they talk to her. She has started with the "multiple boyfriend" talk and I have started perfecting my alibi stories. You can tell by the name I dubbed her that my daughter is a drama queen. Where she gets it from I don't know (urp) but it's developed quite prominently and it both amuses and annoys me to no end. She is also very sensitive and gets her feelings hurt if you look at her wrong. I worry about these heathen boys breaking her heart daily.

She will be the death of me yet.

At a recent game, 3 boys walked by and fumbled over themselves gawking at her. They were laughing and conversing with "Beavis and Butthead" flair. It may have been inappropriate to shoot them with the paintball gun but whatever. After the game one of them, a little boy named Tanner, ran up and did the patented "DramaGirl sway". He was a rough edged blonde with blue eyes and "trouble" stamped on his forehead. He stood there in full uniform, scoping her out right in front of me. I fully expected a well thought of sentence but instead, he stammered a "HI!!" and ran like the wind. I held back my desire to scream "Run FOREST,,, RUN!!!”

As he escaped, my daughter bee-bopped beside me and I asked her if that was ONE of her BF's. Her answer choked me:

"Noooo, not YET."

WHAT THE HALIBUT????!!!!! NOT YET????!!!! So now she is actively PLANNING future relationships?? I must have looked funny because she countered me with:

"What???,,, did you SEEEEEE him????" said swooningly, in full daydream mode.

Sure enough by the next game Tanner was her boyfriend,, he even brought his mom over to meet me (again,,, WHAT???) They blossomed... (It had been a week-- years in tween love life time). I asked DramaGirl what having a boyfriend actually meant,, she said:

"It means respecting each other!"

(Insert angelic music here and bow to my masterful parenting skills).

There were many occasions I overheard her talking to him on the phone saying things like:

"Nooooo,, you're MY pumpkin!!"

(cough)



A few days later there was a Halloween party and things grew tense between the young loves. She was all dressed up as a "Midnight fairy" and was fabulous. The evil jealous bone welled up in Tanners little body. DramaGirl broke up with him that night because she said:

"He kept putting his arm around me and trying to hold my hand like he was my OWNER!" and then she grumbled.

Tanner, overwhelmed with hurt, kicked my daughter in the knee and then hit her in the stomach. I visualized her crumbling with tears at is feet. My sensitive, dramatic daughter did what I never imagined she would do. She turned right around, marched in the room with the adults, found his mother and in front of the room said calmly yet severely:

"Please get your AWFUL son and take him home, it's OVER!!"

(I'm welling up, gimme a second)

I was very proud of her but, this wasn't HER home or HER party so the effect was a tad jaded (but still awesome!). We had to see Tanner on a regular basis after that. He tried to "get her back" through gifts and many a secret message delivered through her "annoyed by the hassle" older sister.

"Meet me by the bathroom tomorrow morning, I have gifts!!" he would scream to her at football/cheer practice.

He went on for weeks like this to no avail. I thought she would crack when we spotted him with a new girlfriend but instead, she commented on how stupid they looked together and how she hoped she didn't look THAT stupid (I didn't tell her she did).

As for me,,, I am secretly jealous that my daughter's love life is better than mine when I pluck, shave, paint and polish myself everyday, and all she does is shake her hair out (sniffle, snort).

And I await her next "love" journey and mine, paintball gun cocked and loaded.

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

I miss....







colored bubbles Pictures, Images and Photos

autumn fall trees leaves gold Pictures, Images and Photos

I miss Slinky's, and "book"stairs. I miss being excited for something trivial. I miss not having "boundaries" of where my spirit can soar. I miss the innocence of a stolen kiss. I miss thinking the world is my oyster. I miss the feeling of a heart that does not have gaping holes. I miss cotton candy at the county fair while missing curfew. I miss soggy cheese sandwiches on the beach. I miss having a crush on my history teacher. I miss experiencing FOUR seasons. I miss spontaneity. I miss looking at Bon Jovi and knowing he was my future husband. I miss getting paid for a job well done. I miss riding a bike with a dirty face and a mission to find creatures with my brother. I miss the feeling of new clothes on the first day of school. I miss sitting on my Grandpa's lap hearing about his blueberry bushes. I miss being the one jumping in the middle of the bubbles to pop them. I miss my dad's constant whistling. I miss wearing striped toe socks and converse shoes. I miss singing in front of smiling elderly people. I miss NOT being the one everyone counts on to make decisions. I miss smiling upside down on my bed while squealing about boys with a neighbor girl. I miss pancake mornings (that I'm not cooking). I miss bonfires and the BS that happens around them. I miss not being afraid to camp because the bears will eat me like corn. I miss the first day on a new job. I miss holding hands and "monkey tailin' " fingers. I miss REALLY believing in Santa. I miss feeling safe. I miss feeling invincible. I miss smelling my mom's paint in the house. I miss not knowing what things really cost. I miss brushing someones skin with mine to "awaken" them. I miss pop tarts on Thanksgiving morning while watching the parade. I miss being dressed up in business attire gaining respect. I miss not being sick. I miss not being stable. I miss pop-rocks and coke. I miss the smell of my dad's Snicker doodles on Halloween night while he scared the older kids with his sound system. I miss my successful teenage babysitting business. I miss thinking things will always bounce back. I miss kicking ass on the pool table for money. I miss jumping in leaves. I miss being excited about my birthday. I miss the smell of mountain air. I miss my best friends awful biscuit pizza with mushrooms. I miss smelling my baby's head, they're not babies anymore :( . I miss running away from the waves. I miss planning vacations (and actually taking them). I miss dancing with a group of strangers. I miss late night rendezvous. I miss snuggling for the first time. I miss playing board games. I miss hammocks and fireflies.

I woke up this morning thinking about a slinky, that brought me to play dough and the taste of salt on my fingers, "copying" the Sunday cartoons with silly putty and cutting Barbie doll hair with dull scissors.

There are so many simple things that I miss. Things that come back in little snippets of a cherished memory. I need these little happy thoughts to swirl around me, we all do.

What are some things you miss?

Monday, August 9, 2010

My TV had to go to rehab and I said NO,NO,NO!!!



This is my daughters ACTUAL status on Facebook:

Boredom, it's the fun that's INVISIBLE!

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SIGH...I think I would have to agree. Poor = Boring. No money to go or do anything, lucky to eat and still have power but then....... IT happened........

My poor TV, it was once addicted to CRACK. It had the latest in upgraded programing: 10,052 channels of "nothings on" whine technology and an HDTV resolution picture. But things got tight. I downgraded to a lesser package, there were withdraws, sweating and pacing by it's side, begging for an ounce, nay a smidgen, of "Cash Cab" and HGTV enlightenment. The lack of "America's Next Top Model" frivolity and "Top Chef" memories, caused shaking fits and convulsions. No DISNEY?????? WTF kind of house am I running here???!!! Skip my Discovery Channel or TLC,, this is a travesty!!!

Fuggetuboutit!!!!

It is now throwing up the same movies on VCR because my DVD player only plays music CD's and not DVD's 90% of the time!!! After my 125Th time of watching the "Lion King", I now hear secret back tracking messages when it rewinds "Eat a cake!!"- "Blue sparkles today!!"-"You look fantastic, no, REALLY you do!!"-"Play me again or I will shat on your head and taint your pickle supply!"

So we play it again. And my girls whine and Traxx laughs and laughs!!

Hakuna Matata!

My final Dish Network extension ran out and NOW, we have nothing, notta, zero, sans TV entertainment. I stayed up talking to it all night, assuring it that I DID in fact love it and would soon feed it again, whilst I wiped it's plastic brow.

I started watching the only adult VCR tape I could find. "50 First Dates". But if you've seen it once, you've seen it 50 times! My son kept saying " I don't LOVE this show" with such repetition, I allowed him to put on Lion King while I rocked back and forth in my chair.

....Are ya aching, YUP! YUP! YUP!.....For some bacon, YUP! YUP! YUP!

....Then YOU can be a big PIG too!!! OYE!!

What this means now is we are going to have to find other ways of entertaining ourselves.

Here are some games we are playing:

A pinata made out of sub-par zip lock bags filled with Green Olives and butter.

Window Licking Art Contest.

The "If I had gas I would take you somewhere" shimmy.

Twitching With: Justin Beiber.

Count Mommies Mascara Tubes.

Name That 80's Monster Hair Band Ballad! (the kids suck at this one, it's sad really)

Vacuum. (no really, who typed THAT??)

Watch mommy slam her head into the wall.

Go outside and play "Splash dance" in your own sweat!

Which toenail would YOU bite first?

Hot Dog animal byproduct trivia.

Count Lindsay Lohan's freckles.

Who's Poop Is THAT?

50 Dust Bunny pick up lines!

But will cheese stick to it?

The Puppy Peanut Butter Game.

Bobbing for Banana's. (we're out of apples)

How many hours will duct tape hold you there?

"Try and eat it ANYWAY" Charades.

Flush or Flood?

Grape Juice or Nyquil?

Pin the tail on the screaming toddler.

I'm a little Tea pot (no really, pour me some tea).

You rub my feet and I feed you!

Scrape the boogers off your dresser. (WTF?)

"If you say your bored one more time!" tween smack down.

The "How many times do I have to ask you" game for advanced players.

Don't eat the play dough!

Why is the underwear on your head?

Name that weed!

Is this a raisin or just an old grape?

"Just because it's summer rebuttal" fun!

And we also enjoy such treasured classics as:

Pull my finger!

The "How many times do I have to tell you?" game for advanced players.

My couch is not a jungle gym!

The "That's not a toy, put it down!" shuffle.

The "She's drinking outta the milk carton!" squealing contest.

"MOM she just______", A tattle-tale guessing game.


What other games can we play???????

Saturday, August 7, 2010

DramaGirl Interviews Mommy....

My youngest daughter (DramaGirl) wanted to do a short interview of me and put it on the blog. She very carefully put together some questions that are relevant to nothing and vital to no one, which is why they are so great. I will of course answer them with the greatest of poise and intelligence for you.

Q: If you could have any super power what would it be?

"Did you brush your teeth today?"

"Uh, Yes"

"REALLY???"

"Yes Mom"

A: If I had any super power in the world, I would be like "The Mentalist". I would KNOW if you brushed your teeth without asking. I would be able to look at you and yell at you BEFORE you actually DO what I am yelling at you about. Like when you decided to paint your dresser purple last week. I Would have totally changed your mind about the act before you took it to fruition and made me question whether or not I should allow you to ever eat cake, smile, ride a bike or do ANYTHING even remotely fun whatsoever..... EVER....... again!!! Had I had that superpower last week, you would probably be at Disney World right now in a new fabulous outfit complete with accessories eating cotton candy and laughing and laughing.

"REALLY!!!!!!??????"

"No, but you may have been able to play a video games on the computer, same fun level really."

Q: If you were any type of tree/flower what would you be?

A: My spirit is like the most fragrant of rose petals, dropped loosely from the sky, raining down on all who are lucky enough to dance under them. Urrrrrrrrrrrp.

"THAT'S AWESOME!!!!"

"I know!! I'm kind of a big deal!!!"

Q: If you had a dream where a giant cupcake murdered a muffin what would you do?

"HUH???"

"That's your answer???"

"No"

"Just answer it"

A: I would really have to consider what my appropriate action would be. I really think that pastry bigotry has been taken to extremes in the last few years. My initial reaction would be to blame the parents and find the 3 layer cake that dropped the parenting ball. But social stigmas are present in this as well. Video games the mini-muffins are playing, violent in nature, tend to idealize a loss of reality and veer toward the fantasy world. TV shows show over frosted pastries being chosen over those less seductively dressed making donut holes and other less gaudy pastry minis feeling unhappy with themselves. Plus, maybe this over sized cupcake was being ridiculed by the muffin, it's sad really. But the muffin deserves the "breakfast penalty" in my mind. Unless it's a corn muffin, and then it can do "dinner" slopped in chili or another stewish concoction of comfort foody goodness.

"Weird"

"Cough"

Q: Would you rather have one eye or two noses?

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A: Oh this is a good one. I think I would rather have one eye. Because I think if I had one eye it would be proportionate to the size of my head and therefore would be a nice sized eye. A nice sized eye would have a nice sized eye lid for sparkles. A nice sized sparkly eye lid would have a nice abundance of eyelashes, eyelashes that I could mascara, with a nice brand of the blackest, black, lengthening, no spidery, mascara. It would be a fantastic eye! I could only "powder" two noses, that's no fun!! And I would smell your feet more.... and that's just straight up nas T!!

Q: As a pet would you rather have a kind dragon or a mean dog?

A: I already have a mean dog. I think it would be cool to have a kind dragon. We could both wear leather accessories and flaunt our fantabulousness around town. S'mores party bon-fires would be a daily thing. This would also be a great pet for going to Walmart. I don't think anyone would mess with a feisty gal and her dragon, no matter how kind he looked.

This concludes the interview. I hope you enjoyed it! DramaGirl and I would be thrilled if you answered some of her questions in the comment section below.

Thursday, August 5, 2010

This could only happen to me....

I say that because, this COULD only happen to me. Geesh, having to explain that to you again is kinda weird, but OK.

You wanna hear about it? Of course you do! Here I go:


Basked in the heavenly glow!!
Basked I say!!!!


I don't really go on the dating sites anymore. I do still get messages though, I have not deleted my file because I am addicted to reading emails from people who want to "Dance with the Devil"... (remember that last line, it will become important later).

Truth is, the comedy factor alone keeps me coming back for more. Sad the day will be, when I find my "forever" victim guy and no longer need assistance from the Internet Dating God's (not really). It may sound mean,"playing", but I assure you it's not. IF I go on and IF I read one that has substance, I will normally say:

"Thank you for responding, but this item has been temporarily recalled for the safety and sanity of all mankind".

It's the players and sex hounds I love to mess with. Seriously, you have to agree that the "pipe pic" senders, "private room sexter" pleas, marriage proposals from Billy goats and the "let me write a stranger a poem as if I REALLY know her" emails are funny. As if my little 3x3 photo has changed your life and stopped your world dead in it's tracks with love (I mean I CAN see where that would happen if I posted a picture of my heart, but....).

One of the sites emails you every time you get an email or a "wink". I usually ignore them, let them pile up and when I am done licking the windows or feeding the dust bunnies hot dogs with miniature sporks, I read them all at once and Laugh and Laugh.

But, today I got the following URGENT message:

******The Lord emailed you at 1:45Pm!*******

I thought: "Holy crap!!" (like how I sanctified the exclamation statement??)

.......I knew this was gonna happen sooner or later!!

I guess in the grand scheme of things, if people aren't going to church and heeding your word, the Internet WOULD be a good point of contact, I mean, he COULD have "friended" me on facebook, but, this way was effective too, besides, I don't do "Farmville", so I wouldn't be a very good "reaper and sewer" there for him anyway.

So, of course, I went off to the site that the Lord emailed me on, wouldn't you?

It had no picture as it was a "private profile" (I wouldn't want everyone having my information if I was him either).

The message was very simple and concise:

"I am Lord. Please contact me."

Really??

Perhaps he could have done a little more to "wooooo" me but, alright.

Note to self: Contact the Lord tonight as I close my eyes and pray for a normal man World Peace and mascara.

But ALAS!!! The Lord must have noticed that I read his email and did not respond, as a few moments later the text sound rings through my phone and a beam of heavenly light focuses on it whilst the angels serenade me.

I pick it up to read:

*****The Lord emailed you at 2:02PM!*****

Ohmanohmanohmanohman.....

This time the email was a little more defined:

"I am Lord. email privately at Lord_cud@blah blah.com"

THAT'S STRANGE!!

Why exactly WOULD the Lord UNDERSCORE cud???

Is this a secret message only the privileged received? Is there something I am to do with the cows? Take away their cud perhaps? Are we as humans to adopt a place in the "chewing cud" culinary adventure?

I must know! I email the Lord back.

"HI!"

(text sound)

*****The Lord emailed you at 2:35PM!*****

(Breathing quickly)

(clicking on website whilst humming "Old Rugged Cross" angelically..)


OH LORD!!!!! YOU so CRAZY!!!!!!

I have saved the emails for posterity.

**Seductress Notes: No deities were meant to be disrespected in this post. Just an idiot web dater who thought this was a clever handle to abuse for his own skeezy dating needs. I really do want World Peace and mascara. Dust bunnies do love hot dogs on miniature sporks. I am still basking. Farts are ALWAYS funny people.

..Now back to your regularly scheduled day..already in progress..

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

My most controversial post ....eva......

Yes. Controversy. The outlet of many voices. The "I have an opinion and I am entitled to it", and "you are entitled to yours, but only if it mimics mine" dance, people play.

If you love me, hate me, lust me, whatever (laughing hysterically), if this post changes your mind I am sorry...

Whether I feel you are "right" or "wrong", I will hear everyone out.

Ready?

I went to Walmart today.... Shock.... Horror..... but that's not the controversy, although it should be sometimes!

(insert dream waves and blast from the past music here)

I was 18ish I think. I went out with a guy who I really liked personality wise, he wasn't a picture on a paper towel roll or anything, but it didn't matter, I liked him (he did have a mullet though).. We were having fun and laughing a lot. I don't remember exact details but, I was stunning, I am sure, although I don't think I had grown into my arms yet. I have now. See?? {{{waving}}}

We ended up at my place. But, there is no "Bow chica bow bow" story for you here (I'm sorry).

We started dancing in the street, the whole thing was fun-stupid-kid-romantical and shiz. We kissed for a long time, I do remember that. He then looked at me and said it was "a shame". I asked what was "a shame". He said that he REALLY liked my personality -BUT- (you know the "BUT" rule don't you? It wipes out the whole first half of the sentence,,, For example: I love you -BUT- I need to move on--- whatever the last half is.. is the truth of the statement, you DON'T love me,, you just need to move on... Don't waste my time with a sugarcoated "BUT".... a sugarcoated butt however is possibly not a waste of time...)


" I really like your personality and you are so cool -BUT- you are heavier than I would like to "be" with.

"Really?" I questioned swallowing my anger.

He said that he and his ALL his friends only date "thin" girls.

"Oh REALLY??!!!!"

I tried not to mention that he was certainly NOT the "Brawny guy" I had eluded to previously or that flannel on HIM looked like a checkerboard wrapped around a poop, or that his kisses were Great Danish at best,,, blah blah blah..... I was cool. I didn't have time for that. But who was he to ASSume I wanted to "be" with him anyways!!!!

I was between a size 7-8 then. I always liked me at a 7, I think it fits, it feels healthy and I still have curves. The news that I was not "thin" devastated me, it had always been something I worked on. Of course I didn't let him know it crushed me, but it did.

I wonder if he thought a woman's rib cage was designed to be "handle bars" for when they give rides to asshole men. I rationalize that you are not supposed to be able to smuggle children into the country, nestled safely in your bony clavicle area (but Angelina Jolie DOES make it look easy).

I spent the next year throwing up and taking laxatives like candy. I was not healthy-or happy. I would pass out on command and looked sallow, my hair started falling out (this was bad as this was the '80's ...gasp). My brain switch was triggered (again) in my head at that moment in my front yard. "No matter what" was the thought, "no matter what" I would be thin.

Life is not that easy. I wish it were. I have to work hard to fight weight, sometimes I win, sometimes I lose. But I always fight it and forget a little about how stunning my insides are. We all do this about things we dislike about ourselves. Human nature dictates it.

The perception of "being pretty" fails to see the heart. If you have a pretty face and are the tad bit heavy, you are tortured with the "if only" disease. Men will look at you and say something THEY feel is helpful like "if only you were 20 pounds lighter, you could be a supermodel" (and then they laugh and try to grope you).

If I were a supermodel, dude, really,,,,, I would date superficial assholes like you EVEN less than I do now!!!!

If only......would I want you to love me until all of my "if onlys" run out????

So do you ALWAYS grasp at that 20 pounds (or more) like it is a disease to be cured, never really feeling worthy? Or do you let it go and just be?

My health has dictated a lot of this for me. Meds that make you gain weight (I'm on them again) surgeries that make me lose it (or so you hope).

Along with everything else I have going on,, financially and medically,, right now,, I have an "incisional hernia". It is big and it is depressing me to no end which is making me want to eat and drink and stab my eyes out. After having 12 surgeries my stomach wall was compromised. I now look 8 months pregnant. There are things that are making me wait to have the surgery, I am a time bomb, my organs could twist at any time and it would be horrible, but I have to be patient now, some other things have to be taken care of. And for now, I live like this. I pray for the sun to go down so I KNOW no one will see me (I am like Shrek's "Fiona" only in reverse). I don't go out unless I have to (that's not only appearance but physically feeling ill as well). I am in my bubble. I am suffering and trying not to let it effect my kids. I am miserable with this and everything else pounding at my door.

I went from feeling confident, sexy, talented, successful, good, strong, and worthy to "this" in my life. Sad... Hard to see the light... I am fighting that urge to purge and hate myself again, fighting to stay OK with not being "OK" for the moment.

I am sorry to shatter my "Seductress" status... sniffle.... But this is reality and sometimes things happen that are horrendous, my nightmare will stop soon. I will keep smiling and sarcastically breaking down everything around me, I will survive in my own comedy reality show (and you have tuned in to it,, wink,, please keep me broadcasting)..

Back to Walmart.........

A guy was following me around (I was dolled up and sparkled in all the right places, I still do that and try not to look slumpy). He was a bit bizarre, I was spending private time with a toilet paper issue. He just stares and passes 10 times. I decide to grab a brand with a puppy on the front and leave. He follows, glare in his eyes and a smile plastered on his face. He says:

"It's hard deciding which one, isn't it?" His eyes as wide as saucers, focused on me.

"Uh, I guess, it's just toilet paper, not SPAM" I say looking around for his "special helper" diverting with awkward humor. (Seductress humor secret: SPAM is always a great diversion!)

..... and he follows me out of the aisle.....

..... and follows me......

Finally he says:

"My wife USED to look like you"

".......uh.... er...... she must be....... fantastic????" I say in "Jeopardy" form, fishing for a valid explanation for the stupidity my ears are being raped with.

"She WAS fantastic,,, She's REALLY fat now,,, but she USED to be THAT size" He mutters as he Vanna Whites' my body with a smile and a wink.

How could he know the battles I have been having?

What did he mean by "THAT" size anyway?

Was this a compliment? Flirting? I'm confused!

"So what, love her anyway, she's the SAME woman!" I continue, wishing I had my paint ball gun.

"But she's gotten fatter"

"Have you gotten stupider???" (insert the undeniable "you're an ass" face" here).

" ...It seems so,,,, have a nice day." I say, answering my own question correctly.

And I walk off.

This was all spoken in front of my girls. WTF do you think you are doing talking like that in front of young girls. I got questions from my kids "What did he mean?" I fielded them, but this worlds obsession with "thin" has gotten WAY out of hand.

And it's not just girls, our boys get hit now too. I saw a father on "Wife Swap" say harshly to a young teen:

"Take those pants off, they make you look fat!"

There are ways to say things and times NOT to say anything at all. Home is your "safe" place. It's not for many people, they get ridiculed there too and end up with their heads in a toilet and fingers down their throats.

After this conversation my daughter told me what the average weight in her class was.

"I think I need to get down to the lowest one (at least) don't you?"

"Do you like who you are and what you look like?"

"Sometimes, I guess" she says shrugging.

"Lets work on what YOU think needs working on and be happy, no one IN your class is YOU, their weight is inconsequential to you, you decide what you want to be".

But I think I need help. I don't think, as much as I want to, "just parents" can do this on their own. The balance between "loving yourself" and "being narcissistic" is very fine. I want them to be self confident but humble. Happy with who they are and proud of what they have to offer, pleased with whatever physical attributes life gives them. Always bettering, but never obsessing or self loathing. It's harder now for me then ever.....

Stop JADING my kids!!!!!!!!